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21st Dec 2122



19th Dec 2122


The robot in the spotlight reached out a trembling end effector.

'Is this a SHORTAGE which I see before me?'

'Stop stop! For crying out loud hasn't the dagger been delivered yet?'

The robot turned and looked at the director.


'We're doing MacBot not a Comedy of Error Codes!'

'All the world's a shopfloor.'

'Oh not that software bug again.'

'A robot can crash but 3.14159654x1010 times'


14th Dec 2122


    Z-Bot7SXY             Competitor 1        Competitor 2          Competitor 3


GAT woke up with a start. He glanced around, had anyone noticed he had been snoozing?

Everyone was comatose.

Meanwhile the supplier rep continued to spout endless propaganda.


'  . . . .  Z-Bot7SXY the is the best in class marketing-leading product out there, truly the first vapour trail in the blue sky of dynamic robotic innovation. Just compare it with the competition!  HA HA HA! Right, let's take you through the leading edge advanced features of the Z-Bot7SXY in detail.'

The rep targeted his laser pointer and opened his mouth ' . . . '


'No! Let's not bother! I can't take any more of this! It's pure unadulterated bo&*^%kS!!!'


Silence.  An awkward silence. Everyone awake and staring at him.

The rep's face was frozen in horror, eyes wide and mouth open, saliva pooling around his tongue.

Blast, had he spoken that thought out loud?


25th Nov 2122



1st Dec 2122 


Gagging on the thick incense hanging in the air, GAT peeked out from under his cloak at the Oraclebot of Delphi.

One of the Acolytebots shoved GAT forward and the Oracle spoke.

Speak thy request

'O great and mighty Oracle I beseech thee . . . '

Verily verily gettest thou on with it 

'I desire to know which parts I should tell Materials to order to fulfill my development projects in 2123'

Show unto me thy product roadmap

'Er, um, there isn't one, at least there isn't one that deals with the future.'

The Oraclebot's shoulders sagged and sighed.

So what dost thou expect from me? A prediction of the past perhaps?

'Er, well, not really, I'd like some sort of prophesy about next year.'

Ah, well, that's easy

'It is?' spluttered GAT optimistically.

Verily verily I foresee that thou will havest no idea what thou are supposed to be doing

'But but but . . . I know that already.'

i see, Perhaps thou shouldest sign up to our online training course 'the art of prophesy'

The Oraclebot bowed its head and the lighting dimmed. Clouds of fresh incense engulfed GAT.

'Time's up' said the Acolytebot hooking the choking GAT out of the cloud with its curved end effector, 'that'll be 5 million globos, pay on the way out.'

25th Nov 2122


19th Nov 2122 

Globalbot Launches FractalFactoryTM
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 19th November 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has invested in FractalFactoryTM - a concept that allows a factory to be whatever size it needs to be at the time it's needed. 'This is a major step forward for Globalbot,' stated Duwkits VP of Dashing Around All Over the Place, 'In the past the factory was always the wrong size wherever you were in the quarter, but now it's always the right size.' Rumours from within this dimensionally-challenged environment indicate a certain degree of chaos, one employee reporting a 'near miss' after a toilet cubicle inexplicably vanished and another complaining the main corridor was a different length every day resulting in wild variations in journey time to the canteen. Industry analysts were cautious citing previous instances of complete factory implosion/ expansion ripping the very fabric of space-time to shreds.

(That's enough on FractalFactories, ed.) 


14th Nov 2122


GAT stared at the latest missive from Marketing, 'Well there's a snowball's chance in Hell of that!'

He sat in silence for a few seconds.

'Well, on the other hand it is a Marketing Hell, so it's probably quite cold.'

'Positively frozen I'd say.'

'I think you're right. You know what to do.'

'Go to the bunker?'

'Yes! YES! Go! GO! While you still have the use of your legs!'


8th Nov 2122


Globalbot Launches FitbitbotTM
Robo-Reuters: Monday 9th November 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has released FitbitbotTM aimed at relieving the stressful pressures of owning a Fitbit. 'Many Fitbit owners cannot relax until they've racked up their daily 50,000 step count' commented Leo Tarde, VP of Labour Saving Technology. 'Just hand over your Fitbit, stretch out in front of the TV and let the Fitbitbot take the strain.' Industry experts were baffled by the announcement, one of whom is alleged to have said 'But but but, I  . . . er .. . um, well . . . '


5th Nov 2122

GAT lit the fuse of the rocket strapped to the little robot's back.

