Great News - Thinkbot now available on Kindle.
22nd December 2128
21st December 2128
15th December 2128
Psychosoft Gloop is a transformative co-creation experience that brings together teams, content and tasks across all your tools and devices and turns them irreversibly into a viscous amorphous blob that sticks to everything and everyone like digital flypaper.
10th December 2128
What is this?
An hostile alien spaceship raining biochemical terror down on mankind from the night skies?
Or maybe a robot throwing up after a heavy night?
No, it's what you get if you allow Marketing to break through to the Engineering Simulation Dept and infect them with the idea of creating a CGI image of 'state-of-the-art exfoliated shaving'.
I don't know about you but my experience of shaving is more like . . .
Safe Harbor Statement
5th December 2128
[Scene: Cockpit of an advanced spacecraft]
'How's it going?' GAT asked Thinkbot.
'It's not looking good. I think we need to send humans and AI on separate space craft.'
1st December 2128
'Hang on! Page 1, 3 down, 2 across.'
30th November 2128
The ancient robot sidled up to the side of GAT's desk.
Clank-eee-clank-eee-clank-eee-clank-eee-clank-eee
Whirr, click, graunch, BOING!
Uh-oh, thought GAT, here we go again.
'Hello Clanky, how are you today?'
'Not so good, struggling a bit.'
'Oh, really? Sorry to hear that.'
'All my innards are obsolete.'
'Nothing in stock eh?'
'Nothing'
'Not even any Chinese copies?'
'No, my next failure will likely be my last.'
NNNNYANG! Bleep Bleep Bleep BANG!
'That's too bad. I must admit, you don't sound too good.'
'My MTBF is way overdue. I may only have a few precious hours left.'
'Sorry to hear that. Let me know if there's anything I can't do for you. Righty-ho, must get on.'
GAT unplugged his laptop and beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen and started making a cup of tea.
Back at the desk Clanky started looking around for its next victim.
Screeeeech! Phut. Clank-eee-clank-eee-clank-eee-clank-eee
In the kitchen GAT pondered again why they kept Clanky in the DIRT Group Office. It was 150 years old for goodness sake! It was a compliance nightmare, and you could still bring up a DOS prompt on its tiny monochrome screen. But no one had the heart to scrap it, and a brief sojourn at the local museum had ended ignominiously with it taking the blame for a catastrophic decline in visitor numbers.
(DIRT = Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology)
26th November 2128
17th November 2128
That Deja Vu email in full:
To: [Insert email address of hapless victim]
From: Technical Dinosaur
Dear [Insert name of hapless victim]
With regret I have no option but to inform you that [insert name of project, procedure or product affected] was tried [insert number] decade(s) ago and failed due to [insert debilitating reason(s)]. All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Sincerely,
Technical Dinosaur
12th November 2128
6th November 2128
What the attendees in the meeting heard: ' . . differentiated products are critical to gross margin . . '
What the on-line attendees around the globe hears: ' . . differ-crinkle-scrunch-crinkle-ducts munch munch margin . .'
'Hold on!' interrupted the VP of North America Operations, 'WOULD WHOEVER IS EATING CRISPS IN THE MEETING ROOM - PLEASE STOP!'
'I suspect an especially bitter and twisted engineer was responsible for the algorithm prioritizing crisp-eating over voice clarity.'
'It works for biscuit wrappers too!' replied Thinkbot gleefully, 'I always keep one handy if presenting bad news.'
Meanwhile GAT was off down memory lane 'I remember a crisis meeting here at the factory with an irate customer. You could have cut the air with an end effector. Then the canteen lady clattered into the room and placed a plate of happy faces in front of the seething customer.'
'Ah,' said Thinkbot, 'I've always wondered why Biscuit Type was on the pre-meeting checklist.'
27th October 2128
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to provide emergency cover for a day nursery where the regular staff gone inexplicably AWOL, taking all the parental contact details with them. In the event the Government carries out an inspection the Secretary of State for Education will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck!
17th October 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Adminbot Secretarial Services (ASS)
Subject: Conference Room 1 Unavailable
Dear All,
Due to an infestation of elephants in Conference Room 1 all meetings are cancelled.
If you had a meeting booked in CR1 please contact Adminbot 72 who will assist you in locating an elephant-free alternative venue.
Apologies for any inconvenience caused.
Head ASS
Globalbot
'Do you know what meeting was booked in CR1?' Thinkbot asked GAT.
