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28th May 2122

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Wild goose suffers silver bullet near miss

I think the subject line is clear and that it is totally unacceptable from a business perspective.

Future occurrences will be subject to ducksciplinary action.

Regards,

Adminbot

 

Much head-scratching amongst the engineers.

'What's it talking about?'

'Dunno.'

'Do we need to revisit the Adminbot algorithm?'

 

27th May 2122

 

GAT has been on a Drambots whiskey tour, visiting many famous distilleries including Glenbelch.

'What are the three ingredients that go into creating a great single malt whiskey?' asked the tour leader.

'Serendipity, mythology and marketing hype.'

'Er, no, anyone else?'

'Packaging, bottle shape and price?'

'NO! It's water, barley and yeast.'

'What about the barrel?'

'The barrel is not an ingredient.'

'But it's vital to a great single malt whiskey.'

'Er, I, well .  . .'

'And what about the still shape?'

'Ok let's move swiftly onto the tasting. Experts have identified 95 distinct flavours in the Glenbelch 21 year old. Can anyone take a guess at any of them?'

'Soft baked fruits, fruit cake, syrup, apricot, cranachan, . er . . custard  .  .  octopus,  . . WD40,  .  . camembert,  . . . wetsuit,  . . . donkey tikka masala . . . toothpaste . . .'

 

21st May 2122

'Right! Hands up who's got their head around the latest production plan?'

Not a single hand was raised.

The VP of Proactive Predictive Planning let out a sigh and slumped in his seat.

This was going to be a long meeting . . .

 

18th May 2122

 

14th May 2122

Q2 Shipments Review

 

'What's that doing here?'

'What?'

'That ele-'

'QUIET! We don't talk about it.'

'But it's . .  .'

'I said that's enough.'

 

Later GAT started typing 'I must tell you something about that ele -'

MESSAGE BLOCKED

 

At the next meeting GAT smuggled in a Spybot.

Later GAT showed the photo to Thinkbot.

'It's a Hippo -'

All hell broke loose and site security bots appeared from nowhere

WAH! WAH!WAH! WAH!WAH! WAH!

 

11th May 2122

Lost in Space Robot Gets Sat Nav
Robo-Reuters: Monday 11th May 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had given a Sat Nav to a lost robot free of charge. 'We felt so sorry for it' said Havit Onnus VP of Corporate Charity 'It was pathetic, waving its bellows arms around and yelling Danger! Danger!' Industry experts were baffled as it was not clear how the robot, which is only an ancient 1960s TV prop with nothing inside, is supposed to interface to the 55G state of the art sat nav.'  When asked about this the robot replied 'I WONDER THE SAME ABOUT HUMANS.'

 

7th May 2122

 

GAT stared in horror at the Marketing open plan office, 'No, surely not . .  .'

But yes it was. Members of the Purchasing Group were mixed in with the Marketeers.

'It's an explosive situation!' GAT explained to Thinkbot. 'There's a marketing guy on the phone promising 6 weeks delivery to a Globalbot customer sitting right next to a purchaser shouting down the blower to get the supply chain to deliver the parts required in less than 8 weeks.'

 

23rd April 2122

 

GAT was working through email, 'F%&@! Not the bl##7$y Golden WonkaBot again!'

' The oompa loompas will be livid!'

 

23rd April 2122

 

Open-mouthed, GAT stared at the picture on the charity web page.

Only one thought hammered at the door of his mind.

'I must get into the cleanroom more often.'

 

Later he thought 'A Welshman, a Scot, a Czech and an invisible Leicester rugby fan? What can possibly go wrong?'

 

Later again, after the lunchtime '105 mile bicycle saddle lard-arse' conversation, he thought 'well quite a lot actually.'

 

Give generously . . . . please . . .

 

7th April 2122

   

 

The Furby-Brain Wars

For as long as anyone in the robotics industry can remember there has been war between the Furbies and the Brains.

Mostly it's the Furbies on the attack with statements like 'We need exactly the same product but 10% lower build cost.'

To which the Brains fired back 'Why not 20%?'

The Furbies chattered with excitement '20%? 20%? Yes!'

So the Brains went for the kill, 'How about 50%?'

Several Furbies fainted.

'Tell you what,' continued the Brains, 'let's go the whole hog and cut costs by 100%'

A handful of Furbies were becoming suspicious but they still hadn't quite got it 'But that'll cost nothing and when we mark it up by 600% our selling price will be zero. We'll just stick at 10% thanks.'

'Maybe we should aim to make it cost more to build, then you can put the price up.'

 

The Furbies nuclear option is always 'It's a deal-breaker for the customer and our competitor offers it as standard.'

This puts the Brains into disarray, half of them pouring scorn and the other half wondering if they should check out the competitor's recruitment page.

 

The Brains ultimate counter-measure is 'It depends . . .' This simple rejoinder can be used to defeat any request:

'How long would it take to combine a PuddingBot with an OperaBot (presumably to satisfy overweight singing robot market'

'It depends . . . '

 

Scenario 83 The Unknown PO

'We've got the PO!' chorus the Furbies.

