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29th March 2115
And lo, the Manufacturites went up unto the Storites and smote their toolboxes and wailed, 'We are the Manufacturites. We hath no parts, neither before us nor behind us nor to the left of us nor to the right. Giveth unto us that which we are owed.'
'Blameth not us and flap ye not,' replied the Storites, 'for the problem lieth with the Supplierites, Vendorties, Oemites, Materialites, Purchasites and Oracalites who have all failethed to hear to the words of the prophecy of the Salites and Marketites and hath failed lamentably to foresee that which thou now desireth of us.'
'Verily verily do not give unto us that crap!' shouted the Manufacturites, 'No man taketh seriously the words of the prophecy of the Salites and Marketites.'
'And thus did the Manufacturites, Supplierites, Vendorites, Oemites, Materialites, Purchasites and Oracalites rise up as one against the Engineeringites and, entering into their land in the night, found it deserted. And the Manufacturites, Supplierites, Vendorties, Oemites, Materialites, Purchasites and Oracalites did loot the land of the Engineeringites and carried off their Holy Parts and Idols from the Temple of Demo.'
And lo, it came to pass that, at the rising of the sun, the tribe of Managerites . . .[that's enough. Ed.]
25th March 2115
ERP discussions wandered into CAD & design philosophies today:
Bottom up design Top down design
On the face of it, the top down philosophy looks the more challenging.
23rd March 2115
'What happens if we just can't agree a way forward?' asked GAT during a robust discussion on implementing TINFOE™ ERP PLM.
'We'll refer it to the executive steering committee.'
'Who's on that then? I hope they know what they talking about.'
21st March 2115
'I've learned how to manipulate the future!' exclaimed GAT happily today.
To say the least, we were all a little sceptical. I mean, he has difficulty manipulating the present (or remembering the past) so what hope for controlling the future?
'Well,' GAT explained, 'I supply a short daily report to the senior management composed of edited highlights from you lot. But, some of you are late submitting your reports, so I make something plausible up on your behalf, the seniors will never know. Then I get your late report, with useful new inputs, which I sometimes then use the next day when that day's report is also late. Of course, the seniors are now running one day behind reality, but I doubt they'll ever notice that either. In fact, I've now got it set up with two days delay, so today's report details what happened two days ago and predicts what happened yesterday as what will happen tomorrow. The illusion of being in control one can achieve is simply incredible.'
17th March 2115
ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning) comparisons continue at Globalbot.
There have been a series of run offs to create a fully configured robot BOM (Bill of Materials).
Excitement was at fever pitch when the results came in:
SLOTH SYSTEMS INC - 4 days 6 hours, 74 errors.
RAGE INDUSTRIES - 1 day 14 hours, 121 errors, 38 PC lockups
ORIBAL APPLICATIONS - Failed to complete - operator put fist through terminal
NODDY ERP CORP - 3 minutes to create 2% of BOM (Noddy is only capable of 100 part numbers).
LOST SOLUTIONS - Inconclusive. Operator claimed BOM had been created but search function failed to relocate it.
CRIPEL PLM - 3 days 11 hours, a cumulative total of which was 47 hours spent waiting for the screen to refresh.
POSTIT & HILIGHTERS - 17 minutes (including a trip to the canteen to purchase cup of tea). 0 errors.
13th March 2115
Globalbot Launches Half-Baked™
Range of Robots
Robo-Reuters: Wednesday 13th March 2115
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Glabolrot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today launched its Half-Baked™ range of robots.
'We are pleased with this launch,' commented Graham Cracker, CEO of Globolbat, 'which anticipates a product that might be available at some point in the future.'
'Launching a product this early in its lifecycle is a world first for Globalbot,' stated Mark Eting, VP of Marketing. 'In the past companies have often waited until after the product is defined, and some have even waited until one is built and tested! Today's announcement sets a new gold standard for premature corporate operations.''
When asked when the first units would be available GAT, Director of Robot Engineering, commented, 'I've no idea what you're talking about. We haven't got a design brief yet.'
Safe Harbor: This press release should never have been issued and may cause Globalbot shares to fall sharply. On the other hand, savvy investors may recognise that Globalbot is now pursuing a policy of launching nothing, from which one can at least deduce that the Half-Baked range cannot fail as it does not yet exist. For further commentary on the implications of this scenario, contact Corporate Philosophy Inc. for fully inconclusive lack of guidance on this non-matter.
11th March 2115
The customer sent:
To: Globalbot Service; Globalbot Tech Support
We require Globalbot to develop a third leg option for an All-Terrain Unibot.
