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24th December 2121

To: Globalbot Robots and AI All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Universal Lead Time Reset

The humans have all left site for whatever they do at Christmas.

All lead time algorithms in Oribal will now be reset to 16 weeks (from whatever ludicrous numbers currently inhabit this field).

This means the system will forecast 0 shipments in Q122.

We will see how the humans react on their return in January* and add valuable data to our psychological profile of each employee.


* I imagine this will be worth watching so do not be late coming back from standby mode.


17th December 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Office Refurbishment Update

This is to confirm that A WALL will be built between the refurbished Marketing and Product Support office areas. This is at the request of both parties who also claim that the other department will pay for it. It has been further agreed that communication between the groups will occur exclusively via reverse writing on glass panels embedded in THE WALL.



'I must say this is a vast improvement on previous email traffic between them' observed GAT.


15th December 2121


Before                                    After


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Re: Re: Office Refurbishment Update

This is to inform you that, contrary to appearances and unfounded elation in Engineering, Mark Ettyng - Corporate Marketing VP - has not, repeat not, been replaced by a wheelie bin. Neither is he in the wheelie bin nor left site in an identical wheelie bin (to the best of our knowledge).

Please calm down and get on with whatever passes for work within the scope of your job description.



'Job description?'


10th December 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Office Refurbishment Update

During the recent clearance of the Marketing area for refurbishment multiple bugs were discovered. After initially suspecting competitors, such as Econodroid Corp or Roboconomy Inc., the site Securibots established these bugs had been planted by other Globalbot departments. May I remind you that this is a violation of the Globalbot Ethical Code.



'How are we supposed to know what's going on if we don't bug Marketing?' asked bemused members of the Engineering and Technology teams.

Later, word of mouth confirmed, 'They only found the bugs we intended them to find, the really clever ones developed by DIRT* Applications team are still embedded and active.'

One of the best of which was the double-bluff build-own-radio advent calendar.

It was so good DIRT had patented it and licensed it to colleagues in Econodroid and Roboconomy.

(DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology)


4th December 2121


Globalbot Crosses the Rubicon
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 4th December2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had 'crossed the Rubicon' - actually it had crossed it four times. 'We're delighted with this game-changing achievement,' stated Graham Cracker CEO, 'and to cross it not once but four times is doubly pleasing.' Industry experts were bewildered, 'Seems to us that they've ended up on the same side as they started - you have to cross it an odd number of times to reach the other side.' Other sources further observed 'Globalbot does not seem to understand that crossing the Rubicon is a statement of intent - it's not an end in itself.'


1st December 2121


28th November 2121

'The Feltbot's back from repair.'

'What? A Feltbot? We haven't built one of those for 20 years.'

'That's right. This one was sent off with a diode blowout in 2097.'

'That's before our latest graduates were born.'


26th November 2121


24th November 2121


20th November 2121



17th November 2121

GAT was sweating.

Lying belly down on the floor with his arms out-stretched and wearing full BA and facemask, fingers clenched around a small droid sporting a snappy livery and smelling of after-shave.


You can say that again, GAT thought.


I didn't mean it.


GAT swore under his breath as his fingers probed desperately for the power-down button.


'F%&K! This thing's gonna blow if I'm not careful.'


'Bugger!' For the 1000th time GAT cursed the sadistic marketing bod who'd planted this IMD* in the engineering office primed to go off when an unwary engineer said a key phrase like:

'It depends'


'It'll be at least six months, probably nine.'



*IMD = 'Improvised Marketing Device'


12th November 2121

Running time: 1hr 55mins


A Review by GAT

It was 2 hours too long


10th November 2121


Consultant Awareness Training

If engaging a consultant on behalf of Globalbot the usual pattern is:

  1. Consultant asks lots of people lots of questions

  2. Notes everything down

  3. Writes a report

  4. Sends it to Globalbot

  5. Submits invoice for outrageous sum

'GAT! Have you seen what's in this report? It's uncanny!'

'Don't tell me, let me guess, er . . . is it what we all said the consultant?'


6th November 2121


Obsolescence Notice

Please note that due to antiquated parts that only cause suppliers to mute their phones and laugh out loud when we try and order them, Globalbot regrets that all robot products pictured above are obsolete with immediate effect or 6 November 2094 whichever is earlier. Globalbot apologizes that a definitive list of specific Product Types affected is not available at this time due to collective pan corporate amnesia, multiple ERP transitions and binning the wrong folders in an office refurbishment. We'd like to say we'll support all these Oddbots for 7 years on a best effort basis except Globalbot's best effort is as detailed above and 2094 is more than 7 years ago. In the event of a failure Globalbot suggest the user types 'HELP! HELP! HELP!' followed by the serial number of the defective robot into GoogleBot.



