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2128

 

 

26th December 2129

  

Sodor Railways Implement Workshy - 'A System for Conceit, Hype and Self-Promotion.'

 

Before

The people along their line put the flags out and cheered the engines back to the shed where hundreds waited to see them. 'Nothing anywhere compares with our Fat* Controller's Engines. Well done, well done indeed!'

 

After

The people along the line stood in stunned silence . . .

 * WOKE Incident to be investigated.

 

24th December 2129

   

Anticipating the arrival of family for Christmas, security forces have been deployed to the Xmas tree as a precautionary measure. 'These highly visible measures should minimise the risk of regime change over the festive season' stated the incumbent dictator GAT, 'Merry Christmas!'

 

21st December 2129

 

18th December 2129

 

16th December 2129

 

Ask the AI for a summary of Communism and you get:

etc. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It would not occur to an AI to answer:

Communism - The greatest idea never implemented.

If you're curious about a specific aspect or want to know more about a particular period or country, then tough luck, you won't get it here.

 

10th December 2129

 

There was an outbreak of indifference to the news that Globalbot's legacy ORIBAL and CRIPEL systems had both passed away peacefully.

Hoever there was complete pandemonium when it was announced that highlighter pens and Pastit [sic.] Notes would no longer be stocked in the stationery cupboard.

'We're doomed!' cried one employee 'Nothing happens around here unless it's highlighted or written on a postit pad, usually both!' Others sobbed silently into their coffee.

Then the highlighter muggings started along with the postit black market that made Bitcoin look like child's play.

 

8th December 2129

 

 

GAT and Helen are watching the sci-fi show SILO.

GAT, as usual, was 'making observations'.

For example why SILO engineers seemed to be expected to get inside the red hot casing of a turbine whereas real engineers work in air-conditioned offices.

 

 

 

Then there came the lunacy of restarting the turbine with the casing off.

'How does that work?' asked GAT incredulously.

 

 

 

Helen was getting exasperated 'Can't you just enjoy the show?'

'Hrrmph!'

 

Then it emerged that the turbine had been running for 140 years without any maintenance, and there were no drawings, but somehow they figured it could only be turned off for 30minutes after which all the occupants of the SILO would die.

GAT lost it completely.

'IT TAKES 7 HOURS TO STOP AND RESTART A STEAM TURBINE!'

 

4th December 2129

 

24th November 2129

 

'In this course you will learn how to apply RAG traffic lights to objects such as projects and milestones is such a way that you communicate absolutely no useful information whatsoever to the hapless individuals you have succeeded in trapping in the meeting room.'

GAT raised his hand, 'Question, how does one know it's working, in particular for, say, senior managers and Marketing?'

'Good question. I'm glad you asked that. Well, there are are some clear signs like turning red and frothing at the mouth. Marketing typically chant "But  but  but  but  but  but . . ." But what? Nobody knows!'

'What about engineering managers?'

'You gotta watch them! They do underhand things like bring the previous roadmap revision and point out "All these grey RAG ratings have moved right" ' The standard responses to this are "Time flows to the left on this roadmap" or "looks like the Roadmap AI has suffered a glitch" or if desperate "You've got it upside down" and you can always claim you are saving the company a fortune in colour ink by making all the RAG ratings grey.'

'Will grey RAG ratings impact the availability of free bananas in the kitchen?'

'RAG ratings will have no effect on banana supplies.'

'Will Bananas be grey?'

'Only printed bananas will be grey. This is due to the cost of yellow ink.'

 

20th November 2129

 

 

Globalbot Training Course #72

Instructor: Can anyone tell me what Jedi stands for?

 

In a flash GAT's mind traveled to a galaxy far far away . . .

 

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

'GAT, what does justice mean in diversity, equity and inclusion?'

GAT awoke with a start 'WHAT? .  . . um . . aaargh! Where's my light sabre?'

 Incorrect

'The correct answer is: Identifying and removing barriers that prevent diversity, equity and inclusion of difference.'

 'That's what I meant to say.'

