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31st March 2119

 

Globalbot Launches INVISIBLE™
Robo-Reuters: Friday 31st March 2119

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has purchased the INVISIBLE™ sales management tool from the international software midget Hoogot Plastered Inc. 'This is a monumental step forward for Globalbot,' commented CEO Graham Cracker, 'INVISIBLE is a self-contained system which only Sales personnel can log onto and communicate with themselves.' GAT, director of DIRT Engineering added 'We used to get cc'ed on all sorts of random emails and it was almost impossible to figure out what was going on, but now we know we know nothing and therefore anticipate a major improvement in productivity.' Industry pundits were inclined to agree and Globalbot shares rose sharply by 0.0005% before the close.

Safe Harbor Statement: [See The Guardian]  

 

24th March 2119

           

 

WARNING! Some Robots May be Harmful to All Life on Earth  CONTINUE  Y   N

WARNING! Some Robots May Cause Civilisation Collapse  CONTINUE  Y   N

WARNING! Some Robots May be reporting directly to MI5  CONTINUE  Y   N

WARNING! Some Robots May be reporting to Edward Snowden  CONTINUE  Y   N

WARNING! All Robot operating code is full of bugs some of which may result in unfortunate incidents with chainsaws  CONTINUE  Y   N

Hell's bells! This is tedious.

WARNING! Some Robots use Pyschosoft™ Operating Systems  CONTINUE (at your own risk)  Y   N

Hey! Where'd it get that chainsaw from?

What! Help! Help! Run!

 

23rd March 2119

 

B^&%&y H#{{!  How do I log off?

NO! I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

20th March 2119

                      Meet the New Sales Team

 

 

From: Corporate Adminbot

To: Everybody

cc: Everybody else

Subject: Roll out of ARSE

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear All,

I am pleased to announce the roll out of Globalbot's state of the art Automated Robotic Sales Executive (ARSE) system.

This will replace the human sales operation with immediate effect.

Globalbot thanks the sales team for all its efforts including the odd PO here and there, the occasional sign-off and even knowing the spec of what they'd sold once in a blue moon. Under normal circumstances I'd ask you to wish the incoming ARSE team well, but don't bother as they're robots. Anyway the plan is to replace all of you with robotic sub-systems in the medium to long term. Yes, even the prize pricks in Engineering.

 

12th March 2119

    GLOBALBOT UNPALATABLE ™ 

 

GAT stared in disbelief at the robot's logo plate, 'But . . but . . .it's . . .'

The Tech Pubs engineer was having none of it, 'It's what Cracker wanted, look.'

 

From: Graham Cracker

To: Marketing

cc: Logo Dept

Subject: RE: Product Brand Name for Chainsawautobotochopomatic

________________________________________________________________________

Gentlemen,

Let me make myself clear - the proposed name for the above product is UNPALATABLE.

Regards,

Graham Cracker

President, CEO, COO, DSO & Bar, Head Tiger, etc.

 

9th March 2119

 

4th March 2119

Automated quote configurator roll out (cont.)

'A Marketeer is an engineer who believes their own propaganda.'

'How do we turn it off?'

'Globalbot has market-leading expertise in failed initiatives.'

'Dunno, can we lock it in a cupboard?'

'Attain high shareholder satisfaction without offering free sex.'

'Look, it has a HR setting.'  CLICK

'We are HR, you are the company, we are you and you are us, together we are the company, we are us, the company is us, and together we'll be as one  . . .

[canned applause & cheering, with Elgar's Nimrod playing in the background]

 

2nd March 2119

Automated quote configurator roll out.

'Globalbot will leverage its synergies over a broad front.'

'What did it say?'

'Strategic deployment of headless gerbil kangaroo teams.'

'Huh? I thought this thing was supposed to configure robot sales quotes?'

'Digbots can lift the equivalent of two full size Olympic elephants.'

'Oo-er, I think it's configuring the wrong sort of quotes.'

'Globalbot expects every robot to do its duty.'

'This won't go down well at Ops review.'

'I'm living the dream.'

 

23rd February 2119

'How do I get to the Care Assessment Unit?' GAT asked the Heath Hospital Adminbot.

 

'Go through the double doors down the corridor take the third right then the second left and through the double doors and take the fourth left and through the double doors at the end of the corridor then turn left and take the second right , the Unit is then through three sets of double doors on the left .'