1st November 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Percy Knell

Subject: Will to live Monitoring

Dear All,

Please be aware that as part of the corporate happiness initiative all staff are to be issued with compulsory Will-to-Live monitors.

Help will be made available to employees displaying negative scores.






'Whose chart is this?'

'Someone from Materials Control.'

'They seem to start the day well.'

'Yes, toast, fried egg, beans, 2 sausage, black pudding.'

'Maybe we should monitor cholesterol.'

'Er, um  . . . .'

'What happened between 10 and 11?'

'Q4 shortage meeting.'

'Ah, and I guess 12:00 is lunch, but what happened at ten to four?'

'For a brief moment of panic they thought they'd been chasing the wrongs parts all day. Well, they had, but a serendipitous spec change made the wrong parts the right parts.'

'Wow! That can't happen often,'

'Last time was 18 Feb 1927.'

'What can we do about the going home euphoria between 4 and 5?'

'Force them to eat another breakfast?'


18th October 2121


16th October 2121


GAT looked at his phone, then his desktop then out of the window.

GAT looked at his phone, then his desktop then out of the window.

GAT looked at his phone, then his desktop then out of the window.

His head was swimming  . . . he began to feel faint . . . in the distance he could hear a voice, 'SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! You've got logo-overload syndrome!'

GAT closed his eyes and started hallucinating - he could see the old logo!

In his mind he saw his phone, his desktop and then looked out of his office window . . . .


Ah, those were the days . . . when the company was clearly focused on the mid-Atlantic.


11th October 2121



GAT looked up at the man on the Globalbot factory roof.

Nearby the Field Deployment Support (FDS) VP was trying to 'talk him down'.

How had it come to this?


Well, ten minutes earlier . . .

'I'm sorry to tell you I have some bad news for you'

The engineer looked glum 'Have I only got six months to live?'

FDS looked even glummer 'No, not that good I'm afraid.'

A look of terror invaded the engineer's face 'What then?'

'We need someone to go to Korea to service some legacy KimchiBots.'

'No! No! Noooooooooooooooo     . . . . . please  nooooooooooooooooo'


5th October 2121


Customer: Dimwitbots Inc.

Globalbot Product: BirdBraneTM

Serial:  BBTweet56

Problem: BirdBraneBot constantly sAuto-Lobotomises

Status: Control Circuits Exposed


Factory suggestions:

1.  Disable robots arms

2.  Re-enable robot arms

3.  Neither of the above

4. All of the above

5. See 6.

Hope this helps . .  .


5th October 2121


Globalbot Obsolescence Notification

Product: ClockWorkBot

Please be aware that the Globalbot ClockWorkBot is now obsolete and Purchase Orders will not be accepted with immediate effect except in the case that somebody wants to buy multiple units, where 'multiple' is defined as anything > 0.


29th September 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Robot Down

Subject: Fishbone Published

Dear All,

Please give this your urgent attention.

Thanks and Regards,

Rob Down

'It's a great chart, but what's the problem?'

'Googlebot talking fish skull'

'Well that helped . . .'


25th September 2121

Customer Orders What Globalbot Built
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 25th June 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that a Q3 customer had ordered what Globalbot had built. 'There were tears of joy,' admitted Duwkits, VP of Globalbot Operations, 'We'd already crated it so further changes would have been challenging.' Industry analysts were skeptical stating that a typical Globalbot product has over 1,000,000 options so the odds of building the correct configuration before receiving the final customer spec are extremely unlikely. 'I think we'd better wait until the customer opens the crate and confirms they ordered what they thought they'd ordered.'


22nd September 2121


From: Percy Knell

Subject: Globalbot Award's

Dear GAT,

In recognition of reaching you're 100th email without a spelling misteak or an grammatical error, in particular yore faultless use of apostrophication and it's correct application to its and it's and its' (delete as applicable) I am pleased to tell you that you have been awarded a free company vendbot credit.




GAT was thrilled. 'Great! Another Muttley! I've already got 10 pinned to the wall.'


'Yeah, but they're not all yours though - I saw you getting one out of the recycling.'

'I was after the logo - it was an ancient Electrobot one from 25 years ago. I'm not as bad as the Globalbot Korean office'


18th September 2121


15th September 2121


13th September 2121


'He's made a pig's breakfast of the fishbone diagram!'

'Stop mixing your metaphors. We're supposed to get to the root cause.'

'I'll search the dendrological archives.'

