24th July 2126
Dungeons and Dragons
ERP Special Edition
'Damn & blast! I've just been on that screen!'
'Have you found the magical transaction yet?'
'No, but I've got a key that'll get me into stores.'
'That's no use until you defeat Bin Data.'
'$^&*! I'm back on that same screen again!'
'Oh no, I've been trapped by a shortage devil!'
'Ha! I've captured the Freight Forwarder, that'll be useful I ever get any parts issued.'
'Some of the dungeons are empty, strange, it's like there's some data missing.'
24th July 2126
Bingeflix's latest space opera offering features yet another collection of hapless actors and models pretending to be astronauts who deliver a deadly mix of near death adventures with eye-watering CGI and a script riddled with all the usual clichés.
'Why are we watching this?' asked Helen in a brief moment of wakefulness.
'Dunno, it auto-suggested itself.'
13th July 2126
2nd July 2126
New PLM system training!
'Now, try creating a kit from the parts you entered earlier.'
GAT fingers swept across the keyboard:
GAT's stomach rumbled, 'Pardon me!'
He raised his hand, 'Just checking, all our data will be wiped tonight right?'
The instructor's face took on a troubled frown. 'Well, it should, but yesterday's data is still there due to the 'WON'T WIPE DEFECT', it's not fixed yet as far as I know.'
'Ah . . . ., just as well I logged in as PaulD then.'
26th June 2126
Obscure Fine Art Auctions Ltd
You won't believe your own eyes!
Lot #83 'Battle Scene from the Ancient ERP Wars'
Reserve Price: 8 trillion Globo
18th June 2126
Is Your ERP System Incomprehensible, Inflexible & Intransigent?
Yes? Then you need our suite of ERP add-ons:
This add-on simplifies system flow charts, often to a single box with 'ERP' written in it.
No one understands the original diagram anyway, and this add-on has saved up to 100% of time spent staring at it.
This add-on takes your sales forecast and randomly shuffles it.
Extensive trials have shown this method to be more accurate than thinking rationally about forecasting.
This add-on does not actually do anything, but deploying it when it all goes wrong has conclusively been shown to raise staff morale.
8th June 2126
Customer: Acksident P.R.O.N.E.
Globalbot Product: Gargull AquaBot
Problem: Water leak in 4th dimension flooded the 3 dimensional factory.
Customer ask for MSDS and CHIP certification for 4 dimensional water.
Urgently need Globalbot to supply and fit additional multi-dimensional valve with temporally backwards option to prevent leak of future water in the present.
Status: Sodden ESCALATION
Update: Acksident P.R.O.N.E demand urgent recovery plan to secure their schedule for implementation of 5 dimensions.
'Hmm, so are they saying the 4-dimensional water is leaking in from the future or the past?'
'No idea, but I've deployed our Beta MopBot in the future.'
'Dunno, it's in the future.'
6th June 2126
GAT breathed deep calming breaths to try and suppress the waves of blind panic threatening to engulf him.
In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, feeling rather dizzy.
He refocused on the screen.
The stark truth was before his eyes, he was on three incompatible Org Charts!
This not only meant others in the organization could figure out what he was supposed to be doing, they had three contradictory options to choose from.
The words of Holy Scriptures (Corporate Version) rang around his head 'A [man/ woman/ robot/ AI] cannot serve on >1 Org Chart[s] lest he hate the one and becometh utterly confused by the others; one org chart shalt thou be on, no more, preferably less. Blessed is he who appeareth on no Org Chart, for he can do whatsoever appealeth unto him and manifest oneself unexpectedly at random meetings and cause fellow employees eyes to water.'
27th May 2126
98541 Bot-Fix London White Shelf Bracket 150 x 125mm
'Hmm,' muttered Thinkbot, 'Is the goal here to make language a complete barrier to communication?'
20th May 2126
Scene: The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72
Lieutenant Dax (waking up with a start): Argh! What? Where am I? SIR! SIR!
