THINKBLOG   Jan to Jun 2117

 

Contact Thinkbot @: thinkbot@thinkbot.co.uk

 

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27th June 2117

Highlights from the Globalbot Engineering Change Order database:

ECO    Title                                      Reason                               

E039101    Move hole slightly to the right             Hole slightly to far to the left

E039102    Move hole slightly to the left               Hole slightly to far to the right

E039103    Increase qty holes to 2 off in kit          Insufficient holes in kit

E039104    Add nut to bolt                                           Slightly less nuts than bolts

E039105    Correct shipping address                        ERROR Robot shipped to CA not Israel

E039106    Dimensional anomaly                              Dimension found to  be anomalous

E039107    Part and bag delivered separately     Amend work instruction to put part in bag

As for the lowlights - don't ask!

 

26th June 2117

The England Robofoot team before its record-breaking 9,104th successive penalty shootout defeat at Eurobot 2117.

Rear (L-R):  RB097-1, RB095-5, RB088-1, RB037-4, RB052-9

Front (L-R):  RB113-2, RB085-5, RB093-5, RB034-0, RB111-7, RB007-1

Pundits were unanimous, 'The algorithm just wasn't up to it! The Italian footbots were metronomic in comparison and as for Pirlobot's cheeky chip, we're speechless.'

The England manager Robot Hodgebot had the usual lame excuses, 'We've never recovered from RB010-2 being scrapped during qualifying, and everyone knows about RB025-9's metatarsal short circuit during training.'

 

25th June 2117

What the Globalbot salesman reported: 'We shook hands on a 500 million Globo deal.'

What the shocked customer later clarified: 'I was just thanking him for dinner.'

 

24th June 2117

Have sky finally run out of ideas?

 

17th June 2117

 

West Somerset Diesel Day!

Highlight was the 150 year old Deltic 55022 'Royal Scots Grey'.

We managed to get to go in the cab where we met one of the dedicated preservation engineers who keeps the thing running - everything's instrumented with state of the wireless art sensors networked to some sort of spy satellite in orbit which reports live engine status back to someone's spare bedroom in Manchester.

'We keep an eye on't drivers!' growled the engineer, 'Make sure nowt idiots get t'drive her.'

Deadly serious stuff all round - at least he put the fear of god into me.

 

On the back of this I came to the conclusion that this is a great occupation with which to occupy the pre-occupied.

'Make the world a safer and more enjoyable place! Get the fanatics out of politics and into train preservation!' that's what I say.

 

16th June 2117

The Global Economic Crisis Explained

By Robot Peston

 

Wellllll, the southern hemisphere countries are reeeally not able to, er, er, ,ah, reeeepay, er . . . , theeeeir, debts asss wellll as thaaaat, some northeeern countries are equaaaally to blaaaame as they loaned themselves huuuge sums . . ah . . ah, the Irish just kept selling houses to themselves, ah, buaat, the Spanish built too many houses they couldn't sell to the themselves and the Germans did not waaant to have second homes in backyaard Spain, ah-nd, their banking systems ran out er of er caaaash, and in Italy more people er, owned Ferraris than paaid, er, er, um, tax, and then there's been no growth in Greeece where austerity meaaasures have been, er, ah, in, ah, place for er ah over a century and most of the population live in caves and can only aaaafford to dress in er er er ah, goat skins. In er the meantime in Aaamerica, where er, er, um, coke bottle tops have replaced the dollar,

Cont p.83

 

12th June 2117

 

Report on CRIPEL Upgrade from R99.7.567.SP52¾ to R99.7.567.SP53½
 

Executive Summary

Pig with lipstick gets facelift

 

Detailed Analysis

The executive summary says it all.

 

Thinkbot

12.06.17

 

10th June 2117

 

The big question - Is there a non-award winning real ale?

One that's not 'smooth malty hoppy dark amber golden bitter toffee fruity' and ideal with all foods etc.

And for which the CAMRA recommendation is 'pour robustly down the toilet.'

 

30th May 2117

Banks Arrested on Perjury Charges
Robo-Reuters: Sunday 30th May 2117

All global banks have been arrested after claiming under oath they had lots of money when in fact they had none.

'We loaned it all to Greece, Spain, Italy, Ireland and Portugal,' admitted one CEO before bursting into tears and asking to borrow a few Globo to get himself a kebab and a can of Guiness.

