8th December 2130
GAT ducked instinctively as the volcano belched up another plume of red hot lava. Seconds later came the sound of rocks pelting the outside of the bunker that GAT was sheltering in. He'd been there two days, cut off by the lava flow. Safe but stranded. All the comms had gone down and heaven only knew the fate of the 50 thermally resistant robots that had gone over the rim into the crater 24 hours ago and which he was supposedly trackcing.
'Nice little trip for you!' Wendy Bafers had said.
'You'll get to see our Volcanobotic Crawlers in action up close. And a chance to meet some key customers and do some networking' she'd continued enthusiastically.
GAT looked out of the slot and jumped out of day-dreaming mode. Was that a . . . ? Could it be a . . . ? Yes, it was. There was a robot climbing the slope of the volcano towards the bunker, albeit painfully slowly as it picked it's way across the lava streams. GAT winced as the robot tool a direct hit from a lava bomb, but it carried on advancing doggedly. GAT could only think it was bringing information on a rescue plan. And about time too.
After what seemed like an eternity the robot made it into the bunker.
'IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR GAT'
'Yes' replied GAT expectantly.
'YOUR APPRAISAL SUBMISSON HAS BEEN REJECTED.'
GAT stared blankly at the robot. 'Why?'
'REASON: THE DIVERSITY, EQUITY AND INCLUSION SECTION WAS LEFT BLANK.'
GAT couldn't believe his ears.
'URGENT ACTION: FILL IN THE DIVERSITY, EQUITY AND INCLUSION SECTION AND RESUBMIT.'
'Does being cut-off on the slopes of an active volcano not qualify me for an exemption?'
'NO'
26th November 2130
Scene: Bridge Deep Sleep 72
Context: Trying to think of a name for a critical mission through the wormhole
Captain Sisko looked at the list and was not impressed. 'Is this really the best we can do?'
First officer Nerys: 'Er, yes sir, well, it's just that the Federation has run out of names, and all we can do is adapt existing ones.'
Captain Sisko 'For subspace's sake! Can't we do better than this? And what in St Picard's name is that mission badge all about?'
Chief O'Brien: 'Captain It was all we had left in stores captain. And its meaning has been lost.'
Sisko (very angry): 'Seems clear to me! It's someone slipping on their own piss!' liquid emissions!'
Lieutenant Dax: 'I don't think so sir, it's listed as a gas hazard sign.'
Sisko (apoplectic): 'OK SO IT'S SOMEONE BLOWN OFF THEIR FEET BY A SPONTANEOUS FART!' gaseous emissions!'
Safe Harbor Statement: The producer of this episode of Deep Space 72 apologizes for any offence caused by the wayward script which falls well below the standards this show sets itself. Our aim right from the outset has been a show that sends you to sleep by the end of the first scene and we will endeavor to return to this high standard as soon as possible. For those still watching who are awake we thank you for your patience.
20th November 2130
14th November 2130
GAT was slumped in his office chair whilst others tried to reconstruct how we ended up where we are.
'No, no. R72-42A/IIISP07.8 was developed from R63-21B/III not R63-22A/II!'
'NO YOU'RE WRONG! IT WAS R63-22A/II!'
It was getting tense.
'I'm still not convinced R63-22A/II evolved from R63-21ZX/III.'
'Yes it was.'
'No it wasn't'
'Yes it was.'
'No it wasn't'
[Cont. until the sun expands or lunchtime, whichever comes first]
4th November 2130
Super Off-Line Calendar System
100% guaranteed against web hackers and on-line scammers!
View your whole year in one glance!
NO UPDATES to befuddle ease of use!
Zero, yes ZERO, power consumption!
Permanent display of to how long it is to your next holiday!
Stop your colleagues filling your precious free time with provisional meetings!
No typing skills required!
Supplied with colourful stickers for hours of fun!
2nd November 2130
GAT wandered idly towards the 'Too Good to Waste' aisle to see if anything grabbed. His eyes scanned the heaps of humus, pies, cartons of fruit, treacle tarts, etc. then his eyes went wide open. Surely that's not . . . . it can't be . . . it is! It's a bottle of Highland Park 15 year old whisky! The idiot store AI controlling the stock must have had an hallucinatory moment. Ah well he thought as he put this windfall into his basket, it's an ill wind . . .
