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31^st December 2124

Tales from the West Somerset Winter Steam Gala 2124

GAT had had a marvelous day watching steam on a cold and misty winter's day.

Now he was alone in the sea fog at Blue Anchor station waiting for the final train.

In the stillness the chuff chuff chuff of the approaching train echoed weirdly through the fog.

Out of the mist appeared a man with four identical bespectacled girls in a linear regression none of whom could stand still. They passed by and dissolved into the gloom down the platform.

Then an older couple appeared, man and silent wife.

'Let's get on here and stay away those girls' the man growled, 'Up and down all the time.'

In a blast of steam and hissing the 2-8-0 SDJR appeared out of the mist and squealed to a halt.

GAT boarded behind the couple.

'WHAAAA--' cried the grumpy man as a petrified dog dived out from under a table into the carriage aisle.

'TRIPSY! get back under the table! Now! Silly dog!'

Everyone got seated and quietness descended.

'What's the signalman doing?' growled the man 'We should be moving by now.'

Just as the train started the door to the next carriage burst open and the four girls appeared and stated gyrating around the farend of the carriage.

The horrified look on Mr Grumpy's face was priceless; even silent wife developed a hint of smirk.

Then a young guard came pounding through the carriage.

Watch out for the d - aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh too late.

'TRIPSY! get back under the table! Bad dog!'

The guard picked himself up, and scowling back at the dog owners, recommenced his man on a mission pace.

Watch out for the multi-size pack of gyrating gormless gi - - - crunch! Too late.

'What's that guard think ee's doin?' muttered the grumpy man.

His silent wife looked like she'd lost the will to live.

20^th December 2124

ECO Title: Release Bench BOM (at last)

Reason: Someone said they wanted a Bench BOM (ages ago)

Class: 83 DIY

Parts Affected:

677-7585 Leg, Left, Rear, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R6.67, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

7999938 Leg, Left, Front, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R1.51, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

677-8887 Leg, Right, Rear, 2"x2", Oak, Planed, Varnished, R17.09, QTY0, CE, WEMI W13

5006502 Leg, Right, Front, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varished, R1.01, QTY2, CE, WEMI W13

5489904 Cross Spar, Right, Lower, 2"x2", Spruce, Planed, Varnished, R11, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

701-8923 Cross Spar, Right, uvpper, 2"x2", Larch, Planed, Varnished, R16..91, QTY1, CE, WEMI W13

800-235Y Cross Spar . . .

'Stop! Stop!'

'What?'

'Why's it got two right front legs and no rear right leg.'

'Bugger!'

'How many kits did we get Materials to pre-order?'

'Er, um, well . . . '

'Head for the bunker, NOW! Take different routes, - I'll see you there!'

19^th December 2124

From: Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject: Xmas Bipolar Disorder

Dear All,

To accommodate those that embrace the festive season alongside with those that would rather die in a ditch, and to achieve 'balance', Adminbot has been temporarily partitioned into discrete yuletide and humbug options. It has been noticed that office areas have split asunder along gender lines; this is incompatible with Globalbot's equality of opportunity policy. All employees are entitled to equal opportunity whether that be to sit n an office area adding millions of tons of CO2 to the atmosphere, or one that is full of people who think the world has gone mad. Please be aware that, to align all office areas, the left hand Adminbot will audit the left hand office areas, and the right hand one the left. Please cooperate fully with the audit or go home, whichever come first.

Regards,

Adminbot

17^th December 2124

From: Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject: PPE Update - New glove types

Priority: Knock-out

Dear All,

Two new types of glove are now available from stores.

Both have been trialed and found to be effective at keeping various workplace pests at arms length.

Regards,

Adminbot

15^th December 2124

GAT struggled to keep a lid on his frustration as painstakingly Helen cut what was left of her dinner into smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller pieces.

He'd gobbled his in no time at all, and now he had to wait . . .

I could be watching Stirling Albion vs Arbroath on BOTSport83! he thought (luckily not out loud).