'Ok, start the monologue.'

'This quality Globalbot product commemorates the gunpowder plot of 1605 when Guy Fawkes and a band of fellow convicted sex offenders attempted to blow up the prostitute King 'Big Boy' Ben the first and the brothels of parliament.  He was -

whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh!  BOOM!

'Hmm, not bad for a prototype but it needs some work.'

'A longer fuse maybe.'

'Or a shorter monologue.'

'How about no monologue?'

'Remind me to check its script when we're back in the office. Didn't quite believe what I was hearing.'

'Made sense to me.'


 30th Oct 2122


'Hello, you are through to Globalbot Support'

'Etr hjfjf nfjhjj qpo cncnn a!!!!

'I see, er, and how long have you been suffering from these symptoms?'


'Would you mind calming - '


'You would like to talk to my manager?'


'Please hold - '


The support bot made a few reassuring clicking noises then re-engaged with VOICE OPTION 2

Hello, I hear you -

yttr yfh dhdske ro[zaml;' shjsjsj

You have a flat tyre?

yttrty hgjhgh uuuuu

Well I think you'll have to take the elephant out first.

HjJJjjjj tyUTYT GGGG gGgfGHhh HSGHSHSGHGFHFGHFGHHhFGhfghghghhghhfghgfhfhdfgh

Ok, ok I -


Can't you tie it to a lampost or -



'Hello, you are through to Globalbot Support'


And so forth 24/7 for 365 days a year


 26th Oct 2122


GAT carefully checked his NERF gun, then turned to his engineers, 'Ok, we have to re-take meeting room 6 from Operations at all costs.'

'That'll be tough,' muttered Doom 'They're discussing crippling shortages in there.'

'Never mind about that. We've got to hold our weekly group meeting. Ready? One, two three . . . WAHHHHHH!'

(Screams of outrage and phut phut phut sounds)

'Aargh! It's a trap. They were waiting for us! Retreat! Retreat!'


21st Oct 2122


A sharp intake of breath broke the silence as the latest production plan flashed up on the screen.

'There are one or two minor changes . . . it was 10 roundabouts and 8 swings but 5 roundabouts are now swings and vice versa.'

The Engineering types were aghast, 'But but but you can't just swap swings and roundabouts, they're all configured differently.'

'Er, let's take that off line.'

'And where's the Swing Lo Sleek Roundabot slot gone?'

[That's enough! Ed.]



18th Oct 2122


Budget season!

IT Adminbot: Please convey your IT needs for the coming year

GAT:  I would like an incredible multi-VDU workstation

IT Adminbot: Having trouble getting attention from females?

GAT:  What?

IT Adminbot: Your request has been analyzed and classified as 'Compensating for lack of personal stature elsewhere.'

GAT:  Damn and blast! Who's been messing with the Adminbot personality sub-routine? THINKBOT, IS THIS YOUR DOING?


15th Oct 2122


11th Oct 2122

The atmosphere in the Globalbot Materials Office was one of barely suppressed frantic hyper-urgency. The chorus of Purchasers on the phone demanding 'delivery tomorrow' or querying 'three? THREE? But we need 46 by next week!' rose above the bashing of keyboards and gaggles of transfixed people watching constantly updating shortage lists on multiple VDUs as the sales forecast lurched chaotically from Chinese PaddyBots to Polish PlumBots and back again.


Then, an email dropped into everyone's inbox  .  . .


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: 5-year Plan

May I remind all staff that updates to the Globalbot 5-year plan are due this week.




Total silence fell into which a lone voice called 'How about a %$^&ing 5 minute plan you tin twat!'

Everybody laughed except it sounded more like screaming.


