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31st December 2124

Tales from the West Somerset Winter Steam Gala 2124

GAT had had a marvelous day watching steam on a cold and misty winter's day.

Now he was alone in the sea fog at Blue Anchor station waiting for the final train.

In the stillness the chuff chuff chuff of the approaching train echoed weirdly through the fog.

 

Out of the mist appeared a man with four identical bespectacled girls in a linear regression none of whom could stand still. They passed by and dissolved into the gloom down the platform.

Then an older couple appeared, man and silent wife.

'Let's get on here and stay away those girls' the man growled, 'Up and down all the time.'

 

In a blast of steam and hissing the 2-8-0 SDJR appeared out of the mist and squealed to a halt.

GAT boarded behind the couple.

'WHAAAA--' cried the grumpy man as a petrified dog dived out from under a table into the carriage aisle.

'TRIPSY! get back under the table! Now! Silly dog!'

Everyone got seated and quietness descended.

'What's the signalman doing?' growled the man 'We should be moving by now.'

 

Just as the train started the door to the next carriage burst open and the four girls appeared and stated gyrating around the farend of the carriage.

The horrified look on Mr Grumpy's face was priceless; even silent wife developed a hint of smirk.

Then a young guard came pounding through the carriage.

Watch out for the d -   aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh too late.

'TRIPSY! get back under the table! Bad dog!'

 

The guard picked himself up, and scowling back at the dog owners, recommenced his man on a mission pace.

Watch out for the multi-size pack of gyrating gormless gi - - - crunch! Too late.

'What's that guard think ee's doin?' muttered the grumpy man.

His silent wife looked like she'd lost the will to live.

 

20th December 2124

 

ECO Title: Release Bench BOM (at last)

Reason: Someone said they wanted a Bench BOM (ages ago)

Class: 83 DIY

Parts Affected:

  677-7585 Leg, Left, Rear, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R6.67, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

  7999938 Leg, Left, Front, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R1.51, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

   677-8887 Leg, Right, Rear, 2"x2", Oak, Planed, Varnished, R17.09, QTY0, CE, WEMI W13

  5006502 Leg, Right, Front, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varished, R1.01, QTY2, CE, WEMI W13

  5489904 Cross Spar, Right, Lower, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R11, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

   701-8923 Cross Spar, Right, uvpper, 2"x2", Larch, Planed, Varnished, R16..91, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

   800-235Y Cross Spar . . .

 

'Stop! Stop!'

'What?'

'Why's it got two right front legs and no rear right leg.'

'Bugger!'

'How many kits did we get Materials to pre-order?'

'Er, um, well . . . '

'Head for the bunker, NOW! Take different routes, - I'll see you there!'

 

19th December 2124

 

From:  Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject:  Xmas Bipolar Disorder

 

Dear All,

To accommodate those that embrace the festive season alongside with those that would rather die in a ditch, and to achieve 'balance', Adminbot has been temporarily partitioned into discrete yuletide and humbug options. It has been noticed that office areas have split asunder along gender lines; this is incompatible with Globalbot's equality of opportunity policy. All employees are entitled to equal opportunity whether that be to sit n an office area adding millions of tons of CO2 to the atmosphere, or one that is full of people who think the world has gone mad. Please be aware that, to align all office areas,  the left hand Adminbot will audit the left hand office areas, and the right hand one the left. Please cooperate fully with the audit or go home, whichever come first. 

Regards,

Adminbot

 

17th December 2124

 

From:  Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject:  PPE Update - New glove types

Priority: Knock-out

 

Dear All,

Two new types of glove are now available from stores.

Both have been trialed and found to be effective at keeping various workplace pests at arms length.

Regards,

Adminbot

 

15th December 2124

GAT struggled to keep a lid on his frustration as painstakingly Helen cut what was left of her dinner into smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller pieces.

He'd gobbled his in no time at all, and now he had to wait . . .

I could be watching Stirling Albion vs Arbroath on BOTSport83! he thought (luckily not out loud).

Finally the dam burst

'I don't know why people spent millions on machines to split the atom when you can do it with a knife and fork!'

Oh dear, you could cut the tension with a cricket stump (to quote the great Murray Walker)

 

12th December 2124

 

'Bottled water?'

'Check!'

'Emergency rations?'

'Yep!'

'Head torch?'

'It's on your head.'

'Ok, I think we're all set. Commence Operation Server Reboot.'

 

 

The human finger wavered over the Y key.

The robots present started whimpering.

 

Y

 

4th December 2124

 

 

'Now you mention it, yes I can see the resemblance.'

'Well the sales configurator gets eaten by the PLM, and the PLM by the ERP, until a bigger ERP eats it.'

'I see .  . .'

 

30th November 2124

  

 

From:  Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject:  Critical Robots Off Line this weekend

Priority: Adminbot only sends HIGH priority emails

 

Dear All,

Please note that Critical Robots 'Call that a Drawing?' and 'Apostrophe Armageddon' will be offline this weekend.