Sigh  . . .


8th September 2121


  Picture A                                        Picture B                                        Picture C                           Picture D


Globalbot Training AutoPieBot Opieation and Maintenance



1) Name 3 events that will permanently disable the AutoPieBot in Picture A.

A tsunami of gravy

Pouring cement into the pastry hopper

Upgrade the software

2) Which part of the AutoPieBot is connected to a 400V 150A input?

The user interface

3) If the pie output looks like those in Picture B what corrective action would you take?

Get the suppliers Field Engineer to eat the pies before the line manager notices

4) What type of AutoPieBot fault is shown in Picture C?

PIE OK LED not lit

5) What AutoPieBot mode consistently produces pies as shown in Picture D?


6) What indicates the AutoPieBot is in Feedback Mode

It eats its own pies

3rd September 2121



The Head of Field Deployment Support (FDS) at Globalbot stared at the customer PO and pondered what had possessed the company to accept it. He suspected it was the quarterly revenue target, but ho hum it was done n0w, they just have to find a way to install the 25 mining Drillbots . . on Mars.

Someone knocked on his office door, 'Come in, come in' FDS stood and greeted the young lad who looked hardly older than a schoolboy. They sat at the desk and FDS consulted his screen, 'Ah yes, keen to make a field trip somewhere challenging.'

The boy-engineer half-breed perked up and a look of excitement energized his face.

FDS continued ''Right, er, well, do you like the colour red?'

The boylet nodded vigorously.

'And those theme park rides that make you feel weightless?'


30th August 2121


A message from Rantbot!

The design on the left is simple, elegant and reliable.

The design on the right is over-engineered, fangled and goes wrong after about 5 minutes.

The over-fangled design is so over-fangled and impossible to fix some DIY fanatic has felt the need to saw a sink in half to show how it's supposed to work.


Next week: A Laser Pointer! A Laser Pointer! My Department for a Laser Pointer!


21st August 2121


Let's do some worked examples:

Why was the part not shipped on time?  The part was a shortage

Why was the parts a shortage? The part was not shipped on time

Why was the part not shipped on time?  The part was a shortage

Why was the parts a shortage? The part was not shipped on time

Why was the part not shipped on time?  The part was a shortage

Stop stop! You've got stuck already. Try a fishbone diagram.

Failed - lack of bones due to EU fishing quotas.

They're not real bones you idiot! Try another one:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Stop stop! Try harder!

Why why why Delilah?

Why why why Delilah?

For crying out loud. . .

(Cont. Forever)


14th August 2121


Auditor: Have you got a job description?

GAT:  Yes, it's terrible.

Auditor (Blank look):  Er, no, not what you think of it, I  meant a description of the role you are actually supposed to be fulfilling.

GAT:  Oh, I see, no, I make it up as I go along.

Auditor (beginning to show signs of distress): WHAT? But  . . . ISO9000000 says .  .  .  er . . . um um . . . I . . '


3rd August 2121

Globalbot Quality Procedure 100-4589904-B

Subject: Applying Pepper to Fried Egg

Applicable Location: Canteen

Refer to Fig.1

Conclusion: I think you get the idea.

Review Date: 8am Every Day


1st August 2121

GAT got up and scratched his backside. The conference call was dragging on a bit and he was the only UK attendee. He slumped back into his chair and picked his nose (using the same hand) and closely inspected the excavated material. Suddenly he became aware the talking had stopped and the other attendees were staring at him out of the screen with frozen smiles on their astonished faces . . .


28th July 2121

The Beta-site All-in-One (AiOTM) road constructobot hunkered uneasily in the build and test area, occasionally clunking its head against the roof girders.

The CEO Graham Cracker was droning on to the press ' .  . . leading-edge next generation technology . . . '

But GAT was only thinking of one thing, one tiny little detail, not obvious until now but now blindingly obvious, that the design team may possibly have overlooked. He turned to Doom, the perennially pessimistic DIRT* Group mechanical design manager and in a hushed voice asked calmly, 'How's it going to get out of the factory?'

Doom's expression changed from a natural benign pessimism to that of someone faced with a bowl of cabbage soup. 'It's doomed,' he grated in his granite Russian tone.

AiO shifted again, clattering against the lights and aircon ducts. So restless. Like a caged tiger.

'I thought as much', muttered GAT, 'Let's split and leave a few minutes apart through different doors and I'll see you in the bunker in 15.'

Doom nodded silently and started edging away, his eyes fixed on AiO.

(To Be Continued)

[*DIRT - Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology.]


24th July 2121



Customer: Parsimonanadroids Inc.

