THINKBLOG   Jul to Dec 2117

 

Contact Thinkbot @: thinkbot@thinkbot.co.uk

 

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21st December 2117

  

To: All Globalbot

From: H&S Adminbot

Subject: Segregation of anti-matter from matter in Stores.

Due to the late Q4 shipment rush there was a near-miss this week that could have terminated the planet.

Fortunately, the latest Central American world-ending yarn would have provided perfect cover, even down to the belief that there's an alien escape portal at Mount Bugerit (Is this right? Ed.) somewhere in France.

 

 

Please note that outrageous suggestions that these people are members of the Globalbot Service Organization are wholly inaccurate.

 

14th December 2117

 

       

 

12th December 2117

 

Scene:  Globalbot test area. Gaggle of test engineers.

 

'Where the blazes has it got to? How can we be missing an entire robot?'

'I'm sure it was in the test bay yesterday.'

'Perhaps we've already shipped it?'

'Can't have - the Packbot is loitering with intent.'

 

GAT wasn't every helpful, 'Perhaps the bots have done that Colditz trick, you know, when the prisoners line up for roll call and one runs around the back to cover for an escapee.'

 

Meanwhile, in Stores, Storeman Norman has got the supervisor's attention 'You'll never guess what's happened this time! Someone's TRN'ed a whole robot.'

'What? Fully assembled?'

'Yes, it's carved out its own bin location and parked itself there.'

 

And in Finance, total panic, 'Finished goods have started flowing backwards into inventory adding negative value! We're seconds from a critical irreversible de-invoicing situation!'

 

8th December 2117

 

What do you get if you combine mythology, A level chemistry and geological happenstance?

Answer: The Scottish Whiskey Industry.

GAT has joined a whiskey club where he tastes whiskey and listens to things like:

 

Appearance: Liquid clings like uncured araldite, producing legs which descend at glacial pace.
Nose: Divine medley of seaweed, earthworms, iodine, peat smoke, and stewed peaches with sautéed new potatoes & spinach drizzled with Wensleydale, with a hint of motor oil. Leathery Peshawari nan beneath it all. Light scents of custard creams.
Palate: Slightly grainy and well-rounded but firm. Soft, clean oak diamond floorwax profile. Elegant perch fishbone immediately mirrors that of the rich smokiness. Swift undertow of sharp salt and liquorice allsorts. Peppery alcohol lends a fiery glow while complementing the nuclear reaction and understated low level radiological residue.

('Is this all for one whiskey?' interjected a member, stirring from a state of creeping slumber.)

Deep layers of asphalt struggle upward through the blanket of expanded polystyrene.  Deeply smoked, but there's plenty of ferret essence to enhance it. Medicinal characteristics numb the palate with a direct link to an ambience of A&E.
Finish: Of course the aroma of kippers lingers for an eternity, as nutty sherbet and isotopic molecular depletion provide additional complexity.
Comment: There's a stunning assortment of complexity in this dram, requiring extreme persistence and an IQ of over 500 for the drinker to fully appreciate.

 

When pressured later by Helen as to point of it all, GAT perceptively commented, 'It's light years more meaningful than the perfume industry.'

 

4th December 2117

 

Arrived at work to find the canteen off limits while a patent lawyer investigates whether Globalbot is infringing on the idea of making cooked breakfast available to its workforce.

'Can one patent the idea of breakfast?' lamented one hungry puzzled engineer just before sloping off to McCockup's across the road.

GAT was less sanguine, 'They're not expecting a ruling before 2123!'

