Legacy Thinkblog

 

 

21st September 2126

   

 

'Welcome to Scotland's great coastal walks number 72, Cullen to Portknockie round trip including great views of Bow Fiddle rock', announced the robot guide cheerfully, 'The walk today is easy walking over moderate terrain, but before we start I need to give you a brief safety message:'

The little robot suddenly seemed possessed.

'Warning! Coastal paths are DANGEROUS with lethal hazards including jagged rocks, vertical cliffs, deep water, waves and in the event of the slightest lapse in concentration it is highly likely you will not survive this walk!'

'Right, all set? Happy? Let's go.'

 

14th September 2126

 

REMI R2 Training

 ' . . .  any of the robots in the interlock chain could be a single point of failure, a Houdinibot about to escape its shackles against all the odds at any moment, it's NON-COMPLIANT, you don't know what's going on in its control circuits, it's a black box . . .'  [Cont. 72 hours]

 

10th September 2126

 

 

Scene:  The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72

BLEEP BLEEP

Lieutenant Dax (waking up with a start):  Argh! What? Where am I?  SIR! SIR!

Captain Sisko (sitting in captain's chair in his dressing gown drinking hot chocolate):  What is it Lieutenant?

Lieutenant Dax: Long range sensors have detected an unknown disturbance in subspace.

Captain Sisko: On screen!

Lieutenant Dax: It's  . .  . it's . .  .IT'S .  . . . .

Captain Sisko: Easy lieutenant. Deep breaths, that's good, now relax.

Lieutenant Dax: It's a random data cloud and it's migrating straight towards us.

Captain Sisko:  Shields up, red alert!

Major Nerys:  Analysis indicates it'll incorrectly migrate our data to an alien database

Chief O'Brien:  Will it affect payroll?

Major Nerys:  Payroll, expenses, transactions, cost roll ups, end-to-end procurement, overdue invoices, outstanding purchase orders, they'll all be merged into numerical putty!

Captain Sisko: Will anyone notice?

Major Nerys:  We're being hailed! It's the USS Audit bidding us farewell!

[Crewe panic and don tinfoil hats]

 

8th September 2126

From: PLM Adminbot

To: ECO Team

Subject: ECO Process Clarification

 

So far the success rate of completed ECOs in Ensomnia is 0% (Zero % (aka as 'none'))

The diagram below is a pictorial summary of the work flow

 

 

Hopefully this is all now clear

Regards,

PLM Adminbot

 

2nd September 2126

 

'What? There was no baffle fitted? Isn't that needed to control the air flow?'

'It was drawn 6 months ago but no supplier will make it.'

'So we ran the temperature checks without it? Really?'

'Yarp!'

'What happened?'

'It melted.'

'Right, so we definitely need the baffle.'

'It was drawn 6 months ago but no supplier will make it.'

'It's only a bit of bent polycarbonate, how difficult can it be?'

[Cont. forever]

 

2nd September 2126

 

The meeting hit a lull, and into the vacuous emptiness an exquisitely distressed lone voice exclaimed . . .

'Oh for f%&k's sake!'

'Er, someone needs to go onto mute.'

 

25th August 2126

From: Admin

To: Every

Subje: Email Word Trunc

 

Dear Ones,

This is to infor you that any words longe than five (5) lette will be trunc going forwa.

This initi is to reduc Globa carbo footp by consu less energ in elect devic.

Also simpl dicti

Polic effec immed

Regar

Admin

 

'You never know' mused GAT 'it might impro commu.'

'I beg your Pardo? Surel you canno be serio!''

 

18th August 2126

Having coughed up 10 Globos for his on-line streaming match pass, and succeeded in brokering an aspect ratio peace deal between his Crapple App and the TV, GAT settled back to enjoy the game on City TV, an operation of such quality that one of his fellow sufferers had dubbed it 'Poundland TV' and the name stuck.