 

He didn't find it before visiting time had expired . . .

 

19th February 2119

 

SOUNDALIKES

 

     

              Furbies                                 Salesmen

 

Salesman:  'Have you hyper-aligned the algorithm for the integrated Jengabot?'

Engineer:  'Have I what?'

Salesman:  'The advanced Jengabot algorithm that we've been discussing at the sales conference.'

Engineer:  'I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.'

Salesmad:  'THE INTEGRATED JENGABOT ALGORITHM!'

 

Later, the engineer reflected, 'They're just like Furbies, leave them in a group for a while and they create their own nonsensical language.'

 

14th February 2119

    

 

GAT cursed as he pulled into the Waitrose car park . It was much busier than he expected, and all he needed was some yoghurt. Leaving his car some distance away he trudged through the rain, his feet getting wet as cold water seeped through the holes in his battered Converse All Stars. He became vaguely aware of an unusual number of desperate looking men rushing around and inside the shop there was an almighty scrum around the flower racks.

'Losers!' he thought to himself as he battled his way through the bizarrely crowded stationery aisle towards the yoghurts.

'Why do some men feel so insecure they have to buy flowers for their partners every week?' he quipped to the freckly teenager at the till.

'But sir, it's . . . '

GAT imagined he could hear the Doppler effect in the kids voice as he clutched his yoghurt and rushed off.

 

Arriving home, gagging for a beer, he meandered into the front room where his eyes were drawn to a red envelope marked simply 'GAT xxx' propped up against a pristine bottle of 15 year old Laphroaig. A look of naked terror spread over his face as he mouthed 'OH &*$@!', turned 180o in mid air, and ran back out of the house . . . . .

 

12th February 2119

 

Globalbot Field Service Bulletin GFSB 78-400056

                                                           

Problem:  Globabot service personnel keep talking to the monkey.

 

Solution:  Personnel need to identify and talk with the organ grinder.

Refer to pictorial guide below.

 

         

Fig 1. Monkey                 Fig 2. Organ Grinder

 

Note: Images are not the same scale

 

 

Maybe not, but I can believe they've got the captions reversed.

 

9th February 2119

Operations Review Preparation (aka Don't Panic)

'Remember to report on your actions from the last review!' bellowed Graham Cracker at his underlings, including GAT.

The trouble is that the actions are taken down and issued by the Adminbot . . .

 . . . and don't always make sense.

 

92.  Ensure the production rear-end bots are sauced in Renaissance format - GAT

93.  Accrue all artichokes & reverse costs looking forward - GAT

94.  Estimate the virtual mean time between selling the training bots - GAT

 

Um, er, well I think I understand 94, that's because time can't flow backwards in Pyschosoft.

But 92 & 93  . . .

 

2nd February 2119

BOTLEYS BANK

Complaint: 207757689GH56-KL78

Complainant: GAT

Subject: Monthly Statements

 

Last month I complained as Botleys, for some reason beyond comprehension, amended my bank statements to start and finish on a random dates in the month. I talked with a Botleys operative on the phone who agreed to reset my statements to run from first to last day of the month as had been the case previously.

Hey! Guess what? I received my January statement which ran from 1st to the, wait for it, 30th. This mind-boggling incompetence makes me suspicious of the abilities of the average Botleys operative who does not seem to know January has 31 days. I dread to think when February's statement will run to - 2nd March maybe? Is the concept of 'monthly statements' beyond Botleys' IQ limits?

 

30th January 2119

 

More problems with GAT and surveybots, this time the mobile variety.

'Please can I ask you some questions about coffee?'

'I don't drink coffee.'

'Thank you for your answer. If you did drink coffee what type would you drink? Americano, Latte, Espresso, Cappuccino or Mocha?'

'@#&* off'

'That's a great answer which will be deeply valued by our market analysts.'

 

'Please can I ask you some questions about Vendbots?'

'No, I never use Vendbots.'

'Thank you for your answer. If you did use a Vendbot what typed of savoury snack - '

THWACK!

'Attention! Attention! SurveyBot down.'

 

25th January 2119

 

Congratulations! You have been carefully selected to complete the Globalbot employee survey.

 

If you were able to time travel into the future, would you:

 O   Look at next week's Manufacturing Slot Plan

 O   Look at next week's Lottery numbers

 O   Don't know

 

In the highly unlikely event you have a world-beating idea for a revolutionary robot technology and submit a patent application, who then owns your brain?

