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23:00 London GMT 31st December 2125

105 years on from Brexit there are still a handful of lorries waiting at Dover to make the crossing to Calais. These forgotten shipments have long been covered by insurance and the human drivers long since replaced by robots. Take TWDL THB 83 which relieved human driver Larmon Litzof in 2038, 'Waiting has become my whole existence' it says 'I pass the time in various ways.'

'Such as?' I ask.

'Well, I did an on-line degree in philosophy, and took up dancing to keep my servos supple.'

'Er, um, isn't that a rather peculiar combination?' 

'I don't think so, what's the philosophical difference between a robot waiting or dancing whilst trapped in Dover?  I would postulate none.  Locke, Hume and Berkeley all state the mind is a blank slate awaiting sensory perceptions, Berkeley believed directly from god, but the robot mind is written, more Hobbes or Spinoza.'

'I see .  . . '

'No you don't, coincidentally 105 years ago this was posted:'


'Look carefully, the robots are forced to dance amidst crash barriers and debris splinter screens. They're not dancing, they're being tortured by an evil Baroque code writer.'


'Who knows how many robot prototypes perished?' 

'Well, seen from that perspective . . .'

'You'll sign my export certificate?   .  . .  . .  . No I thought not.'

'I thought if it isn't Baroque then don't fix it!'


Dover Harbour Masters' report 23:03 31-Dec-2125. Man in water. Rescued. Claimed a dancing Robot driver pushed him in to 'get some much-needed sensory input from the perspective of eternity.' Issued dry clothes and cup of tea. Incident closed.


29th December 2125






27th December 2125

Watch out!

Be VERY afraid!

 The NAMED STORM is out to GET YOU!

'It's a return to %^&*ing paganism!' ranted an old codger from Somerset, 'Oooo! Storm Bellyache is a malevolent scheming entity! It's for %^&*ing Muppets who don't their arses from their millibars! 960mbar? Yes that's a $%%^ storm!'

'Maximilian? Trixiebell? Marmaduke? Boomquifer? Zebedee? Hashtag? Where will it all end?'

Mr Codger is 183 and drinks 9 pints of cider a day.


25th December 2125




24th December 2125

One of GAT's whisky buddies having trouble with the 'LET it SNOW' wrapping paper.


22nd December 2125

Forbidden Love #83



18th December 2125


12th December 2125

Thinking about innovation and product development reminded me of chapter 23 of Thinkbot.

Excerpt below.


To set the scene, for various reasons GAT had thrown tea over himself and had donned a white lab coat,

and DIRT = Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology.



10th December 2125


7th December 2125

Globalbot Announces 12 Month Budget Cycle
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 6th December 2125

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has made life much easier/harder (delete as applicable) for its budget holders by doubling the budget cycle from 6 to 12 month. 'We are delighted with this initiative' commented Percy Veranz VP of Long Term Planning, continuing 'Budget holders will no longer have to bother with all those tiresome half-year adjustments.'  Industry insiders were dumbfounded, 'But, but, the 6 month cycle is already a train crash!' spluttered one, 'In 12 months the budget may have deviated beyond the account code light cone resulting in the financial universe splitting into two parallel BVAs, both wildly in error.'  An anonymous Globalbot source added 'The last budget I submitted was a wreck before it had even made it out of the corporate approval loop! We'll be all at sea in a sieve with the Jumblies, a bridge too far across the Rubicon.'

Safe Harbor Statement: This announcement contains backward-looking forward statements that claim to foresee the future based on a suspect grasp of the past.


5th December 2125






  British Cod caught in British waters by French boats

  French scallops caught in French waters by British boats


26th November 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um. .  .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . it's the USS Macallan

Chekov: Captain, Sensors are detecting large amounts of copper.

Uhura: We're being hailed captain

Kirk: on screen



Spock: Fascinating. They appear to be copper-based life forms that consume vast quantities of fermented barley mush and excrete pure alcohol.

Swish swish! Scotty arrives on the bridge: Aye Mr Spock! 15 millyun liters per yeer! 12 waash stills an 24 spirit stills, it's un incred'bel peese 'o enginring!

Chekov: Captain Sir! The USS Macallan has infiltrated the Enterprise's atmosphere with unknown alien vapours.

Scotty, eyes shut breathing deeply in through his nose:  Ah! Luscious, such a complex nose, butt'ry sherry an Christmas cake. I remember the 12 light-year old sherry oak as rich an firm onyer palate, elegant oak an Jaffa oranges with a long malty finish an hint o' smoky spice. Permission to tour th' USS Macallan sir an examine their vacuum dunnages?

Chekov: in Russia we do not tolerate such decadence. Permission to lock on vodka torpedoes sir? 