'And here we are - '

GAT dived for the remote to turn down the volume, but he needn't have bothered as the picture froze before he got there.

Then a blank silent TV accompanied by an important message from the CrappleNet:

10 minutes later after much cursing and thumping of touchscreens.

' . . a poor game between two mediocre sides so far . . '

Aargh! Volume down.

'We hope you are enjoying this wherever you are watching.'

Then .  . .

'What the . .  . '

10 minutes fumbling with TV remote and the aspect ratio menu yielded:

GAT decided this was probably going to be as good as he was going to get, so lay on his side on the sofa.

'City are 2-0 down with 10 minutes to play, if only they could get one they might get two.'

'Well duh!'

'WHAT NOW!?'

GAT feverishly re-entered his credentials.

GAT stared in incredulity.

Did the biscuit count as a penguin?

Likewise Pingu?

And were those penguin feet centre top?

And could that be a penguin egg?

And was that a penguin beak poking into the edge bottom left.

Meanwhile GAT's phone was bleeping hysterically.

He made a few stabs at spotting the penguins but:

He looked at his phone.

  Incredible last few minutes, 2-2, I didn't see that coming!

 

14th August 2126

Beep

 

11th August 2126

The to transition in simple terms:

 

1. Write anything really important on post-it notes and stick to the edge of your screen

2. Freeze (20 tonnes liquid nitrogen on standby)

3. Extract data (dental skills required)

4. Try to inject data into (medical skills required)

5. Observe 10 days of mediation in absolute silence (ignoring anyone who pleads for a transaction)

6. If you can find it then validate data (search and rescue skills preferable)

7. go live (crash team on hand)

8. Start screaming

 

 

9th August 2126

Idiotic Algorithms # 72

'Looks like we'll be going by car then . . . '

'How does it get away with calling itself a Lynx? It's scandalous!'

'It's a South Gloucestershire Lynx.'

'And the other bus is an X-bus, that means Express . .  .'

'I think we can allow ourselves a good night's sleep and still get there first by car.'

'Yep, I'll get the ovaltine on.'

 

 

4th August 2126

 

 

'And now, let's get right over to the Equestripooladrome where the 1500m springboard team pursuit show jumping is about to get underway!'

 

24th July 2126

Dungeons and Dragons

ERP Special Edition

'Damn & blast! I've just been on that screen!'

'Have you found the magical transaction yet?'

'No, but I've got a key that'll get me into stores.'

'That's no use until you defeat Bin Data.'

'$^&*! I'm back on that same screen again!'

'Oh no, I've been trapped by a shortage devil!'

'Ha! I've captured the Freight Forwarder, that'll be useful I ever get any parts issued.'

'Some of the dungeons are empty, strange, it's like there's some data missing.'

 

24th July 2126

 

Bingeflix's latest space opera offering features yet another collection of hapless actors and models pretending to be astronauts who deliver a deadly mix of near death adventures with eye-watering CGI and a script riddled with all the usual clichés.

0%

 

'Why are we watching this?' asked Helen in a brief moment of wakefulness.

'Dunno, it auto-suggested itself.'

 

13th July 2126

 

 

2nd July 2126

 

New PLM system training!

'Now, try creating a kit from the parts you entered earlier.'

GAT fingers swept across the keyboard:

GAT's stomach rumbled, 'Pardon me!'

He raised his hand, 'Just checking, all our data will be wiped tonight right?'

The instructor's face took on a troubled frown. 'Well, it should, but yesterday's data is still there due to the 'WON'T WIPE DEFECT', it's not fixed yet as far as I know.'

'Ah . . . ., just as well I logged in as PaulD then.'

 

26th June 2126

                               Obscure Fine Art Auctions Ltd

                                          You won't believe your own eyes!

 

 

                             Lot #83   'Battle Scene from the Ancient ERP Wars'

                                                    Reserve Price:  8 trillion Globo

 

18th June 2126

Is Your ERP System Incomprehensible, Inflexible & Intransigent?