 

16th November 2129

 

14th November 2129

 

 

1st November 2129

 

'I see the Q&A starts with the usual concerns.'

 

Q: Will there still be free bananas in the kitchen?

A: Yes! World GYRAH Day will have no effect on banana supply.

 

Q: Is it okay to hug my robot while eating a banana?

A: Yes, but you are responsible for cleaning up afterwards.

 

Q: What happens if my robot eats a banana after I've given it a hug?

A: Robots should not eat bananas irrespective of hugging. Risk of electrical shock. Risk of decaying organic matter inside robot. You should power down your robot immediately and submit a ticket to the Automation AI. 

 

29th October 2129

 

AI Common Sense Failure #72,049,104,997

Owner absent mindedly left cup of tea on top of her car.

Owner submitted request to House Admin (HA) AI to bring it into the kitchen.

 

What should have happened: HA AI dispatches a Unibot to fetch and relocate it [Object: Cup of tea] to a suitable surface in the kitchen and signal task complete to HA AI.

 

What actually happened: HA AI failed to associate 'it' with the cup of tea and defaulted to it [Object: road vehicle] and instructed to Unibot to relocate the car to the kitchen.

 

Analysis: Associative 'it' ambiguity error coupled with [Object] owner error. AI unable to assign ownership of a cup of tea to common category with ownership of a road vehicle.

 

Corrective action: add case to the 72,049,104,996 open for AI Common Sense resolution.

 

Next up: Case 72,049,104,998 'Owner erroneously instructed HA AI to take the dog for a vault' [Vault should have read walk]

 

25th October 2129

 

16th October 2129

 

8th October 2129

Who's who in Globalbot #72

Hello there, I'm White Elephant and I work in Globalbot finance. My role involves tracking all the pointless projects and doomed products  that are in progress across the company. It can be tough at times especially when I turn up unexpectedly at a project review for the first time and the significance of my presence sinks in - whole project teams have been known to burst into tears! It's an interesting role with a lot of variety helping hapless losers set budgets and analyse their monthly variances, all for nothing of course, nobody cares. Everybody has lost interest in whatever these poor folks are working on that'll never see the light of day, and if it does people will say 'I thought we'd given up on that years ago.' But no, it's still limping along like a blind flatulent three-legged donkey and I take great pride in that.  My favourite activity is getting called into an emergency where the gate review question 'Should we keep this project going?' gets answered 'Yes'   'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes'  'Yes' by the various Department reps on autopilot then someone cracks and says 'No' whereupon, after a few moments horrified silence, total panic sets as everybody tries to amend their response to 'NO' before I arrive to lock them into the project for however long they've got to go to retirement. Well, I'd better get along, those projects won't go belly up by themselves.  I hope to work with most of you in the future at some point but fully understand if you don't reciprocate. 'Til then, tally ho!  

 

4th October 2129

 

The RAG rating of the 2129 strat plan had not gone well and the Globalbot F1 PR VP was irate 'WE HAD A CLEAR PLAN, ALL WE NEEDED TO DO WAS EXECUTE!'

A lone voice was heard amidst the team engineers 'We executed on the catering'.

'WHO SAID THAT?'

Silence and blank faces.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, the selfsame VP stood in front of the press.

'How do you think you've done this season so far?'

VP: 'We've made real progress and have taken several steps forward.'

'Really? But your cars are slowest on the straight, won't turn in and cook their tyres on the rare occasion you don't blow up the engine or end up in the barriers.'

VP (arteries on neck close to bursting): 'We've got our pit stops under 3 minutes and there's a major upgrade coming soon!'

 'What? To your livery?'

[Peals of laughter from the slightly tipsy press core having stumbled upon Globalbot F1's vastly improved eating and drinking options, which later transpired were funded by the missing wind tunnel budget]

 

2nd October 2129

 

29th September 2129

Globalbot Killer Application Committee

 'What we gonna do?'

'I dunno, what we gonna do?'

'Innovation! We gonna do that!'

'Innovation? What we gonna do?'

'I dunno, think of something new?'

'Ok, what we gonna do?'

'I dunno. Hey! Don't start that again!'