Regards,

Adminbot

 

'Quick! lets get all those dodgy drawing's and report's onto the system's this weekend. its a golden opportunity's!'

 

27th November 2124

    WARNING: excel colour violation!

 

'Aaargh!' cried Mishun Krytikal as the production plan slipped into fractal chaos.

She called up the fault log.

 

Error 2858803330399 display colours required exceed available colours

Reduce colours <16581375

 

Mishun lowered her forehead onto her keyboard.  Her laptop started bleeping in protest.

It was impossible! How could Globalbot's plan possibly be represented with less than 16581375 colours?

She sat upright and stared at the screen, apparently her forehead had typed -

a hot wet teabag in my lap

What were the chances of that? Impossible!

She must be dreaming. A brief surge of hope swelled in her chest as she gulped in a lungful of air.

She could not remember when she'd stopped breathing, but it must have been a while given the droves of white spots whizzing around in front of her eyes. As oxygen reached her screaming cells the white spots dispersed and the fractal chaos that was supposed to map out the next six months came back into focus.

'Aaaaargh!'

And so forth for hours on end.

 

17th November 2124

 

From:  GAT

To: Doom

Subject:  Fw: Next Generation CiderBot zzzTM Costing

Priority: 20% Higher than High

 

Hello Doom,

Please calculate cost, inflate by 20%, and forward to Mark Eting.

Thanks,

GAT

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From:  Mark Eting

To: GAT

Subject:  Next Generation CiderBot zzzTM Costing

Priority: High

 

Hi GAT,

Please supply cost of Next Generation CiderBot zzzTM ASAP!!!!!!

Please note that we will need to reduce this cost by 20% within 3 months of the product launch. 

Thanks,

Mark

VP Global Globalbot Marketing

 

11th November 2124

TNET 17600131

Customer: Avinalarf Inc.

Globalbot Product: Multigas RouterBot

Serial:  HAHAHA00143

Problem: Customer RFQ for extra gas

Status: Needs to lighten up a bit

Update

Customer urgently want to add laughing gas to robot panel. Please provide quote ASAP. 

 

7th November 2124

      

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected a new Federation IT application rollout

Captain Kirk: What sort of application Mr Sulu?

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . .it's. .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's Pyschosoft Enemies!

Kirk: What? Firewalls up.

Spock: It's too late, the installation sub-routine has accessed the ship's computer

Chekov: I expect this was developed by the Russians Captain!

Kirk: Hang on, half of these enemies are from other TV shows.

 

 

29th October 2124

 

GAT stroked his chin as he pondered the mutant robot.

It was so obvious it had the wrong head.

GAT had seen it all before. Something that had been thrown together as a temporary bodge to test a possible solution to an escalated customer problem had, calamity of calamities, become locked into the product as 'standard'.

Not only that, it had acquired a whizzy product name  . . .

and was the subject of an IP submission the gist of which was the outrageous claim that using the wrong head was a novel world beater of an idea [+25 contingent claims].

 

Now the second phase was unfolding. The bit where Marketing and Sales ask how was it possible we'd released such a poorly engineered mutant . Cries of disbelief .  . . 'What, we did no reliability testing?' . . . 'What do you mean, we don't have any of our own in Engineering test area? We've sold fifty!'

 

'The answer's simple,' GAT mused, 'we sold fifty alpha prototypes before we'd written the MRS (Market Requirements Specification).'

But no one was listening, and if they had been they'd have declared him a grumpy old engineer.

'Which dwarf are you today?' they'd yell at him.

 

And what would become of the five rigorously tested Production prototypes (with the correct head) he'd loaded for deployment at beta sites?

 

 

Scrap? Ebay? Cannibalize? Retrofit the wrong head?

 

25th October 2124

 

'Can't accurately forecast quarterly revenue? It's easy! All you have to do is plug you numbers into this simple equation and solve it'

 

 

 

23rd October 2124

 

Suddenly, the discussion took a turn for the worse.

'We had better get our ducks in a row or the customer will lead us on a merry dance.'

The face of the lone Frenchman in the meeting took on a bewildered look.

'Yes, although they may get hot under the collar if they smell a rat. We have to avoid making ourselves a hostage to fortune.'

'Will their top dog be attending?'

'Not sure, if he is then he's barking mad and we'll need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, but if he isn't it might just be a storm in a teacup.'

'Revenons a nos moutons.'

 

 

16th October 2124

'How many risk assessments does Globalbot have for going up a ladder?'

'Thirty three.'

'Righty ho. And how many for coming down a ladder?'

'Er, um, none.'

 

10th October 2124

 

6th October 2124

TNET 17566201

Customer: SMASH ChinaBots Inc.