'What for?' enquire the Brains.

'We don't have the specs yet.'

'Duh!'

 

Scenario 83½ 'When the Brains Meet the Customer':

'We must have a WINDOWS 3.1 interface' states the customer (with a straight face).

'But WINDOWS 3.1 has been unsupported for over 130 years!'

'We take copy exact seriously' stated the customer seriously.

The Brains sat there open-mouthed.

(Stop mixing your metaphors, Ed.)

Even the Furbies were texting 'This lot are mad!'.

 

(That's enough on Furby-Brain Wars, Ed.)

 

6th April 2122

 

Notes & Queries

Why is 7 years usually quoted as the time an obsolete product will be supported?

The answer is clearly in the Bible: 7 day creation; 7 years of plenty; 7 years of famine; seven trumpets blown by 7 angels to presage 7 plagues of the Revelation.   Rev Hilda Gronk, 77 Seventh Heaven (deceased).

As well as being deceased, Ms Gronk is also greatly mistaken. The 7 years comes from it being the most likely outcome of rolling a pair of six-sided dice. Major General Blenkinsop of the Seventh Horse Brigade.

Major General Blenkinsop should be unhorsed for the seventh and final time! 7 years comes from the time left to retirement of the first product manager to make a complex product obsolete thus setting the precedent of 7 years firmly into industry 'folk-law' GAT, Director of DIRT, Globalbot assembly site 7.

GAT is sadly on the broad path to DESTRUCTION! 7 years comes from the 7 fatal exception errors embedded in WINDOWS 666 the release of the seventh abomination that has no name. Digital Devil 7777 of 7,777,777

Digetal devel b damed. 7 is the lif xpectincy of beech donkey (c 22 Feb) Donki7@beechrides.com

 

2nd April 2122

'Every time we think about this project the cost doubles!' yelled the VP.

'I think I can see where this is going' muttered GAT to Thinkbot, 'I'd keep you head down if I were you.'

 

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Re: Re: Stop Thinking now

All staff are to stop thinking about Project D00967-VI Robot Lederhosen with immediate effect.

Regards,

Adminbot

 

'Aaaargh! I just can't stop . . . '

 

27th March 2122

 

Do's Don'ts
Get someone else to climb the ladder Climb the ladder
Lean the ladder at approximately 0o to the ground Lean the ladder up against a vertical surface
Only use the ladder for <3 seconds Have >0 people on a single ladder
Stay on the lowest rung until end of shift Ascend ladder on a motorised scooter
Use He balloons to aide ascent Climb the ladder feet first

 

21st March 2122

      

'I'm having a seriously bad day' moaned the Globalbot Asteroid Belt Service Director.

'Say what, way out! Customer grief?'

'Uh, customer? No, no, it's not a customer.'

'Hey what not customer? Cool man, who?'

'My wife doesn't like our new bathroom.'

'Woah! I've heard enough. Like sorry man, wife grief real grief.'

'I've planned a one-way trip to Ceres.'

'Good luck man sincerely. One way trip what no way man? Take care.'

 

17th March 2122

   

The VP lay flat out on the floor quivering with nervous energy. Suddenly he started babbling uncontrollably.

'BOTOP83 terminal faults . . . All Bots down! . . All customers . . . ESCALATION! . . . ESCALATION!   BOTOP83! BOTOP83! HYPERESCALATION!!  . . . BOT  DOWN! MUST GO BACK TO BOTOP82.5.SP8!'

'He's pareto-charting!' yelled the first aider, 'He needs 50ml of trivia, quickly!'

Someone passed over the syringe and the first aider gave the shot.

The VP visibly relaxed, 'Free milk in the factory . . . send someone on the corporate diversity training . . . fill in my VDU assessment . . . '

'He'll be okay now.'

GAT muttered, 'But how will we tell him that going back to BOTOP82.5.SP8 will almost certainly cause a world-wide electrical blackout and civilization collapse?'

 

14th March 2122

TNET 83838383 - ESCALATION!

Customer: Rongend Stik R US

Globalbot Product: FlapBotTM

Serial:  H0NKalott83

Problem: Customer chase bot every day

Status: Active goose (wild) pursuit in progress

Update

Situation NORMAL - de-escalate? Pls confirm.

 

12th March 2122

  

'We've been talking amongst ourselves' said the Field Furbies.

Uh oh thought GAT.

'We've decided to switch fizzy drinks from carbon dioxide to hydrogen.'

'Hydrogen? You can't do that! The Fizzbots will explode.'

'Can't is not in our vocabulary. And anyway we've already committed to the customer. Engineering need to come up with a clear plan to stop Fizzbots exploding. When can Engineering deliver?'

'Q2 2132'

'But that's ten years! We can't tell the customer that.'

'I thought 'can't' wasn't in your vocabulary?'

'But the customer is Korean!'

'Why not ask them to become Swedish? They seem a lot more sensible.'

'But we can't . . . er um'

 

5th March 2122

Update from the Production Planning Review.