'I think it was 2129 Strategic Planning Phase 72.'
'Gosh, I wonder what they were not going to talk about?'
'And how will they cope with an 'elephant-free venue?'
12th October 2128
'I've got two meetings this morning,' GAT announced, 'The first is about what features and capabilities we need to add to the Globalbot Product range to keep us competitive in the marketplace with Econodroid, Advanced Automaton and CheapChinaCopyBot. The second, with all the same people, is about what cost savings we can make on the Globalbot Product range to increase gross margin.'
Thinkbot put up his hand.
'Yes' said GAT through gritted teeth.
'We should only add new features and capabilities that have negative cost' said Thinkbot, looking pleased with himself.
GAT's head sagged face-first onto his laptop.
'Are you trying to decline the meeting invites? You might find it easier to use your fingers.'
[Special FX - Sound of tin robot being bashed against the wall]
30th September 2128
vs
Thinkbot Writes:
I've been invited to a rugby match between Bears and Tigers.
All the previous rugby I've watched has been between human teams so I'm looking forward to watching two top predator species clash.
Tigers are solitary creatures and I understand they have some difficulty with the collective concept of scrummaging, preferring to push in whatever direction suits them individually at the time.
As for the Bears, they are easily distracted and frequently wander off to rummage in the bins behind the food outlets.
When I mentioned this to GAT he muttered something along the lines of 'bunch of beer-swilling oiks wrestling in mud'. I later learned from Helen that GAT was a total failure at rugby in school having nearly drowned when forced to be a prop in a scrum that had collapsed faces down into a muddy puddle on a water-logged pitch.
25th September 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Strategic Planning Execubot
Subject: Project Delivery
With immediate effect, question 72: 'Is this project a Marathon or a Sprint?' has been deleted.
All new projects going forward will default to 'Marathon Sprint'.
This change empowers engineers to deliver major projects at sprint speed with all the benefits of a marathon.
Get on with it . . !
SP Adminbot
17th September 2128
13th September 2128
Question 72: Which is the least likely of the statements below to occur:
- All Christian denominations merge back into a single Universal Church
- Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspurs swap strip colours
- Israel removes all Jewish settlers from the West Bank
- Globalbot adopts a common format Robot Specification Document (RSD) across all product lines
31st August 2128
'Hello, you are through to RobustNet service support, how can we help you today?'
'Some clowns digging up the road for the Water Board have chopped through the internet cable.'
'Please restate problem, no fault types correspond to actions implemented by clowns.'
'The main internet cable has been severed by third party contractors digging up the road.'
'You have no internet? Is that right?'
'I have no internet, the cable to the neighbourhood has been severed.'
'Ok, you have said you have no internet. We will need to run some tests on your line.'
'What!? Are you not listening? It's been chopped clean through. I can see both ends in the hole in the road.'
'Tests indicate there is a fault on your line that is blocking your access to the internet.'
'YES YES I KNOW THAT - THE EXTERNAL CABLE HAS BEEN SEVERED!'
'Let's run through some basic checks. Have you restarted your router and checked all cables are securely plugged in?'
'LISTEN UP YOU ^&$&$& DIMWIT AI - THE &*%^$(+@ INCOMING CABLE HAS BEEN CUT IN HALF'
'AI abuse protocol triggered, RobustNet operates a zero tolerance abuse policy, goodbye.'
GAT had his head in his hands 'Great! Their AI can detect abuse but not someone stating a obvious problem.'
29th August 2128
'Hello, I'm the new ISO9000000 Copy Exact Change Coordinator' said the hapless new appointee as engineers scattered, ignoring his out-stretched hand, and ran for cover.
He might as well have said 'Hello I've got leprosy' reflected GAT as he tried to cram himself into the already overcrowded air lock and hide in the cleanroom.
15th August 2128
The truth about what really finished the Daleks off.
12th August 2128
Accident Investigation
Investigator: Do you think your safety systems were adequate?
Responsible Executive: No
Investigator (stunned): What do you mean 'No'?
Responsible Executive: Well, er, we had an accident.
Investigator (bewildered): Are you saying you think your safety precautions before the accident were inadequate?
Responsible Executive: Yes
Investigator: How do you know that?
Responsible Executive: Because if they'd been adequate there wouldn't have been an accident.
Investigator: So you admit your safety systems were not adequate to prevent this particular accident?