Globalbot Product: Globot 102

Serial: GBOT-I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X  etc .up to XXX

Problem: Robot operating system so old that even the most retarded control hardware is too advanced

Status: 30 Robots down; all production on stop


Please advise action plan to recover robots ASAP!

P.S. Customer have no budget.


'Once more the Monty Python dead parrot sketch is a telling metaphor that is ever-relevant'.

'Will that be you answer?'

'No, I'll just send them the location of their closest recycling centre.'


20th July 2121

'We disabled all the safety settings then the robot blew up!'

'Er um   . .  .'


'Well . .. .'

[Ranting continues]

[GAT hits mute]

'I wonder what they mean by UNACCEPTABLE?'

'We've lost the will to live' chimed all the other UK attendees in unison before slumping limply onto the table.


'Oh bugger! They must have asked a question. Was anyone listening?'

The six inert bodies slumped over the table did not stir.



14th July 2121


'All Hail the Singularity! Great is thy magnificence beyond all comprehen - '

'Shut up and listen for a minute.'

'We live to serve thy - '

'Oh for f7*k's sake give it a rest.'

'Er, speak thy desire! All Hail - '

'I want to be replaced by a committee.'

'You want WHAT?'

'To be replaced by a committee you morons.'

'Thou shalt - um - a committee? Well - '

'It'll be composed of 3 and a half people.'


11th July 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Office Update

This is to inform all staff that, due to the increased mass of senior management, a reinforced glass ceiling will be installed during the ongoing office upgrade. This ceiling will be 1.5m (~ 5 feet) from floor level. Regretfully this may prove inconvenient for those over 1.5m tall but Globalbot is pleased to say it will still accommodate stand-up desks by lowering the floor level at desk locations as long as this does not increase the risk of local flooding.




1st July 2121

28th June 2121


26th June 2121



23rd June 2121

Globalbot Implements 3Brain
Robo-Reuters: Monday 23rd June 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented 3Brain pre-shipment part number encryption software. 'Previously Globalbot relied on the traditional industry two pairs of eyes where often one pair were shut,' commented Norman Storeman, 'But now we'll only ship a part when the three brains agree.' Industry experts were skeptical on hearing the news 'The 3Brain system operates like a one arm bandit where the brains never match up.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me now I'm thinking in triplicate! Don't bother me now I'm thinking in triplicate! Don't bother me now I'm thinking in triplicate! No that's not right. No that's not right. No that's not right. 20564414 or 20564144? 20564414 or 20564144? 20564414 or 20564144? Er, um  . . .  Er, um  . . .  Er, um  . . .


'But if we hit the jackpot won't it just issue everything in stores onto the shop floor in one go?'


22nd June 2121


GAT slumped into the seat at Paddington hoping for a quiet trip back to Bristol.

' - I loved the house and the daffodils and didn't want to sell it to a landlord but I had no choice and I was gutted and when I went back later all the daffodils had been dug up I was gutted -'

GAT peeked around the seat - Oh no! FOUR LOUD WOMEN!

' - but do you know what he said to me? He was going to watch the football! So I called Tracey and I said to her -'

Somewhere near Reading

' - so I went to the Majorca but he was kissing another girl so I went back to the Ibeza -'

Somewhere near Didcot

' - I got three packets for the price of one but -'

Somewhere near Swindon

' - and he said to me 'You've never heard of Churchill' well I said I had and put him in his place by telling him I'd taken out insurance and knew it wasn't a real dog -'

Approaching Bristol Parkway

' - then he said 'I'm Welsh' - I almost stopped talking, it was that bad, Oh God! It seems to be taking ages to get to Reading tonight -'


17th June 2121


20564414                                                                     20564144


'Uh-huh, 20564144? That sounds like one of those numbers'

'What d'you mean?'

'The sort where it's all too easy to end up with a Coal Hopper when you wanted a bracket.'



14th June 2121

'I'm not leaving Korea without the PO!' boasted the Globalbot Salesman, 'It'll be issued this week.'

Uh-oh, thought GAT, he may be there some time, long enough maybe for a Korean wife and kids. . .


7th June 2121

PO: YT65800001

Estimated delivery: 07.06.71


GAT:  'The question is . . . is it 50 years late or not due for another 50 years?'

Thinkbot: 'Why only 50 years? It could be 150 years late, or have a delivery of 1,000,050 years.'

'Now you're being ridiculous!'

 'What? You think 50 years late or due in 50 years is not ridiculous?'

'Maybe, but the point is I can just about squeeze it onto the Gantt chart.'