Globalbot Product: OmniPaddleBot (Aqua)

Serial:  DUK110001

Problem: Interduck Robot too Short and Soft

Status: Going Quackers

Update

Customer say ducking too soft need hard duck else duck too short also need longer hard ducking for pipes and not flexiduck which is not hard enough need longer rigid duck at least 2,360km painted in standard Chinese invisible duck enamel with duck bolts and labels. Customer say Glovalbot supply worst of breed duck and ducking quality no good please supply improved hard long interduck as soon as possible.

 

'Read DUCT for DUCK and I assume km should be mm, and it all makes, well, er, a bit more sense I guess.'

 

29th September 2124

 

'What is instant delivery?' sighed GAT.

'Huh?'

'It says I can have a free instant delivery trial with this order.'

'I dunno, why don't you try it?'

CLICK

A split second later there was a knock at the door.

 

'Your order sir'

'What? How did it do that?'

No sooner than he had signed for the package, a hubbub of voices erupted.

Peering past the delivery bot, GAT discerned a gaggle of robots milling around with all manner of bits and pieces.

As one they chanted:

'People who bought 'Mosquito - The Original Multi-Role Combat Aircraft' also bought [sound of hundreds of robots all saying something different]'

GAT peered at the bots, who were holding an extraordinary array of objects.

GAT slammed the door shut, 'It'll be delivering things before we've ordered them next!'

A split second later there was a knock at the door . . .

 

24th September 2124

'Weerrre appppppppprooooooocchingcching thherrrrrrrrrr eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnndd oooov therrrrrrrrrrr quooooorterrrrrrrrrrrrrr' slurred GAT as time slowed, planets split repeatedly into two, and quantum uncertainty overwhelmed the Globalbot Manufacturing Slot Plan.

 

The Highsalesberg Uncertainty Principle reared its head

The PO and Shipment Date cannot both be measured exactly . . .

(or even inexactly, in Globalbot's case, for example)

 . . .when in the same quarter, even in theory.

(or wild guesswork  . . . )

  

23th September 2124

 - - - - - - - - -   

REDACTED

 - - - - - - - - -  

All attempts to unredact have failed but it does appear someone was awarded a Muttley

 

18th September 2124

 

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Picard: Take us in as close as you dare Mr Data

Data: Aye aye captain. Sensors are still picking up nothing, sir

Picard: How is it possible it's completely deactivated? We've no weapon that could have done this. Can you see anything Mr La Forge?

La Forge: I'm picking up an echo of the last message the cube received, t's er, er, ah . . .

Picard: Come on man, spit it out!

La Forge: It's a notice to complete a self-assessment tax return

Data: The Borg have lost the will to assimilate and the cube is deactivated

Picard: [Deep sigh of regret] If only we'd known this at Wolf 369 it'd have saved a whole shebang of bother

 

  

 

12th September 2124

The Salesman seemed to fill GAT's office.

'Why'dya use pdf for your RCS?'

[RCS = Robot Configuration Summary]

'Er, well . . .' mumbled GAT

'I can't change it to say whatever the customer wants it to say!'

'Really? I see, like a telepathic user interface for example?'

'Yeah! Exactly! You goddit! I guess I could get me a pdf editor.''

'I, er, wouldn't bother if I were you.'

'Godammit! Why the hell not? It's not as if they're encrypted or anything.'

'Errr, hmmm . . . '

 

9th September 2124

 

From:  Miss Koad

To: All Globalbot

Subject:  Requisition Coding Anomalies

Priority: High

To All,

If you are one of the reprobates trying to requisition a packet of Digestives under 8900-4567 MISC.ITEMS.CONSUMMABLE on an OPEX  line, then desist with immediate effect!

If you persist YOU WILL BE CAUGHT. And be sure that we're watching the CAPEX lines so don't even think about it.

Even worse, a message to those seeking to add a teapot to the 83008383 ROBOT SET UP TOOLS (FIRST IN FACTORY) KIT - we're onto you!

You will not get away with it!

Coldest Regards,

Miss Koad

Junior Financial Enforcement Officer

 

'Well, the decoys are working so far.'

'Yes, they haven't noticed it yet.'

 

26th August 2124

Finally, it's over.

No more 9pm Sunday slot where the family gather for an emotional hour.

 

'What? They're using an oil lamp to communicate? Have they lost their mobiles?'

'Thinkbot! Be quiet or else!'

 

'Hooray for Esmeralda! She'll soon sort them out.'

'It's DEMELZA! If you can't keep quiet you'll have to watch it upstairs on your own.'

 

'I wouldn't fancy going to London in that contraption. The train's a much better idea.'

'LAST WARNING!'

 

'It's the Itchy and Scratchy Show!'

'GET OUT! NOW! GO ON!'