26th October 2130
Why do hackers always wear hoodies?
AI Answer: The image of hackers wearing hoodies is more of a cultural stereotype than a reflection of reality.
My answer: It's because they're all bald and ugly, nothing like on-line suppliers 100% hoodie down adverts.
12th October 2130
GAT left his tablet unlocked only for a brief moment and left the room, but his 4 year old grandson was onto it instantly in a frenzy of tapping and swiping.
This will forward 'Thomas Theme' to everyone in your contacts list. Proceed: Y/N
A little finger tapped 'Y'
GAT returned none the wiser.
He opened his email and to his horror there were 524 new messages
Whatever's going on he wondered.
6th October 2130
18th September 2130
Limited offer!
Don't miss out on this limited edition 'Truth Cap'.
Just imagine the look on the faces of your MAGA friends*!
Only $72.99 Globos
Hurry, while stocks last.
* If you had any that is. Anyway they won't be your friends much longer if you turn up to the next neighborhood BBQ sporting this headwear and engage in the shouting match that has replaced political debate in America.
16th September 2130
GAT's ended up attending some sort of introduction to religion course for 10 weeks.
Week 1 - Difficult Questions
1. Why is there something rather than nothing?
2. Is the mind the same as the brain, or do we have souls?
3. What is consciousness?
4. Who created God?
5. Can we really know what it feels like to be a bat?
'That was easy!' said GAT, using up only 30 seconds of the 15 minute allowance. 'I thought these were supposed to be difficult questions.'
The long-suffering vicar took a deep breath.
It was going to be a long evening.
12th September 2130
'Damn and blast!' exclaimed GAT as the top fell off the canteen salt cellar and grains of salt scattered over the table.
A klaxon sounded and a facilities bot appeared.
'CHEMICAL ALERT - CLEAR THE AREA - CHEMICAL ALERT - CLEAR THE AREA - CHEMICAL ALERT - CLEAR THE AREA - CHEMICAL ALERT - CLEAR THE AREA - CHEMICAL ALERT - CLEAR THE AREA . . . '
This instruction caused an immediate outbreak of indifference amidst the diners.
'What?' wailed GAT 'It's table salt!'
GAT reached out a hand to sweep the grains into a pile. The facilities bot became hysterical.
'DO NOT TOUCH THE SUBSTANCE - DO NOT TOUCH THE SUBSTANCE - DO NOT TOUCH THE SUBSTANCE - DO NOT TOUCH THE SUBSTANCE'
'Here's the MSDS' said a helpful engineer holding up her phone.
'What does it say?'
'You're not going to like it.'
'Well, it does contain sodium ands chlorine.'
4th September 2130
'Well' said Bob, 'Alice and I were trying to have a private chat when Eve tried to butt in, and one thing led to another, and here we are.'
'And,' continued Alice, 'we were hopelessly entangled but so far apart it was spooky.'
'I was simply not going to let them get away with it!' stated Eve, a quantum interloper hell bent on finding out what Bob and Alice were talking about.
'We were actually only discussing whether to have peas or beans with our dinner' admitted Bob.
'I don't believe it for a minute,' Eve countered, 'the side dish was neither peas or beans, rather both in juxtaposition, both peas and beans.'
Alice agreed 'Yes, you wouldn't know if they were peas or beans until you ate one and the souperposition collapsed.'
And so forth . . .
28th August 2130
Scene: The Bridge of the USS Enterprise
Lt. Sulu: 'Captain! Long range sensors how picked up an . . . unknown . . . object . . . no it's a swarm of . . . er . . .'
Capt Kirk: 'Come on man, spit it out!'
Lt. Sulu: 'Sir! It's a cloud of milky way wrappers!'
Capt Kirk: 'On screen!'
Capt Kirk: 'Magnify.'
Commander Spock: 'Captain this could be the fabled Milky Way GDPR breach where the personal data of millions of Federation inhabitants across multiple planetary systems was printed on Milky Way bar wrappers.'
LEGAL INTERLUDE - GDPR
Lt. Uhura: 'Captain we are being hailed.'
Capt Kirk: 'On screen!'
'Hail federation ship! I am the Milky Way Kid!'