In a related story the French Robofoot team pulled out of Europa qualifying after its boots were repossessed and the Robotfoot Association sold its shirts on Ebot.

In the UK a government spokesman said; 'Thank God for the channel! You haven't got a fiver by any chance you can lend me have you I'd be awfully grateful?'

 

21st May 2117

 

Globalbot Implements 'Idiot Robot' Call Distribution System
Robo-Reuters: Friday 21st May 2117

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented a state of the art automated call distribution system [Press 1 to return to the start]  [Press 2 to fast forward to the end]  [Press 3 to exit]  [Press 4 for an exclusive offer on a canal boat timeshare]  [Press 5 to hear an inconclusive beep and some clicking noises]

'Godammit!'

After careful [Press 7 to continue] said [error 56k500B$%] selected Idiot Robot  [Press 99 to receive a selection of fine ice creams by express mail]

'What the 4%^&!''

 

16th May 2117

 

New Globalbot HR initiative. In an effort to assess the effect of management announcements, employees are to be fitted with shock and tilt indicators.

 

14th May 2117

 

In an amazing post-season development, Cardiff City football club announced it is to switch colours from blue to red, move to Ashton Gate and rename itself 'Bristol City'. The existing Bristol City will make the reverse switch to a blue strip and rename itself 'Cardiff City' playing its home games at the Cardiff City Stadium. To ease the transition and minimize disruption an agreement has been reached to swap the entire playing staff such that the current Cardiff City will constitute the new Cardiff City and vice versa for Bristol. It is also believed the owners will also swap taking the entire financial setup with them.

'Hopefully the change will be invisible to fans,' stated a spokesman for the deal.

 

7th May 2117

Work continues on the Engineering toilet block refurbishment

Wild rumours abound that Marketing are getting an exclusive facility

 

'What on earth are they doing in there?' gasped GAT as more sounds of drilling and demolishing emerged from the Engineering toilet block, along with a large cloud of dust and two workmen wearing hard hats and head torches. 'How can it possibly take two months?' (A complaint usually aimed at Engineering by Marketing whose event horizon struggles to get beyond a week Friday).

 

6th May 2117

     Eezy Budgit Planner

 

To: All Globalbot Budget Holders

From: Globalbot Finance Dept

Subject: Quarterly BVA Issued For Ops Review

 

Dear All,

Your Q1 2117 Ops BVA have now been uploaded to your Departmental Sorepoint site. Please note that you are now expected to forecast your projected Q2 spend on a monthly basis for April/May/June and highlight any anticipated variances.

Any questions then please do hesitate in getting back to us.

Regards,

Globalbot Finance Team

 

As usual GAT will just concoct a forecast using his Eezy Budgit™ Planner; it'll just take him three times longer.

 

1st May 2117

TroubleNet: KOR-67-000-3838

Created by: Globalbot Korea

Subject: Airbot On Underside With Water

 

The Airbot with hole not water under flying altitude fault. Please tell Globalbot Korea solution to problem tomorrow. Customer very delighted and want to kill anyone in Globalbot shirt. Customer shout he order submarine on PO not flying sink without inflatable function. Please help Globalbot Korea make customer happy! Customer say Globalbot despicable liars and Airbot no good for water under flying - customer say he could issue PO for turtle more successful!

 

'I think there seems to be a slight misunderstanding,' observed GAT.

'What we gonna do?' I asked.

'Reply that what we delivered met the purchase spec and retire to the bunker for a week or so.'

'Righty ho! I'll check with IT if we can conjure up an inexplicable Globalbot Korea server crash.'

 

26th April 2117

      

 

Globalbot Implements 'Merge In Transit' Delivery System
Robo-Reuters: Monday 26th April 2117

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented a state of the art 'Merge In Transit' Delivery System.

 

Merge in transit entails shipments of robot subsystems from suppliers located in various parts of the globe meeting up in transit and arriving as an integrated system at the customer site.

 

'So far it's not gone that well,' admitted Colin Ishon, VP of Field Operations for Globalbot, 'Most merged shipment attempts have resulted in serious accidents or major international incidents, but I'm sure we'll get the hang of it eventually.'

 

Industry analysts are bewildered, one commenting, 'But but but . . . '

Another tweeted, 'Surely they're not trying to . . . , OMG, They ARE!'