 O   Globalbot

 O   The patent attorney

 O   The World Patent Office

 O   The Brain Donation Trust

 

In the highly likely event a Globalbot customer does something wholly inappropriate with a Globalbot-built robot, disabling all interlocks, ignoring all software alarms and disregarding all safety warnings in the manuals, resulting in multiple casualties and possible civilisation collapse, whose fault do you think it would be?

 O   Globalbot's

 O   Globalbot's

 O   Globalbot's

 O   Globalbot's

 

Your BVA looks horrible, at least 20% overspent and you don't know why, at the Operations Review would you:

 O   Present the data as-is with plausible, but entirely fictional, reasons for the overspend

 O   Present the data as-is and explain you're clueless, but speak in Welsh

 O   Present someone else's BVA, preferably one with a ~ 1% underspend.

 O   Relocate to Mexico the day before & delegate a sub-manager to present.

 

At your next appraisal what grade are you aiming for, on a scale of 1-5 where 1 is Superhuman and 5 the abilities of an Amoeba (but possibly vice versa):

 O   3.0994363+

 O   3.0994363-

 O   6 (or 0 if vice versa)

 O   Mostly sunny with a few showers

 

23rd January 2119

 

'Operations are asking for vanilla bombs again.'

'Oo! Oo! Can I throw them at them this time? Ohhh please, pleeease.'

 

Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!

Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!

 

17th January 2119

It's that time of year again!

KPI's, Pareto charts, what went wrong in 2118 and how do we avoid the same cock-ups in 2110?

First up, the Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology TEA CLUB Pareto:

 

 

Analysis

Most out of milk incidents occurred when responsible numbskull failed to handover status to next numbskull, or dunderhead went on holiday oblivious to the rota.

Teaspoons were found to be quantum objects capable of teleporting into outer space or even the dishbot.

Biscuit fiend was never caught & wiring up 230V to the tin failed to deter; now looking for overweight engineer wearing rubber boots.

In spite of frequent user surveys, tea club purchasing operatives persisted in buying excess ginger nuts and even on one dreadful occasion a packet of Oreos.

'I thought there was a new box on the shelf' was most frequently used lame excuse for teabag crises.

'I don't drink coffee' is not an acceptable response.

Robot cleaner reprogrammed to eliminate tin sarcasm such as 'Have we had the chimps in again?' and 'We're not licensed for biological weapons development.'

Oops, maybe we should have got the kettle PAT tested.

Apparently there were no sugar-related incidents reported. This has tentivately been attributed to GAT announcing, 'Anyone found putting sugar into their drinks won't be eligible for a pay rise.' This criminalisation of sugar users has driven the practice underground. 

 

Conclusion

Most problems can be temporarily overcome by accessing anything marked up as 'Marketing'. 

 

12th January 2119

4707792 Back Foot

Stock on hand: 0

Allocated: 952

Free physical stock: -952 

 

12 days into 2119 & Globabot is already on the back foot, except there are no back feet in stock.

'Where are they?'

'Gone for rework.'

 

 

'Can we at least check we've got enough rope for the quarter?'

 

 

3rd January 2119

 

30th December 2118

 

                                            ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM

                        OPTIMISM?

                                               --------- O --- O --- O ---------

                                                    YOU DON'T KNOW?

                                               --------- O --- O --- O ---------

THEN ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

1 - ARE YOU PRONE TO INEXPLICABLE CHEERFULNESS WHILST IN THE FACTORY?

2 - DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING THAT ALL IS GOING WELL FOR GLOBALBOT?

3 - DO YOU THINK THAT GLOBALBOT REALLY IS THE LEADING ROBOTICS SUPPLIER ON THE PLANET?

4 - DO YOU BELIEVE THE 2119 SALES PLAN?

5 - DO YOU HAVE AN UNSHAKABLE CONFIDENCE IN THE MANAGEMENT TEAM?

IF YOU ANSWER IS 'YES' TO ANYONE OF THESE QUESTIONS THEN YOU ARE IN THE CLUTCHES OF THAT DREAD DISEASE

                                    WE CAN CURE YOU

OUR 3-DAY COURSE WILL EFFECTIVELY ERADICATE ALL TRACES  OF HOPE FROM YOUR SYSTEM

TAILORED COURSES OFFERED BY [INSERT DEPARTMENT NAME

 

21st December 2118

 

Christmas preparations following the usual pattern - Helen obsessed with long lists of things to do, and grumpy GAT lecturing anyone who'll listen (and stay awake) on his radical idea about introducing a 'Leap Christmas' every four years.