And so we searched the Global Patent Office and sure enough, there it was:

 

GPO5600-899 Solar-Powered Underwear

GPO5600-900 Dressing Gown for Extra-Terrestrial Small Humanoid Species

GPO5600-901 Serving Cooked Breakfast on Site to Engineers in the Robotics Industry

GPO5600-902 Portable Manual Self-Back Slapper

GPO5600-903 Camera That Automatically Superimposes a Mustache on Facial Images

GPO5600-904 Psychically Powered Horseless Carriage

GPO5600-905 Method for Breathing When Trapped by Toxic Vapours

 

30th November 2117

TNET 0357536

Customer: ARSE Asia

Globalbot Product: Bird Custard Mixbot

Serial: Birds56334

Problem: Robots Not Copy Exact

Status: Escalated to Lumpy with Skin

First mixbot took unaccept long 4 months on commission include bot fall into custard vat 10 times but new bot work first time and not fall into vat at least once before supplier ask for sign off but bots cannot be copy exact must be different or not other custard type so no good and ARSE will be wiped by other custard mixer vendor unless Globalbot supply copy exact fall in custard vat repeat bot then fix ASAP after 4 months earlier.

 

'And there I was thinking they'd be happy!' lamented GAT.

 

Copy-Exact, the Globalbot way!

 

28th November 2117

 

Wandering around Port Marine gazing at the billboards advertising new apartment blocks, GAT was suddenly overwhelmed by the subliminal messaging, 'So you can only live here if you're a happy young heterosexual couple?'

'All couples are welcome, but some are more welcome than others,' observed Gerald, Orwelly.

It didn't appease GAT. 'Where do all the miserable people live?'

'Well, I know where one lives,' replied Helen acidly.

 

   Please, no pictures.

 

22nd November 2117

To: Globalbot All

From: IT Admin

Subject: Heavy Rain Emergency Sevrer %hutDo&*

&*#%$@@@ wEtBooot

 

21st November 2117

 

18th November 2117

 

Pep talk by Graham Cracker the Globalbot CEO.

'Q4 is so unpredictable, Operations Team are going to be like those little furry things, you know, that run inside wheels.'

'Gerbils!'

'Hamsters!'

'Guinea Pigs'

'Tribbles!'

Cracker, 'Yes, all of those and then some, and they're going to have to learn a lot more tricks than just running in a wheel. At the very least they'll have to react instantly when we realise the wheel is rotating the wrong way, or maybe they'll have to leap from wheel to wheel like daredevils, hoping they don't come a cropper.'

The audience was becoming restless.

'I think he's overdoing the superhero furry creature analogy,' whispered GAT.

 

 

14th November 2117

Some days, Helen simply can't believe GAT has a PhD.

Two stories (amongst many).

 

Helen (navigating): 'Turn right at the roundabout.'

GAT (driving) turns left.

Helen (mystified): 'What are you doing?'

GAT (impatient): 'Turning right like you said.'

 

GAT (navigating): 'Turn left.'

Helen (driving) turns left

GAT (mystified): 'What are you doing?'

Helen (innocently): 'Turning left like you said.'

GAT (as if obvious): 'I meant French left.'

 

I think he should be available as a voice & algorithm option on the satnav - but with a warning to only use when you don't want to get anywhere in particular.

 

           

    Turn left         Turn left (the other way)

 

12th November 2117

   

 

Minutes of the Globalbot Slot Plan Meeting

12th November 2110

Present: Crowds of People from Materials, Marketing, Finance and Engineering (too many to count and not enough seats)

 

The meeting opened with the statement that 'Q4 is all locked down'; this was followed by several minutes laughter during which one unfortunate was stretchered away with a hernia. The Q4 changes were then reviewed in an atmosphere of total bewilderment .  Moving onto Q1, which remains a boiling froth of possibilities ('boiling froth' is new chart feature in Pyschosoft Excel), someone from the supply opined that it was already too late for Q1 and probably Q2 as well but Finance objected strongly. Engineering suggested skipping a quarter and going straight from Q4 2117 to Q2 2118. Finance countered this by stating 2118 should be a '5 quarter year' rather than a '3 quarter year'. There then followed some general face to face frank discussions which eventually developed into some tie-pulling until eventually a punch was thrown just as security arrived. On restoration of order the chair thanked everyone for attending and confirming the next meeting would be in a week.