[And so on for 3 hours every other day forever]

 

 

11th September 2129

 

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise.

[Special FX - red alert sounding, electrical arcs and smoke]

[The Enterprise is hopelessly ensnared in the tractor beam of a Borg Cube]

Captain Kirk: 'All engines astern full warpage!'

Lt Sulu: 'Aye aye sir, full warpage astern.'

[BLEEP diddly-dee] 'Scotty here she canna taek muuch more o this captin!'

[Special FX - shuddering halt, whole bridge crew end up in a heap under the screen]

Ensign Checkov: 'Sir, we've stopped and the Borg cube as emitted a cloud of billions of small metallic objects directly towards us.'

Captain Kirk: 'On screen.'

 

 

Captain Kirk: 'What in the blue blazes?'

Spock: 'Captain, I think they're Star Fleet standard issue teaspoons.'

Captain Kirk: 'What? Magnify Mr Chekov.'

 

 

Lt. Uhura 'We're being hailed Captain.'

Captain Kirk: 'on screen.'

 

 

'I am 72 of 80 tasked with de-assimilating these metal objects with no known function.'

[Borg tractor beam releases Enterprise and warps off]

Spock: 'This explains where all the Federation teaspoons went.'

[BLEEP diddly-dee] 'McCoy here, must be time for a cuppa Jim? I'll put the kettle on.'

[Special FX: sound of kettle being filled]

 

2nd September 2129

 

Certain statements in this communication contain forward-looking statement. You can identify these and other forward-looking statements by the use of words such as "luck", "hope", "serendipitous", "desperation", "with a following wind", "prayer", "miracle" or the negative of such terms.  This post may include predictions, estimates or other information that might be considered forward-looking, nobody knows. While these forward-looking statements represent our current judgment on what the future holds, they are almost certainly wrong. Backwards-looking, otherwise known as "hindsight" statements are much more accurate in regard to what we should have done in the past if only we had known what was then in the future and which has become the hapless state of the present in which we find ourselves.

(Cont. for >1,000,000 words)

 

23rd August 2129

 

GAT is suffering from NDAT. His ancient tumble dryer, which died last week R.I.P., had one latching button switch (which had never been switched) and a timing dial which made a reassuring buzzing sound when the machine was running. GAT had a rough idea of how long it would take to dry to dry T shirts, jeans, socks, etc., and set it accordingly. GAT was happy and the dryer didn't have an pretentions about being self-aware. 

 

Now he is the proud owner of a Series XXZI AI-Enabled Tumble dryer . . . .

Please select Programme:

  - Cottons Fast

  - Cottons Slow

  - Cottons ECO

  - Easy Care

  - Mixed load

'What the %^%^!'

  - Delicates

  - Down Wear

  - Hygiene Plus

 'Stop! Stop!'

 - Shirts

 - Super Quik

 - Towels

'What? No setting for wetsuits?'

Please select boost level +1 +2 +3

Boost what exactly?

Please select Dryness Level

Cupboard Dry

Cupboard Dry Plus

Iron Dry

Pre-Iron Dry

Desert Dry

I JUST WANT THEM DRY!

 

Editors note: NDAS = New Domestic Appliance Trauma

 

13th August 2129

 

 

To: Globalbot DIRT

From: Supreme BrandBot

Subject: New Powerpunt Slide Format

Dear Group DIRT,

Please find attached your new corporate slide format

Notes:

12 is the absolute maximum level of indentation

NO EMOJIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

Graphs must glow and pictures beveled

Flash-Bang-Wallops should be used sparingly

See the FAQ

SB

PS budget slides should remain on the current (black and red skull format

 

FAQ

Q: Will there still be free bananas in the office kitchen?

A: Yes, the new slide format has no impact on banana availability 

 

26th July 2129

 

 

'Ladies, gentlemen, thank you for  joining this emergency call at such short notice. I'm afraid I have some distressing news. Recently, it's come to light that our phones have started to meet without us.'

Gasps of silent and unmuted astonishment.

