Original Index




27th March 2122


Do's Don'ts
Get someone else to climb the ladder Climb the ladder
Lean the ladder at approximately 0o to the ground Lean the ladder up against a vertical surface
Only use the ladder for <3 seconds Have >0 people on a single ladder
Stay on the lowest rung until end of shift Ascend ladder on a motorised scooter
Use He balloons to aide ascent Climb the ladder feet first


21st March 2122


'I'm having a seriously bad day' moaned the Globalbot Asteroid Belt Service Director.

'Say what, way out! Customer grief?'

'Uh, customer? No, no, it's not a customer.'

'Hey what not customer? Cool man, who?'

'My wife doesn't like our new bathroom.'

'Woah! I've heard enough. Like sorry man, wife grief real grief.'

'I've planned a one-way trip to Ceres.'

'Good luck man sincerely. One way trip what no way man? Take care.'


17th March 2122


The VP lay flat out on the floor quivering with nervous energy. Suddenly he started babbling uncontrollably.

'BOTOP83 terminal faults . . . All Bots down! . . All customers . . . ESCALATION! . . . ESCALATION!   BOTOP83! BOTOP83! HYPERESCALATION!!  . . . BOT  DOWN! MUST GO BACK TO BOTOP82.5.SP8!'

'He's pareto-charting!' yelled the first aider, 'He needs 50ml of trivia, quickly!'

Someone passed over the syringe and the first aider gave the shot.

The VP visibly relaxed, 'Free milk in the factory . . . send someone on the corporate diversity training . . . fill in my VDU assessment . . . '

'He'll be okay now.'

GAT muttered, 'But how will we tell him that going back to BOTOP82.5.SP8 will almost certainly cause a world-wide electrical blackout and civilization collapse?'


14th March 2122


Customer: Rongend Stik R US

Globalbot Product: FlapBotTM

Serial:  H0NKalott83

Problem: Customer chase bot every day

Status: Active goose (wild) pursuit in progress


Situation NORMAL - de-escalate? Pls confirm.


12th March 2122


'We've been talking amongst ourselves' said the Field Furbies.

Uh oh thought GAT.

'We've decided to switch fizzy drinks from carbon dioxide to hydrogen.'

'Hydrogen? You can't do that! The Fizzbots will explode.'

'Can't is not in our vocabulary. And anyway we've already committed to the customer. Engineering need to come up with a clear plan to stop Fizzbots exploding. When can Engineering deliver?'

'Q2 2132'

'But that's ten years! We can't tell the customer that.'

'I thought 'can't' wasn't in your vocabulary?'

'But the customer is Korean!'

'Why not ask them to become Swedish? They seem a lot more sensible.'

'But we can't . . . er um'


5th March 2122

Update from the Production Planning Review.

'The Zimmerbot for Droidwright is the wrong spec.'

'But it's the right spec for Rongbot?'

'What? Droidwright wrong Rongbot right?'

'Yes it's wrong'

'No it's wrong'

'Oh yes it isn't'

'Oh no it is'

'Oh yes it is'

'Oh no it isn't'

'Yes it's right'

'No it's right'

'Let's take this off line.'

'Next is the Puntbot for Upenunda Tech - it's crated but will be diverted to the customer with no name'


'The customer with no name'

'But I thought they wanted a Anonymobot'

'And the Bodycount legs won't be in until end May.'

[Cont. Forever]


2nd March 2122

Key Business Concepts #83 - The Funnel to Factory Ratio


Case 1 - Funnel < Factory, FFR <1

In this case the business is shrinking rapidly. The Funnel is so puny it'll never catch more than the odd PO, and the Factory is so big the employee mean-free-path (MFP) is probably a mile.


Case 2 - Funnel = Factory, FFR=1


In this ideal state, the incoming POs in the Funnel perfectly match the Factory capacity. It is widely recognized as a theoretical state that cannot exist in reality.


Case 3 - Funnel > Factory, FFR>1


In this case the business is apparently growing explosively - but incoming POs in the mother of all Funnels dwarfs the Factory capacity and the entire workforce are squashed into a volume no larger than a sugar cube.


In the real world of the modern Robotic industry, businesses oscillate wildly between FFR<<1 and FFR>>1 and employees frequently experience sugar-cube implosions whilst simultaneously walking to the next desk. This is the famous Schrödinger's business paradox which is outside the scope of this article.


(this is total rubbish! Ed.)


25th February 2122


Appraisal season. GAT was feeling good about it.

'Hey Thinkbot, guess what I did to my roadmap objective.'

'I dunno. What?'

'I amended my main objective from:

Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 months


Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 light years

and no one noticed.'

'So your top appraisal objectives are almost as distant as Proxima Centauri.'


(Note: DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology)


22nd February 2122


Dear Globalbot,

i am inrested in yore resnt ad 4 the posision of Thoroughbred. Plese find atached my aplication. Altho i am only a beech donki I belieeve i wood gro into the roll and git faster veri quikly by learning on the jog.

i ergelly luk 4ward to hering from U.


Donkey 83



14th February 2122


7th February 2122


5th February 2122



'The good news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

Looks of disbelief from the Globalbot Operations Team.

'The bad news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

The looks of disbelief turned into looks of terror .


'I don't understand' said Thinkbot 'I thought they'd be happy.'

'Well,' replied GAT, 'at face value, chasing the same parts 2 weeks running is good news, but it almost certainly means the market is slow so they're probably chasing the wrong parts 2 weeks running and, in about a month, the Salesmen will all do "great catches" and land orders for something completely different and Operations will be expected t0 ship by end March to save the Q! revenue. Failure is not an option, fire in the hole, all hands to the pump, make my day punk, Luke Luke I am you father.'


29th January 2122

requisition flowchart V83.7.IV.Rev A.SP4.7 (pre-release).


'Hmm', mused GAT, 'I think this might explain how my requisition for G$1.03 (Globodollars) ended up with God for approval.'

Thinkbot thought for a  second, 'It might also explain why you'll wait an eternity for delivery.'


24th January 2122

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (5 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (10 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

(Continued forever)


20th January 2122

Globalbot Implements New Portal
Robo-Reuters: Monday 20th January 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had implemented a new portal to Product Marketing. 'We're thrilled to open this exciting new 3-dimensional accessway,' enthused Marc Etyng VP Globalbot Marketing, 'Anyone entering will be transported in real time directly into the nerve-centre of Globalbot Marketing!' Bewildered industry experts commented 'We had no idea what Globalbot was talking about until an anonymous source from Engineering told us - They've just made a new b^%&* door from the corridor into their open plan office.'



15th January 2122


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Corporate Logo

It is mandatory that the correct corporate blue is used in the Globalbot logo.

Any questions please do hesitate to ask.



'Does the planet need to be the right way up?'

'And does it actually need to say Globalbot?'

'Why do we have to be trustworthy, dependable and strong?'


'Why can't we be optimistic and friendly?

'Or creatively peaceful?'

'In what way are Oreo cookies trustworthy, dependable and strong?'


8th January 2122


'I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of engineers suddenly cried out 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'

I fear something terrible has happened.'

Thus did GAT presage the howlers committed by Globalbot chasing Q421 revenue.








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