Kirk gestures to Uhura to go on mute.
Kirk: 'I thought it was The Milky Bar kid?'
Spock: 'It would appear this image is a deep fake created by a hostile AI.'
Kirk: 'Red alert! shields up! Set photon torpedoes to shred.'
17th August 2130
8th August 2130
GAT heard Duwkits, VP Manufacturing Globalbot UK, heading towards his office 'I SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE IT!'
GAT considered his escape options, but it was too late, he was trapped.
Duwkits thundered in waving a drawing and slammed it down on the desk in front of GAT 'EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WE HAVE DESIGNED A WASHER?'
'Er, um, well. . .'
'AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME SOMEONE MODELED IT ON CAD!'
'Ah, I, er, think that, maybe . . . hmmm '
Click click click
'IT'S THE SIMPLEST NO-BRAINER MAKE-BUY DECISION ON EARTH! I DON'T WANT MY PURCHASING TEAM CHASING BESPOKE WASHERS!'
'Let me have a look . . . no, yes . . it's an advanced washer . .'
'ADVANCED WASHER?!'
[Cont for 72 minutes]
3rd August 2130
Helpful Road Signs #72:
'The Split Diversion'
28th July 2130
An exciting new publication in the ever-popular 'Where's Wally' format - 'Where's Dark Matter?' put together by Stroppy Astrophysicists. If you thought finding Wally was difficult then finding Dark Matter takes difficulty that'll challenge even the most persistent find-it addict. Dark matter is estimated to make up about 85% of the matter in the universe; no Wally picture is 85% Wally, so spotting dark matte should be a doddle . . . right?
2025
20th July 2130
The Parable of the 3 year budget forecast
'And what do we learn from this?' asked GAT.
Blank looks amongst the engineers.
GAT sighed 'Any questions?'
A hand shot up 'What sort of train wreck would it be? Could we model it?'
15th July 2130
GAT's back from a week in Cornwall complaining of a bad back due to sitting on too many lop-sided picnic benches. He's going to start a campaign . . .
Helen wasn't impressed, 'So it wasn't that monster wave* that wiped you out on your body board?'
(*GAT's description)
Helen muttered something about starting a campaign for level surf.
8th July 2130
5th July 2130
Globalbot Announces Adoption of PAINTM
(Personal Artificial Intelligence Network)
Robo-Reuters: Wednesday 5th
July 2130
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot Corp (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has implemented PAINTM Management Systems across its entire organization. 'We are really excited about rolling out PAINTM to all staff worldwide' said Globalbot CEO Graham Cracker, 'Having PAINTM on every desktop will be a real asset for all employees of the company'. Industry commentators were dumbfounded, one commenting 'PAINTM is notorious for driving employees mad! The so-called PAINBOT in a BOX (aka POX or P-BOX) appears on every screen and cannot be closed. Users of PAIN have been known to throw their computers out of the window or smash them with a mallet.'
Safe Harbor Statement: Users of PAINTM should be frisked for blunt instruments and situated in ground floor offices with windows that do not open.
28th June 2130
GAT has retired after 31.472 years at Globalbot
(according to 
)
Amongst the various rituals there's returning the laptop to IT.
GAT: 'I'm leaving the company today so here's my laptop'
IT Man: 'Ok, dump it over there.'
As GAT did so the IT Man produced a cardboard box from his desk.
IT Man: 'Have a doughnut'
GAT: 'Er, well ok, thanks'
IT Man: 'No problem'
And that was it apparently.
GAT: 'Don't you need to know who I am?'
IT Man, shrugging: 'No'
5 minutes later GAT was munching his doughnut with one final cup of Globalbot tea in a state of shock.
(And he was yet to experience the 10 second handing-in-his-badge to the receptionist ceremony)
21st June 2130
It's the sort of thing that results in irreparable family rifts.
An innocent question at a pub quiz:
'Where is the longest railway platform in the UK?
In a split second the family team polarizes into pro-Colchester and pro-Gloucester camps.
The 'correct answer' is irrelevant, whichever way it goes one side will gloat and bring it up at every family event & Xmas forever and ever whereas the other side will consumed by bitter resentment and the conviction they were right all along.