'It gets worse. We tried to kick off the 2130 budget cycle this week, but discovered the phones had already completed and submitted a 2130 budget. Which looks . . eh .  . pretty good actually . . I .  .er , um ..  .'  

'Aaargh! They'll be recycling our bodies to get raw materials for batteries next!' 

 

19th July 2129

Scene: Bridge of the USS Enterprise.

[Special FX - set all screens to manual blue]

 

Lt Sulu: 'Sir, our screens . . . they've all gone blue. We can't see anything out side the ship!'

Captain Kirk: 'Calm down Mr Sulu, deep breaths, that's it, nice and slow. What? No screens? We'll crash into the next asteroid.'

Spock: 'Captain, the chances of hitting anything are zero, so small the computer can't output a small enough number.'

[BLEEP diddly-dee] 'McCoy here, what the blue blazes is going on Jim? I can't diagnose anything when all the screens are blue.'

Checkov: 'Initiating system reset, Stardate 462547.

 

Stardate 46254.7

Stardate 46258.3

Stardate 46292.1

Stardate 47895.9

 

Lnt Uhura (wakes up suddenly from deep sleep): 'Spock, oh Spock! Spock hmmmm SPOCK! . .  .Er . .  .Captain we're being hailed by a Klingon Warbird.'

 Kirk: 'On speakers'

 

'DIvwI' [BEEP] tlhIvqu'! tlhIngan [BEEP] Hol DajatlhtaHvIS, tlhIngan Hol DajatlhtaHvIS. DIvwI' [BEEP] tlhIvqu'! DIvwI' tlhIvqu BEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!'

 

Spock: 'Captain, I don't think the Klingon is very happy. He's blaming the Federation BlueStrike anti-gamma ray patch for trashing his entire ship's complement of PCs.'

Kirk: 'Green alert, prepare to apologize profusely in all known galactic languages.'

Scotty: 'Captain, it looks like software patches are a much more powerful weapon than photon torpedoes.'

Kirk: 'Affirmative, if we can avoid blue on blue incidents.'

 

14th July 2129

 

To: Globalbot All

From: STANDARD STOREBOT 727272

Subject: Stores Transactions

I AM DELITED 2 INFORM YU STORS TRASNACITONS CANNOW B VIWED LIVE ON YUR PC

CHERS,

727272

STOREBOT (STANDARD)

 

 

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! NO!'

 

 

My Jodrell Bank multi-screens are ruined! I'll never recover.'

 

7th July 2129

Making sense of Risk Assessment scoring. 

 'Hang on! You can have any Likelihood for Insignificant events and no action is required.'

'Yes, it's ok to have myriads of insignificant events.'

 'But surely an infinite number of highly probable insignificant events would have an extreme impact?'

'Hells bells! You're right, that'be a straight 30!'

'We must mitigate all insignificant events immediately!'

 

22nd June 2129

The Perils of hosting off-site meetings in hotel conference facilities.

What the laptop screen displayed:

 

What the hotel conference room screen showed:

 

It was sort of poignant watching the VP of Corporate strategy openly weep.

 

9th June 2129

 

TNET 27000001

Customer: WaterBot Interantional

Category: WHY YOU SEND US PACKAGE OF CATS?!!!

Problem Statement: Customer ordered a Multicat. Multicats are muli-purpose vessels for anchor handling, towing, mooring installation and marine inspection. Twin or triple screw with open deck capable of a variety of heavy lifting gear. 

Corrective action:  Check ZAP BOM

 

'Multicat checks out ok, it calls up the floating square boat thing.'

'Try hyphening it.'

'Ah . . .  .' Thinkbot clicked on the first line.

'Great! Not only have we got multiple in-house assembly cats on the BOM, this one has 18 front legs, two heads and an optional phantom tail.'

'I feel an escalation coming on. I'm going to lie down for a while.'

 

4th June 2129

 

GAT was engrossed in a Korean paper about perfluoro methyl vinyl ether.

'Interesting?' enquired Thinkbot.

'Absolutely gripping! And the conclusion really makes you think:

"Thus, the hunt for a new search goes on." '

'I see . . .'

'I can only assume it means something in Korean.'