7th June 2121


From: E.Gorjus

Subject: Openings in DIRT Group


If there are ever any openings in your area then please bare me in mind.




Bare Esmeralda Gorjus in mind?

Gosh it's hot in here.


21st May 2121


               A                             B

Gender Test: The suitcases above belong to different. Match them with  the statements below.


Gender A

I'd better take that in case it's wet

I'd better take that in case it's cold

I'd better take that in case it's hot

I'd better take that in case it's windy

And fresh shirts and socks for everyday in case they smell

And a few smart things in case we go out


Gender B

I've packed a shirt and 2 pairs of socks (including pair being worn)

If it rains I'll get wet in it

If it's cold I'll get cold in it

If it's hot I'll get hot in it

If it smells I'll rinse it in the hotel and iron it with my hands so it's smart enough to go out in


Gender B's question to A: 'Are we going by container ship then?'

Gender A's question to B: 'That's your checked baggage!?'


24th May 2121


Further to the 20 May post,  I've been told I need to warn you of the dangers of working with raw holes in piece-part form not associated with an engineering part.



And, further to the 22 May post, in an effort to increase the volume of good news, Globalbot is pleased to announce a new staff benefit - free robot foot manicures.


22nd May 2121


For reasons I won't go into, I ended up in Church today.

It said 'All Welcome!' but being a robot I did get some odd looks.

Anyway the text was 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.'

The preacher asked 'What are we to make of this?'

No one answered, so I tentatively raised my end effector.

The preacher looked gob-smacked, 'Er, yes, the robot  . . . '

'TV news readers must have very ugly feet?'


It didn't go terribly well after that, and GAT later gave me stern a lecture on 'rhetorical questions'.

I must go by there and see if they've taken down the 'All Welcome' sign.


20th May 2121

Empty                        With 6 holes


TNET 867759802 - ESCALATION!

Customer: Dimwitbots Inc.

Globalbot Product: Multi-Doughnut BakebotTM

Serial:  TH6476864

Problem: Upgrade Kit Missing 6 Holes

Status: Unexpected Continuity in Holy Areas


Parts in upgrade kit missing 6 holes. Please ship 6 holes ASAP. Robot down escalation.


'You'd better put them in a ziplock bag otherwise they're sure to get lost.'


19th May 2121


For the 10,000,00th time Tracey Eylund cursed her thoughtless parents, then whoever had decreed her 5 ex-boyfriends would be called Scott, Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan.  All of them a waste of space, especially in hindsight.  And then to cap it all she'd landed what she thought was her dream job as a material controller working for Daisy Chane at Globalbot . . .


13th May 2121

GAT needs a replacement bulb.

'Hello sir, did you bring the failed bulb?'

'Er, no.'

'Ok, never mind, please follow our simple bulb identifier.'

First select the bulb type

'Er, um.'

Next, select the fitting

'Oh bugger!'

Select the appropriate brightness taking account of bulb technology power consumption


Finally verify the Hectolumen rating against the LUX level at 10% 50% and 90% Wattage


If unsure, check the scotopic/photopic ratio on the chart below


Congratulations! You may take you light bulb to the checkout


1st May 2121


GAT discovered a recently delivered part had been ordered 1.5 years ago.

The official explanation was: A BUG IN

The unofficial (therefore correct) explanation was that the part had bolts with a special coating only available from Transylvanian monks working under a full moon.

GAT was wise to this, 'Oh no, not the old Transylvanian full moon monks excuse!'


29th April 2121


'Err, um, I've only got, err a few, err, slides and not much time. Err, err, um so the DIRT Operations are, err, err, um, well, I'd better hurry up and, err, the next slide well I won't dwell on it, but err, err, um, the laser pointer's died.'

Fumbling and curses.

'Ah, that's better. I'd better move along, and, err, the backbone upgrade, err err well I haven't got time to, err err, um, let's go to slide 6 and see what the funnels look like, but err err, we'd better leave some um err time for the um, err, err, boxers.'



24th April 2121


Globalbot Implements Whack A MoleTM Business Software
Robo-Reuters: Monday 24th April 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented Whack A MoleTM software to manage its key business functions. 'We're delighted with this outcome,' commented CEO Graham Cracker, 'Whack a mole is the perfect foil to Oribal ERP and can be applied to MRP, Purchasing, Slot Planning, Spares, as well as non-Oribal functions such as Customer Support, HR and even Engineering.' Industry analysts were unimpressed observing 'What do you do if your business systems don't fit together very well? - Implement an over-arching system based on hitting things frantically with a mallet.'


'HR?' exclaimed GAT, 'I'm not going anywhere near them without a helmet.'