Captain Sisko (sitting in captain's chair in his pajamas drinking ovaltine): What is it Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Dax: Long range sensors have detected an unknown disturbance.
Captain Sisko: (muttering At last!) On screen!
Lieutenant Dax: It's . . . it's
Captain Sisko: Deep breath and articulate Lieutenant!
Lieutenant Dax: It's pure chaos, and it's expanding exponentially! We'll be engulfed in 3 mintues!
Major Nerys: Analysis indicates it's the remnants of an ERP supernova
Captain Sisko: Shields up, red alert!
Major Nerys: Captain, if it hits us then all the part numbers on our ship's BOM will be reformatted as random numbers!
Captain Sisko: So what? I thought all our part numbers are random already.
Chief O'Brien: 'Where Used' and 'Stock Enquiry' will stop working, we'll never be able to find anything, and if we do we won't know where to fit it!
Captain Sisko: On the other hand we'll be spared the endless list of shortages. Shields down, cancel red alert.
[Crewe panic and don tinfoil hats]
15th May 2126
From: Development Adminbot
To: Project Timescales
Subject: New Project Gantt Template
In an effort to improve on the apparent time it takes us to get anything done around here, the Gantt template below should be adopted for all development projects with immediate effect.
The new corporate strapline is 'It's taken us 13.77 billion years to get this far so we're not going to cock it up now!'
11th May 2126
Tinbot Advanced Tinbot XZL
Globalbot Launches Existing Product Under a New Name
Robo-Reuters: Friday 10th May 2126
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has used its SMARTTM Redesign methodology to release an existing product with a disruptive new name. 'We are thrilled to be offering the Advanced Tinbot XZL to the same marketplace that previously and eventually accepted the Tinbot through gritted teeth' said Mark Etyng, VP of Global Marketing. Meanwhile the press had unraveled the true meaning of SMART - 'Smoke, Mirrors And Regurgitated Technology', and all for a +50% hike in list price, which ended up causing a drunken melee in the bar, no sorry, the Advanced Bar XZL.
Safe Harbor Statement: This announcement contains backward-looking forward statements that claim to foresee the future based on a suspect grasp of the past and little awareness of the present.
20th April 2126
'It looks like we're doomed' muttered Thinkbot 'What do you think?'
'I don't know' replied GAT cheerily 'I've got my eyes shut.'
20th April 2126
15th April 2126
Zoom call #72 of the week.
GAT marveled once again that he got paid for doing this!
The problem with this particular call was participant Droneonandonandon*.
Indeed Droneonandonandon was just embarking on another monologue:
He's on mute!
Please everyone, hold your nerve, whatever you do, don't wave your hands and shout 'YOU'RE ON MUTE!'
* Not real name
A R Spane's on mute!!!!!! You've got an hour of your life back - Don't waste it!!!
9th April 2126
3 hours later
Who are 'we' GAT wondered
1st April 2126
Opah Rashunz, VP of DIRT* Manufacturing, looked out at the 200 or so expectant faces of her Manuf Ops Team, took a deep breath.
'The good news is that Globalbot DIRT Division have record backlogs of orders for robots deliverable in Q2 and Q3.'
A babble of excited chit chat belched forth from the assembled masses but quickly died away as the realization dawned on them - good news means bad news . . . a deathly hush descended.
'The bad news is that we'll be switching to a new ERP system mid-Q2 which does not support our existing TLA set.'
Pandemonium ensued. A wave of offensive, soon to be obsolete, TLAs erupted filled the air.
Learn a new TLA for every step in the supply chain and build procedure? By mid Q2? NEVER!
But Rashunz wasn't finished.
'OH! AND SALES HAVE COMMITTED GLOBALBOT TO A BUILD AND TEST FACILITY ON MARS!'
* DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology
28th March 2126
19th March 2126
GAT and Thinkbot are attending the 35th Future of Automation and Droids Symposium (FADS-35).