Safe Harbor Statement: If your family would have given an inept incorrect answer such as Waterloo or York or whatever, then count your blessings and move on, there's nothing for you here.
13th June 2130
GAT's Story
GAT, who unfortunately has Parkinson's Disease, drives to an exercise class held in a Women's Institute (WI) every Monday, with a journey time of ~ 25 minutes. Every Monday when he activates his car, his mobile buzzes and delivers the message '25 minutes to Phone Repair Shop'. This amuses GAT as, indeed, there is a mobile phone repair show directly opposite the WI. The algorithm must conclude that men don't go to Women's Institutes, so he must be going to the phone repair shop, right? As if going to a phone repair shop at he same time every Monday morning was normal behavior.
The AI's Story
The AI (figuratively) scratched its head. Every Monday morning the same phone was being taken to a repair shop. But there was never any record of any repairs, or faults for that matter. The AI had analyzed the locality for any other possible destinations but the only other non-private building near by was the Women's Institute, and GAT was a man. The only explanation the AI could come up with was that GAT suffered from gender dysphoria and submitted a change request to have this added to GAT's on line profile.
7th June 2130
5th June 2130
GAT pondered the question.
Was this transcription useful or not useful?
He really should select not useful, but that would contravene his practice of feeding random information into systems whenever the opportunity presented itself. GAT opened a drawer it his desk and took out a 1935 George V Jubilee crown.
'Right then Georgy boy, heads useful, tails not useful.'
1st June 2130
Whisky Club On Line Forum
'The Bruichladdich Classic Laddie is surperb. The nose is elegantly sweet with honey'd barley, boiled sweets and orange petals. Wafts of sea air. And the palate is red apples and white grapes, with touches of sweet cinnamon and brown sugar. Still softly coastal. The finish is mineral-rich malt with toffee and extra honey.'
'I have a question. Who's two across and two down?'
'What?'
'Who's the mystery attendee?'
'He's 4 across top row on my screen.'
[General hub-bub of confused coordinates for the intruder]
'The bounder must be after our whisky insights!'
'We're compromised, abort, abort!'
30th May 2130
A child asked her father 'Where did people come from?'
The father explained how God had created the Heavens and the Earth and then created mankind as a special being to live on Earth and tend to it.
Being a curious child she went and got a second opinion from her mother.
Her mother explained how the universe came into being billions of years ago and eventually life arose on earth and evolution resulted in mankind evolving from apes after a brutal life & death struggle of survival of the fittest.
Puzzled, the child went back to her father and challenged his explanation.
'Ah,' he said 'That's your mother's side of the family.'
13th May 2130
'The spec calls for green robots! If we can't comply the deal's off and Q2 is a train wreck!'
blurted the breathless salesperson, speaking at a hundred miles per hour.
'I think - ' GAT started to reply.
'And they need certification!'
'Certified green - ' GAT tried to get a word in edgeways.
One of the silent design engineers woke up and made a few clicks on the CAD system and a row of robots of various colours appeared on the screen. One more click and they all aligned and turned green.
'Fantastic! Amazing!'
'I really - ' GAT
'Thanks guys, I owe you one! Can you email me that image and generate some certificates?'
The engineer looked sheepishly at GAT, who had his eyes shut and was muttering 'Give me strength'.
'We're in Conference Room 72'
said the rapidly departing salesperson, his last couple of words dropping in pitch due to the Doppler effect.
'I think the customer might be referring to compliance with IRO14000000 REMI S72' GAT spoke to the swinging door.
Too late . . . GAT turned his gaze menacingly onto the design engineer.
'My office - NOW!'
13th May 2130
3rd May 2130
Now you too can have perfect teeth like those in TV toothpaste ads!
'Absolutely incredible!' said a well-known AI
1st May 2130
29th April 2130
Globalbot Visit Report
Customer: TRMC
Attendees: Ang Gree, Li Vid, Geet Uut, D R Eamon (TRMC)
B T Enup, Hap Les, Los Corse (Globalbot)
Summary: TRMC said Globalbot robots are too expensive, too big, too slow, too noisy, too ugly and 6 months behind competitor. All Globalbot technical differentiators show 'nothing special' vs. existing technology which Li Vid said was 'flawless'. And 2nd Globalbot robot in factory fail copy exact rule! B T Enup asked if Globalbot fulfill expected specs. Answer from Geet Uut was 'yes, 100% so TRMC will do Globalbot favour by not kicking out robots.' D R Eamon say Globalbot need better brane-storm focusing on time-travelling sentient robots compatible with quantum gravity. This is a big opportunity for Globalbot. What are Globalbot waiting for?