 

23rd April 2117

 

Globalbot Announces 100% Inventory Outsource
Robo-Reuters: Friday 23rd April 2117

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it is to fully outsource its inventory control to ebot, a global supplier of bits and bobs no one wants anymore.

 

'I know this looks a bit odd,' commented Ian Ventry, VP of Materials for Globalbot, 'But they always seem to have exactly what we need whenever we have a critical shortage. This contrasts sharply with our stores which only seems to stock parts we don't ever need.''

 

Industry analysts were not so convinced, one commenting, 'I'm suspicious someone within the Globalbot organisation is selling its own stock back to itself via ebot. It beggars belief that whenever they hit a critical shortage Hey Presto! some obscure seller appears with that exact part.'

Another later tweeted, 'I'm not so sure there's anything sinister going on, rather ebot is a quicker way of extracting stock from their stores than going via Oribal. Oribal is probably also telling them about slow-moving stock, or rather telling then slowly about stock they used to have that's now on Ebot.'

 

 

 18th April 2117

31531511 Robot build config spec kit

-          26246264 x1 Highligther Green – Essential Spare

-          32465435 x1 High;iighrt orange – Essential Spare

-          42642422 x1 Highlighter yellow – OPTION

-          43252424 x1 Printer

-          43646633 x0 Network Cripel Access

-          3r3r33333 x15 A4 paper sheet

 

Really! One would have thought this had been automated by now.

 

13th April 2117

 100,000,000

                0

                                               23:50    23:59:59.99999999999999999999 31st March 2117

 

A = Rate of Globalbot Robot shipments 10 minutes before the end of Quarter 1.

B = Instantaneous rate of Globalbot Robot shipments at end of Quarter 1.

 

How did Globalbot deliver this miracle?    

 

Creative Crating™ Inc.

Ex Nihilo Shipping Specialists

 

 

11th April 2117

 

The Parable of the Russian Doll.

 

At the Globalbot's customer's customer production planning meeting, the Operations director pins the Contract Manager to the wall demanding to know the specifications of what he's supposed to be shipping at the end of Q2. The Contract Manager pleads for his life, 'I don't know, I just don't know.'

 

At the Globalbot's customer's production planning meeting, the Operations director pins the Contract Manager to the wall demanding to know the specifications of what he's supposed to be shipping at the end of Q2. The Contract Manager pleads for his life, 'I don't know, I just don't know.'

 

At the Globalbot production planning meeting, the Operations director pins the Contract Manager to the wall demanding to know the specifications of what he's supposed to be shipping at the end of Q2. The Contract Manager pleads for his life, 'I don't know, I just don't know.'

 

At the Globalbot supplier's production planning meeting, the Operations director pins the Contract Manager to the wall demanding to know the specifications of what he's supposed to be shipping at the end of Q2. The Contract Manager pleads for his life, 'I don't know, I just don't know.'

 

At the Globalbot supplier's supplier production planning meeting, the Operations director pins the Contract Manager to the wall demanding to know the specifications of what he's supposed to be shipping at the end of Q2. The Contract Manager pleads for his life, 'I don't know, I just don't know.'

 

The meaning of this parable is the essence of the Lack of Knowledge Economy which produces vast amounts of incorrect product just in time for unknown reasons.

 

5th April 2117

 

Difficult day at work. Progress on one of my projects has gone into reverse. I submitted a HelpLess to IT but they just shrugged (in person, not over the network), 'Nothing to do with us Thinkbot.'

Even worse, the project spend has gone into reverse, so I contacted Finance, but they just looked at me blankly, 'Nothing to do with us Thinkbot.' I'm -125% underspent this quarter (whatever that means).

'Look on the bright side,' observed GAT, 'You haven't even completed the project and it's making a profit.'

'But I don't understand why.'

'Never mind about that,' advised Marketing, 'Nobody knows how our released products make money - just spin it as an early product release.'

Worst of all, how am I going to traffic light it at Ops Review?

 

1st April 2117

'Idiots!' bellowed GAT slamming the front door shut.

'Those IDIOTS at Waitrose put Adnams on offer and now they've SOLD OUT!'

I think he's well on the path towards being a grumpy old man and woe betide anyone or anything getting between him and his favourite ale.

 

30th March 2117

+ =

'Hell's bells!' exclaimed GAT, throwing the NewScientist across the room, 'Not another Einstein meets The Tube and we'll all be commuting daily to another universe issue! Is this the same magazine that told us the previous week that at 25,000 mph it would take 115,000 years to reach Alpha Centauri!'