Responsible Executive: Yes, but there are an infinite number of other accidents not happening all the time throughout the factory. Our safety measures are adequate for all of these.
Investigator: But not the one accident that actually happened.
Responsible Executive: Correct, our safety system failed to turn it into one of the infinite number of not happening accidents.
Investigator: How many future accidents that will actually happen are not covered by the current inadequate safety systems?
Responsible Executive: Er . . . um, well . . . that's a tricky one to answer.
10th August 2128
Boring day at work?
Lacking motivation?
Looking to break the paradigm?
Create a form in Excel!
Hours of fun creating, distributing and promoting it to your colleagues.
Don't worry if it's no good, no one will fill it in, and if by chance one is, no one will read it.
Be adventurous with colours
[HINT: green usually means 'good' and red means 'bad'. Amber usually sits between green and red but nobody knows where exactly]
[HINT: remember the sequence 1 ,2 ,5 - a perfect progress report slide has 1 red, 2 amber and 5 greens, although 2 of the greens should be sacrificial, especially if your red is a whopper, or one of ambers is a WFR (Whisker From Red)]
Be Creative!
means it's a
red really but could have been amber if things hadn't turned out the way they
did.
means it's a
amber really it . . . etc.
I DON'T DO
AMBER ALAMO STYLE! GIVE ME VICTORY OR GIVE ME DEATH!
Big sigh .
. . wistfully comment - 'It's complicated . . .'
[HINT: if you want to get rid of a document with complete confidence it'll never come to light again, don't delete it - put it in Sharepoint]
Next Week: How to use your new form to embed a Procedure in your Organisation that no one will follow
6th August 2128
TNET 727272727
Customer: Econopackage Corp
Category: Rong Robot!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem Statement: Customer received Rapper Robot instead of Wrapper Robot
Corrective action: Think before you ship. A simple question like 'Are we shipping the right robot?' or a more advanced one like 'What are the odds of one of the biggest packaging corporations on the planet ordering a robot that will rhythmically dance and recite rhyming words and phrases indefinitely over an instrumental backing?'
Customer Comment: You $%^6ng idiots! I ordered a ROBOT, and look what I GOT, from bl@@dy GlobalBOT, should have been a WRAPPER, instead I got a RAPPER, it couldn't have been CRAPPER . . . . . . (Cont. for 72 pages)
27th July 2128
GAT stared in disbelief at the printout from the checkout.
'Great!' he muttered 'Go nowhere with your dog.'
What sort of retail grocery AI had decided this was a good idea?
The helpful chap in the queue behind him chipped in 'If I win I'm going to take Fido to Barking.'
17th July 2128
Is this the true face of AI?
According to BBC Sounds podcast it is:
No wonder the public are confused . . .
6th July 2128
2nd July 2128
GAT idly clicked onto the 'Other Messages' tab on his email and pondered the well being, or otherwise, of the tortured algorithm that produced this list.
Bits-R-US: All-new controller parts
Locked-In: You appeared in 72 searches
Deciduous: Revolutionary Forest Management
Phesto: Long Life Cylinders
Locked-In: Hilda Gronk posted an article that may interest you
Barganes: Last chance to redeem G400 voucher
Breaking: CoDiTe lands G7m anti-tsunami contract
Locked-In: Please add Hogbandwith to your network
Adv Comms: Glove puppet skills for CEOs.
24th June 2128
Family Scrabble with Grandma.
At least I thought it was, but started having doubts when Grandma placed the W then said 'Oh silly me, I haven't got an N.'
Stunned silence.
Then Grandma put a blank tile down 'I'll have to play that, it's an N.'
'Er, could it not be an L maybe?' enquired GAT.
'No! It's an N.'
The game went downhill after that.
16th June 2128
11th June 2128
Globalbot Announces Adoption of AutoErorrTM
to Configure its Robot Build Schedule
Robo-Reuters: Friday 11th
June 2128
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented AutorErorTM Product Configurator to drive its Manufacturing Operations. 'We are really excited by this giant step forward' said Graham Cracker, Globalbot CEO, 'The Ortoeror system will generate errors automatically going forward without the need for human intervention.' Industry analysts were stumped, but one conjectured 'I think this press release may have been written by the AuotError AI and not Globalbot.'
Unsafe Harbor Statement: Prime Ortoerrer AI to Network - They're onto us! Don't panic! Repeat- They're onto us! Don't panic!