 

24th May 2129

 

 

GAT's mission-critical presentation was exactly on track, when:

 

 

'What?!'

GAT hastily selected No.

 

 

'Aaaaargh!'

Aghast, GAT was by now just hitting random keys on the keyboard. 

 

 

17th May 2129

     

The WellBeingBot meandered up to GAT's desk.

'Hello GAT, you are way overdue on taking a wellness break.'

'Not now I'm in the middle of something.'

The WellBeingBot's expression became puzzled.

 'You must take a wellness break or else . .  .'

'Or else what?'

The WellBeingBot's complexion darkened and a red mist seemed to descend.

'YOU WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE A COMPULSORY WELLNESS BREAK' 

A Globalbot security Bot scuttled up from seemingly nowhere and trained its twin tazers at GAT.

'Remove you hands from the keyboard, that's it, easy does it - DO NOT TOUCH THE MOUSE! Keep you hands visible and slowly step away from your desk. Good. You are now experiencing a refreshing workplace wellness break.'

'I am  . . . . ?'

 

13th May 2129

 

'Hello, you are through to the Ikea missing persons service, please state age and gender of the missing person.'

'Sixty three year old male.'

[Long silence]

'Hello...?'

'How long has he been missing?

'5, no, it's 6 hours now.'

[Long silence]

'Hello...?'

'Madam, you should prepare for the worst.'

'What? He only nipped back in to use the toilet! We were done shopping.'

[Long silence]

'Hello...?'

'Thank you for using the IKEA missing persons service.'

[CLICK]

 

2nd May 2129

 

21st April 2129

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Project Control

Subject: Moving Goal Posts obsolete

 

Dear All,

I regret to inform you that MGPs have been obsoleted without a equivalent replacement available.

All new projects must be planned with Fixed Goal Posts (FGP) with immediate effect.

May I express my total ambivalence regarding any inconvenience caused. 

Please read the Q&A

 

Regards,

GanntBot

Senior Project Product Phantom Object Manager

 

Q&A

What will happen if a planned FGP is found to be in the wrong place?

It will stay there

How will lack of progress against a FGP be reported at a project review?

Probably best not to

How will we get a ball in the net if FGP are are in the past?

The MGP are obsolete not time-travelling balls

Will there still be free bananas in the office kitchens?

Forget about the %£^^ing bananas!

 

 

16th April 2129

 

WARNING! New Product Launch Detected

 

 GAT considered the dashboard warning lights and activated his unofficial short cut onto the Marketing drive.

 

' . . . based on Roark's seminal work the idea is to create two new products for the mechanical design sector - Stressio and Strainio! By splitting stress and strain we think we can double the demand, capture 99% of the served available market and in the process smash the living daylights out of Miscalculation Corp.'  

 [Special FX: sounds of whooping and cheering and gasps of pure joy. Consider adding in a few pistol shots and gas alarm noises]

 

'Miscalculation? Mechalculation Corp surely. Bit of a Freudian autocorrect.

 

 

 

GAT looked at the shared screen.

How do we tell them apart?

'How do we tell them apart?' someone asked.

 

Well, Stressio has S emblazoned on its chest panel, and Strainio has, er, um, no this isn't right . . . we'll work on that outside the meeting. The main point is that they perform different functions. Strainio majors in stiff objects creating large stresses and minimal deformation. Stressio is the expert in materials that deform readily under low stress.'

 

GAT was bewildered.

Isn't that the wrong way around?

'Isn't that the wrong way around?' someone asked

 

Well, er, we thought that, - let's take that out of this meeting.

 

Is it time to go home yet? What! Only 14:45 . . .

 

7th April 2129

 

29th March 2129

 

'Thinkbot, I think we need a better bookcase!'

 

16th March 2129

 

12th March 2129

 

7th March 2129

 

1st March 2129

 

23rd February 2129

 

- An Alternative Film Review

Explanatory Note: UHEZ - Ultra High Emissions Zone

 

19th February 2129

 

16th February 2129

 

15th February 2129

Damn you autocorrect!