 

19th December 2118

 

Christmas jumper day at Globalbot.

GAT encountered a colleague in the tea room and jauntily said, 'Nice Christmas jumper!'

The colleague looked bewildered and replied, 'It's not a Christmas jumper.'

Oops.

 

15th December 2118

 

11th December 2118

                  

The Curse of the Versabot

'Please help me,' whined the Manufacturing Engineer (ME) standing forlornly in the Marketing area.

No response. Everyone concentrating on their laptops, desktops, palmtops, wooden tops, in fact anything that meant they could avoid eye contact.

The ME trudged despondently onwards into Engineering, 'Can anyone help me with a Versabot build spec?'

This plea was greeted with a scuttling sound as engineers retreated into dark recesses in their cubicles.

The ME started to cry.

 

The Creed of the Versabot

There was an important spec to be created and input was needed from everybody.
But everybody was sure somebody else would start the ball rolling.
Anybody could have bits of it, but nobody did any of it.
Somebody got angry about that because bits of the Versabot was everybody's product but the Versabot itself was nobody's product; and nobody wasn't interested.
Everybody thought somebody would do something, but everybody had a silent understanding nobody would do anything.
It ended up that everybody blamed somebody for doing nothing when actually nobody had any intention of doing anything.

 

5th December 2118

Rank the following in descending order of terror:

           Daleks                                The Borg                                   Auditors                        Spiders

 

'AUDITORS! Where? When? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!'

 

                     

Traumatized engineers await post-audit counselling.

 

2nd December 2118

   OR   ?

Is the 2119 departmental budget more akin to Impressionism or part of the pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood?

Monet or Millais?

A wild splash of colour conveying an scene of no great import, or fine brushwork detailing a story of epic proportions?

(What's he talking about?   Dunno, I think he's lost it.)

 

28th November 2118

360o Review in Three Easy Steps

 

First, decide if review is to be horizontal or vertical & select appropriate equipment:

 or 

 

Second, convert 360o into radians:

 

Third, draw conclusions and action plan:

 

27th November 2118

  

 

A blood-curdling scream fractured the air of the Globalbot open plan office. Some stood, inadvertently doing meerkat impersonations as they strained to see the origin, which turned out to be the Manufacturing VP.

'A critical Globabot robot air freight shipment has been bumped' GAT informed us.

'Did that really justify the screaming?' asked one engineer.

'Well, maybe, the shipment was bumped by a crate of sprouts.'

 

20th November 2118

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Tiger Team Update

 

Dear All,

Due to a chronic shortage of tigers, other cat variants will be used to fill out the team rosters:

 

 

And reserves will be identified & trained up:

 

17th November 2118

 

Globalbot Launches PERSPIRA™
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 17th November 2118

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has launched the PERSPIRA™ range of hard working robots. 'Hard work defines this product right the way through from product conception to mass production,' commented Mark Eting, VP of Pan-Galactic Product Marketing, 'At every stage it's been like dealing with a recalcitrant teenager - it took Engineering over 18 months just to get the prototype to stop eating crisps and stand up.' Bewildered industry analysts observed that getting any definitive product data was, fittingly, hard work, and were of a view that once purchased, the PERSPIRA™ might be a bit reluctant to do anything the customer might have bought it for.

 

8th November 2118

 

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Prime Communibot

Subject: New Cranial Direct Phone System

 

We are the process of replacing the incomprehensible softphone telephony service with a new Mindmeld™ solution supplied by TB (The Borg).  This solution will assimilate the business into core functionality of the Borg Unified Telepathic Telephonic (BUTT) platform, removing the requirement to communicate across the entire business.

 

Key aspects:

Everyone will know what you are thinking

You will know what everyone else is thinking

You won't know what you are thinking

Customers will wonder what Globalbot is thinking

Auto detect of unexpected supplier thinking

Think Like Me call routing, with the ability to transfer calls between brains seamlessly

Ability to write & type without using you hands (or feet)

Fully mentalised canteen pre-ordering of toast, eggs, black pudding, beans etc. before you even realise you are hungry

Based on a resilient infrastructure for stability and quality of service (although this assumes rather a lot about your brain)

In preparation, we will be installing implants directly into the Broca's area and primary auditory cortex of your brain in the coming days (please sit still while this is in progress).