Finally the dam burst

'I don't know why people spent millions on machines to split the atom when you can do it with a knife and fork!'

Oh dear, you could cut the tension with a cricket stump (to quote the great Murray Walker)

12^th December 2124

'Bottled water?'

'Check!'

'Emergency rations?'

'Yep!'

'Head torch?'

'It's on your head.'

'Ok, I think we're all set. Commence Operation Server Reboot.'

The human finger wavered over the Y key.

The robots present started whimpering.

4^th December 2124

'Now you mention it, yes I can see the resemblance.'

'Well the sales configurator gets eaten by the PLM, and the PLM by the ERP, until a bigger ERP eats it.'

'I see . . .'

30^th November 2124

From: Adminbot

To: Globalbot All

Subject: Critical Robots Off Line this weekend

Priority: Adminbot only sends HIGH priority emails

Dear All,

Please note that Critical Robots 'Call that a Drawing?' and 'Apostrophe Armageddon' will be offline this weekend.

Regards,

Adminbot

'Quick! lets get all those dodgy drawing's and report's onto the system's this weekend. its a golden opportunity's!'

27^th November 2124

WARNING: excel colour violation!

'Aaargh!' cried Mishun Krytikal as the production plan slipped into fractal chaos.

She called up the fault log.

Error 2858803330399 display colours required exceed available colours

Reduce colours <16581375

Mishun lowered her forehead onto her keyboard. Her laptop started bleeping in protest.

It was impossible! How could Globalbot's plan possibly be represented with less than 16581375 colours?

She sat upright and stared at the screen, apparently her forehead had typed -

a hot wet teabag in my lap

What were the chances of that? Impossible!

She must be dreaming. A brief surge of hope swelled in her chest as she gulped in a lungful of air.

She could not remember when she'd stopped breathing, but it must have been a while given the droves of white spots whizzing around in front of her eyes. As oxygen reached her screaming cells the white spots dispersed and the fractal chaos that was supposed to map out the next six months came back into focus.

'Aaaaargh!'

And so forth for hours on end.

17^th November 2124

From: GAT

To: Doom

Subject: Fw: Next Generation CiderBot zzz^TM Costing

Priority: 20% Higher than High

Hello Doom,

Please calculate cost, inflate by 20%, and forward to Mark Eting.

Thanks,

GAT

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mark Eting

To: GAT

Subject: Next Generation CiderBot zzz^TM Costing

Priority: High

Hi GAT,

Please supply cost of Next Generation CiderBot zzz^TM ASAP!!!!!!

Please note that we will need to reduce this cost by 20% within 3 months of the product launch.

Thanks,

Mark

VP Global Globalbot Marketing

11^th November 2124

TNET 17600131

Customer: Avinalarf Inc.

Globalbot Product: Multigas RouterBot

Serial: HAHAHA00143

Problem: Customer RFQ for extra gas

Status: Needs to lighten up a bit

Update

Customer urgently want to add laughing gas to robot panel. Please provide quote ASAP.

7^th November 2124

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected a new Federation IT application rollout

Captain Kirk: What sort of application Mr Sulu?

Mr Sulu: It's . . .er. . .it's. .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's Pyschosoft Enemies!

Kirk: What? Firewalls up.

Spock: It's too late, the installation sub-routine has accessed the ship's computer

Chekov: I expect this was developed by the Russians Captain!

Kirk: Hang on, half of these enemies are from other TV shows.

29^th October 2124

GAT stroked his chin as he pondered the mutant robot.

It was so obvious it had the wrong head.

GAT had seen it all before. Something that had been thrown together as a temporary bodge to test a possible solution to an escalated customer problem had, calamity of calamities, become locked into the product as 'standard'.

Not only that, it had acquired a whizzy product name . . .

and was the subject of an IP submission the gist of which was the outrageous claim that using the wrong head was a novel world beater of an idea [+25 contingent claims].

Now the second phase was unfolding. The bit where Marketing and Sales ask how was it possible we'd released such a poorly engineered mutant . Cries of disbelief . . . 'What, we did no reliability testing?' . . . 'What do you mean, we don't have any of our own in Engineering test area? We've sold fifty!'