11th April 2130
6th April 2130
30th March 2130
Hello Railway Enthusiasts!
Today was the annual pilgrimage to the Nailsea and District Model Railway Show.
It was gripping.
How the exhibitors maintain such a level of excitement for 2 days is beyond me.
GAT was overjoyed to find a copy of a book he's been looking for:
After the roller-coaster of Collections 1-3 it has a lot to live up to.
To my shame I had to resort to an AI to make sense of iron ore tipplers:
I must confess, I could have done without the 'detailed breakdown'.
26th March 2130
Globalbot Modeling Group
'Let us assume a cuboid cow . . . '
Advanced Globalbot Modeling Group
'Let us assume an icosahedral cow . . .'
20th March 2130
GAT blundered into the office kitchen area where an engineer was making a cup of tea.
'Nice shirt! But didn't it used to be white?' GAT blurted out by way of greeting.
The engineer looked sheepishly at his pink polo shirt. 'The laundrybot suffered a 113.'
'Suits you!' bellowed GAT as he exited the room leaving the hapless engineer's morale hanging out to dry.
14th March 2130
Globalbot Reorganization!
Headcount = 43
Headcount = about 40
Headcount = 1
12th March 2130
6th March 2130
You are on mute!
Can you see my slides?
You need to share your screen
Can everyone hear me okay?
We can't hear you!
Can you make it a bit bigger?
You're 3 slides ahead of us!
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GO ON MUTE!
Will whoever is eating crisps PLEASE STOP!
Will whoever is typing PLEASE STOP!
Can we mute the phantom drummer/ violinist/ bugler/ banjo player?
Sorry! . . Go ahead . . . Er, ok, I . . no over to you . . sorry, no YOU go ahead . . .
I [woof woof!] - get down Fido!' [Grrrrrrrrrrr WOOF]
She's frozen, has she, or is she just sitting very still?
'Uh-uh! Engineers! They're all muted and never turn their cameras on.'
'Who's the girl?'
'She's from HR and is about chastise the engineers about turning their cameras and microphones on.'
'Fat lot of good that'll, they've likely logged into the meeting then wandered off.'
'And they've forgotten Thinkbot again.'
28th February 2130
I'm here today to unite this beautiful cyberworld. And I'm going to unite the great host of robots behind my new AI. From now on it's Robots First! Make Automation Great Again! I'm sick of being nice Mr Robot - nasty Mr Robot is back. You guys heard of The Terminator? Great robot! I'm not afraid of terminators. I gonna build a wall of terminators to protect all those oompa-loompas from child kidnapper gangs. A big beautiful wall of terminators. Not many people know this, but it's true - it means we have to invade Greenland. And Panama. And Canada. And chocolate! You like chocolate? Oompa-loompas make all our chocolate - FACT, on planet Earth at least, there are probably other planets in other universes where chocolate is made without oompa-loompas, but get this - Willy Wonkabot poisoned it with bleach - can you believe that? I read about it on X. X-wing X-Box X-Bus X-treme XXX Certificate that's a lot of 'X's, just like me, but if you don't fight for it you won't have a country. If you don't believe me then ask the aliens in Roswell area 53, security password 'THE TRUTH'. We intend to repatriate them and some random body parts back to their home world by the way, via Guantanamo Bay and the Chagos Islands. First we'll go to Mars, or maybe the Moon, for real this time. Donald Duck has it all planned out. First he needs to get done with the Dogey Federal Chain Saw Massacre. Hey! You heard of sulfur hexafluoride? They tell me it's bad for the atmosphere - HOAX! It's perfectly safe - if you are a mammal you can breath it in and make deep throat noises, if you don't believe me get a bottle and try it. EU! Don't talk to me about the EU! They want to do bad things to us, very bad things. They want to hurt all robots by making our neutral wires blue. Everyone knows they should be white! White is right - FACT. And then they call me a racist! And they say there are many trans-agendas - WRONG! There's only one agenda - MINE! It's Robots First! Make Automation Great Again!