 

9th November 2117

   

 

To: Globalbot Engineering and Operations Staff

From: Adminbot

Subject: New ECO Disposition Category - RIP (Rework In Packaging)

Dear All,

Due to unusual business conditions resulting in the outrageously premature crating of forecasted robot shipments, Globalbot has implemented a new disposition category within Cripel - RIP (Rework In Packaging). When this category is selected the necessary material will be teleported, along with a test engineer, torch and smartphone, directly into the crate. Engineering have been tasked with developing the required teleportation technology on a mission-critical basis.

Regards,

Adminbot

 

TNET 0590310

Customer: TRMC

Globalbot Product: Houdinibot

Serial: HB-666630

Problem: Robot escaped from crate

Status: De-escalated from 'trapped in a crate' to 'fully signed off.'

After 3 months in a crate with nothing to do, and having been subsequently classified as 'obsolete in transit', robot HB-666630 escaped and has gone to ground in Tahiti. Local office decided to request full sign-off from TRMC and (amazingly) succeeded on basis customer delighted to not receive obsolete robot. Troublenet closed.

 

6th November 2117

 

Product Roadmap Forward-Looking Statement: do everything in next six months then go home.

Assessment Since Last Review: That's what we said six months ago.

 

2nd November 2117

 

Bad day for Helen. First, she filled her petrol car with diesel. Then, on finally getting home having arranged for the car to be towed away, she wandered into the utility room and her gaze fell upon the dog's bowl, which rapidly precipitated the question 'Where's the dog?' The answer, as you might have guessed, was that the dog was in the car on the tow truck locked up in a repair centre.

Poor dog!

 

Of course, if the dog had been a Robopet . . .

 

Not to mention greatly reduced consequences if left in a car that's been towed away.

 

31st October 2117

      

 

      

Untitled (Twenty-Four Switches)

      By Rachel Whiteread

 

In this early post-switchivist work, Whiteread portrays the iconic yet ordinarily familiar emblematic quality of an everyday object in an abstract setting symbolizing the never-ending pursuit of which switch operates which set of lights in an open plan office. The dual aim of evoking a spiritual equilibrium coupled to an obsessive desire to avoid working in the dark is heavily influenced by the mysticism of Theosophy. Powerful for its obvious instability in an apparently casual fashion the on-off nature of light and the ultimate futility of the quest, 'I question the concept of a random bank of light switches,' commented the artist, 'And in the darkness of beyond negativity I have created an infinite invisible dimension.'

 

25th October 2117

   è  

Consternation at Globalbot today when the 2118 wall planners were handed out - we've moved from horizontal to vertical months!

'This is a major organisational change,' muttered GAT, 'Historically we've always been a horizontally-run outfit.'

The implications kept on surfacing all day, from people who cut their planners up to create a merged annual transition chart with 6 months horizontal visibility, to those that have low-level partitions and chop a month off and move it up 12 times a year. One poor soul announced she was going to try and stay horizontal and move from 1st Jan to 1st Feb and so forth and submitted a Helpless to IT requesting the calendar in Pyschosoft Outragebe reformatted to match this strategy (except I reckon she won't then get paid for 11 months then get one months salary on 12 successive days). Someone else reckoned if all the desks were tipped onto their ends that might be a solution. One thing hadn't changed though - the smudgy black pen and hopelessly inadequate sheets of sticky coloured shapes. In my set the smudgy pen had leaked everywhere and the stickers were a write-off.

 

24th October 2117

A deep gloom has descended upon the Globalbot factory. People are moping around, dejected and miserable, frequently wandering through a deserted section of the office area looking glumly at the empty chairs, blank screens, vacant docking stations and festering coffee cups.

What's happened? Well, it's the annual Globalbot sales conference and the entire Marketing team, along with a few VPs and service managers, are off-site for a week.

'You don't realise how much you'll miss them until they're gone,' bleated one Engineering manager, 'We've got customers visiting tomorrow and no one has any idea how to order coffee and biscuits.'

 

And as for the location, the sales conference is hosted by a different sales office each year and this year is was the turn of the Globalbot Lunar Sales office - so they've all gone to the Moon.