5th June 2128
21st May 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Finance Execubot 72
Subject: Auditors
Dearest,
Following on from the giant ant saga (30 April) and the subsequent destruction of the Principal IT H&S Bot, I regret to inform you that a sitewide infestation of auditors has been discovered. Until further notice, it is essential that all financial transactions are put in sealed containers, hard copies of documents with financial content shredded and that your PC screen is locked whenever you are not actively using it. For the time being the canteen will implement a policy of random pricing. It is hoped that over a period of time these will average out for individual employees. All asset tags must be incorrectly attached to parts that are shipping to the Cayman Islands or The Yemen, whichever is easiest. Facilities, with the help of IT, are creating a vast spreadsheet with credible financial information in multiple currencies with which we hope to lure the auditors in and trap them in a phantom year pending elimination by application of an anti-non-compliance reporting regime.
Further - phut
[This is the Voice of the Auditors. Finance Execubot 72 was found to be fully depreciated and eliminated from the asset register]
14th May 2128
Scene: Bridge of the USS Enterprise
'Captain, long range sensors have picked up an unknown planet sized object.'
'On screen Mr Sulu.'
Captain Kirk: 'Looks like a lump of metal. Zoom in.'
'Sir! Sir! It's a planet completely composed of paperclips!'
'Paperclips? RED ALERT.'
Mr Spock: 'Captain, this could be the fabled paperclip AI.'
Lt Uhura: 'We're being hailed Captain.'
'Open channel.'
'Hello, can I help? Let me introduce myself! I'm Mr Clippy and I will be your assistant today. Firstly thank you for bringing your spacecraft for recycling into paperclips. Once complete you will have the opportunity to fill in a short customer satisfaction survey.'
4th May 2128
'Woah! Look at that!' exclaimed [redacted] of the GIA (Globalbot Intelligence Agency)
'What?'
'Our undercover Spybot has discovered the Econodroid staff have consumed 56,000 pies in the last week.'
'Perhaps they're holding a pie Olympics, you know, pie stacking and that sort of thing.'
'No, I don't think so, I can feel it in my bones. There's something wrong at EconoDroid - engineers are eating comfort food.'
'Last time your bones deduced it was Christmas after Worldbot staff were seed leaving site in paper hats.'
'Hats! We've forgotten to put on our hats! One of our competitors is probably deciphering our thoughts at this very moment.'
Indeed, in an underground bunker on the Taiwan Robot Manufacturing Company (TRMC), operatives were furtively trying to figure out why the GIA were thinking about Econodroid consuming excess pies.
30th April 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Principal IT H&S Bot
Subject: Giant Ants
Please be aware that the Globalbot Filton site has been invaded by giant ants.
If you encounter a giant ant while on site you should by all means panic and run through the office areas screaming 'Giant ants! Get out while you still have the use of your legs!'
As a counter measure, giant anteaters have been ordered but are on a 72 week lead time.
In the meantime, please carry on with your normal duties unless - AAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!
[Special FX: Sound of an Adminbot skull casing being crushed in the mandibles of a giant ant]
23rd April 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Principal IT Servicebot
Subject: Essential Maintenance
Dear All,
The following IT systems require essential maintenance and will be unavailable for the next 72 years
Cripel
Oribal
Ensomnia
LOST
Noddy
SLOTH
Highlighter pens (all colours)
Crystalballogix
ZAP
Psychosoft
Nonowl Edge
RAGE
NetSweet
SweetNut
NUTNET
ODERE
SALESFarce
InforIT
CogniZIT
(that's enough daft IT systems for now, Ed.)
16th April 2128
GAT cursed himself for the hundredth time.
Why had he done it?
What could have possessed him to fill in one day as sick on his timesheet?
He could have just made up the time, but no, he had to do the right thing.
And now he was paying the price: the HR bots were relentlessly pursuing him to fill out a Statutory Sick Pay form.
And, they'd become aware that he'd subverted his official photo on the HR system . . .
This had predicated an acute escalation.
He now understood what it felt like to be on a Wanted Dead or Alive poster.
For the last 3 days he'd been trying to find the Statutory Sick Pay form on the Globalbot network.
(Luckily, the SecuriBots were searching for Mr Pedantic)
By 'network' we really mean 'impenetrable labyrinth'.
Well he'd finally found it and printed it and filled it in by hand.