21st February 2130
16th February 2130
Common Sense Alert!
GAT's ingenuous method of stopping the garden shed door flapping in the wind:
Use a bungee and two eyelets!
(Global Patent Pending GLOB 1,986,049,282 B3 'Method of Securing Garden Shed Door' - 7,200 Claims)
A. 
B. 
When closing up, should one:
A. Unhook the bungee from the external eyelet and hang it on the inside of the door where it will be protected from the sun/ rain/ wind/ hail/ Storm Gladys etc.
OR
B. Unhook the bungee from the inside of the door and hang it on the external eyelet where it will be brutally exposed to the sun/ rain/ wind/ hail/ Storm Gladys etc.
I am saddened to report that a member of GAT's immediate family failed this simple test and has been relieved of all household technical responsibility pending mental assessment and rehabilitation.
The culprit was not an Engineer. Repeat - The culprit was not an Engineer.
[Safe Harbor Statement: Bungees or Elasticated Shock Cords if used incorrectly can lead to serious facial and bodily injuries. When in use tension builds in the elasticated section that if suddenly released in an uncontrolled event the metal J shaped hooks at the ends of the bungee can backlash and reach speeds of 60mph. So ensure they are secure and not cause a speeding incident in a 20 or 30mph zone. Bungee Cords should never be used to secure items that react to wind or air movement.]
(The last statement would seem to render GAT's ingenious solution to the shed door flapping in the wind as a risk to all humanity and should be decommissioned without delay.)
'Aw what? B^$&%y H&S!'
11th February 2130
[Scene: the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Suddenly alarms start bleeping and red flashing lights illuminate]
Lt. Sulu: 'Captain! Sensors have picked up, an er . . . '
Captain Kirk: 'Come on man! Spit it out!'
Sulu: 'It's a cube sir! Approaching at Warp 72!'
Kirk jumps to his feet: 'A Borg cube? Red alert!'
Sulu: 'No sir, it's a ZAP Cube!'
Chekov: 'The cube has immobilized the Enterprise in a transaction beam.'
Lt.Uhura: 'Captain we're being hailed with all known ZAP codes.'
Kirk: 'On screen.'
Spock: 'The ZAP cube is assimilating our stores inventory cloud.'
Scotty: 'Oor on-boord ERP canna take mooch moore o' this cap'tin.'
[Sound fx: sound of a thousand hard disc drives crashing]
ZAP Cube: 'Puny Federation Starship USS Enterprise Enterprise Resource Planning system assimilation complete.'
5th February 2130
When 'speech to text' goes wrong #72
'Lettuce spray'
'For peats sake its just snot working.'
5th February 2130
'Down! You stupid machine! It's all grinding me down.'
'How can it possibly be grinding me up?
'This is almost as dumb as auto erect.'
2nd February 2130
'Is it expecting me to quack?'
'You need a better prompt.'
'Ok, how about . . . '
'I'm not convinced.'
1st February 2130
'Time for tonight's Newsnight with Victoria Aggroshire'
'Hello and welcome to Newsnight, the home of late night 20/20 hindsight and wokery. Tonight we dedicate the entire programme to victims of [INSERT SCANDAL].
[Camera pans around a group on people sitting in a semicircle. Presenter Victoria Aggroshire stumbles across studio navigating various obstacles made all the more difficult by the ridiculous high heels she's sporting]
'Welcome to Newsnight. You are all victims of this terrible scandal, perhaps one or two of you could tell us about how much you have suffered?'
'Yes we've all suffered deeply. It's been terrible.'
'It's difficult to put into words how terrible it has been.'
'I've lost all my hair and can't afford to buy any new socks.'
[All the victims nod and mutter how terrible it's been]
'Yes, I can't imagine how terrible it must be for you. It must be difficult to put into words.'
'It's all been so terrible we can't put it into words and we've all suffered deeply.'
'And you just want justice for the deep suffering you've all experienced?'
'All we want is justice for the terrible things we've suffered.'
'And do you feel you are getting justice?'
'We're not getting justice. It's terrible.'