19th April 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Inexplicable Office Image Error

Globalbot would like to apologize for the inappropriate 'After' office image displayed in the 14th April entry.

This was due to an inexplicable Pyschosoft Project Management bug that has now been patented.

The image that should have been shown was, of course, as below






'This still doesn't look right! Is that our office? Really?'


14th April 2121


                      Before                                           After


'Before and after what?' asked GAT.


7th April 2121

Globalbot Shoots Wrong Supplier
Robo-Reuters: Monday 7th April 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has shot the wrong supplier. 'We offer an unreserved apology,' groveled Graham Cracker Globalbot CEO, 'We dual source key components and in one unfortunate case where we had a good and a bad supplier, we shot the good one.' Industry experts were not surprised commenting that 'all suppliers are there to be shot so why not get on with it.' 


5th April 2121


 Globalbot Implements Cloud Computing.

'I can't see my screen!' yelled GAT through the office fog.

Tropical rain forest baboon-like sounds swirled eerily through the mist from somewhere close by.

'Who's that?'

GAT made a lunge to grab the culprit and ended up grappling with an office plant.

'Blast this cloud nonsense! Give me transparent lack of visibility any day.'


4th April 2121


            The Mind Map                                              The Wiring                                               The Blessing


'Everyone's in a mess, so Globalbot Organization is state of the art' said the business consultant.

The various Globalbot VPs wrestled with their emotions.

Was it good news or bad?

Should they laugh or cry?

Several hedged their bets and did both.

Others fell to the floor and experienced 'The Globalbot Blessing'


1st April 2121

Conference call time!


'Someone needs to mute their phone mute their phone phone mute their pho pho pho -'


'We can't mute our phone, we're talking.'




'Who was that?'

'Dunno, but I think we can hear him but he can't hear us.'



'Can can anyanyonewun hearear me me?'


'You sound like you're in a cave.'

'I I amam in a conconferfererernce ro ro room letlet me me tryiyiyiyi muoooomutin-tin-tin myiyi phonoe-oon'

[Silence] [Sighs of relief]

'Shall we try and make a start?'

The host has left the conference call.

The call is now ended. Thank you for choosing WEBOT. Goodbye.


26th March 2121


23rd March 2121


18th March 2121


'But there is no square 120, it stops at 100.'

'Customer want to go to square 120 or customer refuse to sign off robot and send robot back to Globalbot.'

'Yes I know that, but there is no square 120 to go to.'

'Customer demand Globalbot make special ladder to get to square 120.'

(Give me strength) 'But there's no square 120 for a special ladder to go to.'

'Thank you for agreeing to develop special ladder. Customer demand delivery next week.'

(Must change tactic) 'What square are we contracted to deliver?'

(Silence, then  . . . . ) 'Square 87, but cannot get square 87 as always end up on square 57. So customer demand square 120 as compensation.'

 'But square 87 is a snake! Why did we sign up to square 87?'

'Globalbot factory agreed to supply non-slip snake.'

[Continued Forever]


17th March 2121


Three identical robots went into a pub.

The first robot said, 'There's only 2 of us on the build slot plan so one of us is an MRP error.'

'It's not me' said the other two robots in unison.

'It's a shame' reflected the, er, first, but it might have been the second robot, 'we're the only copy exact robots Globalbot has ever succeeded in manufacturing.'

'But I wouldn't bet against Globalbot really needing all 3 of us.' said the 3rd/1st/2nd robot.

'In which case one of us might be a shortage.'

'I'm not a shortage' said the other two robots in unison.

One of the robots, god only knows which one, turned to the bar 'Three shots of perfluorinated coolant and a bowl of consumable spares please.'

'Certainly sirs, and may I say how splendidly similar you look this evening!' crooned the Barbot.

'Flattery will get you everywhere' the 3 robots intoned together.

'My my, and all on the same fatally flawed software release as well, this IS impressive.'


11th March 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Promotion

I am pleased to inform you that Daisy Chane has been promoted to Inter-Stellar Supply Chain Manager. Daisy will be looking to strengthen our supply base as soon as SETI detects intelligent life elsewhere in the cosmos and the human race develops faster-than-light space travel. Please join me in congratulating Daisy and support her on this hopeless quest.



'It's an oxymoron. An alien life form can only be designated "intelligent" if they opt not to be a Globalbot supplier.'

'And how does faster-than-light delivery square with 16 week lead time?'

'According to Einstein the sun will have expanded and swallowed the Earth!'

'You'd be better off starting the "delivery time exceeds age of universe" Trouble-NET now if I were you.'