 

7th August 2124

 

Globalbot 6 Sigma Project #83 - 'Looking for the Scissors'

Problem: Spend 2.5 man hours total per shift looking for a pair of scissors

Annualized Cost: 2.5 x 3 x 260 x G50 = G97,500

Cost of a pair of scissors: G6.72

Analysis: You could buy up to 14,508 pairs of scissors annually and still realize a saving

Solution: Buy 5,000 pairs and cover every horizontal surface with scissors

Saving: G65k in year 1, subsequent years G97.5k.

See related project #838 - 'Looking for the Torque Wrench'

 

5th August 2124

From:  Ava Go <Ava.Go@lukipunt.com>

To: GAT

Subject:  Request Urgent call!

Priority: HYPERHIGH!

 

Hi GAT,

I've looked at Globalrot Technologies and concluded it has incredible synergy with LukiPunt, like man!!!

Based on what I see, I'd like to offer you a trail version of our unique design software LukiCADTM!

No charges of any kind, and up to 30 days of use supported by LukiPunt PO support engineers phoning you every 5 minutes - normally this would not be part of the trail but under the circumstances I feel certain it would grately increase the chances of Globalrot falling in lurve with LukiCAD.

LukiCAD is used by many global giants including Prosthetics-4-Pets, Lithuanian Jacuzzis, International Flower Pots Corp., BetBot365, & Sam's Skip Hire.

Bare in mind that LukiCAD has many modules so even if your main CAD is SolidBot, Pro-BotWorks, or AutoBot, you don't need to switch it out for LukiCAD!!!

You can use a LukiCAD module alongside to compliment your overall process. The trail will help figure out where it could fit!!!!

I'm around tomorrow from 9:30am - 4pm and, although extremely busy, could fit you in!! No sweat!!

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

Kindest Regards,

Ava Go

Head of Sales Strategy, LukiPunt Ltd

Desperation House, Walthamstow.

 

 

31st July 2124

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: 'Phasers locked onto target Captain!'

Kirk: 'Fire!'

[Special FX: sound of wayward phasers dissipating in vacuum]

Kirk: 'What the %^&$ was that supposed to be?'

Spock: 'I think our phasers need calibrating Captain.'

McCoy: 'They're worse than dead Jim.'

Kirk: 'Mr Chekhov, can we apply targeting compensation?'

Chekhov: 'It would need a fudge factor in illicit software code that even the Russians would blanch at, sir.'

Lieutenant Uhura: 'The Klingon vessel is hailing us Captain.'

Kirk: 'On screen.'

Kalis: 'Federation vessel! For the sake of Sto-vo-kor! What are you shooting at?'

Kirk: 'That was just a warning shot, Kalis!'

Kalis: 'Ha! You jest with me at your peril Captain! Have you detected a cloaked ship?'

Kirk: 'I, er, um . . . '

Kalis: 'The fabled vessel MV Barn Door perhaps?'

Kirk: 'Do your worst Kalis, our shields are operating at 100%.'

Kalis: 'We're not going to blast you Kirk, we're going to report you to the Borg ISO9000000 Inspectorate.'

Kirk: 'What? No! Act like like a Klingon Kalis! Shields down Mr Sulu, now! I beg you Kalis, destroy us!'

Kalis: 'Qapla Kirk, enjoy your audit, Kalis out.'

 

28th July 2124

 

 

21st July 2124

 

Globalbot Announces Implementation of Farce Recognition Software
Robo-Reuters: Friday 21st July 2124

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented Farce Recognition software at its Filton-based factory. 'We are delighted with this new capability,' commented Graham Cracker CEO, 'The system will flag up suspect behaviour and enable corrective action to be taken.' When pressed further, Cracker further defined a examples of 'suspect behaviour' as walking up and down the main corridor endlessly without actually going anywhere, multi-split email chains running at >100 notes/minute, and management crowd scenes. Corrective actions include complimentary cups of tea, cooked breakfast and in extreme cases group hugs. Industry experts were dumbfounded, one commenting 'the system will be overloaded the instant they turn it on.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me now I'm rushing down the corridor typing an email whilst being pursued by 3 managers. No I haven't risk assessed walking quickly whilst typing . . AAArgh!

 [Special FX: sound of engineer falling over Cleanbot]

 

16th July 2124

 This report was not brought to you by

 

11th July 2124

      

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected a number of anomalies.

Captain Kirk: What sort of anomalies Mr Sulu!

Sulu: They're  . . . er. . . they're . .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Sulu: Sir, they're events from future epsiodes.

Kirk: So, we will be funded for a second series.

Dr Spock: Captain, these future events indicate you will have numerous irrational amorous encounters with exotic alien females.

McCoy: In many of them you're dead Jim.

Kirk: Is there anything we can do to move more towards the future of exotic alien females?

McCoy: One of the exotic alien females is a slug-like creature oozing slime.

Kirk: Can't I be dead for that one?

Chekhov: Sir! There's no need to worry about future episodes, all the plots are written by the Russians.