8th Oct 2122

Globalbot Obsoletes Golden Robot
Robo-Reuters: Friday 8th October 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had obsoleted its long-awaited Golden Robot. The Golden Robot, which was supposed to fix everything and replace Globalbot's current 'Industry-Leading' robotic range, was due to be revealed at some point to some customers somewhere TBC. 'It's a relief,' admitted GAT, Globalbot DIRT Director, 'Engineering never really figured out what is was beyond a vague feeling it was going to be better than any of our current robots.' Industry experts had a field day - 'Fools Golden Robot!' and 'The Golden Nobot' figured amongst the headlines. The Golden Robot was, in Globalbot's own words, 'The first vapour trail in the blue sky of advanced robotics' but one observer dryly commented 'No golden vapour trails seen, but think I saw an object in the sky.' It later transpired the object was a pie.


1st Oct 2122


Engineering Comments

'Somebody seems to be getting uppity about the vertical clamp foot again.'

'Well, the production prototype has been stuck to the wall for 8 years waiting for the next gate review.'



27th Sept 2122

People you DEFINITELY don't want on your Corporate Risk Committee #1:  Hieronymus Bosch


23rd Sept 2122


'But but but that's the only bit of the project Engineering have delivered!'


17th Sept 2122


GAT stared at the screen in disbelief, 'And the customer wants to know when these bots might be made obsolete and assurance we'll support them with spares for  a minimum of 700 years?'

Phone onto MUTE

'They were all made obsolete years ago and spares have all been consumed.'

'Or scrapped'

'What'll we say then?'

''Yes' I guess, 'no' might extend this call into lunchtime.'


 'That's absolutely fine, no problem.'


16th Sept 2122


Customer: DiscoBot Corp

Globalbot Product: KariokeDanceBOT

Serial:  N0T 51NG

Problem: All Singing Dancing Robot will not Sing or Dance

Status: Static silence


All singing Dancebots and dancing Singbots down.

Tried prodding with 50kV probe

Robot said '$%^& off!'


10th Sept 2122


'Half the water for twice the price!' ranted GAT after a semi-successful trip to the High Street (he doesn't go often so it's usually a journey of rediscovery).

'Advanced water suitable for state of the art steam Ironbots!' 

Helen was unimpressed, 'Well, perhaps we ought to replace Old Clanky with something a bit more up to date not to mention a bit smaller. It's embarrassing.'

But GAT was too far gone to absorb this eminently sensible suggestion, 'Advanced water! It'll be Quantum Water next, you mark my words!'

'Well, let's hope so. I don't think Old Clanky will cope with Quantum Water.'

'100% TWO HYDROGEN ATOMS AND ONE OXYGEN, it's been around for billions of years!'

'Ah, but, are we sure quantum water turns into quantum steam?'

(Cont. until foopball starts)


9th Sept 2122



Customer: Skywan Bulldozer Corp

Globalbot Product: SubAquaDigBot

Serial:  V3RY H3AVY R080T

Problem: Robot Sink not Levitate

Status: Stuck on sea bed


Met customer who very angry underwater Digbot not able fly top ocean and customer say buy He option for flying now Globalbot say He option for cooling not flying but customer expecting flying like competitors and Globalbot is worst supplier ever worse than the worst Digbot sinks in water every time and digs sand wrong place 1000 miles from mine where no fly means no dig customer request korective acton palm to fix HUG DISKONECT (cont. forever)


3rd Sept 2122


'Captain, sensors are picking up an unknown object directly ahead'

'On screen!'

'Sensors show it's . . it's . . .

'Come on man! Spit it out!'

'Er . . it's a Marketing Deadline.'

'What? Set forward speed warp 1, engage.'

'The line is moving away from us at warp 1.'

'Warp 2', engage.'

'Line has accelerated to warp 2. It's matching our speed sir.'

'Damn this fiendish Marketing technology! A deadline that moves away as fast as we can make progress towards it.'

'Aaargh! I don't believe it, it's moved!'


'10 years into the past. Sir! We're being bombarded by millions of milestone overdue auto-notifications. They're slicing though our shields like a cricket stump though butter!'

'Like what exactly?'

BEEP!  Scottie the Bottie here sir, she canna take much moor o' this.

'Come on Bottie, you're always saying - '



29th Aug 2122









And so on for several hours. Meanwhile from the depths of Pyschosoft -


'Hello! I'm Mr Clippy! You seem to be writing a suicide note! Can I help!'