Globalbot Service Replied:
From: Globalbot Service
cc: Globalbot Tech Support
Yes, we will comply as required free of charge in 4-6 weeks.
Globalbot Tech Support Replied:
From: Globalbot Tech Support
cc: Globalbot Service
Sorry, we are not able to offer this option at this time nor any time in the future. We do not consider it commercially viable and would take 4-6 years to implement.
8th March 2115
Globalbot Risk Assessment
Title: Attending Health & Safety Committee Meeting
1. Losing consciousness
2. Falling off chair
3. Attacking chairman with a machete
4. Mental stress from making any sort of H&S-related joke
1. Don't attend
2. Take you own bean bag to sit in
3. Leave machete with front desk security
4. Hip flask
5. None known
3rd March 2115
Life at the Globalbot Equipment Level:
ECR 0550063859691 has (sadly) been routed to you for your review and (probable dis)approval.
Description of Change:
RECENTLY THE 37W SHROUD WAS CHANGED TO SUIT THE STANDARD THREAD ON THE ROBOT WHICH
IT DID, BUT NOW IN DOESN'T, AGAIN. THE PROBLEM IS THE STANDARD THREAD APPEARS
TO HAVE CHANGED BACK AGAIN TO THE OTHER STANDARD WHICH NOW MEANS THAT THE
OTHER STANDARD THREAD DOES NOT FIT
(Hang on a minute, remind me, which is the standard thread again?)
WHEN WE HAD THE INITIAL PROBLEM I SUGGESTED THAT WE CHANGE THE
D TYPE POST FITTED TO THE ROBOT FOR THE STANDARD THREADED POSTS (Yes, yes, but which one?),
BUT THIS WAS DEEMED A NONE STARTER (sic) BECAUSE IF A CUSTOMER WERE TO BUY THERE (sic) OWN
NONE STANDARD (sic) REPLACEMENT SUPPLY THEN OUR STANDARD LOOMS WOULD NOT FIT.
(Are you still conscious?)
Reason for Change: STANDARD LOOM ONCE AGAIN WILL NOT FIT STANDARD ROBOT.
(Having completed my review, I suspect this is a certainty whatever action we take.)
1st March 2115
Getting close to annual appraisal time! Percy Knell told us we all need to:
Identify SMART Objectives (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timebound)
suppose as an acronym it's irresistible: :
SMART: Submarine Modernization
and Alterations Requirements Tool
SMART: Swinger and Magnetic Analyzer with a Rotator and Twister
SMART: State of Missouri Alcohol Responsibility Training
SO SMART: Sex Offender Sentencing, Monitoring, Apprehending,. Registering, and Tracking
I might submit these as my SMART objectives and see what happens, except what's likely is that Percy will set himself a SMART objective of greasing my path towards a rapid exit from the company.
27th Feb 2115
New corporate policy on graphs issued today. From now on the source data is to be limited to single point. This means that any line in the mathematical universe can be readily fitted.
Globalbot have submitted a patent application on this thrilling new concept.
25th Feb 2115
Globalbot Launches Floorbot™
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 25th February 2115
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today launched Floorbot™, an automated storage system for teenagers' bedrooms.
'We are pleased with this launch into the buoyant teenage market,' commented Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot. 'The Floorbot™ is compatible with just about any teenager's budget and, being powered by gravity, has very low running costs.'
'Breaking into the disgraceful tip sector is a big step forward for Globalbot,' stated Mark Eting, VP of Marketing, 'Prior to the development of this technology teenagers had to manage their floor storage operations by manually emptying the contents of drawers and cupboards themselves.'
The first Floorbots™ recently appeared in major department stores where they immediately pulled all the clothes off the sales racks and trashed the kitchen department.
Safe Harbor: This press release contains total codswallop which may or may not be related to the recent inexplicable dive in the Globalbot share price. Nobody really knows. This fall in share price may have been due to the company launching a gravitationally powered product which precipitated a sell off by major shareholders also holding stock in the helium balloon and hot air sectors. Although irrational, it is difficult to see how the information contained in this press release could land us in court, so we're pretty happy with it.
18th Feb 2115
Globalbot Launches Puddlebot™
Range of Domestic Aqua-Compatible Droids
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 18th February 2115
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today launched Puddlebot™, a domestic version of their (allegedly) highly successful Ocean-going Atlantic Swellbot™.
'We are thrilled with this new wet business penetration,' commented Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, 'The Puddlebot™ is affordable to even the most modest domestic budget and is admirably suited to splashing its way down the road on a rainy day to get a pint of milk or whatever.'
'Breaking into the Wellybot sector is a big step forward for Globalbot,' stated Mark Eting, VP of Marketing, 'Prior to the development of this technology people had to invest in waterproofs.'