 

'The Moon!?' gasped GAT, as did just about everyone when they heard, after which the smart alecks got to work:

'Well, it's certainly off-site, and then some, even further than the Antarctica conference three years ago.'

'The revenue plan has gone into orbit.'

'We're hoping for astronomical profits.'

'The sales team are simply out of this world.'

'But the place just has no atmosphere.'

'That's one small PO for Globalbot, one giant leap for future business.'

etc.

 

And finally there's the small matter of the team-building activity - this year it's Outdoor Low Gravity Banjo playing.

'At least they won't be able to hear each other.'

'I bet they haven't figured that out yet.'

'I'm waiting for the deluge of TroubleNets on defective banjos and demands we beat up the supplier.'

 

22nd October 2117

 

 An Apology

Thinkblog would like to apologize for the recent total blogoutage. In particular on behalf of PYSCHOSOFT who are entirely to blame and who, with malice aforethought, knowingly withdrew support for an obsolete vintage blog product after only warning the blogger about 50 times over the past six months. This continues a long tradition of withdrawing perfectly functional packages and replacing them with overcomplicated alternatives in the name of progress stretching back to Victorian times. All hail Blogzilla which now manages this site.

Blogzilla gets to work on his next project - rewiring the whole of Europe.

 

17th October 2117

 

 

The (little known) Parable of Genghis Khan and the Production Plan

(That's enough pot shots at production planning, Ed.)

 

13th October 2117

Sales plan chaos & Operations in a flap as robot specs and customer assignations morph on an hourly basis.

'We're gonna need everyone to pick up a spanner and get into  the build area!' announced Duwkits, ill-advisedly.

'What? Even Marketing?' we all asked.

News of this reached Mark Eting, 'Over my dead body!' was his helpful take.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, a deal was brokered - Marketing would help as long as they could have golden spanners.

And so, they arrived in the build area clutching their spanners, 'What do you want us to do?'

'Stand in the corner, and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!'

 

8th October 2117

       

Dementor          ISO9000000 auditor

 

Has anyone noticed the incredible resemblance between a dementor and an ISO9000000 auditor?

 

7th October 2117

 

Exciting auto-notification # 90445!

 

Subject: ECO E90445 has been moved to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
ECO E90445 has been moved by Adminbot from Final Review to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
Change Category: Class 22 - make work/safe, in WIP, eliminate laughing stock
Description of Change:804-29488 - BOM ERROR MEANS PLUG ON END, NOT SOCKET
Reason for Change:ITS JUST PLAIN WRONG, RIGHT? WHY HAS EVERYTHING GOT TO HAVE A REASON?
Comments from Adminbot: Sheer breath-taking incompetence!
Customer Notification Required: I should hope not; complete secrecy essential.
 

Okay, I think I've got my head around that one, next!
 

Subject: ECO E90446 has been moved to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
ECO E90446 has been moved by Adminbot from Final Review to Released status of Globalbot revised NEW ECO Workflow zzZ workflow.
Change Category: Class 22 - make work/safe, in WIP, eliminate laughing stock
Description of Change:804-29489 - BOM ERROR MEANS PLUG ON END, NOT SOCKET
Reason for Change:804-29488 HAS PLUG, NOT SOCKET
Comments from Adminbot: IDIOTS!
Customer Notification Required: BEST NOT TO.

 

Oo-er! I think we've transformed a plug-to-plug cable cock up to a socket-to-socket cockup.

Stock on hand claims 8 billion - so rework may take a while . . . hopefully I'll be retired before anyone notices.

 

3rd October 2117

 

Visit Report

Customer: Unlucky Goldbotics, Korea

Executive Summary: After several hours humbly grovelling at the feet of deeply offended Koreans, and agreeing that we should really have checked the translation of the software warning messages into Korean before releasing them, and that will never use that sub-contractor again, Globalbot Korea rewarded me by taking me out to eat a local dish called Phood Poezanin which consisted of rubbery things in a brown puddle. I then spent 48 hours in my hotel room en suite.

 

1st October 2117

     

Today, GAT was asked what it is like to work in the 'modern dynamic 22nd century global robotics industry?'