29th July 2122


Meanwhile, down in despatch - consternation!

All Globalbot shipments for the week completed, but there's 3 crates left over with no packing lists.

Whose crates are they?

What's in them, and whoever they're intended for, is it what they think it is?

Hold on! Stand down, panic over.

A new packer had got confused. An experienced hand came in and revealed these crates 'Had always been there.'


25th July 2122


Film Review

 Terrible ROBOT's latest movie offering is a Lost In Space remake incongruously shoe-horned into a robot manufacturing plant.

The plot follows a hapless group of parentless parts and sub-assemblies as they seek meaning in their existence by overcoming insuperable odds to get issued onto the shop floor and built into a production robot.  Led by 0054-787000  M5 Left Bracket Pipe Support Interlock Loom 15 metre (played by CGI-enhanced 99270021 2A Twin Core WA), the intrepid group battle pedantic ISO9000000 compliant Storebots, crippling shortage lists and mind-numbing MRP instability as they head towards a showdown confrontation with the presumed mythical entity The Shortage Free Kit. Will they succeed in getting shipped, or at least crated up, or will they suffer the tragic fate of a stock return note and return to inventory (rumours abound that the sequel 'Back to the Bin' is already in filming, and that a prequel 'Ordered but never Delivered' will quickly follow.)


'Of all the films I've seen recently, this was one of them!'

Storeman Norman


18th July 2122


16th July 2122


Conference Call Time


'Hello . . .'

'Hello . . .'

'Hello M, is anyone with you?'

'No, I'm sat in my office all on my own'

[Tinny Laughter From the Phone]

GAT's hand shot out and hit mute.

'Two people laughed.'


11th July 2122


Excited Furbies at FurbieBot West 2122 eagerly await Globalbot's annual DrainBot press release.


Globalbot Launches PGGBTM DrainBot
Robo-Reuters: Friday 10th May 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has released the PGGBTM DrainBot. 'We're delighted to bring this product to market and it's already being hailed as major step forward from the previous monumentally successful GoldenTM DrainBot' proclaimed Marc Etyng, VP of Incomprehensible Hype. ''PGGB is a universe-leading novel patented technology  . .  . '


'No it isn't!' exclaimed  GAT from the safety of the secret Engineering secure bunker.'

'What is PGGB then?'

'It's Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster DrainBot.'

'How does it differ from the non-existent Golden DrainBot?'

'It's the previous standard DrainBot with a sub-system to dispense a PPGB such that the owner will never ever grasp the true nature of what he's bought.'

'I see.'

'Everyone's happy - the Furbies can back-slap their way to the nearest reception, Engineering can relax & watch Sci-Fi movies in their bunker, and the customer is comatose and unlikely to regain consciousness'

'And don't forget! The DrainBot designed 20 years ago can plod on slowly clearing drains at 99% uptime.'

'That's it! Next year's launch is sorted! The DrainBot Classic.'

'What about DrainBot Original?'

'That'll be in three years. In two years time we'll go with the imaginary SlickTM DrainBot SeXi'


2nd July 2122


Thinkbot watched the snail inching across the baking hot concrete.

It was drying up fast and on its last legs, er, or whatever passed for legs on a snail.

Thinkbot reached out his hand. This would be a good test of his recent R915.7.XViV.SP5.0623 finger control upgrade.

The previous 73,000+ versions had usually ended up crushing the poor gastropod.


Thinkbot sauntered across to a patch of damp shady vegetation and gently placed it under a plant.


An hour later Thinkbot was trapped in the weekly Engineering meeting and as GAT's voice droned on and on his processors drifted off and he started wondering if the snail had started a new mollusc religion after its transcendental death-defying experience.


' . . . and what progress have you made this week Thinkbot?'

Thinkbot's processors (running R88.97.MCM.SP17.097) rapidly refocused 'I inaugurated a new global snailological religion with my hand.'

What?  . . . '


23rd June 2122


18th June 2122


BARCELONA - A Short Counter Factual History


Barcelona is built on the foundations of two great men - Lionel Gaudi, the multiple world footballer of the year, and Antoni Messi the internationally acclaimed architect.