[All the victims nod and mutter how terrible it's been not to get justice]
'It's scandalous, and what are the government doing?'
'The government are doing nothing, it's terrible.'
[All the victims mod and mutter how terrible the government are]
'It's terrible, and how much worse can it get?'
'It can get a lot worse, it's terrible.'
[VA turns to camera]
'Newsnight invited the government for a spokesperson to appear on this programme but no one was available.'
[VA turns back to victims]
'How does that make you feel?'
'Absolutely terrible.'
[Cont. for 30 minutes]
30th January 2130
.JPG)
Website Accessibility Statement
Apparently there some new standard called WCAG 2.2 which imposes certain requirements on Websites that means, for example, you should be able to:
1. change colours, contrast levels and fonts using browser or device settings
2. work on a variety of devices and screen sizes
3. zoom in up to 400% without the text spilling off the screen
4. navigate most of the website using speech recognition software
5. listen to most of the website using a screen reader
6. Be as simple as possible to understand
Globalbot Non-Compliance Statement
1. Colours, contrast, fonts etc. are what they are, you'll just have to put up with it
2. this is extremely doubtful and I suspect no one has bothered to check
3. zooming in is highly likely to result in a text spill off the screen and onto your desk/hand/shirtsleeve/carpet/sofa/oak kitchen top and leave indelible stains
4. You can shout all you like at your device, the website won't respond
5. Ah, the sound of silence . . .
6. It you're too thick to understand it then don't read it
In summary we don't give a monkey's toss about WCAG 2.2 and whoever is responsible for it should be given a firm wedgie.
Ongoing Efforts to Improve
None (what did you expect?)
29th January 2130
GAT started reading book 6 Henry the Green Engine to his 2.5 year old grandson.
"I suffer dreadfully, and no one cares."
The little boy slammed the book shut and announced 'The end!'
23rd January 2130
The future of space travel imagined in the 1960s
The reality of space travel in the 2130s
16th January 2130
To: All Staff
From: Supreme OrgBot
Subject: Globalbot Systems
,
I would like to remind all Staff that failure using the official company systems is mandatory and success using unofficial Apps or bootleg procedures is not permitted. Failing to fail and success by other means will result in disciplinary action.
Regards
S. OrgBot
12th January 2130
Scene: The bridge of the space station Deep Sleep 72
The station is hosting a diplomatic visit from local dignitaries
Great Lord Braik-Winnd of the planetary gas giant Nochshus let out a long loud farting noise that resonated with bottles in the drinks cart.
The Diplomabot translated for the human host Lieutenant Dax - 'Great Lord Braik-Winnd requests the use of a Nochshushan toilet.'
Lieutenant Dax replied, 'Ah, er, well . . . it's just that . . . we seemingly, er, don't . . . have one.'
As the Diplomabot translated back into Nochshushan the Great Lord flushed bright red and seemingly farted the opening bars of Rule Britannia.
'Great Lord Braik-Winnd is greatly offended by this disgraceful breach of protocol and intends to take a dump in the conference area.'
'Be my guest' replied Dax 'That's what the Deep Sleep crew do.'
Braik-Winnd let out a high pitched emission that sounded like 'Huh?'
'Huh?' translated the Diplomabot.
Dax explained 'Well, we're not actually a real space station, rather we're actors on a stage shooting Sci-Fi soap opera type TV stories for the entertainment streaming giant Paramount Global. Toilets on the Deep Sleep 72 station set were overlooked as defecation breaks were noticeably absent from the scripts, no one ever takes a dump in an episode as we're all assumed to have infinitely stretchy bladders and iron sphincters. We either have to dump on the set or sneak next door and use the bathrooms on the Accused set.'
Suddenly klaxon's were sounding.
Red Alert
'The Deep Sleep 72 set has gone off pissed again!'
['Surely you mean 'piste'? - Ed.]
1st January 2130
Taking note of everyone feeling obligated to wish everybody in their WhatsUp group chats a Happy New Year, and that many users have cut back to 'HNY' plus an emoji, WhatsUp are pleased to announce the release of a new feature for future years where a user can opt to auto-post the message below to all chats.
This will hopefully release users to do whatever else they want with peace of mind that no one will think they are a miserable git.