'You're not impressed then?' I ventured.

'#@&*(£~! <>£$&@~!'

I guessed not.

 

26th March 2117

 

22nd March 2117

CO E88831 has been moved by Bot, Think from Pending to Tech Evaluation
for the Modified NEW ECO Workflow A for your review and approval.
Description of Change: 		INTRODUCE DINOSAUR INC. INTO SUPPLY CHAIN
Reason for Change:		JUST HAS TO BE FASTER THAN CURRENT SUPPLIER, PLEASE, PLEASE OH PLEASE
Related Change:    		E88832 (PENDING): SUPPLIER EXTINCT
Change Category:		#7 SUPPLIER CRITICAL MASS
Change Disposition:  		SWITCH ALL OVERDUE ORDERS TO DINOSAUR INC.
Field Bulletin:			ADVISE CUSTOMER LEAD TIMES PULLED IN TO 65,000,000 YEARS.

 

16th March 2117

 

15th March 2117

Artist's impression of the Globalbot Q317 Sales Plan.

'We must transition to a point beyond the event horizon!' declared Stephen Ales, VP of Globalbot Global Worldwide Sales.

Engineering endorsements were immediate:

'Yer're on on yer own mate!'

'Send us a postcard.'

'Time stops beyond the event horizon so nothing will ever be late.'

'And you can book, ship and invoice in a split second.'

 

9th March 2117

Today, I offer you Globalbot's two golden rules on passwords:

1. It is company policy that you use a password you cannot remember.

2. Never ever tell anyone you've forgotten your password.

 

And a passage about passwords and Robots of Mass Destruction (RMD) from Thinkbot, the book:

 

 

VOICE VALIDATED. PLEASE STATE PASSWORD.

 “Password, prairie dog,” said Hedge.

WARNING!  PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE TWO MORE ATTEMPTS BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT. YOU HAVE 120 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Hedge looked worried. The NSA man started laughing. All and sundry had the same thought: He’s forgotten his password.

Exp ‘thought’,THIS IS OUTSIDE THE CALCULATED PARAMETERS. I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO THIS DATA. IT IS INSIDE THE HEAD OF HEDGE.

Hedge looked mortified, “I don’t understand. It’s definitely a prairie animal.”

A few moments’ delay. Earth’s future hung by a thread; hung on remembering the correct prairie animal.

“Coyote.” said Thinkbot, making use of his nighttime TV sessions.

“No,” replied Hedge.

“Badger,” offered Helen.

“No.”

Thinkbot, “Black-footed ferret.”

“Er, no. I only changed it recently. I just knew I’d forget when I changed it. But I wasn’t really expecting to launch the RMD.” The presidential figures on the other screens were still leaping up and down and waving their arms. Exp cut the video feeds.

Helen: “Bison.”

“No.”

Thinkbot: “Er, stink bug, carrion beetle, long-billed curlew, western tiger swallowtail.”

“No, none of those.”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 90 SECONDS.

Panic began to set in. Even Exp somehow exuded worry, without moving a single actuator. Mr NSA looked confident.

Helen: “Prairie elephant, grass ground giraffe, land whale, flying flatsnake, polka dotted leopard, bright green fox.”

Hedge came out of a daze and stared in disgust at Helen.

Thinkbot: “Tiger beetle, eastern cottontail, burrowing owl, pronghorn antelope …”

“You’re making it up,” complained Helen.

“No I’m not!” retorted Thinkbot. “Anyway you can talk. What’s the blue blazes is a prairie elephant?”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 60 SECONDS.

Exp, “PLEASE CONCENTRATE.”

 

Thinkbot spoke even faster. “Northern grasshopper mouse, meadow vole, ferruginuous hawk, prairie rattlesnake, gopher snake, lady beetle, fox snake, killdeer, California condor …”

Helen, “Now you’re making it up!”

“No I’m not, just ’cos humans are too stupid to realise it lived on the prairie as well!”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 30 SECONDS.

“PLEASE CONCENTRATE.”

Thinkbot started up again. “American toad, ground squirrel, western meadowlark, common snipe, red-tailed hawk, white-tailed jack rabbit …”

“That’s it!” yelled Hedge. “Password, white-tailed jack rabbit.”