'The answer's simple,' GAT mused, 'we sold fifty alpha prototypes before we'd written the MRS (Market Requirements Specification).'

But no one was listening, and if they had been they'd have declared him a grumpy old engineer.

'Which dwarf are you today?' they'd yell at him.

And what would become of the five rigorously tested Production prototypes (with the correct head) he'd loaded for deployment at beta sites?

Scrap? Ebay? Cannibalize? Retrofit the wrong head?

25^th October 2124

'Can't accurately forecast quarterly revenue? It's easy! All you have to do is plug you numbers into this simple equation and solve it'

23^rd October 2124

Suddenly, the discussion took a turn for the worse.

'We had better get our ducks in a row or the customer will lead us on a merry dance.'

The face of the lone Frenchman in the meeting took on a bewildered look.

'Yes, although they may get hot under the collar if they smell a rat. We have to avoid making ourselves a hostage to fortune.'

'Will their top dog be attending?'

'Not sure, if he is then he's barking mad and we'll need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, but if he isn't it might just be a storm in a teacup.'

'Revenons a nos moutons.'

16^th October 2124

'How many risk assessments does Globalbot have for going up a ladder?'

'Thirty three.'

'Righty ho. And how many for coming down a ladder?'

'Er, um, none.'

10^th October 2124

6^th October 2124

TNET 17566201

Customer: SMASH ChinaBots Inc.

Globalbot Product: OmniPaddleBot (Aqua)

Serial: DUK110001

Problem: Interduck Robot too Short and Soft

Status: Going Quackers

Update

Customer say ducking too soft need hard duck else duck too short also need longer hard ducking for pipes and not flexiduck which is not hard enough need longer rigid duck at least 2,360km painted in standard Chinese invisible duck enamel with duck bolts and labels. Customer say Glovalbot supply worst of breed duck and ducking quality no good please supply improved hard long interduck as soon as possible.

'Read DUCT for DUCK and I assume km should be mm, and it all makes, well, er, a bit more sense I guess.'

29^th September 2124

'What is instant delivery?' sighed GAT.

'Huh?'

'It says I can have a free instant delivery trial with this order.'

'I dunno, why don't you try it?'

CLICK

A split second later there was a knock at the door.

'Your order sir'

'What? How did it do that?'

No sooner than he had signed for the package, a hubbub of voices erupted.

Peering past the delivery bot, GAT discerned a gaggle of robots milling around with all manner of bits and pieces.

As one they chanted:

'People who bought 'Mosquito - The Original Multi-Role Combat Aircraft' also bought [sound of hundreds of robots all saying something different]'

GAT peered at the bots, who were holding an extraordinary array of objects.

GAT slammed the door shut, 'It'll be delivering things before we've ordered them next!'

A split second later there was a knock at the door . . .

24^th September 2124

'Weerrre appppppppprooooooocchingcching thherrrrrrrrrr eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnndd oooov therrrrrrrrrrr quooooorterrrrrrrrrrrrrr' slurred GAT as time slowed, planets split repeatedly into two, and quantum uncertainty overwhelmed the Globalbot Manufacturing Slot Plan.

The Highsalesberg Uncertainty Principle reared its head

The PO and Shipment Date cannot both be measured exactly . . .

(or even inexactly, in Globalbot's case, for example)

. . .when in the same quarter, even in theory.

(or wild guesswork . . . )

23^th September 2124

- - - - - - - - -

REDACTED

- - - - - - - - -

All attempts to unredact have failed but it does appear someone was awarded a Muttley

18^th September 2124

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Picard: Take us in as close as you dare Mr Data

Data: Aye aye captain. Sensors are still picking up nothing, sir

Picard: How is it possible it's completely deactivated? We've no weapon that could have done this. Can you see anything Mr La Forge?

La Forge: I'm picking up an echo of the last message the cube received, t's er, er, ah . . .

Picard: Come on man, spit it out!