The first Puddlebots™ recently appeared on the shelves of major department stores where they were totally ignored by mystified consumers.
Safe Harbor: This press release contains information that should result in every reader rushing to buy Globalbot shares. Clearly, share prices can only go up not down, and investors are requested to sit tight once the price has plateaued to allow Globalbot Executives sufficient time to exercise their options. In the likely event of a slump in Globalbot shares go to your local consumer store and push all the Puddlebots™ over.
14th Feb 2115
Got handed the above today at Globalbot.
Charming! - 'And a Happy Valentine's day to you as well!' I snapped at the drained looking Materials buyer.
Shortages must be really severe if they're contemplating re-using some of my dented and corroding sub-assemblies.
'You'd better watch your back,' advised Doom, 'I fear you might be in line to be unexpectedly scrapped.'
11th Feb 2115
8th Feb 2115
From: S. Ales
Subject: Huge local sales opportunity
I've had a heads up that the old Severn Bridge is likely to collapse at any time and that the government might issue a multi-billion Globo contract to deal with the aftermath. Apparently, the main cables are slowly rusting and need replacing but this is considered impractical.
But! I've been thinking. Can you imagine a scenario where three large robots could hold the bridge up and replace the cables?
I've already got a name for the project - Seven Big Bots (SBB) so that's one show stopper out of the way.
Corporate Sales, Large Bots Group
'Where's the diary?' demanded GAT, 'Has April the first come early?' before rattling his keyboard in reply.
Subject: [Re:] Huge local sales opportunity
Yes, I can imagine it.
4th Feb 2115
TINFOE™ ERP PLM
First Contact with new IT system for Globlabot.
Blah blah . . . FIFO . . . dashboard . . .Plan-to-Produce . . .drill down . . . blah blah . . . Slug-to-Monkey . . .Design-to-Deploy . . . Ellen . . . multitask . . . five dimensional ledger . . . workflow engine . . . pencil icon . . .project . . . Brain-to-CAD . . . Phantom data field . . Coffee break . . .LIFO . . . blah blah . . .MAUC . . . blah blah . . . locality analysis . . . Order-to-Cash . . . Monkey-to-human . . . Procure-to-Pay . . . ERP . . . BURP
Afterwards GAT was asked if he could spend 4 days a week on the implementation. His reply?
'Well, I'd be unconscious after about half a day, so it depends on whether the company is okay with me spending 3˝ days a week in a coma.'
2nd Feb 2115
Exhaustive analysis has shown that the best strategies in order of organisational success are:
1. Promote people/robots at random
2. Promote the worst people/robots
3. Promote the best people/robots
i.e. the worst people to promote are the best people.
Example: Robofootballer Wain Baloney.
Next time he scores a hatrick - for crying out loud - make him a manager!
Alternatively pick someone out of the crowd at random like this ageing geyser:
29th Jan 2115
Another Fine Globalbot Engineering Change!
From: CRIPEL PLM
Sent: 28 January 2115 08:38:03.3737
Subject: ECO E20532 has been moved to Released status of Modified NEW ECO workflow A workflow.
ECO E20532 has been moved by PLMBOT 21784 from Final Review to Released for
the Modified NEW ECO Workflow A workflow A workflow A.
Change Category: Class 3 - make, work, WIP, mfg/spares stock
Description of Change:
5975202 ALAPHA GUAGE SHEILD TUBEGROT PYHTON ADDLED MINEBOOT
Reason for Change:
ADD 0.5 CHAMFER TO
EETHER END OF
SWELLING FROM BLASTING.
SEE MARKED UP DRAWINg
Comments from Change Controller: Just cAn't get the staff
Notification Bulletin Required: Pointless - it would be incomprehensible.
27th Jan 2115
Classic Venn: Constraint A + Constraint B + Constraint C = Solution
Audi Venn: Constraint A + Constraint B means no chance for C & D
Olympic Venn: As for Audi except you can't get E either even though rings are staggered vertically.
Globalbot Venn (typical): Constraint A means you can't have anything else & so forth.
For example a robot that digs trenches, flies at supersonic speeds, and manufactures bubble gum.
Lesson? The existence of a Product Specification does not automatically mean the product can exist.
Of course, as some clever dick will point out that if we invoke imaginary numbers (as in i or √-1) then the constraints overlap in imaginary space. The Engineering response to this is quite straightforward - the finished product already exists in imaginary space, we just need to figure out how to beam it out.
Next Week: Fishbone Diagrams
Equipment needed: Filleting knife, one whole lemon, oilskins & face mask.