'The Zimmerbot for Droidwright is the wrong spec.'

'But it's the right spec for Rongbot?'

'What? Droidwright wrong Rongbot right?'

'Yes it's wrong'

'No it's wrong'

'Oh yes it isn't'

'Oh no it is'

'Oh yes it is'

'Oh no it isn't'

'Yes it's right'

'No it's right'

'Let's take this off line.'

'Next is the Puntbot for Upenunda Tech - it's crated but will be diverted to the customer with no name'

'Who?'

'The customer with no name'

'But I thought they wanted a Anonymobot'

'And the Bodycount legs won't be in until end May.'

[Cont. Forever]

 

2nd March 2122

Key Business Concepts #83 - The Funnel to Factory Ratio

 

Case 1 - Funnel < Factory, FFR <1

In this case the business is shrinking rapidly. The Funnel is so puny it'll never catch more than the odd PO, and the Factory is so big the employee mean-free-path (MFP) is probably a mile.

 

Case 2 - Funnel = Factory, FFR=1

 

In this ideal state, the incoming POs in the Funnel perfectly match the Factory capacity. It is widely recognized as a theoretical state that cannot exist in reality.

 

Case 3 - Funnel > Factory, FFR>1

 

In this case the business is apparently growing explosively - but incoming POs in the mother of all Funnels dwarfs the Factory capacity and the entire workforce are squashed into a volume no larger than a sugar cube.

 

In the real world of the modern Robotic industry, businesses oscillate wildly between FFR<<1 and FFR>>1 and employees frequently experience sugar-cube implosions whilst simultaneously walking to the next desk. This is the famous Schrödinger's business paradox which is outside the scope of this article.

 

(this is total rubbish! Ed.)

 

25th February 2122

 

Appraisal season. GAT was feeling good about it.

'Hey Thinkbot, guess what I did to my roadmap objective.'

'I dunno. What?'

'I amended my main objective from:

Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 months

To

Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 light years

and no one noticed.'

'So your top appraisal objectives are almost as distant as Proxima Centauri.'

'Right'

(Note: DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology)

 

22nd February 2122

 

Dear Globalbot,

i am inrested in yore resnt ad 4 the posision of Thoroughbred. Plese find atached my aplication. Altho i am only a beech donki I belieeve i wood gro into the roll and git faster veri quikly by learning on the jog.

i ergelly luk 4ward to hering from U.

Sinserly,

Donkey 83

donkey83@beachrides.org

 

14th February 2122

 

7th February 2122

 

5th February 2122

      

 

'The good news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

Looks of disbelief from the Globalbot Operations Team.

'The bad news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

The looks of disbelief turned into looks of terror .

 

'I don't understand' said Thinkbot 'I thought they'd be happy.'

'Well,' replied GAT, 'at face value, chasing the same parts 2 weeks running is good news, but it almost certainly means the market is slow so they're probably chasing the wrong parts 2 weeks running and, in about a month, the Salesmen will all do "great catches" and land orders for something completely different and Operations will be expected t0 ship by end March to save the Q! revenue. Failure is not an option, fire in the hole, all hands to the pump, make my day punk, Luke Luke I am you father.'

 

29th January 2122

requisition flowchart V83.7.IV.Rev A.SP4.7 (pre-release).

 

'Hmm', mused GAT, 'I think this might explain how my requisition for G$1.03 (Globodollars) ended up with God for approval.'

Thinkbot thought for a  second, 'It might also explain why you'll wait an eternity for delivery.'

 

24th January 2122

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (5 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (10 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

(Continued forever)

 

20th January 2122

Globalbot Implements New Portal
Robo-Reuters: Monday 20th January 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had implemented a new portal to Product Marketing. 'We're thrilled to open this exciting new 3-dimensional accessway,' enthused Marc Etyng VP Globalbot Marketing, 'Anyone entering will be transported in real time directly into the nerve-centre of Globalbot Marketing!' Bewildered industry experts commented 'We had no idea what Globalbot was talking about until an anonymous source from Engineering told us - They've just made a new b^%&* door from the corridor into their open plan office.'

 

 

15th January 2122

 

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Corporate Logo

It is mandatory that the correct corporate blue is used in the Globalbot logo.

Any questions please do hesitate to ask.

Regards,

Adminbot

'Does the planet need to be the right way up?'

'And does it actually need to say Globalbot?'

'Why do we have to be trustworthy, dependable and strong?'

 

'Why can't we be optimistic and friendly?

'Or creatively peaceful?'

'In what way are Oreo cookies trustworthy, dependable and strong?'

 

8th January 2122

 

'I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of engineers suddenly cried out 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'

I fear something terrible has happened.'

Thus did GAT presage the howlers committed by Globalbot chasing Q421 revenue.

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

THINKBLOG  - 2121

 

THINKBLOG  - 2120

 

THINKBLOG  - April to December 2119

 

THINKBLOG  - July 2118 - March 2119

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2118

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Mar 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

ORIGINAL INDEX