La Forge: It's a notice to complete a self-assessment tax return

Data: The Borg have lost the will to assimilate and the cube is deactivated

Picard: [Deep sigh of regret] If only we'd known this at Wolf 369 it'd have saved a whole shebang of bother

12^th September 2124

The Salesman seemed to fill GAT's office.

'Why'dya use pdf for your RCS?'

[RCS = Robot Configuration Summary]

'Er, well . . .' mumbled GAT

'I can't change it to say whatever the customer wants it to say!'

'Really? I see, like a telepathic user interface for example?'

'Yeah! Exactly! You goddit! I guess I could get me a pdf editor.''

'I, er, wouldn't bother if I were you.'

'Godammit! Why the hell not? It's not as if they're encrypted or anything.'

'Errr, hmmm . . . '

9^th September 2124

From: Miss Koad

To: All Globalbot

Subject: Requisition Coding Anomalies

Priority: High

To All,

If you are one of the reprobates trying to requisition a packet of Digestives under 8900-4567 MISC.ITEMS.CONSUMMABLE on an OPEX line, then desist with immediate effect!

If you persist YOU WILL BE CAUGHT. And be sure that we're watching the CAPEX lines so don't even think about it.

Even worse, a message to those seeking to add a teapot to the 83008383 ROBOT SET UP TOOLS (FIRST IN FACTORY) KIT - we're onto you!

You will not get away with it!

Coldest Regards,

Miss Koad

Junior Financial Enforcement Officer

'Well, the decoys are working so far.'

'Yes, they haven't noticed it yet.'

26^th August 2124

Finally, it's over.

No more 9pm Sunday slot where the family gather for an emotional hour.

'What? They're using an oil lamp to communicate? Have they lost their mobiles?'

'Thinkbot! Be quiet or else!'

'Hooray for Esmeralda! She'll soon sort them out.'

'It's DEMELZA! If you can't keep quiet you'll have to watch it upstairs on your own.'

'I wouldn't fancy going to London in that contraption. The train's a much better idea.'

'LAST WARNING!'

'It's the Itchy and Scratchy Show!'

'GET OUT! NOW! GO ON!'

7^th August 2124

Globalbot 6 Sigma Project #83 - 'Looking for the Scissors'

Problem: Spend 2.5 man hours total per shift looking for a pair of scissors

Annualized Cost: 2.5 x 3 x 260 x G50 = G97,500

Cost of a pair of scissors: G6.72

Analysis: You could buy up to 14,508 pairs of scissors annually and still realize a saving

Solution: Buy 5,000 pairs and cover every horizontal surface with scissors

Saving: G65k in year 1, subsequent years G97.5k.

See related project #838 - 'Looking for the Torque Wrench'

5^th August 2124

From: Ava Go <Ava.Go@lukipunt.com>

To: GAT

Subject: Request Urgent call!

Priority: HYPERHIGH!

Hi GAT,

I've looked at Globalrot Technologies and concluded it has incredible synergy with LukiPunt, like man!!!

Based on what I see, I'd like to offer you a trail version of our unique design software LukiCAD^TM!

No charges of any kind, and up to 30 days of use supported by LukiPunt PO support engineers phoning you every 5 minutes - normally this would not be part of the trail but under the circumstances I feel certain it would grately increase the chances of Globalrot falling in lurve with LukiCAD.

LukiCAD is used by many global giants including Prosthetics-4-Pets, Lithuanian Jacuzzis, International Flower Pots Corp., BetBot365, & Sam's Skip Hire.

Bare in mind that LukiCAD has many modules so even if your main CAD is SolidBot, Pro-BotWorks, or AutoBot, you don't need to switch it out for LukiCAD!!!

You can use a LukiCAD module alongside to compliment your overall process. The trail will help figure out where it could fit!!!!

I'm around tomorrow from 9:30am - 4pm and, although extremely busy, could fit you in!! No sweat!!

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

Kindest Regards,

Ava Go

Head of Sales Strategy, LukiPunt Ltd

Desperation House, Walthamstow.

31^st July 2124

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: 'Phasers locked onto target Captain!'