 

7th July 2124

  

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Adminbot of Apps

Subject: Exciting New Globalbot Apps

 

Dearest,

I am pleased to inform that two new Globalbot Apps have been released - NonDrive and Hermit.

These are available to anyone but are particularly aimed at the miserable old gits amongst us (you know who you are).

NonDrive does exactly what it says and cannot be found anywhere at anytime on any linked device in the cloud.

Hermit is ideal for projects with dysfunctional teams of up to 1 member. Files are restricted to the user's local hard drive (C: > Hermit) with no backup whatsoever so if it all goes wrong you've had it with no one to blame but yourself.

Any questions please do hesitate to ask (i.e. you're on your own).

Regards,

Adminbot of Apps

No Gaps in Our Apps

 

3rd July 2124

 

30th June 2124

 

Great Tool Boards #83

 

Spotted by GAT at Deanston Distillery.

Classified as 'Below Abject Failure' by the Tool Board Society.

 

21st June 2124

GAT slumped back into his chair and sighed.

'Robot performance is excellent.'

'So you keep saying' replied GAT.

'Robot performance is excellent.'

In fact, that was all he'd got out of it all day.

'Robot performance is excellent - the words were burned into his brain.

'Robot performance is excellent.'

He'd reloaded the software, changed most of the control system but all it would do was say  ''Robot performance is excellent'.

'Robot performance is excellent.'

He'd even tried the nuclear option & shorted pin 7 to pin 11 . . .

'Robot performance is excellent.'

'You useless pile of junk!'

'Robot performance is excellent.'

 

16th June 2124

   

During a visit to Sheffield Art Gallery GAT viewed 'Man with a Skull'.

It is a Memento Mori, a reminder that we will all die one day.

But in the meantime we can argue about whether it should be hung horizontally or vertically.

This led to a discussion about what a contemporary version of a Memento Mori might look like: 

 

 

Returning to the hanging debate (artwork not criminals), GAT's late mother spent years embroidering a vase with lilies only to hang it upside down in her hallway.

 

 

12th June 2124

 

Much rejoicing as GAT discovered an episode of Deep Sleep Nine that he hadn't slept through before - 'The Silent Snore'

 

7th June 2124

'Looks like a total imagination failure'

'Try searching on bagpipes'

 

5th June 2124

 

30th May 2124

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Top Adminbot

Subject: IMPORTANT: Fishing Emails

 

Good Afternoon All,

A number of Globalbot employees have reported receiving fishing emails purporting to be from Graham Cracker.

If you receive any emails urging you to leave work and go fishing - DON'T RESPOND.

Report any instances of fishing, or similar outdoor pursuits such as bog snorkeling or mud wrestling, emails to the OutdoorPursuitsTeam@Globalbot.com.

If in doubt, go for a cooked breakfast n the canteen but please refrain from jokes about kippers.

Sincerely,

Topper,

Prime Adminbot

 

14th May 2124

      

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, a long range BVA scan has picked up an anomaly.

Captain Kirk: What sort of anomaly Mr Sulu!

Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . .it's. .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Sulu: Sir, it's a discontinuity in CAPEX depreciation rules.

Kirk: Finance! How long until they impact our spend profile Mr Sulu?

Sulu: Sir, they're being backdated . .  . to stardate 1.1.23

Dr Spock: Jim, sensors are already picking up an overspend in the anti-matter containment field.

Kirk: Can we afford to go to red alert?

Spock: No Jim, we've barely enough liquidity to manage a yellow alert.

Chekhov: Sir! I have some trusted contacts who might be able to help, good friends of the Russians

 

12th May 2124

 

 

TNET 17592124

Customer: C.R.Azee Phar EEst Corp

Globalbot Product: ChillerBot GQY002

Serial:  -273.15

Problem: Customer demand use Guiness

Status: Last orders

Update

Customer say BootCol unknown to customer and have hi cost and GWP (Global Warning Potential) compared with Guinness fluid which is available chilled at local bar at low cost so Customer demand firm technical reason Globalrot cannot accept Guinness in ChillerBot and customer say that Globalot will be worst supplier, worser than the worst worsest since worstness was a CRAzee quality metric.

And what happen if customer use Guiness without Globotol approve? What happen to waranti?

 

'Are they serious?'

'If it doesn't work they can always drink it.'

 

1st May 2124

 

GAT's attempt to purchase touch up paint after Helen's car reversed into a bush.

'Hello, I need some touch up paint'

Salesbot: Please advise paint code

'Er, I don't know . . .'

Salesbot: You must advise paint code

' . . . it's just black'

Salesbot: Please advise black paint code

'Look, just give me something black, there can't be many types of black'

Salesbot: There are hundreds of shades of black

'Just give me some black black'

Salesbot: There is no code for a shade called black black

'Well duh! Er,' GAT looked at the chart, 'I'll just have some, er, um, Lucky Black Cat Black'

Salesbot: Certainly sir, what make and model of car it is?