Yes? Then you need our suite of ERP add-ons:

This add-on simplifies system flow charts, often to a single box with 'ERP' written in it.

No one understands the original diagram anyway, and this add-on has saved up to 100% of time spent staring at it.

This add-on takes your sales forecast and randomly shuffles it.

Extensive trials have shown this method to be more accurate than thinking rationally about forecasting.

This add-on does not actually do anything, but deploying it when it all goes wrong has conclusively been shown to raise staff morale.

  

8th June 2126

TNET 72727272

Customer:  Acksident P.R.O.N.E.

Globalbot Product:  Gargull AquaBot

Serial:  H20-5OAK-CERT1N

Problem:  Water leak in 4th dimension flooded the 3 dimensional factory.

Customer ask for MSDS and CHIP certification for 4 dimensional water.

Urgently need Globalbot to supply and fit additional multi-dimensional valve with temporally backwards option to prevent leak of future water in the present.

Status:  Sodden ESCALATION

Update:  Acksident P.R.O.N.E demand urgent recovery plan to secure their schedule for implementation of 5 dimensions.

 

'Hmm, so are they saying the 4-dimensional water is leaking in from the future or the past?'

'No idea, but I've deployed our Beta MopBot in the future.'

'What MopBot?'

'Dunno, it's in the future.'

 

6th June 2126

GAT breathed deep calming breaths to try and suppress the waves of blind panic threatening to engulf him.

In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, feeling rather dizzy.

He refocused on the screen.

The stark truth was before his eyes, he was on three incompatible Org Charts!

This not only meant others in the organization could figure out what he was supposed to be doing, they had three contradictory options to choose from.

The words of Holy Scriptures (Corporate Version) rang around his head 'A [man/ woman/ robot/ AI] cannot serve on >1 Org Chart[s] lest he hate the one and becometh utterly confused by the others; one org chart shalt thou be on, no more, preferably less. Blessed is he who appeareth on no Org Chart, for he can do whatsoever appealeth unto him and manifest oneself unexpectedly at random meetings and cause fellow employees eyes to water.'

 

27th May 2126

From: PART,NAME,BOT,ADMIN

To: BODY,EVERY

Subject: DESCRIPTION,PART,SCHEME,NEW

 

ALL, DEAR,

NOTE,PLEASE,ALL,PART,NEW,FORMAT,DESCRIPTION,BELOW,EXAMPLE

OLD

98541 Bot-Fix London White Shelf Bracket 150 x 125mm

NEW

98541 BRACKET,ANYOLD,150,LONDON,X,SHELF,125,WHITE,MM

CLEAR,HOPE,IS,THIS,COMPULSORY

BOT,ADMIN

 

'Hmm,' muttered Thinkbot, 'Is the goal here to make language a complete barrier to communication?'

 

20th May 2126

 

 

Scene:  The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72

BLEEP BLEEP

Lieutenant Dax (waking up with a start):  Argh! What? Where am I?  SIR! SIR!

Captain Sisko (sitting in captain's chair in his pajamas drinking ovaltine):  What is it Lieutenant?

Lieutenant Dax: Long range sensors have detected an unknown disturbance.

Captain Sisko: (muttering At last!) On screen!

Lieutenant Dax: It's  . .  . it's

 Captain Sisko: Deep breath and articulate Lieutenant!

Lieutenant Dax: It's pure chaos, and it's expanding exponentially! We'll be engulfed in 3 mintues!

Major Nerys:  Analysis indicates it's the remnants of an ERP supernova 

Captain Sisko:  Shields up, red alert!

Major Nerys:  Captain, if it hits us then all the part numbers on our ship's BOM will be reformatted as random numbers!

Captain Sisko:  So what? I thought all our part numbers are random already.

Chief O'Brien: 'Where Used' and 'Stock Enquiry' will stop working, we'll never be able to find anything, and if we do we won't know where to fit it!

