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30th June 2115
Economic woes! Apparently there'll be 600,000 jobs lost in the public sector over the next six years, but not to worry, forecasters believe there'll be at least 600,000 new jobs created in the private sector. However, this conclusion is based on several large assumptions, the biggest of which is that there'll be at least 600,000 new jobs created in the private sector over the next six years.
27th June 2115
'SPINELESS MUPPETS IN BLAZERS!' yelled GAT at the TV after video footage proved yet another dreadful error by officials in the Robofoot World Cup.
Coming in for most abuse was World Robofoot president Self Flatter who apparently believes huge errors by officials are an integral part of the game, and sends a strong message that clear miscarriages of justice in sport help people develop realistic expectations of excluding clear-cut evidence from legal cases in the real world.
'Whether the ball was in the net or not is irrelevant, it's what the official in charge believes that is the truth. I don't care if 5 billion TV viewers conclude that we're incompetent buffoons'.
25th June 2115
Time is ticking away and only 3 weeks to go for the TOGAF 90 Course for practitioners by Togbot (TOGAF and ISEB Certified) in London from 12th July To 15th July 2015.
Thorough understanding of the TOGAF 90 Enterprise Architecture Framework and Methodology.
Preparation for TOGAF 90 Exam enabling candidates to sit theTOGAF 90 Exams with confidence.
Appreciation of the value of TOGAF 90 as the world-leading methodology for Enterprise Architecture.
Ability to apply Enterprise Architecture ideas straightaway in their own organisation.
Understanding the place and importance of Technology Infrastructure Architecture in the context of Enterprise Architecture.
Understanding of the use of TOGAF 90 with other architecture concepts such as SOA, Solution Architectures and others.
Understanding of the relationship between Enterprise Architecture and Business and IT Strategy.
If you have not blocked seat(s), then hurry up and register on or before 28th June 2015 as only 7 seats are left with the discounted price of Globo 14,590.
Find more details on:
Note: 5% discount for group of 3 participants.
10% discount for group of 5 participants.
Looking forward to hear from you soon.
GAT's summary of above: 'What the hell is TOGAF? Strangely, I have not blocked seats and rushed to register 'cos only 7 seats are left. They will not be hearing from me soon.'
19th June 2115
Globalbot Purchases Greece and
Lodges Formal Bid for Spain
Robo-Reuters: Wednesday 19th June 2115
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it had completed its purchase of Greece and was making a bid for Spain.
'We are pleased with this purchase,' commented Graham Cracker, CEO of Globolbat, 'which will make for a lovely meeting destination for Globalbot executives in the summer months. The planned purchase of Spain will complement our portfolio by adding some further exciting beach destinations as well as some half-decent Robofoot teams such as Unreal Madroid and Borgalona, who will sit well alongside our Greek acquisition Olympiakobotos'
'It is a major step forward in operational efficiency to acquire an entire country on a simple purchase order,' commented Duwkits, Director of Operations at Globalbot, 'In the past one could only purchase robotic components and various odds and ends. Even the CAPEX [capital expenditure] route would not have enabled this just 2 or 3 years ago.'
'The company is now assessing the feasibility of holding other European and South American countries in inventory', added GAT, Director of Engineering, 'Having them available via a simple stores requisition would be the ultimate goal, but we have take care not to repeat the unfortunate events that led to the scrapping of Iceland.'
Safe Harbor: Safe harbors are plentiful in Greece. Nice sheltered bays with lovely warm clear water. Some days it is possible to swim with dolphins. The place is riddled with ancient ruins and outstanding seafood restaurants. We feel it is very unlikely to suffer a scrappage outcome like Iceland, which is covered in ice and volcanoes. Normally safe harbor statements cast doubt on the veracity of the information within a press release but, on this occasion, the authors believe everything they've written.
18th June 2115
Everything going well?
Not on a sinking ship, trapped in a mine, or sweating on a doomed aircraft?
Then call for:
A Globalbot Company
17th June 2115
Percy Knell announced there might be a pay rise soon, and it might be 4%, but the again it might not. In fact, what he meant was that a year ago someone decided we might get a pay rise sometime in the future, and it might be around 4% or, more accurately, 'anything up to 4%'. Well, 0% is 'up to 4%' quipped one engineer and another speculated up to 4% could mean a hefty pay cut since all real numbers <0% are up to 4%.
So, someone asked, no one will get more than 4%?
'I didn't say that,' replied Percy, 'Some people may well get more than 4%.'
'Look' continued Percy, 'forget the 4%, that was just something decided a year ago so it's not really relevant any more. All I can say is that we hoping to have a general pay review and it may be more or less than a certain figure that may be about 4% depending who you are.'