'It's a British Leyland Surprise Comeback!'

Salesbot: I am sorry sir, Lucky Black Cat Black is an invalid selection for a British Leyland Surprise Comeback

'Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, what car's it valid for?'

Salesbot: Lotus 94T

'Great! Fantastic! I have one of those as well. Can I buy the paint now?'

Salesbot: Of course sir

'Well hallelujah praise be to the algorithm.'

Salesbot: To prevent the illegal laundering of touch up paint across international borders, please state the registration number of your Lotus 94T 

'What?   Er . . .  .'

 

26th April 2124

To: Globalbot All

From: H&RR Adminbot

Subject: New Career Option in Horrogen

 

 

Dear All,

Due to popular demand please be aware of the new Career Aspiration option illustrated below:

 

 

Regards,

Human & Robotic Resources Adminbot

 

 

23rd April 2124

 

 

 

To: Globalbot All

From: H&S Adminbot

Subject: New PPE

Dear All,

May I remind all Globalbot employees that the new PPE rules now apply, and full PPE should be worn at all times.

There is a wide variety of two options to choose from so there should be something that suits everyone.

Regards,

H&S Adminbot

 

'^&*& me! Have you seen the managers' PPE options?'

 

'And the VPs!'

 

 

 

17th April 2124

 

Contract negotiations with an AI.

 

Globalbot: What voltage supply is preferred?

Re: University of Bognovia is unable to answer at this time.

 

Globalbot: Will the install have a false ceiling?

Re: University of Bognovia is unable to answer at this time.

 

'Hmm' mused GAT 'we could have some fun with this.'

 

Globalbot: What planet will the robot be installed on?

Re: University of Bognovia is unable to answer at this time.

 

'See! They don't even know what planet they're on.'

 

11th April 2124

 

Slight 'domestic' incident today when GAT 'noticed' Helen had had her haircut the evening before.

And he continued to dig, claiming Helen should be impressed at his incredible foresight.

Then he stupidly complained 'I suppose it'll be 45 Globos, as usual plus a tip?'

 

8th April 2124

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Missing Sigma

Dear All,

One of our six Sigmas has gone missing.

If you have taken it, or know of its whereabouts, please return it to the Quality Dept. ASAP.

Regards,

Senior Adminbot

 

Somewhere in the open plan, an engineer muttered 'Hmmm, I fear it may have suffered a fatal non-conformance.'

 

3rd April 2124

 

Globalbot Announces Implementation of crystalballogixTM
Robo-Reuters: Monday 3rd April 2124

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented crystalballogixTM, a state of the art CPQ (Configure, Price, Quote) system. 'We are delighted to be moving forward with this exciting new system,' said Steve Ales Global Sales VP, 'Crystalballogix foresees clearly that the sales forecast is hopelessly unstable whereas in the past we were effectively operating blind.' Industry analysts were baffled by the announcement, one commenting 'There's nothing in industry like a beautiful sales forecast being slain by an ugly CPQ system.' 

Safe Harbor Statement: CPQ is just the tip of the crystalballogixTM iceberg. The system is often run backwards (QPC) or in sequential combinations for a single sale (QPQPCQQP, PCPQPCQP, etc.) and there are add-ons such as Reconfigure (R), Swap Slot (S) and Irrational Customer (I) that ratchet up the possible permutations to be more than the number of stars in the observable universe. In summary, crystalballogixTM is a system perfectly able to create enough demand to keep everyone overloaded without ever landing a PO.

 

1st April 2124

Welcome to Q224!

 

 

26th March 2124

 

GAT is patent searching and tells me it's 'days of boredom interspersed with seconds of hysterics.'

 

 . . . . when lever [56] is lowered into orifice [24] every 580 seconds the single arm handling robot [710] is 100% utilized. In the case where the lever [56] is lowered into orifice [24] less than every 580 seconds the single arm handling robot utilization drops below 100% and it has time on its end effector and may be inclined to offer you its views on teaching LBGTQ at primary schools, a 100 years of BREXIT and, for really low utilization levels, 4004 BC creationism, or the latest evidence President Obama was a Vulcan, and god only knows what else it can dredge up from the great anorak in the sky. It is instructive to consider that dipstick [92] .  .  .

 

19th March 2124

After an hour and a half of total confusion a sudden unexpected silence fell on the Production Plan Meeting.

The plan projected on the wall had miraculously stabilized*.

GAT seized the moment 'Get out now! Before it changes again.'

 

This made a pleasant change as the plan usually won't stop morphing into unstable states and he yells 'Get out now! While you still have the use of your legs!' or 'I'll see you in the bunker!'

 

* It later transpired Pyschosoft 365 had frozen and the plan updates were piling up in a buffer somewhere eventually resulting in a Tsunami of amendments that wiped the entire Oribal ERP system clean off the network.