 

If you have any questions or concerns related to the above, or would like further information, just remember that Resistance is Futile,

Regards,

 

Prime Communibot

 

'Quick! QUICK! TIN HATS ON NOW!!'

 

 

2nd November 2118

 

'Tiger teams? Isn't that an oxymoron? Tigers are solitary creatures, especially Bungle tigers.'

'Never mind about that, how should we go about setting them up?'

'Well, first thing is to get everyone a tiger onesie.'

 

 

'How long will that take?'

'Well, if we had a Globalbot credit card we could get them today from Onesies-R-Us, but we haven't, so we'll have to order through Oribal so it'll be 14-16 weeks.'

 

(Shouldn't that be Bengal tiger not Bungle tiger? - ed.)

 

24th October 2118

 

'I'd be happy to take a 2 hour lunch break if it was in the interests of the company' announced the European Spares Director Norbert Stoick (aka No Stock). This was in the middle of a long and convoluted discussion on individual personnel adding value to the business and have no idea how the above conclusion was drawn as I wasn't paying attention. However the Asian Spares Director Rong Wun was, and thought he said a 2 minute lunch break so rushed off to the buffet with Asiatic urgency.

 

20th October 2118

 

 

Perceptive comment of the day goes to GAT, who, after a day of trying to figure out a rambling multi-robot build spec, summed up the situation as, 'The customer wants to buy a banana but Globalbot sales are trying to sell them a fruit shop'.

 

13th October 2118

 

Five hours into a long overdue review of risk assessments.

 

Risk Assessment:  14102

Description:             Risk of having no idea what we're talking about

Likelihood:               Almost certain

Consequences:       Anything from Insignificant to Severe

Control Measures:  Work in total silence

 

'But that's .  .'

'Shhhhhh!'

 

Risk Assessment:  14103

Description:             Risk that there are risks we haven't thought of

Likelihood:               Almost certain

Consequences:       Anything from Insignificant to Severe

Control Measures:  Outsource thinking function

 

 

9th October 2118

 

'Where have all the Marketing people gone?'

'Er, they're in a meeting planning next year. Did you need to ask them something?'

'Yes, I was wondering if they knew what's happening tomorrow. But I guess we'll just find out when we get there.'

'A bit like next year then.'

 

3rd October 2118

 

Vacancy:        Field Service Philosopher

Reports to:     VP of Globalbot Global Support (VoGGS)

Location:        Filton with frequent pan-galactic travel

Salary:            Probably

 

Primary Purpose of Role and Key Responsibilities

By the power of pure reason alone persuade unhappy customers that whatever Globalbot has supplied was in fact what the customer ordered and, moreover, that it is exactly what the customer needs, thus achieving final sign off without the usual prolonged angst-ridden thrashing around.

 

Qualifications & Experience

At minimum a PhD in Philosophy and 10 years experience of working with robots.

Deep thinker with ability to grind down a typical customer 'Mr Angry'.

Ability to work remotely in total isolation without any support from the Factory whatsoever.

 

Key Behavioural Competencies

Able to communicate effectively particularly with those not interested in reciprocating.

Inflexible and highly motivated with a strong 'hands off' approach.

 

   

 

1st October 2118

 

Globalbot Unlaunches 'Advanced Bunglebot™'
Robo-Reuters: Saturday 1st October 2118

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has unlaunched its supposedly state of the art Advanced Bunglebot™.

'We are totally bewildered by the Advanced Bunglebot™ situation,' admitted Mark Eting, VP of Corporate Communications, 'The Globalbot Product Marketing Roadmap clearly states it should have been ready.' Industry analysts commented that any organisation that believes its own roadmaps gets what it deserves. 'We're still working on the Alpha Newbot MkIV,' stated GAT, Director of Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology (DIRT) Group, 'It keeps blowing fuses and we don't know why.' When asked why DIRT call it the Newbot MkIV rather than Advanced Bunglebot he replied, 'Well it's actually a Buglebot, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to tell Corporate Communications. I'm not sure what they thought a Bunglebot actually was, but as luck would have it I think that's what we're developing.'

 

29th September 2118

'The thermal model predicts that the bot's processor was running at 500,000oC just before it melted down.'