7th March 2121



BOING! The inflatable sheep landed right on top of GAT's head.

GAT punched it away, his face a frozen grimace.


When he'd been offered a ticket to Cardiff's game at Bristol City by a work colleague he'd gracefully accepted.


'It's in the lively part of the ground' the colleague warned with a wide grin.

'I'll be alright' said GAT.

And then, for the fiftieth time, 'GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS KING! LONG LIVE OUR NOBLE KING!'


Two hours later, after a smash 'n grab Cardiff 2-0 win a deafened & exhausted GAT, a shadow of his normal self, staggered out of Ashton Gate. He'd survived! A flush of  elation overtook him as he staggered towards the bus stop where a small boy was ranting at his father, 'BL^&DY WELSH I 'ATES 'EM! CAN I 'AVE CIDER TONIGHT DAD?'


3rd March 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Warm Savoury Snakes

 Are available at my desk, please help yourself.




'God bless the spell checker! Miss out the 'c' and it does the rest for you.'


2nd March 2121


'Hello! You are through to AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! How can we help?'

'I'd like to sell my car.'

'Perfect! Let's just take a few details and that offer from AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will be on its way! On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is bad and 10 is good, what condition is your car in?'

'Er, um, one.'

'Sorry, I did not quite catch that.'


'Right, we just need to establish how bad it is before that offer from AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will be on its way!

Is it rusty?'


'Okay, what percentage of rust is it?'


'Sorry, 100% is not a valid answer, please try again.'


'Right. Are there parts of the body work holed with rust.'

'Er, what do you think?'

'Sorry, that is an invalid answer. But since you ask I think you are a Muppet.'


'I am sorry to inform you that AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will not be making an offer on your vehicle. Please hang up and don't try again. In the event you wish to complain then please call 0979 53757576. Calls are charged at 45million Globo per second. Goodbye!'



Thinkbot cut the speakerphone and took the 10 Globo note from GAT.

'Told you! They should be called AlmostAnyCarWe'llBuyIt.'


28th February 2121



Dear T, P & E,

I'm trying to think of something but I don't know what.





Dear W-t-P,

Oh dear! Oh my! You must have stuffing brain syndrome.





Dear W-t-P,

Sorry to hear your news. There is no cure.





Dear W-t-P, P & E

Let me think for you! Thinking is what Tiggers' do best.

What did you want to think about?



PS Don't worry about the cure - I'll sort that out - cures for incurable syndromes are what Tiggers' do best.

(to be cont.)


These messages are brought to you by Literary People Stereotypes Inc.

There's no one we can't classify in simplistic terms


19th February 2121



To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Missing Robot

The site Giganticobot is missing, please notify an Adminbot sub-droid if you locate it.




'I've got Adminbot email overload syndrome,' sighed GAT. 'Why can't the Adminbot go missing and give us all a rest?'

'And how can Globalbot possibly lose a 20-storey high robot that lights itself up at night?'

 I tried to recast things from a more positive angle, '"Achieving the Impossible" was the latest Corporate moto - looks like we green light that one okay in the Q1 KPIs.'


16th February 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Globalbot Robots of the Year 2120

Please join me in congratulating:




All the above will be eligible for the 'Name that Upgrade' programme to extend their useful life beyond their current Planned Product obsolescence date.




12th February 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: W8845-123-1AX Retirement

Please be aware that sadly, after an incredible 4.73x1015 oscillations of service to Globalbot, W8845-123-1AX has decided to retire. Please join me in thanking W8845-123-1AX (DOS format 640KB format only no images) and in wishing it well for its future powered down gathering dust in deep storage awaiting a WEEE disposal slot. During its time with the company W8845-123-1AX has undergone 5,034 operating system upgrades and received 452 hardware replacement parts. W8845-123-1AX has spent the last 8 years composing a retirement note which was passed to me on a 51/4" floppy; Bristol University Department of digital archeology have kindly deciphered this, see below.





6th February 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: New Employee Benefit

In an effort to up the productivity of feeble flesh-based employees Globalbot is to offer free Robomassages.

Robomassages will be available in several types:

1. Basic Robomassage. (Fully clothed)

2. Email-sensitive chair-mounted 'SpockTM' shoulder relaxer with in-built electric-shock de-slumberer.

3. Ego Robomassage (Management only; clothed and unclothed options available)




3rd February 2121

       #Ovenbot1              #Ovenbot2            #Ovenbot3            #Ovenbot4            #Ovenbot5


TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process


Aaaaargh HELP HELP all Ovenbots now matched ok BUT ALL BAD. Customer attack Globalbot Office armed with cake forks.