 

18th March 2124

'Hard' or 'soft' BREXIT?

A short guide by Thinkbot.

 

A hard BREXIT is harder than a hard-boiled egg.

A soft BREXIT is softer than a soft-boiled egg.

A perfectly-boiled egg is better than any form of BREXIT.

 

The Norway option is equivalent to a chocolate muffin with a raspberry on top.

 

A sticky BREXIT is stickier than Lyon's Golden Syrup (this is disputed).

 

A 'no BREXIT' will delight Angela.

 

17th March 2124

 

 

BREXIT - A Brief History of Politics in the UK Over the Past 105 Years

 By Thinkbot

 

Before BREXIT

(Remainers/Brexiteers) said that leaving (with/ without) (a good deal/ a bad deal/ any deal/ no deal) (or No BREXIT) would be the (best/worst) outcome and lead to unparalleled economic (boom/ bust) and (food shortages/ pet cannibalism/ street parties) throughout (the UK/ London/ Scotland/ Port Talbot/ French scallop beds).

 

After BREXIT

(Remainers/Brexiteers) say, in hindsight, that leaving (with/ without) (a deal/ a bad deal/ any deal/ no deal) was the (better/worse) than No BREXIT (all variants) and was directly responsible for the unparalleled economic (boom/ bust) and (food shortages/ pet cannibalism/ street parties) throughout (the UK/ London/ Scotland/ Port Talbot/ French scallop beds).

 

Hard Brexiteers continue to campaign to leave even though the UK (had left (with/ without) (a deal/ a bad deal/ no deal))

 

Remainers morphed instantaneously into Rejoiners campaigning for BRENTRY (with/ without) (a deal/ a bad deal/ no deal) (or No BRENTRY)

 

Cont. forever

 

10th March 2124

 

Globalbot Announces Implementation of Psychic Distribution Lists
Robo-Reuters: Wednesday 10th March 2124

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented the psychic distribution list module for it's Pyschosoft Outrage email system. 'We are excited to adopt this module which replaces the previous system that relied on people remembering to send emails to the right people' stated Globalbot CEO Graham Cracker, adding, 'If you are reading this then you have been carefully selected by the psychic email algorithm.' Industry analysts were unimpressed one commenting 'It's better known as the banana algorithm, as in carefully selected bananas,' then mysteriously adding, 'And we all know where the carelessly selected bananas end up.'  

Safe Harbor Statement: Avoid consuming bananas purchased from the Globalbot canteen.

 

4th March 2124

  

 

The hushed courtroom held its breath.

'GAT, you stand accused of eating your 2-year old grandson's chocolate money. How do you plead?'

'Guilty.'

Bedlam erupted. Shouts of 'Shame!', 'Appalling'.

GAT was pleading, 'But he forgot to take it with him after Christmas, and it was going past its use by date!'

'There is no punishment that fits such a heinous crime.'

'It didn't impact my CO2 footprint.'

'Objection your honour! The fact that the victim will be living under water before he gets his state pension has no bearing on this case.'

'Sustained.'

'Alright, alright, I'll buy him an Easter Egg!'

 

28th February 2124

 

 

24th February 2124

      

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range scanners have picked up shockingly non-descript vessel. It's coming in fast and heading directly for us, sir.

Captain Kirk: We need an identification Mr Sulu!

Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . .it's. .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Sulu: It's a Regulatory Compliance Inspection Frigate sir

Kirk: What! Lt Uhura hail it on all frequencies.

Lt Uhura: They are replying sir.

' ATTENTION FEDERATION SHIP! PLEASE BE ADVISED YOU HAVE JUST VIOLATED THE GALACTIC EMC DIRECTIVE.'

Mr Spock: Captain, we should have hailed them only on approved frequencies.

Kirk: %&*$! Shields up! Yellow alert.

Lt Uhura: Sir! They're hailing us on all approved frequencies.

'ATTENTION FEDERATION SHIP! PLEASE BE ADVISED YOUR SHIELDS DO NOT COMPLY WITH GALACTIC HARMONISED STANDARD GN60204-8;PART IX 2122.'

Kirk: Blast these interstellar meddlers!

[Special FX: Sound of ship's phasers firing]

                             

Kirk stared in horror at the expanding ball of fiery wreckage 'Er, I didn't mean . . .'

Checkov: Target successfully destroyed captain! You can always trust Russians in such matters sir.

Mr Spock: Mr Checkov, please avoid non-compliant split infinitives.

Kirk: Never mind about that, how will we boldly go and explain this to Star Fleet Command?

Lt Cmdr Data: Sir, historical records show that  due to Star Fleet budget cuts your phasers were never interlocked as required by GN13849-83: 2110. You can argue it was their fault.