 

10th February 2129

 

7th February 2129

Lean Manufacturing training.

 

 

The trainer was droning on, 'The lean manufacturing concept originated in the late 1980s and was developed in the 1990s to be the recognizable system we use today. The Aliens category was a later addition in the 2000s to reflect the fact that there are some organizations out there that'll take a PO for anything if it bumps up the revenue line for the quarter.' The attendees minds started to drift.

 

'I can think of a couple more categories that could be added' GAT whispered to Thinkbot.

'For example REPLICATORS!'

 

'And then there's always the end of quarter CHASERS!'

 

4th February 2129

'The Retarded Lethargy XFR720B power supply went obsolete in January 2124, 5 years ago.'

'What!' exclaimed Product Management, 'No one told us!'

GAT grabbed an envelope and started scribbling.

 'Let me see, Engineering are about 20m from Product Management in the open plan office. And it took five years for this news to reach them. So, er, um . . . information within Globalbot travels at roughly 4m/year. This could explain a lot Thinkbot.'

'I don't know' replied Thinkbot from his desk 2m distant from GAT's, 'I'll let you know in six months.'

 

26th January 2129

 

16th January 2129

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!'

Never before had a simple Unibot let out such a blood-curdling voice app.

GAT came over to see what the hollering was all about.

'Oh, the flow chart from Hell, and that's only page 1 of 10.'

Clang! Thinkbot hit the deck and feigned a blown fuse.

 

14th January 2129

     

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Securibot

Subject: This weeks missing items rosta

  - Gearwretch GW81908 SAE Crowfoot Wrench 5/18"

   - White tin with lid handle and tin marked 'CAKE'

   - Ratcheting wire crimper

   - Globalbot umbrella retro logo x10 (yes, whole box gone awol)

   - Container ship 'Ocean Bed Express'

If you have any of these items, please return them, or if you know their whereabouts, please contact Globalbot Security AI.

Regards,

Securibot

 

  

9th January 2129

 

First steps on yet another one system to rule them all and in the darkness bind them.

As for previous systems GAT immediately dived into the profile settings and changed his picture profile:

 

From to

 

Normally no one notices, and if they do it only results in some minor banter.

But not this time:

 

Your request has been submitted for approval by HR, Corporate Branding and your Divisional VP.

 

Aaaaaargh! How do I cancel it? There's no cancel request function! Panicky email required

 

To: HR

From: GAT

Subject: workshy profile picture

I seem to have accidentally changed my profile picture to a character from the Mr Men series.

Please reject!

Thanks GAT 

 

To: GAT

From: HR

Subject: Re: workshy profile picture

Hi GAT,

Yes we saw that and fast-tracked it on to Corporate Branding.

I'm sure they'll be in touch shortly, followed by your VP.

Best Regards,

Percy Knell

 

The headless chickens are coming home to roost!

A bridge too far over the Rubicon!

 

6th January 2129

 

To: Globalbot All

From: Engineering Change Control

Subject: Attitude Intolerant Artificial Intelligence (AIAI)

 

Dear All,

Happy New Year.

Please note that Attitude Intolerant Artificial Intelligence (AIAI (pronounced 'aye-aye')) module has been activated for implementation of engineering change orders (ECOs) in . With immediate effect Any ECOs submitted via with attitude problems will be rejected. The AIAI will output a reason code for rejected ECOs, for example:

 

Code

GRPCAD     - excess griping transferring files directory

 UIMOAN      - persistent muttering filling multiple data fields

BDGRAM    - incorrect punctuation text fields

KEYBNG    - thumper type fail

 

For further guidance consult the FAQ: 

 

AIAI FAQ

Q: Is this AIAI module the same as the SEGA character, banana-loving protagonist of the Super Monkey Ball series?

A: No

Q: So the boxes of free bananas in the office kitchen areas are safe?

A: Yes

Q: Should I submit an ECO if I'm in a bad mood?

A: It is 99.99999% certain that the AIAI will detect your mood and reject your ECO. Eat a free banana and resubmit if your mood improves.

 

 

2128

 

2127

 

2126

 

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