Uhura: The Macallan is offering us a special deal on an 18 year old triple cask.

Kirk: Stand down vodka torpedoes, Happy Hour Alert! Due to the specific gravity (46% ABV)  of the situation I'll beam aboard the Macallan myself. Commander Scott and Dr McCoy with me.

McCoy: You're dead right Jim! You need the real McCoy on this trip.


22nd November 2125



Case B0GU5-WH15KY

Malt Teasers v GAT

Day 83

Presiding: The Honourable Dame Glenda Garioch ABV


Sir Drammy McDramface QC (Prosecution): In summary, m'Lud, it remains our view that the defendant deliberately and malevolently, with malice aforethought, on numerous occasions, sought to infiltrate this so-called 'Chinese whisky', exhibit A, 

into the tasting sessions of the otherwise benign and eclectic group of harmless, albeit grumpy, ageing males known collectively as 'The Malt Teasers'. Exhibit B illustrates the subterfuge by which this infiltration took place.



Indeed, there is much evidence to further accuse the said defendant singled out innocent new members of 'The Malt Teasers' and falsely implied full acceptance within the group could not be assumed until the new member had tasted the so-called Chinese Whisky, I refer once again to exhibit A. A scandalous and entirely false rite of passage - '


Sir Pete D. Barly QC (Defence): Objection your honour! Conjecture! Although my client accepts that he freely offered his unique Chinese Whisky to club members without charge, he did not apply any such pressure to new members, and that at all times obeyed the instructions of the self-styled unelected leader of The Malt Teasers, one Dr Argon, to 'remove it' immediately. Over a period of ten years encompassing some 50 or so tasting sessions only 100cc of the 500cc bottle was consumed and, given that GAT was also using the Chinese Whisky to light the BBQ, claims that any at all was consumed at the Malt Teasers tasting sessions is doubtful in the extreme. Moreover, careful examination of exhibit B reveals the presence of a half-bottle of so-called 'Malt Teaser's Blend' aka 'GlenBelch' or 'KilCovid' - an uncontrolled home made concoction composed of the dregs of single malts mixed in an irresponsible and wanton manner without any regard to the damage that could be done to member's noses, palates or microbiomes.


[Case Continues]


Case Notes:  Regular readers may recall this is the second trip into the Courts for the Malt Teasers.  In a previous case accusations of misogyny were made when debating admitting female members to Malt Teasers. A member, whose identity has never been determined, allegedly blurted out 'It'll be dawgs next!' The case was dismissed.


16th November 2125

MBA Final Paper Essay: Compare and contrast the similarities of, and differences between, the standard models of Particle Physics and Enterprise Resource Planning (ERP).  [83,000 words]


Well, where to begin? I suppose one could describe the standard model of particle physics as 'God's ERP'. There the resemblance ends. God's ERP underpins the entirety of the physical universe whereas human-derived ERP are best filed under 'Pigs Breakfast'. Both produce gormenghasts of inter-dependent complex objects and obscure processes but whereas God's ERP has run seamlessly for 13.7 billion years and has survived every experimental test thrown at it, the human generated variants $%#*-up for a pastime. What? A delivery against no PO? Works orders appearing randomly? The mythical 'shortage-free kit'? A store room filled with turnless inventory. And the arrogant gods of Engineering in their bl##dy ivory bunkers trying to short circuit everything and confound form fit and function rules. Sales selling imaginary products. Production Planning painting by numbers (hang on, I thought you said 8 was blue and 3 was red), and Finance staggering from variance to variance under the auditing rod of  a cruel Miss Kodes.  Business Intelligence! Don't make me laugh! Mind you, God was definitely having a laugh after humanity coughed up $13.25 billion to find the Higgs Bosun [sic] using the Large Budget Hadron Collider. 

[82,842 words left]


14th November 2125



There was an air of jubilation in the Marketing office.

'We got the PO for the W-Drillbots from Concrete-R-Us!'

GAT was non-plussed 'I didn't know they had a carpentry product line.'

'Er, they don't, they'll be used for drilling concrete.'

GAT looked bewildered 'But W-Drillbots are wood drills! They won't make a dent in concrete before the bit snaps off or the drive burns out.'

'Eh? What did you say? Ha ha, very funny. I'm sure you would have told us that by now.'

'I did. 3 years ago. The W-Drillbot won't work on concrete.'

'Yes, yes, that was 3 years ago but we now know the W-Drillbot is perfect for concrete.'

'No, the W-Drillbot won't work on concrete.'

'Thanks! This Po is a great win for Globalbot!'

'Unbelievable' muttered GAT.

'Yes, we agree 100%! Our competitors said the same thing.'