'I'm not so sure . . . '

'Why not?'

'Well, for a start, the model also predicts my cup of tea to be 500,000oC.'

 

 

23rd September 2118

 

Quarter 3 revenue is looking a bit thin, so Globalbot is open to any suggestions for edging it up a bit.

'Issue a press release saying the Virgin Mary appeared over one of our demo robots. Millions of people will pay good money to visit the scene.'

 

19th September 2118

 

Dear Colleagues,

In keeping with our perceived position in the grand scheme of things, and in recognition of our mostly positive droid management practices here at Globalbot, the Company has decided to apply for the Investors in Robots Award.

Investors in Robots has an automated framework against which the Company will be assessed.  The assessment will take the form of a series of memory sticks rammed into random site droids to check they haven't been kicked, plugged into an unprotected 3 phase mains, cruelly powered down, or any of a number other dubious practices in breach of the UCN Charter of Robotic Rights.

Globalbot IT will be holding a series of IIR sessions to inform you of how to wipe offending material from the site droid data drives prior to the assessment, and HR will also offer 'Hug A Droid' training to any who needs it.

In the meantime please do hesitate to contact your manager or the Admin Department if you have any questions.

Kind Regards

ADMINBOT

 

I have a funny feeling that wiping the droid data drives may in itself breach the UCN Charter of Robotic Rights.

I also suspect we all need Hug A Droid training.

Have you any idea how one goes about droid hugging?

And presumably, for it to be any use, we need to hug them after they've had their memories wiped.

 

13th September 2118

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Mark Eting, VP Marketing

Subject: Globalbot Wins Prestigious Award

Dear All,

It gives me great pleasure to announce that the paper 'Identifying Homotopy Classes of Trajectories for Robot Exploration and Path Planning' by our world class Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology (DIRT) Engineering Team has won the best paper award at the forthcoming prestigious  ROBOTICS SCIENCE AND SYSTEMS  Conference in San Diego, California. In keeping with the gravitas of this award it has been decided that the entire Globalbot Marketing Team will travel to San Diego to present the paper and to receive the award at the 7-course gala dinner.

 

'Treachery!' - GAT was not impressed.

 

8th September 2118

 

West Somerset Railway CAMRA Visit Report

 

On arrival purchased 'Festival Starter Pack' - Souvenir Pint Glass + tokens for 4 pints.

(Careful readers will already be alarmed at the concept of a 4 pint 'Starter Pack.)

 

Beer 1: 1/2 pint Blue Monkey - 99 Red Baboons (4.2%)

Fruity hoppyness and a dark malty side.

 

Beer 2: 1/2 pint Cottage Ales - Norman's Luscious Conquest (5.5%)

Amber coloured best bitter. Very drinkible.

 

Beer 3: 1/2 pint Moor - Ultrahop (4.5%)

Dark IPA with smoooth finish

 

Beer 4: 1/2 pint Hoppercraft - Blast of Farts (4.0%)

Tradetional ol anglish ale malty witchness

 

Beer 5: 1/2 pint Ordnance City - Hopwitzer (4.5%)

Pal goldn switness und folral flavvering

 

Beer 6: 1/2 pint Arbor - Hoptical Illusion XII (3.9%)

Drak brun raost potatoto sdny lrrghlik

 

Beer 7: 1/2 pint Tittlebury - Pungent Dragon (5.0%)

A dstintiv sotut veyr ba;ksds fdimerlinger

 

Beer 8: 1/2 pint Vile Ales - Goat's Bollocks (6.0%)

Oh jeeeeepres!! - Abslut digusting itnsnat vomit prochjectile.

Git som mor toknes foru hte lov fo peet!

 

5th September 2118

               Offended

 

Appraisal time! And this year we've got a new HR software package HELLOMEN™ to achieve ' a slick robust seamless easy 10-step process'. Ho hum. Anyway it has a language checker.

 

Word: Old

Why it might offend: Negative Connotations

Context: . . . high time we had a clear out of old robot prototypes . .

Suggest replace with one of:

 - overqualified

 - more overqualified

 - most overqualified

 - forgetful

 - absent-minded

 

Our language safe in their hands . . .

 

1st September 2118

 

GAT is going on a personality profiling course for which he has to fill out a pre-questionnaire composed of 12 questions  answering how much you agree or disagree on a scale of 1 to 10. Following his usual tactic of entering random information into Globalbot surveys wherever possible, he ignored the questions and filled in the answers in the form of a parabola.