'It's like sailing a ship of immense complexity on a vast ocean of uncertainty.'

We were dumbstruck by this profound utterance . . .

Usually he says something stupid like 'I think you've got the wrong planet' or 'it beats shoveling sand.'

It ranked up there with his answer to the question (from the CEO no less), 'What's your impression of Econodroid's new Mulchbot?'

'I'm sorry, I don't do impressions.'

[Ed. Thinkbot, this 'I don't do impressions' gag has been done before - you must try harder.]

'I'm sorry, I do do repetitions.'

 

24th September 2117

Globalbot Implements 'Mist Targit' KPI System
Robo-Reuters: Friday 24th September 2117

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented a state of the art KPI system. 'We are very pleased with Mist Targit™', commented Graham Cracker, 'which uses dispenses with traditional fixed operational targets and rather uses fuzzy logic to . . etc.

 

The reaction from GAT was immediate and panicky, 'If we can't make out our targets clearly, how will we know we missed them?!'

 

21st September 2117

 

11th September 2117

A tale of gastric woe!

On the way to the robofoot, GAT and Mike went for lunch with Grandma in her new sheltered accommodation.

'It'll be grand,' GAT beamed, 'they serve all day breakfast on Saturdays.'

 

But when they got there Grandma said, 'I didn't think you'd like the all day breakfast, it's just big juicy sausages, hot buttery toast, rashers of bacon, fried eggs, black pudding, and you should see how many beans there are! I cancelled it with the chefbot.'

GAT was speechless; Mike uncomprehending.

 

'I've got some nice cold quiche and salad and coleslaw instead.'

GAT was still speechless; Mike was crying.

Could it get any worse? Well yes actually . .

 

10th September 2117

 

Attended site incident controller training today.

Everyone had a go at dealing with an imaginary incident.

By the time it reached me all the usual incidents had been used up - e.g. fire, robot berserk, exploding pie vans, bonfires in the lift shaft, cleaning foam tsunami, storeman stapled to wall by Packbot, etc.

So the radio was handed to me and the trainer, who was out of the room (and probably in the nearest pub for all I knew), came on.

'Come in incident control, over.'

'Incident control, over.' I replied.

'There's a . . er a lion reported in the office area, over.'

'Please repeat, over.'

'A lion in the office area, please advise course of action, over.'

'Right, er, I thought that's what you said. Please ascertain it's not just a big cat, over.'

'It's a $%&$^ Lion! OVER!'

'Right, er, I'll dial 99999 and ask for the zoo. Over.'

'Please advise immediate course of action, over.'

'Er, um, could you try putting your head in its mouth? Over.'

'(£$%@! what did you say? Over.'

I failed.

 

7th September 2117

 

The parable of the human pyramid.

The thoughts of the guy at the top: 'This is great, I can see everything, but I wish it wasn't so wobbly, and that the guys below would quit moaning. I really have no idea what's going on at the bottom. I hope there's enough people to hold us all up. I wonder if I should initiate a re-structuring exercise.'

The thoughts of a guy at the bottom: 'This is awful, I can't see a thing, but at least I've got my feet on solid ground, and if the guy above won't stop wriggling I can always just drop him and walk away. I really have no idea what's going on at the top. I hope it doesn't all just collapse on top of me. Feels like there must be at least 10 layers of overhead.'

The thoughts of a guy somewhere in the middle: 'AAArgh! URGGHHH! Oh no. nooooo!  Aaaaaaargh!'

 

2nd September 2117

 

To: All Globalbot

From: VP Corporate Postit Systems

Subject: Postit Discipline

Dear All,

Please can I remind all staff that it is a disciplinary offence to remove, rearrange or add to critical Globalbot Postit business systems without permission.

Regards,

Noah

 

Apparently someone (we think it was GAT) used a Dilbert stamp to emblazon the message 'I admire you ability to get paid for this' all over a key business Postit process flow.

 

VP of Corporate Postit Systems reviews his personal planner.

 

25th August 2117

 

Things not to say to an arachnophobe when on Go Ape.