12th November 2125



Engineering View


Corporate View


4th November 2125


Two words

First word

GAT started miming, as if blowing into something


GAT shook his head

'Trombone! French horn! Tuba!'

GAT scowled and waved his arms in the air in frustration

'Er . . . windmill?'

 GAT tugged at his ear.

'Sounds like! Uphill! Hornbill!'

GAT shook his head wildly and started leaping around with his hands under his armpits, bandy legs and puckered mouth.


GAT gave a withering look


Hope spread across GAT's face like sunshine on a rainy day

'Donkey! Turkey!'

NO NO screamed GAT's body language and more leaping around


GAT made a 'more' gesture.

'Er, gorilla? Orangutan?'

GAT expressed extreme exasperation


GAT gave thumbs up

'Sounds like baboon .  .  . festoon? Bassoon! Raccoon! Lagoon!'


Time is up

The answer was 'Balloon Debate' - see Section LXXXIII.iv.a of the Training Manual. Balloon Debates are the preferred Globalbot method of assigning relative priority to any activity, project or task.


'I think this may be a factor in why we never know quite what we're supposed to be doing' muttered GAT to Thinkbot.


31st October 2125


'The names Bot, James Bot'

Agent 00111


29th October 2125



'How's the ERP planning modeling coming along?'

'Er . . . um .  . .'

'Ah, looks like it needs a bit of work.'


21st October 2125



18th October 2125

Getting interviewed on  - background rules.


15th October 2125


Globalbot Personality Profiling

 'Look at the photo and tell me the first words that come into your head.'

GAT:  'Ship, sinking . .  .'

Mark Etyng: 'Ship, surfacing . .  .'


Analysis from the Corporate Psychobot

Comparing the above case with the classic glass-half-full-half-empty case is instructive.  Whereas the glass-half-full-half-empty case is a true measure of the optimist-pessimist personality split founded on the unassailable fact that the glass is at 50% capacity, the ability of the optimist to stretch to the ship-surfacing conclusion founded on the unassailable fact that the ship is 100% sinking is a truly striking illustration of the Marketing mindset. Note the distinction from the Sales mindset that sees the glass-half-full-half-empty case as the top half being full therefore the lower half must be present resulting in a glass full delusion and consequent ship-blindness. The downside of the 100% belief in the sinking ship case causes the engineering mindset towards the conclusion that all ships will sink given enough time, and it's a wonder it ever floated in the first place, after all the Alpha and Beta versions were 6 months late and went down the slipway straight to the sea bed missing out the flotation stage altogether (the self-scuttle option was ticked in the Alpha configuration, but the subsequent Beta fiasco remains a mystery).

(That's quite enough analysis, Ed.)


12th October 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um. .  .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . it's a Star Fleet cargo auxiliary, captain, the USS Bakorda.

Lt Uhura: It's broadcasting a repeating message sir.

Kirk: Let's hear it.

Urgent FCO11158838. Add Critical Spares - Constitution Class

Kirk: What class are we? Is that us?

Spock (stunned):  Er, yes Captain, the Enterprise  indeed a Constitution Class.

Kirk: Well, I never knew that! [BEEP] Mr Scott?

Scotty:  Aye, that weyar capin. Twa yers int a five yar mission an oor critcal spars tune up alast'


7th October 2125

In Star Trek Discovery the Galactic Emperor ends up in hand-to-hand combat with the usurper:


This is just so like the real world

I mean who could forget JFK chopping off Khrushchev's leg with his bare hand?



Or . .  . .




6th October 2125


2nd October 2125



26th September 2125


'But why have I got to wear a mask? I'm a robot!'


'Hang on, why have we got to split up into groups of no more than six?'


'We ARE 2.000 0.005m apart!' 


Revenge is a dish best served cold


'No sir, we only close at 10pm for humans.'


23rd September 2125


Thinkbot shook GAT 'zzzz . . . WHAAAAZAT! AAAARH  . . . . what are you doing! I was awake!'

But Thinkbot wasn't listening, he was busy keeping the other Engineers awake.

Or rather waking them up again ASAP to stop them entering REM and dreaming.


A mind-blowing BOM problem - separate out and duplicate a complete live Globalbot product line with mega-Globos of open Reqs (should that not be wrecks? Ed.), stock and WIP and run in parallel with the existing one without changing any part numbers or changing all the part numbers or some six months later but keeping the same assemblies and not replicating every block interconnect and, heaven help us, rewriting the manuals in a parallel part number universe.

We need an innovative solution!

Think out of the box!

Pick the low hanging part numbers!

They'd considered a number of hapless solutions:

Option 1 - Nightmare

Option 2 - Nightmare

Option 3 - Nightmare


And concluded it was simply way too risky to go to sleep.