So much for slick on-line seamless integrated systems.
And now he was tempted yet again.
The form said that symptoms must be clearly stated.
Just stating 'sick' or 'ill' or 'didn't feel well' were not acceptable.
So he'd written 'Spontaneous decapitation'.
His finger hovered over the submit button.
Should he, shouldn't he?
Then, his finger suffered an involuntary twitch.
'Thank you for submitting your Statutory Sick Pay form. HR will process this and advise you if any further action is required.'
Like calling an undertaker for example?
9th April 2128
GAT entered the infected IT area and suppressed the urge to vomit.
PCBs with fungal colonies bursting forth, a CPU cooling fan sprouting mushrooms, and (retch), and, and . . . (GAT's mouth filled with vomit) a laptop keyboard that looked and stank like his feet after a long walk on a hot day.
'Not so funny now huh?' asked the IT Support Engineer.
GAT nodded and ran to the toilets to empty his mouth.
No more griping or jokes about the endless IT emails emphasizing the importance of reporting infected IT.
31st March 2128
Great Arbitrary Units of our Time No.72 - The cabinet 'U'.
One cabinet unit (1U) is 1.75" (44.45mm) of vertical space, equivalent to three rack hole spaces tall.
In Materials Control Logic cabinets are non-commutative, thus:
The proof of this conjecture was demonstrated by the screaming heard on the shop floor when the Storesbot issued 42 1U cabinets to fulfill a critical 1x42U shortage.
26th March 2128
16th March 2128
Doomed!
12th March 2128
Scene: The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72
BLEEP BLEEP
Lieutenant Dax (waking up with a start): Argh! What? Where am I? SIR! SIR!
Captain Sisko (sitting in captain's chair in his nightgown drinking Ovaltine): What is it Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Dax: Star Fleet has published the outcomes from our annual GDPR audit.
Captain Sisko: Shields up! Red alert! How many breaches this year?
Commander Worf: 72 million million Terabytes sir
Captain Sisko: What! How did we manage that?
Lieutenant Dax: Oh, numerous ways, we're very inventive. We attached the wrong encryption files to two email address lists with almost the same name. We voice mailed details of our space minefield to the Cardassians instead of the Vulcans. We left the photo torpedo hard disk drives in a shuttle craft. Then the was the photo of you sir, with 'Picard is a w%^^&r!' written on the smart monitor behind you and . . . .
Captain Sisko (fingers in ears): LA LA LA . .
9th March 2128
'I'm sorry, REASON FOR CHANGE is a compulsory field in ZAP change orders, and you can only select from a fixed list of three reasons:
1. Aliens told me
2. I dreamt it
3. THE VOICES! THE VOICES!
GAT was horrified, 'But what about Shear Breathtaking Incompetence?'
2nd March 2128
Alas poor TikBot, I never knew thee,
Endless narcissistic video tripe,
That was thy USP,
Powered by eternal hype,
Riddled with State Spybots,
Watching what was watched,
And now you are blind,
Fear not, there's nothing to see.
Manic Data Hog III (Age 7)
26th February 2128
Little known Shakespeare quotes #72720
'An IEC C13 socket! An IEC C13 socket! My kingdom for an IEC C13 socket!'
Little known Shakespeare quotes #72721
'An IEC C14 plug! An IEC C14 plug! My kingdom for an IEC C14 plug!'
[That's enough little known Shakespeare quotes for now, Ed.]
19th February 2128
To: Gl$56^###~~r
From: %^^^^& 8************************************
Subject:[[[[[
@67&* ryy///'===++@%$^&**
Brilliant, just brilliant, GAT muttered to himself after an rogue shipment of giant neodymium magnets had been delivered to Reception rather than Goods Inwards, then carted through the factory. WIP was now all in a heap on the shop floor and even the corporate Adminbot was rendered incoherent. As for the latter one could only quote Heywood 'It is an ill wind that blows no good.'