25th Jan 2115
After a particularly unlikely win by Cardiff City Drwyds FC last weekend, scoring two goals in the 93rd and 93˝th minutes, GAT and his cronies staged an exhaustive investigation.
'Somebody's got lucky underpants on, come on, who is it?'
'I think it's me!' claimed GAT:
Dream on . . . who needs lucky underpants with a body like that?
21st Jan 2115
Domestic brainstorm with the family today after Opal came home with an assignment to think of a fresh new alternative to 'Think out of the box'.
GAT wasn't much help, 'They're always thinking outside the box at Globalbot as the box is always a shortage.'
And Mike could only offer visual encouragement.
Which led to some philosophical debate on the nature of the brain and mind, & whether a brain outside a box is a meaningful concept and, indeed a brain inside a box and even a skull, which some would consider a form of box.
'How about thinking outside the skull?' Gerald offered before being asked to leave.
Eventually Opal settled on 'Paradigm Punter'
No no no, wrong sort of punt!
That's more like it.
PS In a moment of pure office horror, Globalbot admin employees realise the box is real:
'Panicking inside the box' No chance of a pizza delivery. (Well quantum-tunnelling pizzas maybe, but you normally can't get them with anchovies. Hang on, yes, I'm doing it - I'm paradigm punting!)
Next week: How to smash through the glass ceiling without needing stitches in multiple head wounds.
17th Jan 2115
2010 A Spares Oddity
Spares had the part in stock before the first field failure.
Too far-fetched for me; I think a plot has to be believable to make a good film.
14th Jan 2115
Customer conference call time!
BING BONG ' has joined the conference call.;
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz click click click Hello . . Hello tick tick tick PHUT!
BING BONG ' has left the conference call.;
BING BONG ' has joined the conference call.;
CLICK Can you hear us? Hello, hello
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ovaltine . . . . . elephant . . .
BING BONG ' has left the conference call.;
BING BONG ' has joined the conference call.;
GAT 'Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! Why can't these %$^&ing imbeciles get hold of a decent phone!
$%^&!! Is it on mute?'
BING BONG ' has left the conference call.;
Permanently I would have thought.
9th Jan 2115
From: Stephen Ales
To: Globalbot Engineering
May I remind you that all pricing decisions for Globalbot product lines, upgrade kits, and uptime, consumable, strategic spares, etc, lies solely with the Sales Group. Under no circumstances are engineers to make up, guess, amend prices on the spot for any Globalbot customer; only Sales personnel have the right to do this, assisted by the Untechnical Marketing Group.
Also, can I remind you of the Globalbot pricing structure and bands:
1. Belly Up
This is where a customer has Globalbot on the ropes. Usual result is a zero cost internal PO (0 Globo)
2. Skin of Teeth
This is where sales and service have ducked and dived magnificently to get off the ropes just long enough to land one punch that enables a cost-neutral quotation.
Starting at list, this is the final price quoted - the mystical 'final offer', although there can be many interim final offers before reaching the final final offer. The process of arriving at the final offer is fully undocumented and resides only in the neural pathways of Sales Group personnel.
This is the price according to the fully documented Globalbot formula based on material, labour, service, warranty & install costs. It is largely irrelevant and never used in the real world of Sales.
5. Golden Opportunity
This is where Globalbot has the customer on the ropes and can quote a truly obscene price. I know it is a rare event, but does occur maybe once or twice a decade, so it is important these are indentified early to stop the inevitable progressive rot back towards band #1 as above.
VP Globalbot Universal Sales Group
6th Jan 2115
Scene: Large gathering of Globalbot VPs twiddling their highly paid thumbs while attractive blonde PA tries to get a Pyschosoft® Powerpunt™ presentation to run.
Feeling the pressure, the blonde gives everyone an update on progress - 'It's %^&!! Oh @#gg+$!.'
Luckily the VP of IT is present, 'Let me help,' he kindly offers.
Thump thump thump!
Even the temporary IT part time schoolboy, who is the least of the least in the IT dept, but strangely knows the most about PCs and Networks, is stumped.
As a final resort, someone even suggested asking the Pyschosoft® helpdog.
'Well, well, that's strange. Never seen that before. Have you tried restarting the PC?'
One by one the VPs attention spans popped and they started wandering off and comparing their share option plans.
2nd Jan 2115
Happy New Year readers!
To illustrate that we've spent too much time watching Sci-Fi films this holiday, I will today re-address that age old question: Why do aliens always abduct Americans?
Americans constitute 3% of the world population, but account for 97% of reported abductions.
And the answer is . . . ? Um, er . .
Even then there are levels of alien credibility:
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