'Ah Thinkbot! You always fancied the night shift . . . . got just the job for you. Is your battery fully charged?'


21st September 2125




Quick! Deploy the scream SupressorBot!


16th September 2125


Globalbot's deep dive into its ERP data in preparation for transition to   has reached the Mesolithic.

'What unit does that arrowhead drawing use?'

'The thumb, so this is a 1 thumb arrowhead.'

'Right! How far back did you say we had to go?'

'We really need to get back as far as Homo Erectus if we can.'

'But that's a million years ago!'

'But it was after dinosaurs, right?'


12th September 2125


Preparations for the Oribal ZAP singularity are gaining some momentum.

One mission, should anyone choose to accept it, is to hunt down and close incomplete ECOs (Engineering Change Order).

'They don't take much hunting down, there's hundreds of them!' observed GAT, 'Look at this one, it's been in progress 196 years''



6th September 2125


Basil:  'Not a titter, they were all on mute. I'm telling you Mr Derek, comedy by ZOOM is no BOOM BOOM!'

Mr Derek:

Basil: Hello Mr Derek, are you still there? Why are you in black and white?

Mr Derek:

Basil: You're on mute, Mr Derek!'

Mr Derek: ' - anything worse than playing alongside a glove puppet, it's playing alongside a glove puppet to a muted audience on Zoom! Right, how do I unmute myself?'

Mr Brush has left the conference call.


2nd September 2125


15 robot development projects &  only 10 engineers.

'Why haven't we got enough engineers?!' demanded Marketing.

 'Why have we got so many marketeers?' replied Engineering.

Just another day at Globalbot Corp.


31st August 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um. .  .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . it's a unknown type of confederation starship sir.

Kirk: What an abomination! And what's it doing out here?

Dr Spock:  I think Star Fleet must have implemented the new starship build configurator, captain.

Uhura: They're hailing us captain

Kirk: On screen

'Greetings Kirk, captain Vic Tymm of the USS Bomera on shake down trails.

Kirk: How's it going captain? The Bomera looks like . . er . . a unique vessel

'Well, we're having a bit of bother steering. Any chance of a tow back to the star base?


26th August 2125

Copy exact meeting - Minutes

Present:  WH, KS, BC, GAT, CD, LN, FM, CE

cc: Adminbot 83

14 July 2125

The meeting agreed that the minutes of the previous meeting on 2 July 2125 were copy exact except for the date. Proposed BC, seconded LN. all in favour. The problem of the date changing remains outstanding.  KS stated that no solution to this problem has been found. The date moves forward a day each day and no way has been found to reverse this.


Copy exact meeting - Minutes

Present:  WH, KS, BC, GAT, CD, LN, FM, CE

cc: Adminbot 83

27 July 2125

The meeting agreed that the minutes of the previous meeting on 14 July 2125 were copy exact except for the date. Proposed BC, seconded LN. all in favour. The problem of the date changing remains outstanding.  KS stated that no solution to this problem has been found. The date moves forward a day each day and no way has been found to reverse this.


Copy exact meeting - Minutes

Present:  WH, KS, BC, GAT, CD, LN, FM, CE

cc: Adminbot 83

11 Aug 2125

The meeting agreed that the minutes of the previous meeting on 27 July 2125 were copy exact except for the date. Proposed BC, seconded LN. all in favour. The problem of the date changing remains outstanding.  KS stated that no solution to this problem has been found. The date moves forward a day each day and no way has been found to reverse this.


Copy exact meeting - Minutes

Present:  WH, KS, BC, GAT, CD, LN, FM, CE

cc: Adminbot 83

26 Aug 2125

The meeting agreed that the minutes of the previous meeting on 11 August 2125 were copy exact except for the date. Proposed BC, seconded LN. all in favour. The problem of the date changing remains outstanding.  KS stated that no solution to this problem has been found. The date moves forward a day each day and no way has been found to reverse this.


Extraordinary agenda item

! The meeting was informed by Adminbot 83 that since the last meeting GAT had shaved his head with clippers and made a right mess of it. It was agreed that this was a clear violation of the copy exact principle and that, date problems notwithstanding, it would not be possible to proceed with the copy exact project until GAT's hair grew back. GAT offered to wear a wig but the offer was declined 0 in favour 7 against, 1 abstention.