Captain Sisko: On the other hand we'll be spared the endless list of shortages. Shields down, cancel red alert.

[Crewe panic and don tinfoil hats]

 

15th May 2126

 

From: Development Adminbot

To: Project Timescales

Subject: New Project Gantt Template

 

Dear All,

In an effort to improve on the apparent time it takes us to get anything done around here, the Gantt template below should be adopted for all development projects with immediate effect.

 

 

The new corporate strapline is 'It's taken us 13.77 billion years to get this far so we're not going to cock it up now!'

 

11th May 2126

Tinbot        Advanced Tinbot XZL

Globalbot Launches Existing Product Under a New Name
Robo-Reuters: Friday 10th May 2126

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has used its SMARTTM Redesign methodology to release an existing product with a disruptive new name. 'We are thrilled to be offering the Advanced Tinbot XZL to the same marketplace that previously and eventually accepted the Tinbot through gritted teeth' said Mark Etyng, VP of Global Marketing. Meanwhile the press had unraveled the true meaning of SMART - 'Smoke, Mirrors And Regurgitated Technology', and all for a +50% hike in list price, which ended up causing a drunken melee in the bar, no sorry, the Advanced Bar XZL.

Safe Harbor Statement: This announcement contains backward-looking forward statements that claim to foresee the future based on a suspect grasp of the past and little awareness of the present.

 

20th April 2126

 

 

'It looks like we're doomed' muttered Thinkbot 'What do you think?'

'I don't know' replied GAT cheerily 'I've got my eyes shut.'

 

20th April 2126

 

 

15th April 2126

 

Zoom call #72 of the week.

GAT marveled once again that he got paid for doing this!

The problem with this particular call was participant Droneonandonandon*.

Indeed Droneonandonandon was just embarking on another monologue:

'                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                 '

He's on mute!

Please everyone, hold your nerve, whatever you do, don't wave your hands and shout 'YOU'RE ON MUTE!'

* Not real name

 

CHAT

To: GAT

From: Thinkbot

 A R Spane's on mute!!!!!!  You've got an hour of your life back - Don't waste it!!!

 

9th April 2126

Aaaaaaargh!  No!

 

3 hours later

 

Next morning

Who are 'we' GAT wondered

 

 

 

1st April 2126

 

Opah Rashunz, VP of DIRT* Manufacturing, looked out at the 200 or so expectant faces of her Manuf Ops Team, took a deep breath.

'The good news is that Globalbot DIRT Division have record backlogs of orders for robots deliverable in Q2 and Q3.'

A babble of excited chit chat belched forth from the assembled masses but quickly died away as the realization dawned on them - good news means bad news . . . a deathly hush descended. 

'The bad news is that we'll be switching to a new ERP system mid-Q2 which does not support our existing TLA set.'

Pandemonium ensued. A wave of offensive, soon to be obsolete, TLAs erupted filled the air.

Learn a new TLA for every step in the supply chain and build procedure? By mid Q2? NEVER!

But Rashunz wasn't finished.

'OH! AND SALES HAVE COMMITTED GLOBALBOT TO A BUILD AND TEST FACILITY ON MARS!'

 

 

* DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology

 

28th March 2126

 

19th March 2126

   

 

GAT and Thinkbot are attending the 35th Future of Automation and Droids Symposium (FADS-35).

'I've got a headache' moaned GAT after sitting through 25 presentations on 'The Future of Robot Control Systems' session, which had overrun by an hour and descended into chaotic and obscure arguments between rival supporters of EtherHippo and Double-Decker Fieldbus.

 

'Follow me' said Thinkbot and lead GAT to the Executives Forum session.

'What? Are you kidding?'

'Trust me.'

 

As they entered the auditorium they were immersed in gentle piano music mixed with waterfalls and dripping noises.

The CPO* of EconoDroid was presenting.