Antoni Messi            Lionel Gaudi


The most famous building designed by Messi is the Belgrano Familia which was famously unfinished when sunk by a Royal Navy submarine. Gaudi's lair however was the Camp Nou where he played the best football of his career before being run over by one of Barcelona's newly refurbished trams.


(Stop! Stop! I think that's short enough! Ed.)


13th June 2122


'Who's the guy with the funny eye?' asked the new graduate engineer.

'That's BOM-Eye Moody.'


BOM-Eye Moody stared at the Cripel parts list on the screen then threw his head back and emitted a maniacal laugh 'HA HA HA! It's the wrong neck seal! The Drainbot SeXi needs 700-444760 not 700-454890! HA HA HA!'


'He's worked here 30 years and can spot a BOM error in a split second.'


BOM-Eye Moody suddenly turned and stared at them 'I CAN'T STAND IT! I KNOW TOO MUCH!' then fell to his knees and pleaded 'Help me, help me . . . log out of Cripel and don't search on any more kits . .  . HA HA HA you should have seen their faces when I said that 640-567400 was INCORRECT!!!'


'He's quite harmless, but always right' GAT muttered.


It was only later that GAT realised the young graduate had wet himself.


7th June 2122


4th June 2122


More GAT insights on Barcelona.

'I get the purpose of the Gaudi hype sites - it's to soak up the masses and their dumbphones so that the real gems in Barcelona, such as the Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, can be left to the refined few.'

What a snob!


3rd June 2122


GAT and Helen have just returned from a trip to Barcelona, where GAT took the picture above.

'There's something terribly wrong' he told me.  'Contemporary religious building clashes with an everlasting supply of open-topped tourist buses.'

'So what?' I asked.

'Well the Sagrada Familia  is supposed to be a symbolic expression in stone of the Christian faith, an exaltation of the Family of Nazareth as a model for a united family, and a reverent appreciation of the suffering in the passion of Christ. The reality is that it's packed every day with at least 3 people/m2 all armed to the teeth with digital technology and hardly able to go 10 seconds without taking another photo.'

I nodded sympathetically.

'I'm not sure it is what Gaudi had in mind. If someone invented a time-travelling tour bus would Calvary in 30 AD be as crowded?'


28th May 2122

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Wild goose suffers silver bullet near miss

I think the subject line is clear and that it is totally unacceptable from a business perspective.

Future occurrences will be subject to ducksciplinary action.




Much head-scratching amongst the engineers.

'What's it talking about?'


'Do we need to revisit the Adminbot algorithm?'


27th May 2122


GAT has been on a Drambots whiskey tour, visiting many famous distilleries including Glenbelch.

'What are the three ingredients that go into creating a great single malt whiskey?' asked the tour leader.

'Serendipity, mythology and marketing hype.'

'Er, no, anyone else?'

'Packaging, bottle shape and price?'

'NO! It's water, barley and yeast.'

'What about the barrel?'

'The barrel is not an ingredient.'

'But it's vital to a great single malt whiskey.'

'Er, I, well .  . .'

'And what about the still shape?'

'Ok let's move swiftly onto the tasting. Experts have identified 95 distinct flavours in the Glenbelch 21 year old. Can anyone take a guess at any of them?'

'Soft baked fruits, fruit cake, syrup, apricot, cranachan, . er . . custard  .  .  octopus,  . . WD40,  .  . camembert,  . . . wetsuit,  . . . donkey tikka masala . . . toothpaste . . .'


21st May 2122

'Right! Hands up who's got their head around the latest production plan?'

Not a single hand was raised.

The VP of Proactive Predictive Planning let out a sigh and slumped in his seat.

This was going to be a long meeting . . .


18th May 2122


14th May 2122

Q2 Shipments Review


'What's that doing here?'


'That ele-'

'QUIET! We don't talk about it.'

'But it's . .  .'

'I said that's enough.'


Later GAT started typing 'I must tell you something about that ele -'



At the next meeting GAT smuggled in a Spybot.

Later GAT showed the photo to Thinkbot.