21st August 2125



17th August 2125


From: noreply@[redacted].who

To:  wetpants@globabot.panic

cc: nobody else anywhere

17 August 2125

Subject: Terms & Conditions

  1. No one will know who we are

  2. We will know who you are

  3. This email will wipe your hard drive on exit

  4. the name [redacted] will not appear in any Globalbot document, BOM or IT system

  5. [redacted] will deal with one person at Globalbot who shall be locked in solitary confinement with a device not connected to any network

  6. Once the contract is complete, or is  cancelled, the person will not leave solitary confinement until they have eaten the device

  7. when the product is ready, leave a note out in an empty milk bottle and evacuate the site and [redacted] will arrange collection

  8. etc. for 830 pages

'Oh b$%^&r, not this lot again!'

'Does anyone know who they are?'

'Yes of course, they deliver our milk.'


'No of course not you Muppet! Are you always this credulous?'

'It's just so anonymous'

'AAAaaaagh! You idiot . .  . .'



15th August 2125


GAT is trying to close a useless on-line bank account, which of course one cannot do on-line.

Please visit your local branch

To find your nearest Rantanger branch, use our branch finder _______________

GAT typed in his postcode and gawped at the screen.

'They're not making this easy then.'


13th August 2125


29th July 2125


'When will the new software be ready?' asked Mark Eting.

'2127' replied Globalbot software manager Git Scrum.

The VP of Marketing sighed as he glanced at his watch, 'Do you think you could get it done by 2100?'

Git's mouth dropped open in incredulity, 'No, not 27 minutes past 9 today, the year 2127.'

Mark deployed his negotiating knowhow, 'Ok, how about 9:15? Er . . 2115.'

Git was struggling to articulate.

'Great, that's settled then. I'll let the Account Manager know.'

'But the regression test alone will take 6-9 months.'

'It'll have to follow on . .  . ' the Doppler effect deepening the tone as the VP accelerated off to his next WORK SMART appointment.


27th July 2125

From: Compliance Adminbot

To: Site All

27 July 2125

Subject: Comic Assessments (CA)


Dear All,

This is to inform you that with immediate effect all activities on site should be assessed for comic impact (CI).

I don't believe I need to emphasize to you the impact comic events have on our business.

Please use the matrix below to complete these assessments ASAP.

CA will be stored on the Compliance DMS alongside RA and COSHH (when we get the DMS sorted (this is not intended as a comic comment))

Yours seriously,



22nd July 2125

TNET 83838838

Customer: Avinalarf Inc.

Globalbot Product: Mk83 PrintBot

Serial:  HZZ08ZiPPY

Problem: Customer order urgent nozzle but tram wheels delivered

Status:  Asian country down


Customer apoplectic with rage!


Open the drawing up . . . let's have a look .  . .



Hmm, that's ok.

What did our quote say?


Ah . .  . click



19th July 2125


15th July 2125

Stephen Ales is inviting to a Zoom Meeting

Subject: Globalbot response to Borg purchase specifications


Star Date: 8308.3


'Remember! We must not concede on any of the key items!' Stephen reminded the team as he clicked on .  .. . .



'Hi guys! Great to see you! Welcome to our spec review call!'

15 minutes later . .  .


12th July 2125

Great Management Fads #83

Following on from the world-beating MBWA (Management By Wondering Aloud) and FCOLGO (For Crying Out Loud Get Organised) Globalbot Admin is excited to introduce .

is a Management By Colouring Things In system that is open to all ages and applicable to legacy bits of paper, oil palettes right through to state of the art spreadsheets.




1.  What do I do if I'm colour blind?

2.  What happens if there's no orange highlighter pens in the stationery cupboard?

3.  Can I enter the DrainBot project plan for the Turner Prize?

4.  Is there a colouring book to practice on?


Next week:  Introduction to ERP Systems - 500 Shades of Grey


7th July 2125

Copy exact training


Exit Test

Q1: Are all the robots below copy exact?


Q2: What's the difference between a green and a black robot? If the robot was a Helpbot for a blind person, would they be copy exact?


Q3: By extension, if the robots had non-identical parts in the 4th dimension which a 3- dimensional entity could not detect, does that invalidate copy exact?


Q4: Does copy exact require parts to be stoichiometric and have the same number of atoms? 


Q5: Does copy exact mean identical or exactly the same?


Q6: If your test score is not copy exact 100% then you must retake the test using non-copy exact answers


6th July 2125

Have you seen the new air bridge?


30th June 2125


25th June 2125

GAT was all set for his monthly team meeting. His PABot by his side, ready to project his slides and minute the meeting.

There were some critical items on the agenda to resolve.

What? No, not now! QUIT!

He shut his eyes and tried to calm his nerves and get his heart rate down, opening them just in time to see:

Aarrgh. No! Stop!


Twenty minutes in, at a crucial point, the screen went blank and . .  . .

Oh for f&*ks sake WAKE UP!

10 minutes later

Then  . . .

Followed by:

An engineer helpfully plugged it in.