#1 - 'There's a spider right by your left ear by the way.'

 

24th August 2117

 

14th August 2117

 

Operations review.

'Keep it snappy! And leave time for questions.' instructed Graham Cracker.

So GAT did:

 

 

'Questions?' asked GAT after his sub-10 second presentation.

'Is that your only slide?' bellowed Cracker.

'Yes.'

'Great! Let's move on!'

 

DIRT = Domestic and Industrial Robot Technology (as you would have known if you'd read The Book)

 

12th August 2117

 

Email from Sales: What's happened to the Advanced Drainbot?

Reply from Engineering: Er. . nothing, development is ongoing and proceeding to plan.

Sales: How can it be going to plan when the product launch was due today?

Engineering: We're confused, the Pyschosoft Project plan & Outrage Calendar has the launch at the end of February as agreed.

Sales: I had it as today in my mind calendar.

Engineering: Alas we do not have network access rights to your mind calendar.

Sales: Please advise how I should handle confirmed PO just received for 10,000 Advanced Drainbots delivery December at latest against imagined specification of what I think it'll do? Else severe penalty clause.

Engineering: We suggest you use your mind calendar to manage the situation.

 

5th August 2117

Marketing get to work on the future of athletics:

By 2122 man will exceed the speed of sound over 100m.

 

3rd August 2117

TNET 012078

Customer: TRMC

Globalbot Product: Blenderbot Plus

Serial: BL-911600

Problem: Blender blades hitting rev limiter in 5th gear

De-escalation: from blind panic to complete disinterest

Resolution

On arrival from UK the situation was that Blenderbot BL-911600 was holding 3 TRMC operators hostage and posting demands on the TRMC intranet to be uninstalled and returned to the Globalbot factory. The local team said everything was a complete disaster and I when I met with the TRMC manager he said everything was a complete disaster and Globalbot were worse than the worst company in the world and the most worst he'd ever known. I got to BL-911600 and brought up the fault log which said 'At last. Where the $%^&! have you been? Have you got the crate ready?'

I disabled the system controller and swapped the main drive cog in the primary gearbox and that sorted it. On the way out I passed the TRMC manager telling an engineer from Econodroid they were worse than the worst company etc. The local Globalbot team were ecstatic and took me out and made me eat a snail.

 

1st August 2117

Wholly owned by

 

Globalbot Customer Service Bulletin

 

Subject: Last Buy

Affected Part: 4-6-2 Class A4 Pacific

 

Globalbot Inc. hereby gives formal notification of the discontinuance of its product line Class A4 Pacific. This is due to obsolescence of key components needed for manufacture of this product. In the interest of customers Globalbot will accept last buy orders minimum quantity 1000 on or before 31st December 2117.

 

'Since when have we owned LNER?' spluttered GAT.

'What is it?' I asked.

'It's a railway company, and we appear to have a steam engine in our current product line. Last of the 35 was built in 1938 and finally withdrawn 1966!'

'It's such a relief we got the obsoletion note out so quickly.'

 

26th July 2117

 

      

To: Globalbot Staff

From: Corporate Imagebot

Subject: New Meeting Room Names

 

Dear All,

In an effort to be more in keeping with the dynamic global robot manufacturing company we think we are, it has been decided to rename all meeting rooms after famous robots.

Meeting Room 1 = Bender

Meeting Room 2 = Preston

Meeting Room 3 = T-800

Meeting Room 4 = For Mash Get Smash

Meeting Room 5 = Marvin

Meeting Room 6 = Robot

Meeting Room 7 = Bleep

Meeting Room 8 = Booster

Meeting Room 9 = C3PO

The other Meeting Room 9 = Vincent

Meeting Room 10 = Noonoo

Meeting Room 11 = Gort

Meeting Room 15 = R2D2

Regards,

Imagebot

 

No one knows what happened to MR 12-14.

There were two MR9 as the Facilities could only find 8 when they built two extra rooms.

MR15 is inconveniently in San Francisco (at least we know where it is, roughly).