'I've got a headache' moaned GAT after sitting through 25 presentations on 'The Future of Robot Control Systems' session, which had overrun by an hour and descended into chaotic and obscure arguments between rival supporters of EtherHippo and Double-Decker Fieldbus.
'Follow me' said Thinkbot and lead GAT to the Executives Forum session.
'What? Are you kidding?'
As they entered the auditorium they were immersed in gentle piano music mixed with waterfalls and dripping noises.
The CPO* of EconoDroid was presenting.
'This is self-evident'
'As is this'
'And of course we are all . . . '
'While coming to grips with . . .'
The room filled with deep murmurings of appreciation from the audience.
GAT was relaxed to the point of limpness and in danger of falling off his chair.
'This is simply marvelous, why have I never attended this session before?'
NOTE: CPO = Chief Philosophy Officer
11th March 2126
Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping! Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!Bing bong diddledee! Beep! Ding! Ping!
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! No! Stop . . .STOP! What? 720?!!!'
5th March 2126
[02:30 5 March 2026]
To: Despicable Malcontents
Subject: Missing PalletBot
Would whoever has removed Palletbot #72 from its normal location please return it immediately so we can recognise its contributions in World
(We also need to MOVE SOME PALLETS before the shipping dock becomes terminally log-jammed).
10th February 2126
TGB in the HoE!
WOC is the TLA. ORB to MBS and MRP in Oribal means SFS to PPC and WIP ZAP.
We need to transition Oribal DRB to ZAP ECB using EFA methodology to be in line with FPR.
SIC implementation under ARG must be BOP or else SDC.
('Have you any idea what they're talking about?' whispered GAT to Thinkbot.
Thinkbot shrugged, 'Er um, WTF?')
8th February 2126
Don't miss the thrilling sequel to the regular Sunday morning Ethical, Moral & Religious programme 'The BIG Questions' -
On this episode we delve in depth into the answers:
- I don't know, I'm Welsh
- Don't bother me now, I'm watching the cricket
- When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea
4th February 2126
Putting his grave misgivings about the AR HERMANN font, GAT took a deep breath and hit -
GAT looked at his phone. It was a text from Helen his wife.
A drone just flew in through the back door and fitted a new door.
How did you do that?
Love H x
GAT had no idea how he had done that, but claimed the credit anyway
Trust me, I'm a doctor! GAT x
[Editorial Note: It transpired the tumblebot was connected to the Great Anorak in the Sky of Parts (GASP), an offshoot of the Internet of Things (IoT). It simply ordered up a spare itself irrespective of whatever the numbskull claiming to be a doctor thought he was doing other than at some point the tumblebot had managed to get hold of GAT's credit card details, he probably left it in his trouser pocket one time they were in the wash]
[Thank God! Ed.]
31st January 2126
GAT had to prioritize, try to fix the tumblebot or execute his COVID-72 actions.
Damp towels versus global pandemic.
Consulting his notes from his recent Globalbot 'Resolving Conflicting Priorities' training course it was a no-brainer as to which took precedence.
'All hail mighty Googlepart, who knowest all and hath an infinite storeroom, grant unto thy humble servant a part search.'
'Enter Thy Request:'
Model CL4437-004b72.72 door hinge p/n 72-7200-00000000000000072
'That hath matches none, re-enter thee a valid part'
GAT enlarged the exploded parts diagram until the scanned numbers were fuzzy.
Oh, silly me, sixteen zeroes then 72.
Model CL4437-004b72.72 door hinge p/n 72-7200-000000000000000072
'Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You want a - ha ha ha ha - 72-7200-000000000000000072? Ha ha ha ha - well that's made my day! a 72-7200-000000000000000072! That's priceless! There's legacy, but this is simply archeological!