 

 

'This is self-evident'

 

 

'As is this'

'And of course we are all . . . '

 

 

'While coming to grips with . . .'

 

 

The room filled with deep murmurings of appreciation from the audience.

 

GAT was relaxed to the point of limpness and in danger of falling off his chair.

'This is simply marvelous, why have I never attended this session before?'

 

NOTE: CPO = Chief Philosophy Officer

 

11th March 2126

Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping! Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!

 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! No! Stop . . .STOP!  What? 720?!!!'

 

5th March 2126

 

[02:30 5 March 2026]

From: Adminbot

To: Despicable Malcontents

Subject: Missing PalletBot

 

Dear All,

Would whoever has removed Palletbot #72 from its normal location please return it immediately so we can recognise its contributions in World

 Robot Day.

(We also need to MOVE SOME PALLETS before the shipping dock becomes terminally log-jammed).

Adminbot 

 

10th February 2126

 

TGB in the HoE!

WOC is the TLA. ORB to MBS and MRP in Oribal means SFS to PPC and WIP ZAP.

We need to transition Oribal DRB to ZAP ECB using EFA methodology to be in line with FPR.

SIC implementation under ARG must be BOP or else SDC.

 

('Have you any idea what they're talking about?' whispered GAT to Thinkbot.

Thinkbot shrugged, 'Er um, WTF?')

 

8th February 2126

 

Don't miss the thrilling sequel to the regular Sunday morning Ethical, Moral & Religious programme 'The BIG Questions' -

On this episode we delve in depth into the answers:

  -  I don't know, I'm Welsh

  -  Don't bother me now, I'm watching the cricket

 -  When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea

 

4th February 2126

[Cont.]

Putting his grave misgivings about the AR HERMANN font, GAT took a deep breath and hit -

 

 

PING!

GAT looked at his phone. It was a text from Helen his wife.

 

It's fixed!

A drone just flew in through the back door and fitted a new door.

How did you do that?

Love H x

 

GAT had no idea how he had done that, but claimed the credit anyway

Trust me, I'm a doctor! GAT x

 

[Editorial Note: It transpired the tumblebot was connected to the Great Anorak in the Sky of Parts (GASP), an offshoot of the Internet of Things (IoT). It simply ordered up a spare itself irrespective of whatever the numbskull claiming to be a doctor thought he was doing other than at some point the tumblebot had managed to get hold of GAT's credit card details, he probably left it in his trouser pocket one time they were in the wash]

THE END

[Thank God! Ed.]

 

31st January 2126

[Cont.]

GAT had to prioritize, try to fix the tumblebot or execute his COVID-72 actions.

Damp towels versus global pandemic.

Consulting his notes from his recent Globalbot 'Resolving Conflicting Priorities' training course it was a no-brainer as to which took precedence.

 

 

'All hail mighty Googlepart, who knowest all and hath an infinite storeroom, grant unto thy humble servant a part search.'

'Enter Thy Request:'

Model CL4437-004b72.72 door hinge p/n 72-7200-00000000000000072

'That hath matches none, re-enter thee a valid part'

GAT enlarged the exploded parts diagram until the scanned numbers were fuzzy.

Oh, silly me, sixteen zeroes then 72.

Model CL4437-004b72.72 door hinge p/n 72-7200-000000000000000072

'Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You want a -  ha ha ha ha - 72-7200-000000000000000072? Ha ha ha ha - well that's made my day! a 72-7200-000000000000000072! That's priceless! There's legacy, but this is simply archeological!

GAT started hitting himself on the head, but wait, a pop-up appeared:

 

 

What should GAT do?  [To Be Continued]

 

29th January 2126

In the middle of the 3 hour Globalbot COVID-72 lockdown crisis meeting GAT's phone started playing 'Oh I do like to be beside the seaside!'

'I THOUGHT I SAID NO PHONES!' bellowed Graham Cracker, Globalbot CEO.