'It's a Hippo -'

All hell broke loose and site security bots appeared from nowhere



11th May 2122

Lost in Space Robot Gets Sat Nav
Robo-Reuters: Monday 11th May 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had given a Sat Nav to a lost robot free of charge. 'We felt so sorry for it' said Havit Onnus VP of Corporate Charity 'It was pathetic, waving its bellows arms around and yelling Danger! Danger!' Industry experts were baffled as it was not clear how the robot, which is only an ancient 1960s TV prop with nothing inside, is supposed to interface to the 55G state of the art sat nav.'  When asked about this the robot replied 'I WONDER THE SAME ABOUT HUMANS.'


7th May 2122


GAT stared in horror at the Marketing open plan office, 'No, surely not . .  .'

But yes it was. Members of the Purchasing Group were mixed in with the Marketeers.

'It's an explosive situation!' GAT explained to Thinkbot. 'There's a marketing guy on the phone promising 6 weeks delivery to a Globalbot customer sitting right next to a purchaser shouting down the blower to get the supply chain to deliver the parts required in less than 8 weeks.'


23rd April 2122


GAT was working through email, 'F%&@! Not the bl##7$y Golden WonkaBot again!'

' The oompa loompas will be livid!'


23rd April 2122


Open-mouthed, GAT stared at the picture on the charity web page.

Only one thought hammered at the door of his mind.

'I must get into the cleanroom more often.'


Later he thought 'A Welshman, a Scot, a Czech and an invisible Leicester rugby fan? What can possibly go wrong?'


Later again, after the lunchtime '105 mile bicycle saddle lard-arse' conversation, he thought 'well quite a lot actually.'


Give generously . . . . please . . .


7th April 2122



The Furby-Brain Wars

For as long as anyone in the robotics industry can remember there has been war between the Furbies and the Brains.

Mostly it's the Furbies on the attack with statements like 'We need exactly the same product but 10% lower build cost.'

To which the Brains fired back 'Why not 20%?'

The Furbies chattered with excitement '20%? 20%? Yes!'

So the Brains went for the kill, 'How about 50%?'

Several Furbies fainted.

'Tell you what,' continued the Brains, 'let's go the whole hog and cut costs by 100%'

A handful of Furbies were becoming suspicious but they still hadn't quite got it 'But that'll cost nothing and when we mark it up by 600% our selling price will be zero. We'll just stick at 10% thanks.'

'Maybe we should aim to make it cost more to build, then you can put the price up.'


The Furbies nuclear option is always 'It's a deal-breaker for the customer and our competitor offers it as standard.'

This puts the Brains into disarray, half of them pouring scorn and the other half wondering if they should check out the competitor's recruitment page.


The Brains ultimate counter-measure is 'It depends . . .' This simple rejoinder can be used to defeat any request:

'How long would it take to combine a PuddingBot with an OperaBot (presumably to satisfy overweight singing robot market'

'It depends . . . '


Scenario 83 The Unknown PO

'We've got the PO!' chorus the Furbies.

'What for?' enquire the Brains.

'We don't have the specs yet.'



Scenario 83½ 'When the Brains Meet the Customer':

'We must have a WINDOWS 3.1 interface' states the customer (with a straight face).

'But WINDOWS 3.1 has been unsupported for over 130 years!'

'We take copy exact seriously' stated the customer seriously.

The Brains sat there open-mouthed.

(Stop mixing your metaphors, Ed.)

Even the Furbies were texting 'This lot are mad!'.


(That's enough on Furby-Brain Wars, Ed.)


6th April 2122


Notes & Queries

Why is 7 years usually quoted as the time an obsolete product will be supported?

The answer is clearly in the Bible: 7 day creation; 7 years of plenty; 7 years of famine; seven trumpets blown by 7 angels to presage 7 plagues of the Revelation.   Rev Hilda Gronk, 77 Seventh Heaven (deceased).

As well as being deceased, Ms Gronk is also greatly mistaken. The 7 years comes from it being the most likely outcome of rolling a pair of six-sided dice. Major General Blenkinsop of the Seventh Horse Brigade.