GAT started hitting himself on the head, but wait, a pop-up appeared:
What should GAT do? [To Be Continued]
29th January 2126
In the middle of the 3 hour Globalbot COVID-72 lockdown crisis meeting GAT's phone started playing 'Oh I do like to be beside the seaside!'
'I THOUGHT I SAID NO PHONES!' bellowed Graham Cracker, Globalbot CEO.
'Sorry,' GAT replied going red in the face, 'It's an emergency message from my wife.'
'OK, GO DEAL WITH IT!'
GAT exited the meeting room and opened the message in WotZat.
The door's fallen off the tumblebot and all the towels are still damp.
24th January 2126
'Look, over 72,000 unopened mails in his inbox!'
'Whatever you do, don't send this guy an email, you'd stand more chance of a reply if you send it to the Moon.'
16th January 2126
Percy Knell, Globalbot VP of HR, cursed the new Powerpunt template as he wrestled with reviewing the training offering for 2126.
In focusing on the fussy format he failed to critically review the course content.
And thus did Course 72, the origins of which were lost in a silo, end up being included.
13th January 2126
Stormy inquest into yesterday's monumentally dull inaugural 'Deep Sleep 72' post.
'This was supposed to be a dynamic and exciting makeover!' yelled the Editor in Chief
'Couldn't we at least have had the shape-shifter turn into a puddle or something? Or some alien-on-alien hanky-panky up the Jefferies Tube?'
11th January 2126
Scene: The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72
Captain Sisko: Status
Major Nerys: Nothing to report sir
Captain Sisko: No wormhole activity?
Major Nerys: No sir, all quiet on the wormhole front
Captain Sisko: When's the next scheduled support vessel due?
Lieutenant Dax: The supply droid USS Spares Crate is due in 6 months sir
Captain Sisko: Right, ok, so what are we doing today?
Crew all look at each other and shrug
[To be continued]
9th January 2126
Why the rebrand?
The old brand was tired and dated and needed a top-down bottom-up 360o re-dynamicisation.
Going forward, the new brand is fresh and exciting, offering a coherent 24/7 market-leading 22nd century experience to the user.
Is 're-dynamicisation' a word?
Yes, it's in the spellchecker. We added it.
Why did you drop the stylish black background much-lovedfont?
Black is so yesterday with its false sense of sophistication, gravitas and authority. Blue however, is a primary colour across all models of colour space. It is the colour of the ocean and sky and it symbolizes serenity, inspiration, wisdom, and is a calming colour that engenders reliability.
was silly and childish and we had numerous complaints. It belongs in the dustbin of fonts alongside , and .
Dating from 1982 we opted for Arial font, sans-serif in the neo-grotesque style. If it was good enough for Windows 3.1 it's good enough for us.
Why are there multiple shades of blue?
What? There are multiple shades of blue? Where? They should all be .
Will all our old favourites still be on the rebranded site?
They'll be replaced by improved equivalents. The ghastly and fake news-ridden Robotic Bungler has already been superseded by the far superior Daily Droid, with best of breed editing. Watch out for our exciting new Star Trek Deep Sleep 72 posts!
What is the significance of 83?
83 is obsolete and has been replaced by 72.
Will anything be missing from the rebranded site?
Yes, BREXIT! It's all sorted!
6th January 2126
3rd January 2126
We're getting there . . . just need a new image for Globalbot 'I Can't Believe it's not Human!'
NO NO NO! NO!
Come on, get a grip!
And a logo,
The reflection says 'GrOBArBOL'
Welcome to the World of
1st January 2126
Please bear with us we try to de-bungle our rebranding launch.
Plenty of time over Xmas to conjure something new that would get punters gagging for intimate encounters with Globalbot robots.
But there are so many menus and sub-menus that became increasingly baffling after a fwe berrs and dRams of snugle matls. .. . .
Apparently we're only treading where others have trod before
Damn and blast! This is the logo from before the previous one or even the one before that, and where's this bl&*dy dreadful pink font come from???