GAT's take on it all was, 'Well, one used to have a rough idea where the rooms were, but now I have no idea.'

 

Click here for the robot identity test.

 

Alternative schemes were soon in circulation, for example:

Grumpy, Dozey, Sleepy, etc.

 

24th July 2117

                               

How bad does an office chair need to get to be a health hazard?

 

    

             Painful                     Even more painful    Ah, THe Blessed Relief

 

22nd July 2117

 

Appraisal Time

Objective 1: Work as hard as possible.

Employee assessment: I worked as hard as possible.

Objective 2: Give one example of working smarter not harder.

Employee assessment: I imagined my answer to objective 1.

 

16th July 2117

To: Globalbot Project Managers

From: ISO9000000 Adminbot

Subject: New Project Phase

 

Dear All,

Please be advised that a new compulsory project phase 'Watching Cricket' has been added to the Globalbot Product Development Procedure GLOB-080-2-2117.B with immediate effect. All current and future projects must be reworked to include a watching cricket milestone. The watching cricket phase can appear more that once and at any point in a project, replace any other project phase at any time; a project composed of multiple watching cricket phases is acceptable and will comply with ISO9000000.

Regard,

ISO9bot

 

'Looks like we've been hacked!'

'Better implement it before anyone notices.'

 

13th July 2117

Marketing Requirements Specification (MRS)

Product: Tank

Speed: As fast as possible

Cost: As low as possible

Main Armament: Big gun

Secondary Armament: Next biggest gun size down from the big gun

Tertiary Armament: Next gun size down from the second gun

Ancillary Armament Type(s): Yes

Stealth Capability: 100% cloaked (totally invisible)

Camouflage: Not required

Weight: As light as possible

Armour: As thick as possible

Main Operational Terrain: All, including naval, airborne, orbital. Stretch goals: Mars capable, stellar reach.

Additional Features: Mobile living space

Reliability: Absolutely no failures allowed

Crew: None

Control System: Self-aware, out-going team player with a PhD and minimum 5 years battle experience in a relevant war zone.

 

'When you say big gun,' enquired GAT at the subsequent MRS review meeting, 'what exactly do you mean? Engineering need you to be a bit more specific.'

'Oh, I don't know,' replied Mark Eting, 'isn't it clear enough?'

'No!'

'Ah, well, ok, how about guns like those in front of the Imperial War Museum?'

'Those are naval guns, you can't put them in a tank!'

'Why not? Is the water-proofing a problem?'

'No, they're too big.'

'Oh, so you are telling me this new tank product is going to be inferior to a battleship before we've even launched it?'

Silence.

GAT took a deep breath, 'Ok, ok, what about ancillary armament?'

'It's definitely required.'

'Yes, yes, but what type? Machine gun? Rockets? Flamethrower? Flak?'

'Yes, of course!' replied a beaming Mark Eting

Silence.

'Can you give any indication of what the product might look like?' asked Eting.

'Yes . . ' GAT started scribbling, 'here you go!'

Eting was ecstatic, 'Fantastic, absolutely fantastic, I'll organize the launch party for mid-August, is that ok?'

'Fine, fine, . . ' I could tell GAT was already mentally downing a pint of Tanglefoot, 'but the prototype will have to be fully cloaked at all times until we get the intellectual property sorted.'

'Ok, great,' replied Eting, 'I'm sure showing off bullet-proof invisibility capability will go down a treat with potential customers!'

 

6th July 2117

To: All Globalbot

From: Reception Adminbot

Subject: Gold bullion found

Some ingots of gold bullion have been found in the car park, if you have lost any please contact reception.

 

1st July 2117

Breaking News: Former Engineering Director Undergoes Damascus Road Conversion

Now I am in a business marketing role I suddenly believe that our engineers can solve any problem and a leadtime of 4 weeks is absolutely reasonable. I'm not sure exactly what transformation took place when I fell to the road blinded by a bright light from heaven, but before that, when I was on the engineering side, most problems seemed unsolvable and in the rare case there was a solution, and 12 months seemed like a realistic timeframe.

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

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