11th June 2115
7th June 2115
Encountered someone today who brought a new depth and richness to the concept of the 'yes man'. I was in a conference call which included Graham Cracker - the CEO of Globalbot no less.
'Just keep your trap shut!' was GAT's helpful advice as to my participation (or otherwise) in the call.
There was someone on the call who followed everything Cracker said with, 'I absolutely totally agree', although he may have said 'I totally absolutely agree' on one occasion.
After a while, it got a bit wearing, and GAT was sure Cracker (with whom he has a passing acquaintance) was showing signs of irritation.
GAT hit the mute button, 'Watch this!'
He un-muted the phone and interjected, 'Mr Cracker, Sir, may I suggest you consider the option of a gender change?'
Cracker caught on immediately, 'Now, that's a excellent proposal.'
PREGNANT PAUSE; EXPECTANT ELECTRONS IN WIRES; STATIONARY PHOTONS IN FIBRES . . . steady, steady, then . . .'I absolutely totally agree.'
2nd June 2115
Home & Garden
Accompanied Gerald on a trip to purchase some grass seed. As usual, there was too much choice!
Giant Grass™ - ideal for rapid comprehensive coverage.
TB's angle: Like covering the shed? Good for jungle training,
IndestructiGrass™ - ideal for good coverage, grows anywhere.
TB's angle: Dangerous grass - will grow like the clappers even when planted by total imbecile. Rips up concrete within days. Best kept in the packet.
UniGrass™ - in a word: 'ideal' - suitable for dogs and children.
TB's angle: Well, there are not many products that are suitable for dogs and children, except maybe custard creams, so I guess it's got that going for it.
WimpGrass™ - for that perfect English lawn.
TB's angle: The sort of grass that could not possibly have evolved. Dies instantly unless owner waters and weeds and feeds it four times a day. Forget dodgy fossils, grass like this should be the centrepiece of any creationist case.
DeadGrass™ - For that baking hot summer feeling
TB's angle: Saves the bother of killing it yourself.
UniGrass™ - with Pheasant included
TB's angle: Glorious!
29th May 2115
When asked to define the customer priority order for targeting sales of Globalbot's recently released CLEARBOT ™ problem-solving algorithm, the answer from Marketing seemed to be the order in which they could remember them.
26th May 2115
Global legislation prohibits discrimination on the grounds of: race; religion and belief; sex; sexual orientation; gender; transgender status; disability; age; wearing a scarf.
I am sorry to inform you that Gerald has recently expressed the opinion that he'd never share a residence with anyone who wore a scarf and has now been branded a 'scarfist'.
19th May 2115
WARNING! - AUDITORS
Sorry about the blogout dear reader(s), but Globalbot got audited. An Executive Summary of the findings are replicated below:
Client: Globalbot Incorprated
1. Globalbot spends a lot of money, an awful lot.
2. Globalbot also receives lots of money.
3. Whether it receives more that it spends is a moot point, nobody knows.
4. We are suspicious that Globalbot may have some debts, possibly huge ones, but nobody knows that for sure either.
5. It also has a mind-boggling collection of assets, but they're spread all over the site and no one seems to have a list. Anyway we just ticked 'Comply' and moved on.
1. The lead auditor left partway through the audit to become a surf instructor.
1. The bank may notice eventually.
10th May 2115
From: Percy Knell, HR Director
To: All Staff & Corporate Robots
Subject: Annual Box Ticking
Once again it is time for all staff to tick boxes. There shall be no exceptions and, although there is no connection whatsoever between successfully completing the box-ticking exercise and salary increases, let me make it clear that no box ticking means no salary increase. The process is as follows:
1. Employee provisionally ticks boxes
2. Line manager reviews ticked boxes against last year's ticked boxes
3. Line manager meet to discuss ticked boxes and review discrepancies with last year
4. Employee amends and re-submits box ticking form
5. Line manager ticks line management boxes and passes to manager +1
6. Manager +1 reviews line manager's ticked boxes against last year and double checks employees ticked box review from previous year against line manager's corrected box ticking for current year.
7. Manager +1 meets with line manager and reviews all the ticked boxes they can find on the form.
8. Line manager meets with employee and explains the box ticking done by him/her and manager+1 and also the employee's ticked boxes to ensure the boxes ticked make sense.
9. Manager +1 performs 'skip management review' with employee to try and comprehend the apparently random boxes ticked by the intermediate line manager.
10. Manager +1 reviews skip review box ticking changes with line manager.
11. Line manager reviews final ticked box outcome with employee.
12. Line manager copies final ticked box form to HR and files original.
Note: Employee has right of appeal to manager +2 for any box ticking disputes.