Major General Blenkinsop should be unhorsed for the seventh and final time! 7 years comes from the time left to retirement of the first product manager to make a complex product obsolete thus setting the precedent of 7 years firmly into industry 'folk-law' GAT, Director of DIRT, Globalbot assembly site 7.

GAT is sadly on the broad path to DESTRUCTION! 7 years comes from the 7 fatal exception errors embedded in WINDOWS 666 the release of the seventh abomination that has no name. Digital Devil 7777 of 7,777,777

Digetal devel b damed. 7 is the lif xpectincy of beech donkey (c 22 Feb) Donki7@beechrides.com


2nd April 2122

'Every time we think about this project the cost doubles!' yelled the VP.

'I think I can see where this is going' muttered GAT to Thinkbot, 'I'd keep you head down if I were you.'


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Re: Re: Stop Thinking now

All staff are to stop thinking about Project D00967-VI Robot Lederhosen with immediate effect.




'Aaaargh! I just can't stop . . . '


27th March 2122


Do's Don'ts
Get someone else to climb the ladder Climb the ladder
Lean the ladder at approximately 0o to the ground Lean the ladder up against a vertical surface
Only use the ladder for <3 seconds Have >0 people on a single ladder
Stay on the lowest rung until end of shift Ascend ladder on a motorised scooter
Use He balloons to aide ascent Climb the ladder feet first


21st March 2122


'I'm having a seriously bad day' moaned the Globalbot Asteroid Belt Service Director.

'Say what, way out! Customer grief?'

'Uh, customer? No, no, it's not a customer.'

'Hey what not customer? Cool man, who?'

'My wife doesn't like our new bathroom.'

'Woah! I've heard enough. Like sorry man, wife grief real grief.'

'I've planned a one-way trip to Ceres.'

'Good luck man sincerely. One way trip what no way man? Take care.'


17th March 2122


The VP lay flat out on the floor quivering with nervous energy. Suddenly he started babbling uncontrollably.

'BOTOP83 terminal faults . . . All Bots down! . . All customers . . . ESCALATION! . . . ESCALATION!   BOTOP83! BOTOP83! HYPERESCALATION!!  . . . BOT  DOWN! MUST GO BACK TO BOTOP82.5.SP8!'

'He's pareto-charting!' yelled the first aider, 'He needs 50ml of trivia, quickly!'

Someone passed over the syringe and the first aider gave the shot.

The VP visibly relaxed, 'Free milk in the factory . . . send someone on the corporate diversity training . . . fill in my VDU assessment . . . '

'He'll be okay now.'

GAT muttered, 'But how will we tell him that going back to BOTOP82.5.SP8 will almost certainly cause a world-wide electrical blackout and civilization collapse?'


14th March 2122


Customer: Rongend Stik R US

Globalbot Product: FlapBotTM

Serial:  H0NKalott83

Problem: Customer chase bot every day

Status: Active goose (wild) pursuit in progress


Situation NORMAL - de-escalate? Pls confirm.


12th March 2122


'We've been talking amongst ourselves' said the Field Furbies.

Uh oh thought GAT.

'We've decided to switch fizzy drinks from carbon dioxide to hydrogen.'

'Hydrogen? You can't do that! The Fizzbots will explode.'

'Can't is not in our vocabulary. And anyway we've already committed to the customer. Engineering need to come up with a clear plan to stop Fizzbots exploding. When can Engineering deliver?'

'Q2 2132'

'But that's ten years! We can't tell the customer that.'

'I thought 'can't' wasn't in your vocabulary?'

'But the customer is Korean!'

'Why not ask them to become Swedish? They seem a lot more sensible.'

'But we can't . . . er um'


5th March 2122

Update from the Production Planning Review.

'The Zimmerbot for Droidwright is the wrong spec.'

'But it's the right spec for Rongbot?'

'What? Droidwright wrong Rongbot right?'

'Yes it's wrong'

'No it's wrong'

'Oh yes it isn't'

'Oh no it is'

'Oh yes it is'

'Oh no it isn't'

'Yes it's right'

'No it's right'

'Let's take this off line.'

'Next is the Puntbot for Upenunda Tech - it's crated but will be diverted to the customer with no name'


'The customer with no name'

'But I thought they wanted a Anonymobot'

'And the Bodycount legs won't be in until end May.'