WARNING!  PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE ONE MORE ATTEMPT BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT PERMANENTLY. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL TERMINATE YOUR TERM IN OFFICE. YOU HAVE SEVEN SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Hedge looked like he might cry.

“Son, please let me decide if I want to live. What right have you to decide? I’ve lived a long and fulfilled life and … I’m so proud of … you …”

What happens if it’s beyond my ability?

What happens if I fail? Again.

Thinkbot, “Black-tailed jack rabbit.”

Hedge stared at the Unibot for three agonising seconds before saying, “Password, black-tailed jack rabbit.”

PASSWORD VALIDATED.

 

 

8th March 2117

 

2nd March 2117

 

'B6&*@#y H*($!' exploded GAT on exiting the meeting room, 'When will the company learn that serving happy face biscuits at a face to face customer crisis meeting is totally inappropriate!'

 

We really felt for him (honest, we did). A search for unhappy face biscuits yielded nothing but then I happened upon an unhappy face cake supplier. I'm sure they'll make all the difference to a successful outcome of the next face to face crisis meeting.

 

 

1st March 2117

  

To: All Globalbot

From: SecureBot

Subject: Threat Level Change

Dear All,

Please be aware the Globalbot security level has been changed.

Previous level: Purple

New level: Violet

All staff must conform with violet protocol with immediate effect.

SecureBot

 

'Is that good or bad?'

'Dunno, and who are you anyway?'

'Shut up and obey the poster.'

 

 

24th Feb 2117

  Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

It is impossible to determine accurately both the position and the direction and speed of a particle at the same instant.

 

  Marketing Uncertainty Principle

It is impossible to determine accurately both the specification and the delivery date of a order before it's too late.

 

Or, to explore the Globalbot boundary conditions:

1. 'We don't know what they want, but they want it in six weeks.'

2. 'We know exactly what they want, but they've ordered it from Econodroid.'

 

21st Feb 2117

 

What does Go - Go mean to you?

Well, for Marketing, it means Stop - Go, as in 'Stop - Go decision' as applied to a new product development, except that the Stop is Marketing speak for Go.

Engineering prefer the traditional meaning of Go Go, particularly in juxtaposition with 'Dancer'.

Come to mention it, so do Marketing! (Especially when on the road).

At last we agree on something!

 

For the sake of balance, this blog must mention Stop Stop Dancers.

 

Stop Stop Dancers limber up.

 

16th Feb 2117

 

Material delivery dates for all Globalbot shipments in June are a week late.

Time for an 8D investigation!

 

Eight Disciplines Problem Solving is a method typically employed by quality engineers or other professionals.

D0: The Planning Phase: Plan for solving the problem and determine the prerequisites.

D1: Use a Team: Establish a team of people with product/process knowledge.

D2: Define and describe the Problem: Specify the problem by identifying in quantifiable terms the who, what, where, when, why, how..

D3: Developing Interim Containment Plan Implement and verify Interim Actions: Define and implement containment actions to isolate the problem from any customer.

D4: Determine and Identify and Verify Root Causes and escape points: Identify all applicable causes that could explain why the problem has occurred. Also identify why the problem has not been noticed at the time it occurred. All causes shall be verified or proved, not determined by fuzzy brainstorming. One can use 5Whys or Ishikawa Diagram to map causes against effect/Problem identified.

D5: Choose and verify Permanent Corrections (PCs) for Problem/Non Conformity: Through pre-production programs quantitatively confirm that the selected correction will resolve the problem for the customer.

D6: Implement and validate PCAs: Define and Implement the best corrective actions.

D7: Prevent recurrence/Corrective Actions: Modify the management systems, operation systems, practices, and procedures to prevent recurrence of this and all similar problems.

D8: Congratulate your Team: Recognize the collective efforts of the team. The team needs to be formally thanked by the organization.

 

This sledgehammer duly cracked the nut - Root Cause was a an extra week in May on the Pyschosoft Excel Slot Plan.

The moment of discovery: 'Hang on! Haaaang oooon! How many weeks are in May this year?'

There followed a period of 8D Team Silence.

 

13th Feb 2117

 

Domestic Stress Procedure #7801 - SNORING

 

Partner 1:  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Partner 2: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Partner 2 kicks partner 1.

Partner 1: 'Hey! What d'you kick me for?'

Partner 2: 'You were snoring.'

