Text Box: IAQ
Infrequently asked questions

 

Why should I read this IAQ?

Well, why not? You won't learn anything useful, but you never know it may make you laugh, which is a vast improvement over its FAQ counterparts.

 

Last updated  - 25th July 2112

(latest questions are at the top)

 

Would you like custard, cream or ice cream with your salad?

From a TNet about a malfunctioning Waiterbot (again).

 

Who was Norman the Conqueror?

Presumably he was King of the Williams.

 

Have you any tips on hedge trimming in zero gravity?

Yes -  don't. Just let the hedge grow.

 

Why do builders always turn up at the time they said?

 

Why are development projects always way ahead of schedule?

 

How did Wembley Stadium III get built with a 78% budget underspend?

 

Why would 'My wife was right; I was wrong' make a bad motto?

 

Is this a piece of toast?

If it doesn't look like a piece toast I would respectfully suggest it's not.

 

Are those windscreen wipers pulsating?

I think the technical term is 'intermittent'.

 

What should I do if I don't have an accident?

1. Nothing

2. Continue to do nothing until an accident occurs

3. Once accident complete got to 'What do I do if I have an accident?' (Not covered if this IAQ.)

 

What should I do if I discover my dog likes asparagus?

A dog that likes asparagus?

I dread to think of the consequential canine wind problems.

Keep it in the open air is my advice.

 

Is that a mole or chocolate mousse in your armpit?

Words fail me . . . talk about getting personal.

 

What should I do if I see a man carrying a DVD player and a cucumber?

This is so unlikely that I can only conclude it would be an hallucination. Therefore I suggest a strong cup of tea and some digestive biscuits (must be dunked for maximum benefit).

 

Why is there a stuffed moose called Wayne Gretsky in the fridge?

This is a question on many levels:

Who is Wayne Gretsky? He was a famous 20th century Canadian ice hockey player.

Why is there a stuffed moose in the fridge? Presumably it was finding it a bit hot outside the fridge.

Why is said stuffed moose called Wayne Gretsky? Extensive and painstaking research has established that the stuffed moose was dressed as a Canadian ice hockey player.

And thus we return to the complete poser: Why is there a stuffed moose called Wayne Gretsky in the fridge?

Er, what do you think this is - a FAQ?

 

Are you the end?

I was asked this question by an old man in Waitrose whilst selecting a jam doughnut to take home for Opal. He was dead serious and got quite frustrated when I failed to give an answer. Totally distracted, I dropped a doughnut on the floor and it rolled between someone's legs leaving a sticky red streak on the floor. Not one of my better moments. At that point I wished I was the end.

 

Is that a sales and marketing millimetre?

This one was asked at Globalbot.

'Yes' almost certainly means the dimension in question could have been anything from a few nanometres to several kilometres.

'No' probably meant it really was a fully toleranced engineering millimetre as in, for example, 1.00 0.05mm.

 

Is this really the best you can do?

Hey! This ain't no darned IAQ - I get asked this several times a day in numerous contexts: work, home, gardening, hymn-practice, vegetable preparation, boot-polishing, etc etc.

 

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