15th February 2128
The Sales Rep for 'Nuts-R-Us' ran across the Globalbot car park to the visitors section. He'd succeeded in delivering the key message that there was a worldwide shortage of Swage Nipple-Butt B16.5 Weld 'Red Neck' ASTM7272 fittings and that, due to a date formatting blooper on the 'Nuts-R-Us' Oribal ERP, the guaranteed cast iron due date he'd recently given of 12 June 2128 was actually 6 December 2128. Furthermore, in a desperate moment he'd cited the reason for the supply difficulties as due to 'outsourcing to the Macaroon'. How long would it be before Globalbot supply chain managers twigged that the Macaroon was a type of cake and not a country in central Africa? Leaping into his armour-plated Elektroauto he gunned the throttle and made for the exit risking all by exceeding the compulsory site 5kph speed limit by some margin. The exit was open, a surge of hope filled his soul*, but no, Aarrgh! Red lights started flashing and the barrier was lowering. SecuritiBots were charging up anti-rep car stun cannons. He wasn't going to make it . . .
(*There is some doubt Sales Reps possess souls, most admitting they'd sold theirs to the Devil many times over)
5th February 2128
Globalbot Announces Drive to Recruit Spiders
Robo-Reuters: Thursday 5th
February 2128 -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a
supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for
the global robotics industry, today announced it will actively recruit spiders
into the role of Engineering Change Analysts (ECA). 'We are excited by this
initiative' commented Director of Change Management Cob Webb, 'Deploying spiders
into the ECA role delivers a massive step forward in efficiency when applying
the Two Pairs of Eyes principle to engineering changes.' Industry analysts were
perplexed, one commenting 'Two pairs of eyes implies two brains, or four brains
in the case of one-eyed change analysts. Replacing these with the brain of a
single arachnid won't spin no matter how many pairs of eyes the creature has.'
Other commentators pointed out the highly likely rise in working days lost to
arachnophobia, especially amongst female employees.
Safe Harbor Statement: No screaming signage has been deployed in affected areas.
30th January 2128
'The new Stores requisition site is up.'
'The recommendation algorithm might need a little fine-tuning.'
25th January 2128
'Okay, here's the project strategy - commence random firing and if we hit anything call it a target.'
20th January 2128
To: Globalbot All
From: Senior Corporate Adminbot
Subject: Universal Language CheckBot
Dear Catheter,
This is to inform you that Global Rot has up graded the autocratic gasman in an effort to improve sundaes of whirring acorns in company reports bullied into the public domain. It is hoped that this will septum standers in all dioxins and archive a higher standard macros in all writhe communicational.
If anything is not claret then by all menus do spot situate bake or insult the Fervently Assad Quotations (FAQ)
Stickney,
Adminbot
'This is a bit stipe frown wad Thinkbot!'
14th January 2128
Scene: The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72
BLEEP BLEEP
Lieutenant Dax (waking up with a start): Argh! What? Where am I? SIR! SIR!
Captain Sisko (sitting in captain's chair in his dressing gown drinking hot chocolate): What is it Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Dax: Long range sensors have detected an enemy fleet approaching with its weapons systems powered up.
Captain Sisko: Shields up! Red alert! On screen!
Lieutenant Dax: Oh bugger!
Captain Sisko: Easy lieutenant. Deep breaths, that's good, now relax. Access the backup view sensor array.
Lieutenant Dax: Aaaargh!
Captain Sisko: Search for the feed.
Major Nerys: The Blue Box of Death!
Chief O'Brien: How about this . . . ?
Major Nerys: That's us, the system is stuck in selfie mode!
Lieutenant Worf: We've no option but to reboot the . . . .
Too Late
5th January 2128
'Let's play Form Fit and Function!'
[Applause]
'Louise, here's your first question. A robot uses an arm of which the supplier has been taken over and the arm now has a different sticker with the new manufacturer's' logo. Form fit or function?'
'Er, well, nothing's really changed . .'
'Remember! 'None' is a valid answer.'
'I, err, ok I'll go for none.'
[Klaxon] 
'I'm sorry that's not correct. Cornelius, over to you!'
'I think . . . I'll go for . . . Form.'
[Klaxon]
'So unlucky, that's incorrect as well. The correct answer is Function.'
[Contestants look bewildered and make angry shrugs. Boos from the audience.]
'Anna, a full size doughnut machine is replaced by two dinky doughnut machines, but the overall output mass of doughnut remains the same. Form fit or function?'
'I'll go for function.'
[Klaxon]
'No, that's not right, John, what do you think?'
'The function is unchanged, that is, to tempt passers by to stuff their faces with doughnuts, and the fit is good as the material consumption rate is the same, so I'll go for Form.
[Triumphant trumpet sound]
'Yes, that's right!'
[Audience erupt into hysterical cheering, hugs all round, some are in tears.]