8th May 2115
From: Percy Knell, HR Director
To: All Staff & Corporate Robots
Subject: Management Reorganisation
Please note that with immediate effect all managers on grades UL3c-UL1a inclusive have been replaced by a spreadsheet. The main drivers for this decision are that spreadsheets:
1. are a much more reliable location to store data
2. can add up, subtract and perform many other useful functions
3. are capable of instant decision making
4. work 24/7 without any need for a Gooseberry™.
If you formerly answered to a manager on any of the above grades then the spreadsheet will be in touch with you shortly to establish a macro specific to you job function.
Rumours are now flying around that Percy himself will shortly be replaced by an avatar, and some other senior managers with a random number generator.
4th May 2115
I'm going to file a patent. It solves the problem of cooling data servers that consume vast amounts of energy storing useless data. The original idea is to relocate the data onto a prior art invention called paper and then store the paper in suitable zero-energy consumption cabinets.
30th April 2115
Budget review time! Where I learned:
Why the salary section of Sales Group is always left blank, to quote Steve Ales:
'Ha, ha, no, no, Can't possibly have sales salaries in the public domain!'
Gosh, I wonder if that's because they're so low . . .
And how Marketing cope with a measly 6,000,000 Globo monthly travel budget.
29th April 2115
Attended Marketing information session with GAT today. They presented their new 'traffic light' system for responding to customer purchasing specifications.
'It's quite straightforward,' said Mark Eting, the Globalbot Marketing Director, 'For items we are okay with we use green, and for the ones that need further clarification we use amber.'
'What about things we can't comply with?' asked GAT
'I'm not sure what you mean.' replied Mark.
'Well, aren't some things customers ask for going to be red?'
Mark looked bemused, 'Er, um, sorry GAT, I really don't follow what you're trying to say.'
25th April 2115
20th April 2115
18th April 2115
And now, we have the manifesto for the:
ROBOT DEMOCRATIC ALLIANCE PARTY
We pledge to reduce taxes
We pledge that all young people will leave primary school with an Honours Degree
We pledge to eliminate death
We pledge to develop a network of carbon-neutral teleportation gateways
We pledge to convict all weather forecasters of fraud and lock them up
We pledge to arm our defence forces with unimaginable firepower
Trust us, we know what we're doing, honest!
Green is our favourite colour
We pledge to make everything much better and lower taxes!
15th April 2115
13th April 2115
Great Corporate Analogies #63, by Graham Cracker, CEO Globabot Inc.
'Globalbot is like a snake that's just eaten a large animal - it's just going to lie there emitting greenhouse gases.'
Er, um . .
8th April 2115
More gems from the world of TINFOE™ ERP PLM.
TINFOE™ ERP PLM is a Single Version of the Truth
Claim referred to the Philosophy Department of Bristol University.
Initial prognosis: 'What is truth?'
(The department acknowledges the kind permission from the estate of the late Pontius Pilate.)
Auto generates credible explanations when design aberrations come to light.
Checks engineer is still alive.
Moves design from CAD to obsolescence without any human input
The bug in Version 5.SP5.6.7 that scrapped the entire inventory of several large corporations has now been fixed.
7th April 2115
From: Facility Adminbot
To: All Staff & Corporate Robots
Could you please check in the drawers of your desk for any dessert spoons you may have borrowed from the canteen. Globalbot Catering will not be able to offer dessert in the future without them.
Hmmm . . . this raises a host of questions not the least of which are:
1. Why would anyone borrow a dessert spoon? Are their other sources of desserts at Globalbot?
2. Why on earth would a robot borrow a dessert spoon at all?
3. Why would people (& robots) keep said dessert spoons in their desk drawers?
4. Is there an implied conspiracy that robots have pilfered the spoons to prevent their human colleagues from partaking of desserts?
5. Perhaps with the goal in mind of eliminating desserts altogether?
6. Why can't Globalbot catering simply limit the dessert offering to those compatible with forks?
7. It appears Globalbot desserts are able to time travel into the future as long as there are dessert spoons in the present.
4th April 2115
After yet another cock-up where GAT recorded 3 hours of cooking programmes instead of the Grand Prix and only found out after hours of trying to get it to play back on the TV in the loft, Gerald drew out some simple hook up and user instructions, 'It's just so easy Dad! Any idiot can do it.'
'Ah, I see,' muttered GAT, 'and it takes 4 sides of A4 to instruct the idiot?'
'Well, do you want it to work or not?'
'Where's the bit about how to keep the pigeon off the satellite dish?'
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