[Cont. Forever]


2nd March 2122

Key Business Concepts #83 - The Funnel to Factory Ratio


Case 1 - Funnel < Factory, FFR <1

In this case the business is shrinking rapidly. The Funnel is so puny it'll never catch more than the odd PO, and the Factory is so big the employee mean-free-path (MFP) is probably a mile.


Case 2 - Funnel = Factory, FFR=1


In this ideal state, the incoming POs in the Funnel perfectly match the Factory capacity. It is widely recognized as a theoretical state that cannot exist in reality.


Case 3 - Funnel > Factory, FFR>1


In this case the business is apparently growing explosively - but incoming POs in the mother of all Funnels dwarfs the Factory capacity and the entire workforce are squashed into a volume no larger than a sugar cube.


In the real world of the modern Robotic industry, businesses oscillate wildly between FFR<<1 and FFR>>1 and employees frequently experience sugar-cube implosions whilst simultaneously walking to the next desk. This is the famous Schrödinger's business paradox which is outside the scope of this article.


(this is total rubbish! Ed.)


25th February 2122


Appraisal season. GAT was feeling good about it.

'Hey Thinkbot, guess what I did to my roadmap objective.'

'I dunno. What?'

'I amended my main objective from:

Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 months


Deliver DIRT Roadmap Milestones to within 3 light years

and no one noticed.'

'So your top appraisal objectives are almost as distant as Proxima Centauri.'


(Note: DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology)


22nd February 2122


Dear Globalbot,

i am inrested in yore resnt ad 4 the posision of Thoroughbred. Plese find atached my aplication. Altho i am only a beech donki I belieeve i wood gro into the roll and git faster veri quikly by learning on the jog.

i ergelly luk 4ward to hering from U.


Donkey 83



14th February 2122


7th February 2122


5th February 2122



'The good news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

Looks of disbelief from the Globalbot Operations Team.

'The bad news is that the production plan is unchanged from last week.'

The looks of disbelief turned into looks of terror .


'I don't understand' said Thinkbot 'I thought they'd be happy.'

'Well,' replied GAT, 'at face value, chasing the same parts 2 weeks running is good news, but it almost certainly means the market is slow so they're probably chasing the wrong parts 2 weeks running and, in about a month, the Salesmen will all do "great catches" and land orders for something completely different and Operations will be expected t0 ship by end March to save the Q! revenue. Failure is not an option, fire in the hole, all hands to the pump, make my day punk, Luke Luke I am you father.'


29th January 2122

requisition flowchart V83.7.IV.Rev A.SP4.7 (pre-release).


'Hmm', mused GAT, 'I think this might explain how my requisition for G$1.03 (Globodollars) ended up with God for approval.'

Thinkbot thought for a  second, 'It might also explain why you'll wait an eternity for delivery.'


24th January 2122

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (5 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

 (10 years later)

Globalbot Quality Management System

Problem: Leopard has spots

Corrective action: Discuss options for changing spots

(Continued forever)


20th January 2122

Globalbot Implements New Portal
Robo-Reuters: Monday 20th January 2122

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it had implemented a new portal to Product Marketing. 'We're thrilled to open this exciting new 3-dimensional accessway,' enthused Marc Etyng VP Globalbot Marketing, 'Anyone entering will be transported in real time directly into the nerve-centre of Globalbot Marketing!' Bewildered industry experts commented 'We had no idea what Globalbot was talking about until an anonymous source from Engineering told us - They've just made a new b^%&* door from the corridor into their open plan office.'



15th January 2122


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Corporate Logo

It is mandatory that the correct corporate blue is used in the Globalbot logo.

Any questions please do hesitate to ask.



'Does the planet need to be the right way up?'

'And does it actually need to say Globalbot?'

'Why do we have to be trustworthy, dependable and strong?'


'Why can't we be optimistic and friendly?

'Or creatively peaceful?'

'In what way are Oreo cookies trustworthy, dependable and strong?'


8th January 2122


'I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of engineers suddenly cried out 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'

I fear something terrible has happened.'

Thus did GAT presage the howlers committed by Globalbot chasing Q421 revenue.








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