'Sorry,' GAT replied going red in the face, 'It's an emergency message from my wife.'

'OK, GO DEAL WITH IT!'

GAT exited the meeting room and opened the message in WotZat.

 

The door's fallen off the tumblebot and all the towels are still damp.

 

24th January 2126

MUTE

'Look, over 72,000 unopened mails in his inbox!'

'Whatever you do, don't send this guy an email, you'd stand more chance of a reply if you send it to the Moon.'

16th January 2126

Percy Knell, Globalbot VP of HR, cursed the new Powerpunt template as he wrestled with reviewing the training offering for 2126.

In focusing on the fussy format he failed to critically review the course content.

And thus did Course 72, the origins of which were lost in a silo, end up being included.

 

 

13th January 2126

 

 Stormy inquest into yesterday's monumentally dull inaugural 'Deep Sleep 72' post.   

'This was supposed to be a dynamic and exciting makeover!' yelled the Editor in Chief

'Couldn't we at least have had the shape-shifter turn into a puddle or something? Or some alien-on-alien hanky-panky up the Jefferies Tube?'

 

 

11th January 2126

 

Scene:  The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72

Captain Sisko:  Status

Major Nerys:  Nothing to report sir

Captain Sisko:  No wormhole activity?

Major Nerys:  No sir, all quiet on the wormhole front

Captain Sisko:  When's the next scheduled support vessel due?

Lieutenant Dax:  The supply droid USS Spares Crate is due in 6 months sir

Captain Sisko:  Right, ok, so what are we doing today?

Crew all look at each other and shrug

[To be continued]

 

9th January 2126

Rebranding FAQ

 

Why the rebrand?

The old brand was tired and dated and needed a top-down bottom-up 360o re-dynamicisation.

Going forward, the new brand is fresh and exciting, offering a coherent 24/7 market-leading 22nd century experience to the user.

 

Is 're-dynamicisation' a word?

Yes, it's in the spellchecker. We added it.

 

Why did you drop the stylish black background much-lovedfont?

Black is so yesterday with its false sense of sophistication, gravitas and authority. Blue however, is a primary colour across all models of colour space. It is the colour of the ocean and sky and it symbolizes serenity, inspiration, wisdom, and is a calming colour that engenders reliability.

was silly and childish and we had numerous complaints. It belongs in the dustbin of fonts alongside , and .

Dating from 1982 we opted for Arial font, sans-serif in the neo-grotesque style. If it was good enough for Windows 3.1 it's good enough for us.

 

Why are there multiple shades of blue?

What? There are multiple shades of blue? Where? They should all be .

 

Will all our old favourites still be on the rebranded site?

They'll be replaced by improved equivalents. The ghastly and fake news-ridden Robotic Bungler has already been superseded by the far superior Daily Droid, with best of breed editing. Watch out for our exciting new Star Trek Deep Sleep 72 posts!

 

What is the significance of 83?

83 is obsolete and has been replaced by 72.

 

Will anything be missing from the rebranded site?

Yes, BREXIT! It's all sorted!

 

 

6th January 2126

 

 

 

3rd January 2126

We're getting there . . . just need a new image for Globalbot 'I Can't Believe it's not Human!'

NO    NO  NO!    NO!

Come on, get a grip!

And a logo,

The reflection says 'GrOBArBOL'

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Welcome to the World of

    THINKBOT 

Previous Thinkblog

Thinkblog

1st January 2126

Please bear with us we try to de-bungle our rebranding launch.

Plenty of time over Xmas to conjure something new that would get punters gagging for intimate encounters with Globalbot robots.

But there are so many menus and sub-menus that became increasingly baffling after a fwe berrs and dRams of snugle matls. ..  . .

 

Apparently we're only treading where others have trod before 

 

    

 

   

Damn and blast! This is the logo from before the previous one or even the one before that, and where's this bl&*dy dreadful pink font come from???