KIrk: Who are you? Hey! You're from a Next Generation episode! Get off my ship and report back to your future bald-as-a-coot French Captain, er, um, Dicard, no, Pickaxe, er, um, whatever - tell him that we are in charge of our own plots! But hang on, before you go, is that how the tribunal turns out?

Lt Cmdr Data: I regret I cannot advise you due to the GN83830 Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) Directive.

[Special FX: Lt Cmdr Data transports back to 1987]

Checkov: I think that means 'yes' captain! Us Russians have way  of arranging such things.

 

19th February 2124

GlobalbotBet Announces Odds Boom Bust Booster
Robo-Reuters: Friday 18th February 2124

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced its latest odds offering for [enter quarter] which it expects to be the [biggest/ slowest/ funniest] period ever announced in [recent/ future/ prehistoric] history due to the [prevailing market conditions/ government numbskulls/ Lunexit]. 'We think it's 25/1 against being able to forecast Q2 to within 10% of target assuming an orderly end to Q1,' stated Graham Cracker, CEO, to the bewilderment of market analysts. Cracker continued, 'We must minimize the risks of getting the horse in front of the cart, especially with the Moon likely to make a hard exit from the solar system.' The markets reacted instantly by [soaring/ plummeting/ soaring & plummeting] pending further odds updates.

Safe Harbor Statement: 9/4 on

 

10th February 2124

 

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Missing StealthBot

 

Sent on behalf of Planning

 

A StealthBot seems to have gone missing.

If you have borrowed it or know of its whereabouts, please contact the Planning Adminbot

Regards,

P Adminbot

 

This led to all sorts of observations & advice from Engineering:

'Those stealthiness improvements we released last month must be working.'

'Has anyone checked it's not just engaged stealth mode due to a bug?'

'Yes but how? If no one can find it?'

'Someone will fall over it eventually.'

'Oh I doubt that. We can't see it but it can see us and keep out of the way.'

'It may at large in the factory for years, watching our every move.'

'Hang on, it's completed test according to the system. Tell everyone to watch out for a label moving about on its own in mid-air.'

 

6th February 2124

 

'Pyschosoft Azure is an innovative ever-expanding cloud state of the art service platform to enable your organization to meet your mission-critical business challenges. It's the total freedom to build manage and deploy killer applications on a breath-taking gargantuan pan-galactic hyper-network using your favourite tools and frames of sub-space. . .'

 

 . . . ever-expanding cloud . . . gargantuan pan-galactic . . . [GAT's head dropped]  . . .  favourite tools . . .

 

Whiiiiizump! GAT jerked his head up and blurted 'Azure is a word I prefer to associate with the colour of the sea in paradise!'

 

After an awkward silence, the presenter recovered his composure.

'Let's move on and look at GIT shall we?'

 

GIT? GAT wondered if this was a set-up for the rest of the attendees to scowl at him and do their own word association as in 'Miserable old . . . '

 

31st January 2124

After some unfortunate customer incidents a new front cover quotation template has been issued.

 

 

25th January 2124

 

20th January 2124

 

A frosty silence descended on the meeting as GAT entered the room. The attendees from Marketing all stiffened and there were a few sharp intakes of breath. Marc Etyng, VP of Marketing, reached for his phone and started messaging, a grim expression etched on his face. GAT put his half-drunk mug on tea on the table and prepared to run through the latest developments in DrainBot rodding subsystems with the customer Dyno-Blasters R Us. He wondered if his fly was unzipped, or maybe he'd splurged curry all over his nose? Whatever, the customer didn't seem phased and the discussion went well. GAT grabbed his mug and left the meeting.

 

The site Security Bots were waiting for him.

'GAT! You are under arrest on suspicion of drinking tea from a mug with an expired corporate logo while on official company business. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.'

 

 

To Be Continued . . .

 

13th January 2124

 

On-Line PEST help 'Now restart you PC and log back in your Application Suite'

'Nooooooo! Please no, I'll do anything  .  .  . '

'Before proceeding please log into and complete the mandatory on-line feedback'

'What? Which password is that?'

'If you need any further help log back into On-LIne PEST. Thank you for using On-Line PEST Control. Your LOGINs are important to us. Goodbye'

'No, come back! Help!'

 

9th January 2124

 

 

MANAGEMENT TRAINING

'Look down the list of management models and pick the one that best represents Globalbot' instructed the course trainer.

GAT scanned the list and one jumped out at him:

 

#83 The Formula 1 Management Model

Go round in approximate circles as fast as possible 70 or 80 times and stop exhausted, with all resources consumed, exactly where you started.

 

'A near perfect fit' murmured GAT.

 

7th January 2124

 

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

THINKBLOG  - 2123

 

THINKBLOG  - 2122

 

THINKBLOG  - 2121

 

THINKBLOG  - 2120

 

THINKBLOG  - April to December 2119

 

THINKBLOG  - July 2118 - March 2119

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2118

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Mar 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

ORIGINAL INDEX