Partner 1: 'No I wasn't.'

After a few minutes of aggressive quilt tugging, a grumpy silence falls.

 

Partner 2:  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Partner 1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Partner 1 kicks partner 2.

Partner 2: 'Hey! What d'you kick me for?'

Partner 1: 'You were snoring.'

Partner 2: 'No I wasn't.'

After a few minutes of aggressive quilt tugging, a grumpy silence falls.

 

Repeat until the sun comes up/ the alarm goes off/ leaps out of bed in search of a machete.

 

8th Feb 2117

 

To: All Globalbot Budget Holders

From: Globalbot Finance Dept

Subject: Quarterly BVA Issued For Ops Review

 

Dear All,

Your Q4 2116 Ops BVA have now been uploaded to your Departmental Sorepoint site. Please note that, as Finance cannot currently make any sense of its own BVA, we will not be able to assist with answering any queries before Ops review ('%^&*! They're abandoning us!' yelled GAT in an ill-advised moment of naked panic). Further, I would like to clarify my earlier confusing guidance notes that turned out to be dependent on the screen resolution of your PC (they all looked fine on my PC). Remember, PCs are merely fast idiots and it is good practice to check anything that does not look correct.  ('YES, yes, but how the b^^&*$%y H$@! do you know it's wrong in the first place?) To be clear, you are expected to report on Q4 2116, the outturn of 2116 against the H2 2116 budget ('We only saw that yesterday!) and forecast variance for Q1 and Q2 2117 ('Blast, I left my crystal ball in that bar in Singapore!)

 

'And the brain in a jar we nicked from Finance died when it was PAT tested,' I added in a moment of rare sympathy.

 

3rd Feb 2117

Recent Tannoy announcements:

Zyber Borg, please contact reception.

Dalek Jaws call 4128, Dazlek Bones 4128.

Crisp Packet, please contact reception.

[rustle rustle rumble]  Please er would   . . .  er . . . call . . . . [Click]

 . . no, really? I didn't think he was the type. Who would have thought he'd do that! Oh %^&*! The mike isn't on is it? [Click]

F yourar thowner of awite beeumdubbleyou eff gee fourzero tee zed yoove leftyor litzon

 

1st Feb 2117

Excerpt from Globalbot CCTV Policy 890-375011:

  . . . blah . . blah . . blah . . employees are forbidden from mooning at any CCTV camera on site.

A few things spring to mind amongst which:

1. How would Globalbot identify the culprit?

2. It's okay for Globalbot employees moon non-company CCTV cameras?

 

26th Jan 2117

 

[Camera 1 to Question master]: Thinkbot, welcome to Mastermind.

[Camera 2 to Contestant]: Thank you, it's great to be here.

[Camera 1 to Question master]: Thinkbot, you will now have the opportunity to answer questions for two minutes on your chosen specialist subject Globalbot TroubleNet records between 2110 and 2116.

 

In TroubleNet 308911 what was it that Globabot forgot to ship?

The consumable spares.

Correct. What was considered too difficult to achieve in TNet 440190?

Snowbot manuals in Mongolian.

Correct. How many TroubleNets did Winebottling International submit in 2113?

Seven thousand four hundred and twenty six.

No, close, but sorry I can't give it to you, it was 7,462.

What was the main complaint made by Swatchbot Inc in TNet 601101?

A software glitch caused their Globalbot-built stores robots to insert a random leap-month into their materials delivery drop dead dates.

Correct. What is the longest time a TNet has been left at pending?

Eighty four years.

Correct. What happens if you attach an incorrect document to a TNet?

It stays there forever, you can't delete them.

Correct. What travel arrangements went wrong in TNet 709901?

The system booked a train ticket to Portland Dorset rather than a flight to Portland Oregon.

Correct. In TNet 445037 what was shipped in place of an out of stock item for a robot down in Taiwan?

The item's plastic Stores bin.

Correct. What was reported about a service engineer in TNet 902871?

Er . . his underpants had caught fire?

No, he'd gone native and given all his Globalbot network passwords to a customer.

 

 I eventually scored 14 with no passes. Not bad huh?