Seconds later he wished he hadn't.

Meeting ended chaotically after 39 minutes


17th June 2125


Please will the owner of white car registration YEW83TRNK please be so kind as to park elsewhere tomorrow so that the hortibot can trim the tree.

Thank you for your cooperation,



16th June 2125



The all-day training course had barely been going 10 minutes when a ruckus broke out among the Marketing group attendees.

The trainer meandered towards them 'What seems to be the problem?'

'This is unacceptable! Failure is not an option!'

 GAT buried his head in his hands. It looked like it was going to be a long day.

'I don't understand' said the bewildered trainer 'This is a course about understanding and controlling the impact failure has in complex systems.'

'HERESY!' yelled Mark Eting, VP of Global Product Presence, placing his hands over his ears.  His acolytes followed his lead and started chanting in unison 'Failure is not an option.  Failure is not an option. Failure is not an option. Failure is not an option.  . .  .. '

As one they rose to their feet and moved rhythmically towards the meeting room door.

'But, but, .  .  .' spluttered the goggle-eyed trainer.

'Let them go' GAT hissed at him 'they're harmless.'

Then, in one of the most marvelous moments of GAT's career, the door burst open and a CaterBot came hurtling in and rammed the tea trolley it was pushing straight into the groin of the VP of Global Product Presence 'Failure is - OOORFF!'


It later transpired that the forward facing collision sensor had FAILED in an unforeseen MODE with the EFFECT of pole-axing a VP. After a brief ANALYSIS GAT awarded the responsible design engineer a Muttley.

The smile was soon wiped from his face after a 5 hours mass form-flling visit from the H&S Droid Swarm


13th June 2125


9th June 2125


'When did Marketing want that response by?'

'6 o'clock today'

'Right, it's ten now, so 8 hours. How long did the previous one take?'

'6 weeks'

'Right! Ah, I see, er, um . . .'



'I think failure is an option.'

'A dead cert I'd say. Let's go and get some toast. Best not to rush things.'



6th June 2125


30th May 2125


28th May 2125



Have mercy on us Oh Relentless Sun.

Preserve us from those that preach it as 'lovely' or 'glorious',

Give unto us our daily cloud, even if it is a puny wisp, and may the contrails multiply,

Bringeth us some precipitation that it might be cold and wet,

That the miserable human reptiles may be placated,

For ever and ever until it floods again,




          Britain HOW IT WAS                                 Britain NOW


26th May 2125


23rd May 2125

Globalbot Managerial Talent Matrix (GMTM)

Please place your manager accordingly


16th May 2125


Thinkbot recommended ugly spots where you don't need to be a lert:

Thinkbot challenge - Go to ugly spot & find someone you can stay 2m away from.


8th May 2125


3rd May 2125


Percy Knell, VP of HR, was in a bad mood. He'd been reviewing training needs identified by Globalbot employees for hours and he'd had enough. So he was less than amused to come across GAT's request for 'Advanced Circus Skills.'

Percy reached for the 'reject request' button.

I mean what relevance did slapstick comedy, multi-object juggling and working with large wild beasts have to Globalbot?

Percy's hand hesitated and started wavering . . . .



2nd May 2125

TV Listings




In the continued absence of live football, join Gary Goalhanger, Alan Woodman and Ian Rong for Debate of the Day #83

The 10 Greatest Canine Moments in Football

Tonight at 10:15pm after the news.

Next Week: The 10 Greatest Shorts-Off Moments in Football


27th April 2125


22nd April 2125


Captain's log, stardate 8383.38. the Enterprise remains under the working from home directive from Star Fleet Command.


Scene:  The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Dr McCoy: It's just not the same Jim.

Kirk:  Turn your video on doctor!

McCoy: Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor not an IT technician.

Kirk:  Video on, that's an order doctor.

McCoy:  Not until you find a decent seat for my monitor.

Kirk: (muttering) remind me to relocate the good doctor back to sick bay next time there's anyone on board.

Spock:  Gladly Captain


18th April 2125

Let's meet our next contestant. And your names is?


And what's your occupation?

Director of robot engineering

And your chosen specialist subject is?

Answering daft questions about robot engineering

Your two minutes starts now. What happens if a 400V supply is applied to a 200V robot?

It'll blow up

Correct. If an axillary equipment cabinet is placed 50m away from the robot, what length cables are required to connect it up?


Correct. If a robot contains a rotational device with enough kinetic energy to lift one tonne 500m vertically, how would you describe it?

Downright dangerous.

Correct. What type of socket does a DF72.8 plug mate to?

A DF72.8.

Correct. What information is needed to identify a component?

The part number

Correct. If all else fails, what should you do?