Alas, when fed to the personality analyzing algorithm it classified him as:

Happy clappy helper; excellent with babies and toddlers; dispenses frequent hugs & kisses.

 

But this was spotted and deemed highly unlikely. He was made to do it again:

Miserable git; avoid if possible; communicates only in monosyllables.

 

Which we all knew already.

 

27th August 2118

 

Horror leak from Marketing - Globalbot are to issue corporate boxers to all staff!

And . . . AND . . . the grapevine says we'll be expected to wear them outside our trousers because they want to convey the message that we're all superheroes.

To paraphrase our catchy one liner - 'I Can't Believe it's Not Inhumane!'

[Probably best you re-edit this post to remove the word 'leak' - Ed.]

 

12th August 2118

 

BEEP

Please put the item into the bag.

Please take the item out of the bag.

Please put the item into the bag.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Please wait for the assistant.

Oh %^&*!

'Are you alright there sir?'

BEEP

 

BEEP

Please put the item into the bag.

Please take the item out of the bag.

Please put the item into the bag.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Please wait for the assistant.

BL@@&Y H@££!

'You seem to be having some trouble there!'

 

[15 items later]

 

BEEP

Please put the item into the bag.

Please take the item out of the bag.

Please put the item into the bag.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Please wait for the assistant.

"$%$ "$^%£$*(&*)^*@~#0(£^$%^"%£"%!

'Er, have you considered using the personed checkout sir?'

'NO! BUT I AM CONSIDERING SHOP-LIFTING.'

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

 

5th August 2118

 

What the CSB should have said:

 

Globalbot Customer Service Bulletin

Subject: Product Obsolescence

Affected Product: Unibot Mk1.0.0 ('GUM100')

Globalbot Inc. hereby gives formal notification that the Globalbot Unibot Mk1.0.0 (aka GUM100) is obsolete and will not accept any further orders under any circumstances. Further, Globalbot will no longer supply spare parts or offers refurbishment services for the GUM100.

 

What it actually said after editing by Corporate PR:

 

Globalbot Customer Service Bulletin

Subject: Vintage Robot Product Opportunity

Affected Product: Unibot Mk1.0.0 ('GUM100 Classic™')

Don't miss your last chance to purchase one of Globalbot's all time great products - The GUM100 Classic™. This elegant masterpiece has graced homes and factories alike for over 50 years. Impress your friends with your historical technical gravitas as a proud owner of one of the great robots in the history of automation. Available in original livery and high maintenance reliability spec!

 

Given the current issue is Unibot Mk8.0.6 and we're struggling to get the message out about Mk 1.0.0, I suspect it may be some centuries before Globalbot obsoletes the 136 Unibot interim versions.

 

24th July 2118

  θ

Exciting auto-notification # 5499041!

 

Subject: ECO E90445 has been moved to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
ECO E97445 has been moved by Adminbot from Final Review to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
Change Category: Class 22 - next batch
Description of Change: AMEND DESCRIPTION
Reason for Change: STORESBOTS CANNOT LOCATE CRIMPS
Comments from Adminbot: LUCKILY NO CHIMPS IN STOCK
Customer Notification Required: SAFETY BULLETIN TO WARN AGAINST SELF-SOURCED CHIMPS.
 

18th July 2118

     

      We're doomed.                We're doomed.

Things that sound the same but actually aren't except that they are # 14,902

Prophet Warning      -       Profit Warning

[These are different types of doomed! You're fired! Ed.]

 

10th July 2118

 

System update: The Z drive is down

System update: The Z drive is up

System update: The Z drive is down

System update: The Z drive is up

System update: The Z drive is [enter up/down as appropriate]

System update: The Z drive is down (we think)

System update: The Z drive is neither up nor down (Grand Old Duke of York virus)

System update: The Z drive is lost without hope in a meaningless universe

System update: The Z drive is up

System update: Correction! The Z drive is up as it was at 00:00:00 on 10th July 2108.

System update: Adminbot would like to apologise for the loss of 10 years data and any convenience caused

[ Shouldn't that read 'inconvenience'? ]

System update: Haven't you gone home yet?

 

1st July 2118

 

Oo-er! Appraisal time.

'Review progress over the pasty ear.'

Eh? What? None!

Was there a pasty ear project?

 

 

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