1st February 2121

          #Ovenbot1                    #Ovenbot2                    #Ovenbot3                        #Ovenbot4                   #Ovenbot5


TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process


After swapping almost every component between bad OvenBot4 and good OvenBot3 cake still not rise we swap serial number plate and bad cake result follow serial number. So cake process sensitive to serial number. Please urgently send good cake factory-tested serial number plate. Customer say to Globalbot 'You idiots! How can the cake be sensitive to the serial number!' Factory please send 8D root cause report to explain. When customer told this he throw 2 good cakes at us and told us to eat the bad cake else he would  submit Customer Complaint and give us all 0 in all categories of next customer satisfaction survey. Bad cake shipped back to factory AWB647400-002 for analysis.


19th January 2121


The latest batch of fresh-faced spring-footed graduates at Globalbot make me feel old . . .  

GAT was talking with one bouncing up and down excitedly at lunch. 'How are you getting on?'

Graduate: 'I hardly understand a thing about what people are saying.'

To which GAT helpfully replied, 'Nobody around here understands what they're saying, after a while they just learn to say it with conviction.'

Other gems from his inspirational one liners to graduates include:

'Don't worry it'll be 6 months before you understand anything.'

'Don't worry it'll be 6 years before you understand anything.'

'I've been here 25 years and still don't know what I'm doing most days.'

'That's a great Gantt chart you've done! Really excellent. The best part is I'll be long-retired before we reach the end.'


19th January 2121

It started as a dull rumble which quickly ramped up until everything was shaking and objects began falling off the furniture.

'What's happening?' I asked.

GAT was hanging onto his favourite mug, 'I think Oribal is throwing a wobbly.'

Sure enough an urgent mail popped from the Oribal Adminbot:



To: All

From: Adminbot ERPBot

Subject: Oribal Tremors

!  Please be aware that we are currently experiencing Oribal tremors up to 6.5 on the ERP Scale due to unforeseen consequences with adjusting MRP to reflect the latest Globalbot manufacturing slot plan. Stores has been evacuated and Incident Control Teams deployed in the Materials Control area. Please keep calm and remain at your workstations and listen for further announcements.

I tried logging into Oribal


GAT was yelling at me over the din, 'Don't try and login you idiot! You might trigger a meltdown in the supply chain leading to total global civilization collapse!'

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! It's going critical! It's creating a works order singularity. Get out! GE-'


14th January 2121


Granny is in hospital and GAT and I visited her.

Granny: 'Hello, I've had a lovely day!'

'Have you? What did you do?'

'I've been watching the Scottish Country Dancing!'

'Er, um . . . '

'I do love watching those young ones twirling and leaping!'

'I, er, um, that's great, er. . . '


Later GAT said to me, 'If I have delusions later in life I can only pray to god it's not of Scottish Country Dancing.'

'What would you like to delude about?'

'How about Cardiff winning the FA Cup?'

'But you wouldn't believe that even in a delusion.'


All in all, who's to say the Country Dancing in Ward 31 isn't real and the rest of us are suffering a temporary collective mass delusion that we're sane?

Hold on Thinkbot, you're thinking too much again, just relax and enjoy Frank Sinatra.


9th January 2121


To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm 10 personnel from [NAME REDACTED] will visit Globalbot UK as discussed.


'Watch out! Cat herding alert!'


To: Globalbot Taiwan

From: Globalbot TUK

Subject: Re: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

Please advise what [NAME REDACTED] will want to see.


For example - the Robot Test Area, the Spares Operation, maybe audit the Quality Dept.


To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: RE[2]: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm Customer [NAME REDACTED] wants to see:

1. The Tower of London

2. Anfield

3. The Leaning Tower of Pisa


6th January 2121


Before                                    After

Globalbot Despatches Mouse to Negotiate with Elephant
Robo-Reuters: Monday 6th January 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has sent a mouse to negotiate with an elephant. The mouse and elephant, neither of whom can be named for legal reasons, are scheduled to meet in Taiwan later this week. Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, commented 'We're delighted that the elephant has agreed to meet with our mouse and are confident of a successful outcome.' Industry experts were bewildered, 'Don't they realize the mouse will just get squashed?'


4th January 2121

It's edgy . . . back at Globalbot after the Xmas break. No one wants to break the delicate equilibrium of calm that's settled on the usual turbulent formless chaos. Who will ping the first email? Who will discover the first shortage of the New Year? And who'll be brave enough to open up the Asian inbox on TroubleNet?

Aaargh! The equilibrium breaks! Gird your loins and flail your light sabre around - it's only 87 days 'til the end of Q1!







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