 

22nd Jan 2117

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Service Bulletins R Us

Subject: MSB405596

 

Dear All,

Please note that the following Bulletin has been released:

 

Publication

Title

Revision

Date Posted

MSB405596

Marketing Personnel Becoming Drained During Transit

Z

20/01/2117

 

Synopsis

During hypersonic transit, Marketing staff are exposed to severe risks such as free alcohol and unlimited in-flight movies whilst disconnected from more familiar corporate pastimes such as reading and writing superfluous emails and talking dramatically about nothing in particular on their mobile devices. This can result in the Marketing Engineer arriving in a semi-vegetative state of frozen panic, unable to tell the difference between a blockbuster Hollywood plot and the actual status at a typical customer site. This bulletin outlines corrective measures that can be applied, for example dousing in ice cold water, probing in sensitive areas (gloves required), or in the last resort engaging an actor to visit the customer site perchance the Factory Marketing Engineer is in an irrecoverable state.

 

18th Jan 2117

 

13th Jan 2117

      SPLATTERBOT

 

Yet another Techno-Commercial triumph today with the release of SPLATTERBOT robot control algorithms into Globalbot software R519.6.B.SP91¾.

 

What SPLATTERBOT was supposed to do:

 

Splatterbot enables users of Globalbot robots to automatically compensate for small differences in robot control systems to give identical performance across a common robot set.

(For the purposes of fooling auditors, hiding hardware faults, and a general warm feeling all round)

 

What SPLATTERBOT actually did (excerpts from actual TroubleNet reports):

 

On installing Splatterbot the robot had an epileptic fit.

 

Of the 56 packaging robots in our set, 28 stopped dead and 5 started throwing inventory into the lake.

 

THE $^&!@#*! tHING jusT KEPT On BuGling UNTIL WE STOPPED IT with a mallet

 

The robot insisted its name was 'Biggles'

 

11th Jan 2117

From: Mark Eting, VP of Convincing Illusions
Sent: 11 January 2117 11:01
To: All@Globalbot
Subject: Improved communication of Spec responses to customers

 

Dear All,

In an effort to provide clarity in our responses to customer requirements specifications for Globalbot robots a standardized colour coding system has been adopted. For specifications we definitely comply with, the response shall be written in an upbeat GREEN. Specifications we are unsure about will also be written in green - but in a slightly more sober tone thus - GREEN. For items we definitely do not meet the response shall also be in green, but with a green background to ensure the non-compliance is clear -  GREEN .

So, to be clear:

 Comply

 Comply with clarification

  Non-comply

Regards,

Mark

 

In keeping with the spirit of the whole exercise, Engineering are developing their own naturally-based colour coding system to keep track of Globalbot product maturity:

 

8th Jan 2117

# 

ECO: E30919

Class: B (Amend WIP)

Title: Add 4087114 Rabbit's foot to Master BOMs of all Globalbot robots

Reason: We need all the help we can get

Status: Hopeless

Comments: Current Global Economic Climate has caused severe rabbit shortages

 

6th Jan 2117

IT'S A COCK UP!

 

[Camera 1 to Host]: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of It's A Cock Up! where the comical antics of four multinational corporations are matched up against each other in a titanic struggle of mind-boggling ineptitude!

[Rapturous applause. Camera 3 to audience.]

[Camera 1 to Host]: On tonight's show we have Nutz & Nachos, Globalbot, Thumpers Ales and Sahara Kagools.

[Cut to scoreboard showing contestants each with a score of 0]

[Camera 1 to Host]: Remember the rules - we outline the monumental cock up made by each contestant after which they have a chance to shift blame onto some hapless third party and escape being It's a Cock Up champion via an audience vote.

 

Well that's enough of that. Suffice it to say that Globalbot's shipment of a 3-armed milk carton packaging bot to Taiwan when it should have been a 4-legged Astrobot to Peru defied all blame transfer efforts aimed at the humble supplier Airhorns-R-Us. But Nutz & Nachos efforts at mixing M6 nuts with corn flakes was tough competition, and Thumpers Ales drunken Ops Review brawl went down a treat. But as it turns out, Sahara Kagools' strategy to sell up-market rain protective clothing to the most parched regions of the planet won the round.

Not a kagool amongst them.

 

3rd Jan 2117

You do not have the correct version of Botplayer, click HERE to download the correct version.

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You do not have the correct version of Botplayer, click HERE to download the correct version.

[Click]

Download successful!

 

'I'm getting a groundhog download feeling.' groaned GAT.

'Don't give up,' I replied, 'Try it a few million times to be sure.'

 

 

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