Kirk: 'Fire!'

[Special FX: sound of wayward phasers dissipating in vacuum]

Kirk: 'What the %^&$ was that supposed to be?'

Spock: 'I think our phasers need calibrating Captain.'

McCoy: 'They're worse than dead Jim.'

Kirk: 'Mr Chekhov, can we apply targeting compensation?'

Chekhov: 'It would need a fudge factor in illicit software code that even the Russians would blanch at, sir.'

Lieutenant Uhura: 'The Klingon vessel is hailing us Captain.'

Kirk: 'On screen.'

Kalis: 'Federation vessel! For the sake of Sto-vo-kor! What are you shooting at?'

Kirk: 'That was just a warning shot, Kalis!'

Kalis: 'Ha! You jest with me at your peril Captain! Have you detected a cloaked ship?'

Kirk: 'I, er, um . . . '

Kalis: 'The fabled vessel MV Barn Door perhaps?'

Kirk: 'Do your worst Kalis, our shields are operating at 100%.'

Kalis: 'We're not going to blast you Kirk, we're going to report you to the Borg ISO9000000 Inspectorate.'

Kirk: 'What? No! Act like like a Klingon Kalis! Shields down Mr Sulu, now! I beg you Kalis, destroy us!'

Kalis: 'Qapla Kirk, enjoy your audit, Kalis out.'

28^th July 2124

21^st July 2124

Globalbot Announces Implementation of Farce Recognition Software
Robo-Reuters: Friday 21^st July 2124

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented Farce Recognition software at its Filton-based factory. 'We are delighted with this new capability,' commented Graham Cracker CEO, 'The system will flag up suspect behaviour and enable corrective action to be taken.' When pressed further, Cracker further defined a examples of 'suspect behaviour' as walking up and down the main corridor endlessly without actually going anywhere, multi-split email chains running at >100 notes/minute, and management crowd scenes. Corrective actions include complimentary cups of tea, cooked breakfast and in extreme cases group hugs. Industry experts were dumbfounded, one commenting 'the system will be overloaded the instant they turn it on.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me now I'm rushing down the corridor typing an email whilst being pursued by 3 managers. No I haven't risk assessed walking quickly whilst typing . . AAArgh!

[Special FX: sound of engineer falling over Cleanbot]

16^th July 2124

This report was not brought to you by

11^th July 2124

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected a number of anomalies.

Captain Kirk: What sort of anomalies Mr Sulu!

Sulu: They're . . . er. . . they're . .

Kirk: Come on man spit it out!

Sulu: Sir, they're events from future epsiodes.

Kirk: So, we will be funded for a second series.

Dr Spock: Captain, these future events indicate you will have numerous irrational amorous encounters with exotic alien females.

McCoy: In many of them you're dead Jim.

Kirk: Is there anything we can do to move more towards the future of exotic alien females?

McCoy: One of the exotic alien females is a slug-like creature oozing slime.

Kirk: Can't I be dead for that one?

Chekhov: Sir! There's no need to worry about future episodes, all the plots are written by the Russians.

7^th July 2124

To: Globalbot All

From: Adminbot of Apps

Subject: Exciting New Globalbot Apps

Dearest,

I am pleased to inform that two new Globalbot Apps have been released - NonDrive and Hermit.

These are available to anyone but are particularly aimed at the miserable old gits amongst us (you know who you are).

NonDrive does exactly what it says and cannot be found anywhere at anytime on any linked device in the cloud.

Hermit is ideal for projects with dysfunctional teams of up to 1 member. Files are restricted to the user's local hard drive (C: > Hermit) with no backup whatsoever so if it all goes wrong you've had it with no one to blame but yourself.

Any questions please do hesitate to ask (i.e. you're on your own).

Regards,

Adminbot of Apps

No Gaps in Our Apps

3^rd July 2124

30^th June 2124

Great Tool Boards #83

Spotted by GAT at Deanston Distillery.

Classified as 'Below Abject Failure' by the Tool Board Society.

21^st June 2124