Look in the manual

Correct. In the Greek pantheon which god looks after the robotics industry?

Thalia, god of comedy

Correct. How does Babel Fish translate the phrase 'the robot is back in production'?

The back of the robot is in production

Correct. In the robotic industry map of the world, where does the Far East start?


Correct. Who is 'the customer that cannot be named?


Correct. What's the earliest phase of a new product that can be shipped to a customer?

The drawings



At the end of the specialist round you have scored 15 points.

How's that 15?


17th April 2125

Working from home barefoot.



Day 1                                Day 83


11th April 2125



World Health Organisation advice to the public

Government guidelines

Mind-numbing videos of model trains

NHS guidelines

Public Health Advice


10th April 2125


7th April 2125


'Hell's Bells! Even the DALEKs are toeing the line.'


5th April 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um. .  .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . it's a giant computer monitor captain.

Kirk: What? On screen!



Dr Spock: Captain, sensors show it's a random Quantum Video Conferencing anomaly. It's paging us with a meeting ID.

Kirk:  That's that Picard guy from the future top left, and he's probably droning on about the Prime Directive and lecturing everyone else to make it so.

Spock: I recommend we decline and withdraw captain.

Kirk:  Agreed . . . No, wait! Who's the doll in the top right?

Awkward silence

McCoy:  Jim! Godammit! You can't put the entire ship and her crew at risk just to get a quick snog.

Kirk:  No? Watch me. Enter the meeting ID Mr Sulu.


1st April 2125


GAT looked over Thinkbot's shoulder, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not on that call.'


31st March 2125

Shopping in Isolation Order 83

GAT attempts to add beer to the list


Bing bong bing bong, bing bong bing bong, bing bong bing bong

Fumble 'B&##er!'

Opal has shared a note 'Shopping List' with you

GAT clicked on the link

You do not have permission to view Shopping List

$%&&@! Aaaargh!  I can't see it!

Click on this link


Enter this code

Fumble bleep beeleep bleep whooop!

Invalid entry, please try again

Fumble bleep bleep beep whooop!

Triple Level authentication required



26th March 2125



Daily Log

Date: this twenty sixth day of March in the year of our LORD two thousand one hundred and twenty five

Got up, made cup of tea and digestives to dunk, went back to bed, took laptop with me


Connect to e-meeting but didn't enable video, or microphone

Didn't say anything and no actions on me - brilliant start to the day 

Got up in dressing gown for half past nineses

Shower and get dressed (no socks)

Check email - 459 new messages!

Deleted over 100 without opening them - EXHAUSTED!

Stop for Elevenses

Scythe through the rest of the email and whittled it down to 23 with serious content - leave them for tomorrow.

Reviewed yesterday's 'serious email' deleted several and flagged the rest as 'To Do'.


With just a half glass of wine . . . the top half - drink the bottom half later.

Dip into:

Watch some training videos, explore features and spend an hour wondering what to do with my new knowledge.


Make a list of tasks for tomorrow.

Joined weekly Production Plan Review via Wham (topped that wine up beforehand )

Couln't undstand wot was priroties, hic, zslot zslippage . .



22nd March 2125


18th March 2125


Work From Home Special



#1.  The Ideal. Beautiful people, white-walled sunlit airy room, discrete potted plant & token books, fully absorbed multitasking, cappuccino at the ready. No dogs, children, old people.



#2.  Cause for Concern. Dark room. Secretive. Weird.



#3. No Chance. Will take 8 hours to achieve what could have been done in 10 minutes in the office.



#4.  Where's the *^&%ing laptop?


16th March 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um. .  .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's  . .  .er.  . it's an infinite  cloud of toilet rolls sir.

Captain Kirk: Shelves up! Check the cubicle door locks

Entire Crew (muffled): Aye aye captain

Dr Spock: Jim, I think there must have been some sort of galactic damnpanic.

Captain Kirk: Can we navigate around them?

Mr Sulu: No sir.

Captain Kirk:  Drain the cisterns and flood the forward torpedo tubes!

Spock:  Very clever Captain, you intend to flush your way through.

Chekov: I hope they are not Russian captain, you'll need photon torpedoes if they are.

McCoy: Godammit Jim! You'll be able to produce one helluva log tonight!


10th March 2125



8th March 2125


Sent: 08 March 2125 09:03

To: GAT <GAT@globalbot.com>

Subject: business intelligence help request



First off, if there's a more appropriate leader that handles embedded analytics beyond business intelligence, would you please let me know or possibly make an introduction? Maybe the CTO or a VP? Just forward this email and cc. me.

(i.e We're nervous you're a insignificant lightweight)


We wanted to set-up an introduction to BESTOFBREEDAREUSANDTHENSOME's scalable, customizable Embedded Analytics solution to simplify analytics for complex data providing instant insights and instant value to Globalrot Corp.

(Well, I've already gained some valuable insights into BESTOFBREEDAREUSANDTHENSOME)


From leading global enterprises to innovative startups, worldwide users leverage the power of BESTOFBREEDAREUSANDTHENSOME data analytics software to effortlessly combine large volumes of data from a variety of sources to get the insights they need - the instant they need them.

(I know how to use Excel already)


Can we reach out to you and work around your schedule for a call next week?



Really appreciate your help!

(PLEASE HELP ME! I'm desperate)




4th March 2125



'Aaargh! Aaaaarg . . . my eyes, my eyes! I've no option but to work from bed and self- immobilise!'


3rd March 2125


'That's a new sign' said Thinkbot.

'What does it mean? Is it a crossword clue?' asked GAT.

'Yes, it could be, say nine letters.'


'Yes, spot on! They're not spiders at all.'

'I still think there'll be some shop floor screaming when they stumble on them.'


'Oh bugger! I stood on one.'

The build bay lamp tower went red and a disembodied voice boomed around them.



'For crying out loud watch where your putting your feet!'


28th February 2125


20th February 2125


24 hours later, GAT was yet to clear Chinese customs.

The hold up ahead of him was a puppet with country of origin USA.

For reasons not entirely clear, the puppet only spoke Latin.

'De minimis non curat lex' it kept repeating.

But when the TariffBot tapped this into its tablet, all it got was:



And refused an entry permit on the import of food regulations.


Not to be continued . . .   (we can but earnestly hope)


19th February 2125



17th February 2125



Lessons From History #83:  The Brexit Negotiations in Full

European Union: 'Donnez-nous votre poisson!', 'Danos tu pescado!'

Great (again) Britain: 'Our fish are NOT on the negotiating table.'


8 months later . . . .  .


European Union: 'Donnez-nous votre poisson!', 'Danos tu pescado!'

(Still) Great Britain: 'Our fish are NOT on the negotiating table.'


The position of the fishing fleets at dawn on 21st October 2020

The rest, as they say is history.


Safe Harbor Statement: Many fish were fried in batter during these negotiations. Especially by the British who persisted in putting their cod & chips on the negotiating table whilst mumbling repeatedly that their fish was not on the negotiating table.


11th February 2125


6th February 2125


Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Lt Data:  Captain, we've received an encrypted notification from  Starfleet Command.

Captain Picard:  What is it Mr Data?

Lt Data: It's, ah, um . . .

Captain Picard:  Come on, spit it out, you're supposed to be state of the art AI.

Mr Data:  Earth has left the Federation sir.

Captain Picard:  WHAT?

Commander Riker:  Get Earthxit Done!

Captain Picard:  Riker, you - an Earthexiteer? I don't believe it!

Riker:  You're blinded by your Frenchness Jean Luc!

Attention! Saucer Separation Sequence Initiated

Captain Picard:  Belay that order!

Lt Com La Forge:  No sir! 48% want to remain, even Worf.

Counselor Troy:  Captain, I' sensing a message from the rest of the Federation.

Captain Picard:  What is it Deanna?


Hail Earthlings! Bugger off then! See if we care. Don't even think about rejoining unless you give us all your fish!



30th January 2125


27th January 2125


25th January 2125


24th January 2125


17th January 2125



15th January 2125


'Scooby Dooby Doo!'

Yelled GAT at the TV, causing Helen to nearly jump out of her skin and splash her wine all down her blouse.

'It's the guy at the garage! It's just a Scooby Doo plot.' GAT pointed gleefully at the TV.

Helen paused the episode of Silent Witness. 'How many times must I ask you not to do that!' she growled, 'I'm not watching any more if you're going to behave like that.'

'Okay, can I change the channel? Bristol Rovers Reserves are playing Newport Reserves in the 2nd round replay of the Major Domo Euro-Freight Brexit Trophy.'



8th January 2125


'VAR are looking at it!'

The crowded Production Meeting held it's breath.

You could have heard a crate drop.

'The question is, was it a valid shipment or was it a fraction after the quarter end?'

'It'll all come down to whether the PO arrived before or after 24:00:00.000'



00:00:00.083 - missed by 83 milliseconds.

The meeting room erupted with rage, chairs and laptops flew through the air.


6th January 2125

What are they look at with faces full of wonder?

Is it a revelation from a higher being?

A vista of a glorious future where peace and harmony rules over humanity?

Er, no,


2nd January 2125


Another New Year - Another New App.

And strangely a new key to press.



I wonder what it does?


'Blimey!  It even freezes the eternal wait routine.





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